Thursday, August 31, 2006
Last Sunday at Landon's birthday party I was a little nervous. I knew most of the people that were at the party were going to be smoking. Even with it being outside you can still really smell the smoke and more importantly you can see people smoking. My trigger has always been seeing people smoking. Anyway, I just told myself that if I got there and decided I wanted to smoke then I could the next day. During the party I saw people smoking and looked at them and told myself, "I really don't want to smoke". It felt great coming to that conclusion.
I am really noticing that I am smelling things more. For instance: two nights ago we slept with the window open and at 3:30am I woke up because there was this intense smell of a skunk. It really smelled back. The next morning I told Laura that this not smoking and my senses coming back is not working out to well. My food is already tasting better.
The evenings have always been hard for me. Last week we went to the grocery store and I told Laura that I wanted to get some snack foods for when I get the munchies in the evenings. And by the way, I have been getting the munchies horribly. So I wanted to look for something that was a little healthy, but would do the job. I have found that baby carrots and some ranch dressing do the job.
My moods have leveled out. I know Laura is saying a quick "thank you God" for this. The first few times I tried I know I was a bitch. I had NO patience and would get pissed off at the drop of a hat. I know I was horrible to live with. This time I knew that getting through the first 72 hours would be the hardest. Once I passed 72 hours I knew that the nicotine would be out of my system. It's been down hill since then.
I am realizing that I can enjoy life without smoking and I am not giving up anything; except bad health. You don't know how refreshing it is to finally realize that.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Now it seems that so many people that know me in real life know and read this blog. I wonder every day if that is such a good idea. There are days when I am glad they can see what I write and then there are other days when I wish my blog was anonymous and I could really write what I am thinking. Things happen here and there that I sometimes feel like writing about. But I can't. I feel trapped in my own blog. There are the times when I have so much on my mind that I just want to write until I can't write anymore, but I fear for what the people that know me in real life will think. My mind is a very complicated thing. Sometimes I don't even understand myself or why I am thinking that. There are times it feels like I either have ADD or bipolar. Some days I feel I have both at the same time.
I need to not be the "people pleaser" that I have been my entire life and be true to my feelings and experiences on this blog. I lived my first 30 years for my parents and told myself that I would never pretend to be who I am ever again. It's time I start listening to my own advice..again.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
When I first came out to my parents my Mom seemed all surprised and her response was "how long have you been lying to me". I don't think I was lying to her I was just trying to figure out who I was. That isn't always an easy thing. I have tried to apologize to her because I never intended to lie to her.
So, last night seeing the couple that appeared to be meeting up and having an affair made me think of one of the stupidest relationships I have ever been in. I had just turned 20 and I was life guarding at a local pool. Everyday before I would go into this convenience store that was right down the road from the pool that I worked at. By the end of the summer I finally noticed that one of the cashiers was flirting with me. As a Jehovah's Witness I was really unaware of flirting when it was happening to me. I think part of it was because of the fact that this person was not a Jehovah's Witness and you are not to pay too much attention to someone that is "worldly". So this older guy (he was 34) is flirting with me and I find that I am kind of having fun flirting back with him. Within weeks I was going up to his store on his breaks and we were talking. Come to find out he was married with a 10 year old daughter. But that didn't stop us. We kept this little thing going on for months. In fact, I think we were still seeing each other around November. I think it was late November when we stopped seeing each other.
It's crazy because in my mind I was making all these plans of this life this guy and I were going to have. He never had any plans on leaving his wife. And I bet if I called him up today they would still be together. They never plan on leaving their wife/husbands. And of course this guy told me "this is the first time I have ever done anything like this." I learned my lesson with that 3 month relationship. I learned that I didn't want to be with someone that I couldn't' go out in public with.
I had to go through a lot of shit in the love department to finally be rewarded with a real gem. I will tell you this, all that crap I had to go through was so worth it to find Laura. Wow, I am lucky.
Monday, August 28, 2006
As we were leaving Laura said she needed to go to the bathroom. There were a couple bathrooms at the back of the park that we decided go drive to. As we were getting in the car I noticed there was a lady sitting in the car next to us. A minute later another car drove up right next to this lady. The lady and the guy that had pulled up got out of the car and hugged each other. Laura and I both started giggling. We knew exactly what was going on here. It seems that the two are having an affair and the back of the park is the only place they can secretly meet. I wanted to stay and watch, but Laura reminded me that it's not polite to stare.
As we were driving down to the bathrooms there was a pickup parked on the side of the road facing us as we were driving past it. We looked in the inside and there was a man in the driver seat with a woman on top of him!!!!! Can you freaking believe that? What the kind of park has this turned into? Again we broke into giggles as we drove past. When we got to the bathrooms Laura said "you better not drive back down there without me first." When we drove past we noticed that the brake lights were on as well. Again when we drove past there was some heavy duty love action going on. It was funny, but also very sad. Here it was 5:30pm and there are people having sex in their car at a very nice neighborhood park. I was tempted to drive back by the car and take a picture, but Laura said she didn't feel like being chased out of the park.
* I had to switch my sign in name and password. Apparently my old password was not secure enough.
*When I comment on some blogs I still use my old login and password while on others I use my new password. And I really don't know when to use my new or old login. It's very confusing.
Here are some of the benefits I have noticed:
*No more re-publishing my entire blog which was starting to take forever since mine was so big. Now I simply click one button when I am done and it's done. No waiting.
