Monday, April 30, 2007

Any Ideas?

It's been almost two months since the split and I am slowly trying to figure things out. I am doing pretty good with most things, but I do have a question and maybe you guys can help me.

Where is a girl that is not into the bar scene (although it's fun to go and watch people) and not into head games to find a down to earth girl?

I don't think I want to jump right into a serious relationship, but it's OK to look and see what's out there. And who knows that person may start out as a really good friend and then end up being the one.

I keep telling myself that the minute I stop looking like I did three years ago, that person will magically appear.

Note to self: Work on being patient.

Any ideas or suggestions?

Saturday, April 28, 2007


There are some people in my life that I have a very strong, unique connection with. It's a connection that will never be broken and has stood the test of time. One of those connections has helped me more then others in the last few weeks. The last two months would have been so much harder without this particular connection.

When a tragedy hits it is true that you find out who your true friends are. I have been through hard times in the past, but nothing compared to the one I just went through. A couple things have made this experience different then other times. First of all, I had to learn how to depend on myself and no one else. In the past I have had my family and the church to help guide me through any situations. Usually both my family and church had exact guidelines as to how I was so handle the situation. I didn't have to think about what I needed to do, I just did what I was told. The problem with this: I never learned how to handle difficult situations on my own. Secondly, I under estimated the power of friends and those that are not biologically family and how much they can support you and help you redefine what family really is.

Those that are your real friends know exactly what to do for you and you don't have to tell them what you need. They call because they have sense that there is something wrong. They send you an email just to see how you are doing at that moment. They understand when you need a little space and some alone time. They tell you that you are a priority in their life. They love you even when you are not able to return that friendship at the moment. They understand when it takes you a few days to return a phone call. They get you out of the house. They make you laugh. They hold you when you need to cry. They help guide you through the process rather then rushing you to the end. They remind you that you are worth the fight and not to give up.

To say I have not been a good friend the last two months is a huge understatement. Several of my friends have been through very hard situations and I have not been there for them like I should. Each time a situation came up with one of my friends I had to make a choice; take care of them or take care of myself. For the first time in my life I choose myself and I did that several times over and over. I have learned not to feel guilty about taking care of myself and learning to say "no" to someone. I have learned it's OK to choose me over someone else. And much to my surprise, it felt good choosing myself.

I personally thank all of you that have been there for me. The calls I have received from around the country from my blogger friends have been an amazing feeling. People that have never met me and calling to just see how I was doing helped me through many, many lonely and sad days. Thank you just does not seem adequate, but for right now it will have to do.

And to that special connection: If you are reading this, and you will know exactly who you are, thank you for not only bringing that music back into my life, but for showing me that I should always take the time to dance.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

The Landlord

Sandra had this on her blog a few days ago and I have never laughed so hard.

Also, be sure to see the post below this for some much anticpated news.

I Am....Part II

I am now employed!!!!!

The place I interviewed at last Thursday called and offered me the job this afternoon. I am beyond thrilled. The minute I walked into the building last Thursday I knew this was where I was suppose to be. When I interview somewhere I have a tendency to imagine myself walking in the front doors every day. That day I saw myself working there. And the building is just beautiful. It's in downtown Kansas City and it looks like a huge loft. I just love it.

I start on May 14. That gives me two more weeks of just enjoying life. I really wanted to make sure that I had a few weeks off where I didn't have to worry about the bills, etc.

I do have to go through another physical/drug test. I just hope it goes easier then the last one.

It's going to be a good two weeks and I can't wait to start celebrating.

I Am

I am Beautiful.

I am Worthy.

I am fine just the way I am.

I am able to forgive myself.

I am loved.

I am Caroline.

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Movies & My Life

I used to think that music played a huge role in my life. Believe me, music does play a huge role in my life. I can be driving down the street and hear a song and instantly think back to a time when that song played some role in my life.

Last night I realized that movies also play a huge role in my life. It seems that when I am going through something life changing a movie will come along that guides me through whatever change I am going through. It's as if my guardian angel sends that movie to me right when I need it.

Here are a few examples of movies that have played a role in my ever changing life.

The Prince of Tides: The first time I saw this movie was my senior year in high school. My English teacher had recommended the book for me since I was a Pat Conroy fan. I swear I saw that movie 15 times in the movie theatre. Anytime any of my friends wanted to go to the movies I always suggested The Prince of Tides. It got to the point where in order for my friends to go with me I had to pay their way into the movie. My senior year in high school was pivotal in my life. It was then that I wanted to go into a profession where I could use what I had learned going through some tragedies and help others. I wanted to be just like Babra S. and be a therapist; legs and all. I am still working on those legs.