*It seems to be working much much faster.
Please let me know if you have switched to beta blogger and if you are having any of the same problems.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Saturday, August 26, 2006
Ever have one of those days where it seems you are laying on the ground unable to get up? I've had one of those days. Luckily, now that the day is ending it has gotten much better.
Today we had our carpets cleaned. With 5 cats and one dog in the house getting the carpets is essential. We have neglected to have them cleaned for a couple years now, and today was the day to get them back in good condition. Getting 5 cats in one room is not easy. Every time you go to put a cat in the room the others try to escape. I put Ben in first since I knew if he saw me getting the other cats in the room he would go and hide. Having the entire house done is a challenge. The cats had to go in our downstairs room that has no carpet. Normally we would just leave the dog outside, but of course it had to rain today. So we put Sophie in the garage. None of them were happy. Neither were Laura and I.
I had a Health Fair that I had to go to today. I think Laura was a little upset that she was left to take care of the carpets by herself. Had I known it was going to be such a challenge I think I would have opted for another day for them to come clean the carpets. The Health Fair was in a high school that had no a/c. I just don't get it. It's the end of August in Kansas City. It's hot. Don't plan a health fair in a place that has no a/c. Plus with the rain we were getting there was about 95% humidity. (I know this since the lady next to me was telling everyone how much humidity was in the place)
I feel I was ripped off in the weekend department. Just one day and then it's back to work. Luckily next weekend is Labor Day Weekend which means a 3 day weekend. Hope everyone else is having a great weekend.
*In the picture is our cat Brady . I was laying on the floor doing the exercises for my back and he was so interested in what I was doing.
Thursday, August 24, 2006
I have always had back problems. Even when I was "thin" I had lower back problems. In 1997 when I was working at B.Dalton Bookstore I really hurt my back lifting a box of books. I was out of work f or 3 weeks. I had just returned to school to finish my bachelors degree and ended up leaving that job since my back was still giving me problems. Ever since then I seem to have more and more back problems. Four years ago I noticed my back started giving me more and more problems and by the end of the week I could barely stand. Having just started a job I had no choice but to go to work.
I know a lot of my back problems are due to the weight that I have gained in the past ten years. I got married in November 1995 and by May 1996 (just six months) I had gained probably 30 pounds. I was so unhappy. Anyone seeing the weight I had gained would know there was something going on. I know by losing the weight I want to (50 pounds) my health will be so much better. Not only will my back feel better, but I am pretty sure any signs of diabetes will disappear. But it's so hard to loose weight. I have tried so many times and I am just tired of the disappointment.
Growing up I always felt fat. Even when I was 125 pounds, I felt fat. I think a lot of it has to with how my Father perceived me. He was always telling me that I needed to exercise and not to eat this or that. As a teenager you eat mostly junk food. That is all part of being a teenager. I was taught to feel ashamed of eating. Even today I don't feel comfortable eating in front of other people. Even if I am eating an apple I will feel that people are looking at me like I am a fat pig. Once I started gaining weight my Fathers criticism got even worse and more hurtful. I walked out of my parents house in 1999 after my Father looked at me in the face and said, "you are moribillity obese and are disgusting to look at." I was devastated. He called me the next day all upset and saying he was sorry. I still hear those words he spoke that day when I look at myself in the mirror.
Wednesday, August 23, 2006
Last night our oldest cat got sick 4 or 5 times. She started throwing up yesterday and we didn't think too much of it. But she seems to be getting sick more and more. She is 19 years old and I keep wondering how much longer before she starts slowing down. We call her our security guard since she sleeps by the door going to the bathroom and gets very upset whenever that door is closed.
Last night Sophie got freaked out by a fly. There was a fly in the house and she came over to us shaking and her tail between her legs. So much for protecting us if someone actually broke into the house. I am sure if someone broke into the house she would say, "do whatever you want to them, just leave me alone". We need to work on her "protective" skills more.
This morning the Better Business Bureau called asking Laura if she could be there at 11am instead of 11:30. Sure no problem. Then she gets there and they say, "oh we have the wrong day. We thought today was the 25th." WTF is that? How do you not know what day it is. The good thing about them moving it to Friday is I can be there. When she called me at ten minutes after 11 today I thought for sure the Fuck-it Up guys hadn't showed up and it was a default judgment. BTW, the Fuck-it Up guys had not made it there yet. So, they would have been late anyway. Two more days and then it's over.
Thanks to Isabel letting me know, there is only 34 more days until fall. I am ready for those warm days and cool nights. The nights when you fall asleep with the window open, but have to wake up to close it because it gets too cold. The day when we turn the heat on for the first time and the whole house smells like it's burning. Most people hate when it starts getting darker earlier. Not me. I love it when it's dark by 6pm. These days of it being light until 9:30pm are getting tiresome. Once September is here, it's all downhill to Christmas.
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
*Tomorrow is a big day with the Better Business bureau. I am anxious to see if they show up and if they do what they have to say for themselves. We are ready with pictures to prove that they not the fix it guys, but the fuck it up guys. If Ben could talk he would be taken as a witness. I will be glad to have this behind us. Oh, and our tub still leaks if it's filled up.
*Laura and I called our mini-vacation our Holiday. I think using that term made us feel kind of cool and like we were English. Although, everytime we said that word Laura started singing Madonna's song "Holiday". During my holiday I slipped and smoked. It was a major slip since I smoked for three days. This stopping smoking is harder then what I thought. But I am now on day 2 with no smoking. I am not giving up on this stopping smoking.
*Sophie Dog had such a good time with Grandma and Grandpa that she came back depressed. All of Sunday she just laid around like, "I'm not having any fun". She keeps asking us when our next "holiday" is.
*On our holiday I remembered how much I love "100 Grand" Candy bars. If you haven't had one in a while, have one.
*Did you realize we have just two weeks left of summer. You know summer is over after Labor Day which means, no more wearing white. (who goes by those rules anymore???) I am so ready for fall. Infact, I had a dream last night about putting out our decorations for Halloween. I can't wait.
Monday, August 21, 2006
Seeing this sign made me rethink moving down to the Ozarks. They aren't exactly "gay friendly". Who knows what kind of people we would run into, let alone move right next door to. I believe our safety would be in question if we did move down there.
Laura grew up in a small town and found it very difficult (and still does) to be gay and from a small town. It's not something that is widely accepted. I never could fully understand what she was saying until I saw this sign.
It's sad that in 2006 we still have people that judge others by their skin, religion or sexual orientation. In America we should be free to be who we are without the judgement of others.
Hope you have a good day Mom and I love you.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
We found this great restaurant called "Captain Galley's". It has Caribbean flavored food. It was awesome. I had something called Bimini Beef. It was out of this world. Looking out at the water and eating our island flavored food, you would think we were in the islands and not in the middle of Missouri.
While reading a tourist magazine on The Lake of the Ozarks, Laura found a state park called "Ha Ha Tonka Park". It had the ruins from a castle that was built in the early 1900's. It was really neat. If it weren't so hot we would have ventured out onto the trails. We have plans to go back down to the lake in late September or early October. This park is on our list. The views were out of this world.
Here is a birthday picture. I love this picture of Laura blowing out her candles. The theme for her birthday this year was the "islands". I think our boat was perfect for the background. I wonder what her wish was?
Here is a picture of the two of us. She's smiling cause I told her what her real birthday present was.
Another picture of us. Damn, I am so lucky.
So that was our weekend and her birthday. The couple that owns this little motel that we go to at the lake are very particular people. They don't just let anyone stay at their motel. There are only 9 rooms and they like to keep their motel very family friendly and not too rowdy. The Lake of the Ozarks can get pretty wild, and they want to make sure they keep their place nice and quiet. That is what is so nice about this place. With only 9 rooms the place never feels "crowded".
The entire weekend (and most of the summer) we have been trying to figure out how we could rent a house for the next summer. Some of the houses are just outrageous in price ($1500 for one month). Well, this morning as we were checking out the couple that owns this motel told us that they have a 2 bedroom apartment below their house. This apartment walks right out to the water. They said they rent this apartment out for the season and next year they will be renting it out monthly. So instead of having to rent it out for the entire season, you can just rent it out for the month or two. They said that we needed to keep this in mind for next year. How cool is that?? And their price is well within our price range. Looks like we have just found our new summer home. We are excited beyond words. The summer of 2007 is looking great so far.
Thursday, August 17, 2006
Thank you all for the birthday wishes for Laura. She kept telling me over and over that she had a wonderful day, so I will have to take her word on it. Cheeseburger in Paradise was awesome. Sitting there made me homesick for Florida. I can't wait til we go back in April. As we were walking in I noticed a couple that are really good friends with my parents. About a year ago I ran into this same couple and I made the mistake of going up and saying hi to them. They pretended like it took them a while to remember who I was. Talk about awkward. So, last night I just ignored them and enjoyed my time with Laura. I never liked this couple much. I was always just nice to them because they were such good friends of my parents. And by the way, they have known me since I was 7 years old. There is no way they could not know who I was.
I am doing good with no smoking. It's been four days. But today I am really wanting one for some reason. Last week I think the problem was PMS. When my period started on Sunday I knew that was why I was so emotional on Thursday. I think since I am just sitting here at work I think I am just bored. Really, I don't miss smoking. I hate the smell and it immediately makes me feel bad. I get a headache and after the initial rush I am tired. I need to get over the feeling that I am missing something. I am not missing anything. I have been sleeping so well at night now that I am not smoking. And I love how I don't smell. I have really noticed the people that do smoke and how they really smell like smoke. (sorry to all my friends that do smoke)
We are off to Laura's parents tonight to drop the dog off for the weekend. She gets so spoiled while she is there. Laura's Mom told us that they had grilled steaks the other night and they had an extra one and they saved it for Sophie. I am not sure who gets more excited about our vacations; us or her.
P.S. We have some really cute pictures from the Birthday celebration last night. I will post them when we return from the lake.
Wednesday, August 16, 2006
We are going to "Cheeseburger in Paradise" for dinner tonight and then having Lynilu over for cake and ice cream tonight. To Laura, Jimmy Buffett is a God. I was not at all surprised when she said that is where she wanted to go for dinner tonight. I am excited to give her the gifts I got her. Can't say anything just in case she is reading my blog today.