If These Walls Could Talk 2: In 2000 I really started exploring my sexuality. I had been raised that a man and a woman marry; end of story. Well, I was having feelings for women at this time and was finally embracing those feelings. It was the summer of 2000 that I saw If these Walls Could Talk 2 for the first time. Watching this movie I realized that being with a woman was what I wanted for my life. The softness of a woman was what I longed for. Each time I watched this movie I dreamed of what my life would be like once I found the woman for me. Three years ago my dream finally came true when Laura came into my life. Now I am realizing that my dream is still alive and I will find her one day.

I Am Sam: 2002 was a rough year for me. I had just gone back into the church after being kicked out two years before. I only went back because I was so lonely and I had not built up my support system. I graduated with my Masters and started a job that I hated. In the summer of 2002 I watched I Am Sam for the first time. A part of that movie affected my core being and I am not sure what part it was. But I do know that I learned from this movie that whatever I want out of life I can do. I just have to dream, wish and believe that it will come true.

Cold Mountain: In February 2005 I got very sick. I mean very sick. One of my clients came into my office and peed in the chair. When I was cleaning it up I came down with something. A week later I had sores in my mouth/throat and was running a 103 fever. In three days Laura had to take me to Urgent Care, the ER and then the Doctor. I was off work for more then a week. While I was off one of the channels was showing Cold Mountain. I watched that movie at least 5 times that week. Looking back on that movie now I see the point I was suppose to learn. 1) A woman is OK by herself 2) Love and life is very fragile Every time I see that movie I think of that week I was so sick.

A few weeks ago my good friend Amy suggested that I watch Elizabethtown. I had seen the movie when it first came out, but noticed it was on Showtime. I watched it again and realized I was suppose to watch that movie at this exact moment. It has taught me about letting go and that sometimes you have to let go of something in order for something greater to come into your life. I have watched that movie at least 6 times in the last couple of weeks and even went out and bought it.

Each day life does get easier. I feel the fog is finally lifting and there are times when I have small glimpses of my life ahead. And can I tell you, my life is looking great.

Monday, April 23, 2007


I love this song and I love this movie. Somehow this movie has helped me in the letting go process.

Weekend in Review

Friday morning when I woke up I was dreading the weekend. Weekends are always hard when I am by myself. Well, it turns out that I had one of the busiest weekends of my life. God really answered my prayers by surrounding me by friends and those that love me.

After I finished filling out rest of the job application at that one agency I stopped by to see a friend at work. Turns out she quit there almost a month ago. I realized how out of it I have been. This friend had called me three times, but I neglected to return her calls. Now I know why she was calling. The agency she worked at was part of the coalition I had worked under. As I spoke to the Executive Director I could see the wheels turning in her head as I told her that I was not currently working anywhere. I have always liked this particular Executive Director and the two of us even went to Chicago for a conference about a year ago. It will be interesting to see if she contacts me about taking this job. After I left this agency I called my friend at home who explained why she left the job. We decided to get together for dinner that night with her 11 year old daughter. It was a fun night with her and her daughter.

Saturday night this friend and I decided to go out to see a local drag show. It's one of the most famous in Kansas City and I am now wondering why I had never gone. It was great. It was their 13th anniversary so the club was packed. We ended up having to watch the show from the bar area. It was a Disney theme that was appropriately called "Queendom". I loved it and the women were gorgeous.

Sunday I met a friend I used to work with for breakfast. I hadn't seen her since December and it was wonderful seeing her. I realized how much I do miss her. Not only did we work together, but we had been really good friends. Her and her husband moved to Oklahoma in December because of his work. It was just really good seeing her and I so wish she lived in Kansas City still.

Today at 2pm I have another job interview. This one is for an Executive Director position of a local agency. I am excited about the possibility of being the "one in charge", but it also scares me a little. But I am determined not to let fear guide me through life.

So, it was a wonderful weekend that was filled with lots of good friends and lots of good times. A small part of me is not so afraid of the weekends now.

Oh, and if anyone still reads it, I have finally updated my other blog. Check it out if you have a minute. I plan on updating it more often now that the fog is finally lifting from my life.

Saturday, April 21, 2007


Now that I am suddenly single again I am having to relearn how to do a lot of things by myself. I will say it's an adjustment getting used to being by myself again, but I am finding that I am enjoying the time I have by myself. It's kind of nice deciding to do something and not having to tell someone what I am doing or even yet ask if it's ok that I do this. This is the first time in my life that I have done exactly what I wanted and not thought about what anyone else thought. Before Laura there were my parents that had a tight leash on me and always wanted to know what I was doing. It was as if I was a teenager living on my own with the way they kept a close eye on me. I remember when Laura and I first met we were on the phone and my Mother was not able to get through on the phone line. She called my cellphone until I finally picked up and then had a million questions as to why I was not answering the call waiting. So, now that I am single and not under the control of my parents, it feels very good. I still get lonely, but I have a lot of friends that I can call on when I do start to feel lonely.