To honor Laura on her birthday I wanted to share some of the reasons I just love this woman so:
*She cooks all the meals
*She puts up with my ADD moments when I just can't sit still
*She lets me drive the newer car
*In the middle of the night she will put her arm around me and pull me close
*She sits and listens to me complain about my family
*When I mess up big time she doesn't make me feel bad
*90% of the time she lets me pick the restaurants we eat at
*She puts up with the music I like (some are really bad)
*She always puts me first in her life
*When I come in from mowing on hot days she has something cold to drink for me
*When it's really hot she will come out and spray the water hose to cool me down while I am mowing
*She feeds the "strays" when I forget
*She does the grocery shopping
*When I go with her to the grocery store she doesn't get upset when we end up spending $20 more because of stuff I just pick up along the way
*She didn't pressure me to quit smoking even though she HATES the smell. She allowed me to do it on my own
*She's awesome in bed
*After a really bad day she gives me the space I need to regroup
* She puts up with my blogging
Happy Birthday Baby. I love you and can't imagine my life without you.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
It is called the "Keeper Cup" and it is used during your period. It is to be used in place of a tampon. The long tube part is suppose to act as the string. So, that is how you would remove it. The other part is, well, to collect fluid.
Does anyone really use these? I looked on the internet and found that people use the "Keeper Cup" to avoid the traps that the company's that create tampons and pads use to make us keep using the products. For example: there is a myth that some of these companies put fiber glass in the tampons so we will bleed more and in turn need more tampons. Sorry, but I like my tampons and I don't ever see me switching to the "Keeper Cup".
I had kind of put the CD I got last year (picture is the cover of this CD) away and had kind of forgotten about them. Yesterday on my way home I heard this song that was awesome. It was the kind that I made it home before the song was over and I sat in the garage listening to the song. I got lucky because they came on after the song and said who it was. When I heard Snow Patrol I was like, "of course".
The song I heard yesterday is called "Chasing Cars". I LOVE, LOVE this song. It is one of the most romantic songs I have heard in a long time. Makes me want to go home and just lay next to Laura in the bed "chasing cars". Go to their website here and listen to the song. The video is also neat, but you have to sign up for their website (it's free) in order to watch the video. You will see what I mean when I say "chasing cars".
Laying next to Laura is one of the greatest things I know. I feel safe, secure and loved. She was worth the wait.
Monday, August 14, 2006
Now the bad news: My physical therapist is a freak. Really he is. I have never met a person that was more odd and had more screws missing then this person. Within a couple minutes I was thinking I had made a terrible mistake. He was talking in circles and I was having a hard time following what he was saying. About five minutes after he brought me back to his office his cellphone rang. He said he needed to get it. As he was walking out the door I thought he said, "I need to take this call from the Doctor". He was gone for about five minutes and when he walked back in this was the conversation we had in regards to his cellphone conversation.
PT: Ok, I am back. One of the babies died
Me: One of the babies died?? (I am in shock because I am trying to figure out what baby has died. My first thought was one of the cojoined twins they separated last week. I don't know why these two little girls came to mind first)
PT: One of the babies died and it's easier for my wife to leave the hospital then for me to leave here to be with them.
Me: What baby?
PT: So here is what is going on with your back.....
That was our conversation. I still do not know what baby died. I don't know if it was a puppy, kitten, human or fish. He didn't seem upset, so I have no clue. It just got stranger from then on. At one point he sat on the table right next to me (I wanted to scream "personal space" asshole) and was writing something on the clipboard. He would stop writing and then the pen would mark up my pants. I kept moving away thinking he would get the hint, but he didn't.
Yes I do feel better, but it was the strangest experience of my life. He kept talking about my husband and I was thinking, "what husband..I am gay". But I didn't want to go into my whole personal business with some freak. I was never so happy to get out of a doctors office. I didn't want to schedule another appointment with him, but as I was leaving he said, "ok, let's get you scheduled for later this week." I felt I couldn't get out of it so I scheduled two for next week. I kept thinking maybe it was me.
On the drive home I called Laura and I think she was equally concerned. I then called Lynilu who seemed equally concerned at the interaction. I think I am going to cancel my appointments tomorrow and find another physical therapist. He just gave me the creeps.
This morning I was thinking about my ex-husband. James is a very kind person,but has very little backbone. Once he moved back to CA he got under the influence of his parents and everything we had agreed to before he left (bills, etc) went out the window. Luckily the court decided at the time of the divorce that you can't just up and leave all your financial responsibilities. James left me in a horrible financial situation and it took me years and years to recover. Well, actually I think I am still recovering. Literally he left me with ALL the bills. Once we were divorced the bills were divided up by the court, but he still didn't pay any of them. Being married, I was just as responibile for them. It just really sucked.
I was such a different person when James and I were married. I was so unhappy. It took me years and years (and a couple kisses from girls) to realize why I was so unhappy. I try to live my life with no regrets. I do not regret the time I spent married to James. I think it has made me the person I am today. I appreciate my relationship with Laura so much more because of how bad I treated James. (does that make sense?)
James will not talk to me. Once we were divorced (and I was disfellowshipped) he stopped talking to me. I wish I could tell him I am sorry for how I treated him. I do hope he is happy and has found someone to love him and to love.
Well, that's enough for memory Monday.
Sunday, August 13, 2006
I was kind of nervous about going down and spending the afternoon at her parents since most of the people do smoke. We had lunch (which as always it was wonderful) and then we decided to go do a little shopping. Her Mom and Dad had gotten her sister a GC for a little clothing shop and Beth decided to go buy some clothes. All in all I was doing great. Yes people were smoking around me, but it wasn't that bad. As we were leaving I ran into my brothers ex-wife and my 12 year old nephew. I was thrilled to be seeing my nephew. My brothers ex-wife has decided that it's ok for me to see my nephew and I love that. This was my first nephew and he is at the core of my heart. I love that boy so much. It was also nice that Laura's family actually got to meet someone from my family. Keep in mind Laura and I have been together for over two years and this is the first time they had met anyone from my family. After visiting for a while we got back in the car and I was pissed. All my feelings about my family came rushing back.
Once back at the house I "sneaked" a cigarette. I told Laura about it and she was so understanding about it. We talked about it and she helped me get some things clear. Here is what I need to start doing:
1) Stop using my family's issues with me being gay as a reason why I can smoke. Whether I smoke or not their point of view might never change. Smoking or not smoking will not change that.
2) Face the real reasons as to why I am smoking
3) Decide 100% to be a non-smoker
4) Stop beating myself up inside for my little slips. It only does harm to me emotionally.
Once I do that I will be successful. Until then I am just doomed for failure. I discussed with Laura that I think I have committed 90% to not smoking. It has to be 100% in order for me to be successful in this.
Tomorrow is a new day. In order to end this day on a good note here are some of the things I am grateful for today:
1) I have a wonderful partner, lover and best friend. She is the complete package.
2) Her family. They love and accept "us" as a couple and never ask any questions. They don't care that we are gay. They just love us.
3) My nephews. My oldest nephew is one of the neatest persons. And I am thankful that his Mother lets me see him.
Saturday, August 12, 2006
After breakfast we did our weekly grocery shopping. We made a list and were determined to stick to it. We do our grocery shopping at the local Wal-Mart SuperCenter. Since it's a SuperCenter we always seem to get into trouble by the time we leave. We usually walk out with picture frames we never use, a CD that that we find we only like one song on and other "useless" stuff that just gets forgotten about. But I swear when we are there it seems we have to have it. Well, today we got out UNDER our budget. That was a nice change.
One of our neighbors is moving and the realtor had an open house today. I was curious what the house looked like and how much they were selling the house for. So I walked up there with my story in hand as to why I was looking at the house. The realtor was one of the strangest persons I have ever met. I would be nervous if she was selling my house. Just didn't seem to "with it" if you know what I mean. The house wasn't that impressive and once again made me happy that Laura and I have decided that we will stay here for a few more years. Don't want to have to deal with the stress of selling our house, looking for another one, etc.
Once home we just cleaned up a little and hung out. It was very relaxing. Next Friday we are heading to the lake for a little mini vacation. Laura's b-day is next Wednesday, so this lake trip is part of her whole b-day celebration. Now it's almost 7pm and we are in for the night. I remember when we first got together and we would stay out til the wee hours of the night. Now we prefer to be home by 8pm and in bed no later then 10pm. Whether the rigid Republicans want to believe it or not, but we are like every married couple. :)
Friday, August 11, 2006
On the way home we had to stop at the grocery store and I ended up buying a pack of cigarettes. Damn. I got home smoked one. It tasted horrible. Plus I got all dizzy and my stomach immediately got upset. I told myself and Laura that I wasn't going to have anymore. 30 minutes later I lit up another one. I didn't even make it through the whole cigarette. The smell and taste was horrible. It was like I was licking an ashtray. God I hated it. I took my cigarettes and ran them under the water and threw them away. But I woke up that little monster that had been sleeping for a week. 7 fucking days.
This morning I woke up and on my drive I told myself I was just torturing myself and to make things better I should just go get a pack of cigarettes. So I stopped and bought not one, but two. I am not sure what I am thinking. It's not like they even had a special on them or anything. Driving to work I smoked one. Again I hated the taste and smell.
When I got to work our receptionist saw me and said, "8 days as a non-smoker". I just started crying cause I knew I had fucked up. Thankfully she was nice about it and I explained what had happened yesterday and she gave me that "it's ok speech". I hate crying at work. But working in the addiction field everyone here knows what I am going through and how hard it is. I think I made a fool out of myself, but everyone is reassuring me that I didn't.
About ten minutes after I got here the other receptionist called and said that since I was the only counselor here today she would take most of the calls and make it easy on me today. Yesterday was a crazy day and I think they are a little afraid of my mental stability today. I could use a few minutes of peace.
So where do I go from here. I am still on my quest to be a non-smoker. I am going to start my book over and go from there. I can't beat myself up like I have been. "Slipping" a couple times does not make me a failure.
Thank you all for your kind and supportive words. All your comments have made me realize that it does matter that I was born and I do make a difference in the world.
I got rid of the two packs that I bought this morning and I am ready to start over. Holding on to those packs (even for just the 4 hours I had them) were holding me back and giving me a reason to smoke. I have gone 7 whole days without smoking. I can do it again and go even longer this time; like for the rest of my life. The first pack was given away to the cashier at McDonalds. I went in to buy one of their Snack Wraps (which by the way are excellent) and I asked the lady in the drive up if she smoked. She said, "cigarettes?" (I wonder what she meant????) I asked her if she smoked Marlboro Lights and she said, "I smoke anything brand I can afford to buy". I then handed her the unopened pack and said I am now a non-smoker. She looked at me kind of weird, but took them anyway. When I got back to the office I lit up one more and couldn't get through it and I threw the rest of the pack, plus the lighter I had left in my car in the dumpster. And if felt so good. For the third time in my life, I am offically a non-smoker. :)
Thursday, August 10, 2006
I am having a horrible day. I feel depressed and I want a cigarette. I don't know why I want to smoke. I really don't miss it, but I miss having something to do during the day. I am thinking of all the horrible things that could go wrong in my life and saying, "if one of those happens, then I have permission to go get a pack of cigarettes.". With that kind of attitude I will never make it.