Yesterday was a day filled with a lot of firsts since being single. First of all, I woke up and decided that I wanted some breakfast. It used to be that when I wanted to eat breakfast out I would just go through a drive-thru and bring it home. The thought of going to a restaurant by myself paralyzed me with fear. I kept thinking "what would people think of me". Well, yesterday I went to a sit down restaurant by myself and ate breakfast. It felt empowering to say with confidence "Table for One". As I sat and ate my breakfast I realized I am going to be just fine by myself or with someone else. Either way I am going to be just fine.

Later in the day I decided that I didn't want to sit around all night, so I was going to go to one of the local gay bars by myself. I headed out around 8:30pm and felt that confidence overflowing. As I walked in I sat down at the bar and ordered my drink. I felt so proud of myself for taking a leap of faith and taking my happiness back into my own control. This bar/club was a little slower then it usually is, but I enjoyed sitting and watching the people. I even got up enough courage to talk to a few people. I then went and sat by the dance floor and had the most pleasant conversation with two of the cutest gay men. It was such a good time that I think I have talked one of my friends to go back with me tonight.

On the way home last night I had my sun roof open, my music blasting and I felt better about myself then I have in years. Right now I am feeling that I am a woman on a mission and I can do anything that I set my mind to. I will find love again. It may not be right away (which would probably be a good thing), but I will find it. A few weeks back someone (and I am sorry I don't remember who) put it so beautifully that I may have to wait for that someone special because God is still preparing her for me. Understanding that allows me to be more patient.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Shift in Attitude

It's amazing how just a few days can make such a difference.

This morning I had an interview for a job. The interview went really well and I was feeling pretty good as I left. Not only am I looking good physically, but I had my confidence back. I went in like I was the best person for the job and they would be stupid not to hire me. It appears it worked. When I got home this afternoon I had a call from the agency saying that there was something that I had forgotten to fill out on my application and in order for them to make an appropriate job offer I would need to complete this one part. This agency is well known in the Kansas City area and the job seems perfect for me considering my experience in the past. I will go back in tomorrow to complete the application and then I guess wait to see if they call me. After I got home from the interview I got another call from a different agency and I have an interview with them on Monday afternoon. It's amazing how a small shift in my attitude has brought such goodness into my life again.

Laura and I spent most of this week together. Not once did we argue, fight or cry. It was nice. I decided that the only choice I had in this matter was to let go of her as my partner and accept her as my friend. Another shift in my attitude has brought such goodness in the form of my best friend. Before I drove her to the airport today we went and had a very nice lunch. I can't tell you how nice it is to sit and talk with her and not be thinking about what has happened. It feels good.

I am so looking forward to going back to work. I want to get up in the morning and have someplace to go and not focus on what is on TV. It will be good to get back into a routine and feel needed somewhere. And believe me, the place that could possibly hire me really needs me. Again, it feels good.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Wordless Wednesday

Tomorrow marks 12 years of this American Tragedy.

Monday, April 16, 2007

A Good Day Indeed

I have been dreading April 16 for six weeks now. I was worried that today was going to be very difficult and hard to get through. In fact, last night I was thinking that I wish I could go to sleep and wake up on Tuesday.

But today was a very good day. I woke up and the sun was shining and it was just beautiful outside. There was no way I could be upset when the weather was so beautiful outside.

Laura called to see how I was doing mid morning. We talked and I could hear the sadness in her voice as well. It was just sadness about the entire situation. It was somewhat of a comfort to me knowing that today was also a hard day for her.

We are selling Laura's car and it needed to be sold by Thursday when she leaves. Laura and I decided that we would go sell the car together and then get some lunch. We were together for about six hours today and it was one of the most pleasant days we have had together in six weeks. We just talked about what today meant to the two of us and in general it was just a real good conversation.

I think we both needed this day together. We joked with each other and there were more laughs then tears. It was just like I had spent my day with my friend. It was nice.