I had a dream about my parents last night. I think we were on good terms again. I woke up depressed about that. I got to work and worth them a letter asking them if being gay is so wrong they couldn't forgive me. I watch this program on A&E called Intervention and I see what people do and their parents continue to love them, even more so when they are all caught up in their addiction. There are just some days that I really miss my parents more then others. This is one of them. I could just sit here and cry from my heart hurting so bad. We are going to Laura's parents this Sunday to celebrate her younger sisters b-day (was the 8th) and Laura's b-day which is the 16th. I got jealous of her parents planning something for her b-day. I don't know if my parents have ever "celebrated" my birth. I am not sure anyone has.
I want to curl up in my bed and stay away from the world for a couple days. But as usual I have responsibilities and can't do that. I wish I wasn't so responsible. I even take care of the fucking strays and feel bad when I feed them "late".
I just want to cry.
1. Grab the nearest book (of at least 123 pages).
2. Open the book to page 123.
3. Find the fifth sentence (grab next nearest book if fewer than seven sentences found).
4. Post the text of the next three sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don't you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
6. Tag three people
Into the Wild by Jon Krakauer
More and more of the classes he took addressed such pressing social issues as racism and world hunger and inequities in the distribution of wealth. But despite his aversion to money and conspicuous consumption, Chris's political leanings could not be described as liberal. Indeed, he delighted in ridiculing the policies of the Democratic Party and was a vocal admirer of Ronald Reagan.
It says to tag three people. So, tag..you're it...Lynilu, Kim and last but not least Patticake. But if you want to do it anyway I would love to read your results.
Wednesday, August 09, 2006
1. Last place you were: My car
2. Last drug used: Larzapam (anti-anxiety)
3. Last beverage: Coke
4. Last Kiss: Laura this morning
5. Last movie seen: The Family Stone. Such a good movie. Not at all what I expected.
6. Last phone call: Laura
7. Last CD played: Foreigner
8. Last bubble bath: A couple weeks ago. No bath when it's this hot outside
9. Last time you cried: Two days ago when I really wanted a smoke
8 Have you Evers....
1. Have you ever dated someone twice: Yes. A couple people. Guess I didn't learn the first time.
2. Have you ever been cheated on: Yes. Ex-husband
3. Have you ever kissed somebody and regretted it: No
4. Have you ever fallen in love: Yes
5. Have you ever lost someone: Yes
6. Have you ever been depressed: Yes, lots of times
7. Have you ever been out of the country: Many times (Mexico, Canada, Englad, many Caribbean Islands, Honodrus)
8. Have you ever been on TV: Yes. Some news channel was doing something about going to the gym and I was at the gym that day and they interviewed me.
7 States You've Been to:
1. New York
6 Things You've Done Today...
1. Went to the bathroom
2. Took a shower
3. Completed a drug/alcohol assessment (as part of my job, not one for myself)
4. Not smoked (YEA, 6th day now)
5. Surfed the internet
6. Drove on the highway
5 Favorite Things:
2. All our pets
3. ALL my nephews (today is one of my nephews 3rd b-day. Happy B-day Austin)
4 People You Can Tell Almost Anything..
3. My Mom (she just doesn't like eveything I tell her)
4. My co-worker
3 Favorite Colors
1. Navy Blue
3. Navy Blue
2 things you want to do before you die..
1. Be able to retire and not worry about money
2. Have a child
1 things you regret...
1. Not staying out of the church the first time. I wonder how much farther in my spirtual quest I would be if I had stayed out that first time.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
The first time I heard the word "blog" it was in reference to Rosie's blog. I read it everyday and when I typed in the word blog in google, blogger came up. I wrote my first post on August 8th. It was entitled "Queer as Folk". We had just watched the series finale of the show and I was so sad to see the show ending. After that first post I think I waited another week or so before I did another post. Well, the truth is, I couldn't remember how to log in and so it took me a while to remember what my login and password was. By the end of August I was posting everyday.
I started this blog as a means for me to vent about growing up a Jehovah's Witness and the effect that had on my life as well as being gay. Last August I was so angry at my family for shutting me out of their life. I think now I have gotten to the point that I am able to forgive them and move on with my life. There is nothing I can do about their choice and if I want to be happy I have to move on. For a while when I would talk about my family it seemed like there were never any good times. That is not true. That was the anger talking. Overall I had a pretty good childhood. I never remember wanting for anything. Now when I talk about my parents I make sure everyone knows that I don't hate my parents and that I still think they are good people. I have Fransceca to thank for this. She pointed out one time that the way I was talking about my parents in an angry way would never cure the problems my parents and I have. I took what she said to heart and made sure I made sure it wasn't just anger talking when I spoke about my family.
The friends that I have made through this blog in the past year is amazing to me. I never thought I would form such strong relationships with the people that came across my blog. I never knew people would be this interested in my life. Packof2 were one of the first to comment on my blog and then continue to come back. They are two of the funniest people out there in blogland and I can always count on a laugh when I visit their blog. The first time that I visited Isabel's blog I was fascinated because she was from Sacramento. Why? Well, that is where my ex currently lives and I visited Sacramento many times. And I love reading her stories about her and her husband who have been married just over one year now. They are always having a good time. Sassyfemme's blog hooked me in when they went back to the east coast for vacation because they were "thinking" about moving there. Since December I have watched her and her wife follow their dreams and move out east. I really admire her courage and determination. I always know that when I go visit Casey's I will see pictures of her two beautiful children. Seeing her and her partner raise these two kids I know there is a chance that someday Laura and I will have the courage to bring a child into this world. Now gaymo is a bit of mystery to me. I know she lives somewhere close to me me, but I have no idea where. Her blog is always filled with everyday laughs and I love how much she loves Betty Please. Just one crazy lady is one of the hardest working women I know. She works to support herself as well as her partner. Even thought I don't see her, I know she is doing all this with a smile on her face. Then there is Sandra. I first started visiting her blog because I loved the pictures she would put up of her dog. Over the months I have learned so much from her blog.I have learned about global warming, religious cults and more importantly how to stop smoking the easy way. I don't know if I can thank you enough Sandra. Kim and Courtney started visiting my blog sometime late last year. They got married in April and were nice enough to invite me and Laura to the wedding. If we hadn't just gotten back from Florida you know we would have been there. The two of them seem to have more fun then what is legally allowed. Recovering Straight Girl had me at hello. I came across her blog through packof2. Her title says it all. Then there is Ragged. I love her style of writing and she takes some of the neatest pictures and makes them part of her blog.
Shortly after I started my blog I came across an old friend that I had at camp. Turns out the two of us don't like each other, but I visit his sisters blog daily. I have followed her struggling to get pregnant, the excitement of finding out she was carrying triplets and then the devastating loss of the three babies that were born at 26 weeks. My heart goes out to her and her husband. Patticake is one of the nicest people I know in blogland. I will never forget the support she gave me while Ben got out and was gone for a week. She is a real gem. Then there is ComfortandJoy that suddenly appeared a month ago and has the neatest blog. One of the most honest blogs I have ever seen. One of the most heart breaking blogs that I visit is that of Millie. The story of a 2 year old girl suffering from a brain tumor. The decision her family has had to make in the past month is heart wrenching. I feel that Millie is part of my own family now and I love seeing the pictures of her pretty smile. It always brings a smile to my face.
Through the process of this blog I encouraged one of my good friends to blog. She put me off for months and months. Finally in May she started one and she has been caught by the blog bug. Many of you know Lynilu from her comments. Right now (at least for the next month) she lives right next to me. She has been through a lot in the last year and I love watching her do things for herself. It's fun watching her evolve into this whole new person. She is the definition of starting over.
These are just a few of my favorite blogs. There are of course the ones that I lurk on, but I can't give those away, not yet.
To all my blogging friends (and I mean friend in the dearest way), thank you for all the laughs, encouragement and support this past year. Many of you don't know how much a part of my life you have become. Your life stories encourage me when I am down and your humor makes me laugh on those days when I struggle to smile.
Here's to another year of blogging.
Monday, August 07, 2006
Still no cigarette. As good as it feels to write that I feel that, I feel that I am in mourning. The book I read really encourages you not to "mope" around and I am trying real hard. But this morning has been very difficult for me. I don't think there is any particular reason I am down. The weird thing is I do not miss smoking. Seeing other people smoking does not bother me. Seeing all the packs of cigarettes in the stores does not bother me. So it's a matter of constantly reminding myself that the cigarette was doing NOTHING for me. It's like a friend that is horrible for you, but you remain friends and it ends up detroying you. If I had continued to smoke it would have destroyed me.
Thank God Laura is there to encourage me. She has been wonderful throughout all of this. She has figured out when to just back down when I am more irriatable then normal. I don't know if I could have done this without her support.
My Mother begged me to quit smoking for years. Part of the reason was because that was the main reason I got kicked out of the church the first time. Even when I was "allowed" back in the church the second time I had not fully kicked the habit of smoking. Now that I have officially stopped smoking I wonder what she thinks. Is she proud of me for finally stopping smoking even though I didn't do it when she was begging me?
My smoking was the beginning of the unravel of what my parents thought were their perfect life. Once I started smoking I think they realized that I had a mind of my own and I did what I wanted. I would give my right arm to know what their thoughts are now that I have stopped.
Sunday, August 06, 2006
I love this picture. The morning light with the sprinkler on. This is why we have such a high water bill. It costs to have a green lawn in the middle of a drought.
Another neat picture taken this morning of the sprinkler. So peaceful.
Here's Brady, who we call our "gay" cat. He is a male, but has more feminine qualities. For example: he crosses his legs.
Here's Brady trying so hard to open the front door. He knows the strays (aka Blackey, Mama and Baby) are just inches away. He will lay here for hours hoping that the door will magically open.
Friday, August 04, 2006
So, I have successfully made it through 24 hours without smoking. YEA. It was not as hard as I thought. I swear Allen Carr's EasyWay to Stop Smoking has been wonderful. I carry it around like it was my Bible. Today while I was at work I read a few chapters on The Withdrawl Period just to refresh my memory. Driving in the car has been one of the most difficult times for me. It was not uncommon for me to be smoking most of the time I was in the car. So, to suddenly not be smoking I have to find other ways to entertain myself while I am driving. Luckily they have been playing great music on the radio lately and I bought a new CD yesterday, so I have been using the music to my advantage. I am singing at the top of my lungs and I don't care who hears or sees me. It is actually very refreshing to be singing so loud.
Tonight we had Lynilu over for dinner and it was hard when we were done with dinner. My mind was saying, "it's time for a cigarette" while I was reminding myself I didn't need one and I would just smell afterwards anyways and feel horrible about myself.
Since I started smoking I have not gone more then 24 hours without smoking. The most I have gone is just one day (24 hours). It's amazing how often the thought of smoking comes into my mind. Being alert and redirecting my thoughts is one way I have been dealing with all the reminders.
I never thought I would make it one day. I figured if I can get to tomorrow night I will be fine. It's just one day at a time. Some moments are minute to minute. My next goal is getting to tomorrow night. After that it's to Sunday night. Addicts are told just one day at a time. And I was addicted to nicotine. So, I will take this journey one step at a time.
This morning at work I am doing pretty good. 10:00am is when I usually take my first break and I am kind of thinking about how it would be nice to go outside. I need to remind myself that just because I am not smoking doesn't mean I can't go outside.
About thirty minutes ago I realized there was a pack of cigarettes in my desk. It's an open pack that is more then a year old. My neighbor Glenn (Lynilu's husband that passed away) used to give me his empty packs of cigarettes for the points. (I would save all my points and mail off for crap) He would sometimes put in an almost full pack of cigarettes. Well, I must have put this one pack in my desk and today I realized they were still there. I smelled them and then threw them in the trash. It's just 13 hours, but I am not going to throw those 13 hours away.
Thursday, August 03, 2006
I have so much to look forward to now that I will be a non-smoker. Here's a list:
*I won't smell like an ashtray
*My car won't smell like an ashtray
*I won't burn myself from not paying attention while smoking
*My teeth will not be yellow from the smoke anymore
*My lungs will finally be able to take deep breathes without all the poisons going into them
*I will physically feel better
*I won't be beating myself up because I know smoking is bad
*I will automatically save at least $110 a month
*My life insurance rates will go down as well as health insurance rates
*I won't spend my life looking forward to the next time I am poison myself
These are just a few. I have never felt more confident and ready to do this before. I tried a year and a half ago and lasted just 15 hours. I have no choice but to become a non-smoker. I can't thank Sandra enough for her post on the book I am reading. August 4, 2006 will be the day that I reclaim my life.
L: What does it mean when they say it's 100% humidity?
C: It means it's raining.
Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Working with addicts I see people every day that are dealing with their consequences of their outrageous behavior while they were drinking and/or doing drugs. Being an addict is a hard life to life and I am just thankful that I have never had to deal with something that serious. Although I am learning that my smoking is indeed an addcition. But smoking has never caused me to go off on tyrants about a particuliar religious group, etc. Although, I have been smoking several times when I was writing about my experiences of being raised a Jehovah's Witness. Who knows what I'm talking about. :)
If I was Jewish I would be furious at Mel Gibson and would never go see another of his movies. I don't think this is something that can be swept under the rug so easily. If I were Mel Gibsons PR person I would tell him, "you don't pay me enough for this shit".
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Just want to take a moment to express how proud I am of Laura. Today is a HUGE moment in her/our life. I don't think I have ever been so proud of her as I am right now. Four months ago she had a dream and today that dream is coming true. I admire her for all her hard work and dedication to her/our dreams.
She is my dream come true and one hell of a woman.
About 3 weeks ago I started to notice a pain in my right leg when I would lay down at night. Within a week I was having trouble standing on my leg. There were a few times that my leg would almost give out on me. I kept thinking that I just pulled a muscle, but it has not gotten any better. Laura finally told me that if I didn't call the doctor then I wasn't allowed to complain about it anymore. I realized that it had gotten pretty bad and I needed to do soemthing. So, last week I called the doctor and I have an appointment this afternoon. I am thinking it's my sciatic nerve. When I lay in bed at night I will get a shooting pain down my right leg. Last night my leg was hurting so bad and the pain was all the way down in my ankle. God, I feel that I am falling apart. Laura keeps saying we just need to get a good supply of duct tape. One good thing: I will have one hell of a deduction this year on my taxes. All the money going out for co-pays, rx's, etc, etc will be good for the taxes this year.
Neglecting my health these last ten years has been hell on my body. I have the diabetes under control, but now I am dealing with the after effects. I had not idea that diabetes could do this to you. Before the current problems with my teeth I only had two cavities in my entire life. I am thankful that my parents taught me good dental hygiene. But two years not going to the dentist (no insurance) and then having the diabetes already going without knowing it really fucked up my system. But I am on the path to better health now. And Friday I will be adding one more thing to that by becoming a non-smoker again. I have learned from the book that I am reading not I shouldn't say "I am quitting or have quit smoking" because that means I had to give something up. When in fact I am not giving anything up, but gaining so much. I am getting so excited to be done with my cigarettes so I can move on to the next phase. I am already feeling that I don't need to smoke and it's rare for me to finish a cigarette now. Like I said in a comment yesterday I am ready to be done.