When we decided to have the ceremony we called April 16 "A Good Day". It calmed my soul to know that Laura and I could have a Good Day together not just as partners, but as friends.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

"God is not Mad at You"

When I am struggling with my life I pray. I pray for guidance, strength and peace. Usually the signs that I receive from God are so obvious that other people see them as well. When Laura and I were hit by a semi truck God heard my prayers because the two of us walked away from that wreck with very minor injuries. The EMT said that the last two wrecks he had seen as bad as ours nobody survived. To me that was a sign that God had heard me and was protecting both me and Laura. Six years ago when my ex husband and I split and I was struggling with my sexuality and faith I sat in my living room crying asking God to have someone call me to check on me. I went out driving for about thirty minutes and when I returned there were 3 messages from various friends just calling to see how I was doing. Two of those friends I had not heard from in months.

This weekend has been a tough weekend. I knew we should have been in Florida and tomorrow is when our ceremony was to take place. Through the past month my insecurities with my faith have come forward again. I have doubted God's love for me and whether or not He really cares for me. When will I learn not to doubt God's love for me?

I went out of town for the weekend. I didn't really want to spend the weekend here and to be reminded of everything. I had 3 major signs from God this weekend that He is still there and His love is what is carrying me through all of this.

The first sign came while I was driving around yesterday. I saw a church and there was a sign out front. It simply said, "God is not mad at you".

The second sign came while I was opening my fortune cookie after eating some Chinese food. My fortune simply said, "Someone is watching over you".

The third sign came this morning while I was driving home. I came across another church that had a sign outside that simply said, "Jesus still loves you."

I hear you loud and clear God.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Keep on Keeping On...

Yes I am still around.

I am not feeling too motivated to blog right now. This coming weekend and next week are going to be very hard for me. We were to leave for Florida on Saturday and the ceremony was to take place on Monday. I know it's over (it's so fucking obvious), but I am still wondering how we ended up here. My heart is slowly catching up to my mind and I pray that the two will be on the same page soon.

I am still exhausted. I am wondering when I will get some energy back and some motivation to do something other then sit on the couch. Good news is, I am still not motivated to eat so I am still losing weight. Hell, I might be at my goal weight by my birthday next month.

More then anything right now I am angry. I am angry at myself for allowing myself to be treated like this for so long. Looking back on the last three years, I had to give up a lot of who I was for her. I vow to never do that again. N.E.V.E.R.

She has officially moved out and I am loving the peace I finally have in my house. Well, I will have total peace when all her stuff is out of the house as well.

I have learned a lot of things over the past few days and here are just a few:

*I am a wonderful person who deserves the very best in a partner

*There is nothing wrong with me and I am perfect exactly the way I am right now

*Anyone would be lucky to be with me

I have a list going and I am adding to that list daily. Writing out in black/white the good things about myself seem to really help me.

Keep on keeping on......

Monday, April 09, 2007


It's official I have lost 40lbs as of this morning. I had Laura take these pictures of me to show off my hard work. I am feeling proud of myself and I am so determined to keep going. I want to loose another 20-30lbs. I know I will get there.

Today I have some things I need to take care of so I may be out of bloggerland for a few days. It will have a tough couple of days, but this is what I need to do in order to choose Caroline.

Sunday, April 08, 2007


Happy Easter. Easter is a sign of rebirth and this is the year of the rebirth of Caroline. The last month I have had a horrible attitude. I have only been able to see the negative in the situation with myself and Laura. Instead of looking at the good times that we had, I was only focusing on the last month and what she did. Somewhere in Texas I realized that I need to change that attitude. If I continue only looking at the negative in everything then that is all I will receive in life.

I want my life to be different. I am tired of giving all that I have to someone which leaves nothing for myself. I need to start putting myself first above anyone else. This is something I have done my entire life and it's something that I will have to work hard at changing. Habits are so hard to change, but I have to make this change. I just have to.

I am tired of beating myself up about this situation with Laura. I need to realize that I am a wonderful woman and partner and anyone would be lucky to be with me. I love with no conditions and the love that I have to give is some of the purest love.

I am working hard at not being angry with Laura. I know she did not do any of this on purpose and she has tried not to hurt me even though I have been hurt a lot. But if I hang onto this anger then it's only going to hurt me in the future.

Today I choose Caroline. Tomorrow I choose Caroline. Every day for the rest of my life I choose Caroline.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Home Sweet Home

I am home and it feels great. It was wonderful getting away for a week, but there is nothing like pulling into your city. Before I left I was just wanting to get out of Kansas City for a while. To me it seemed like Kansas City had brought me some good memories, but many more hard times that I did not want to think about. But now that I have been gone for a week I think I have more appreciation for my city and my home.

Yesterdays drive was a challenge at times due to the weather, but today's drive was a lot better. There were clear blue skies and lots of sun. I used to think that I love cloudy rainy days, but the sun did a lot of good for me today. It was still very cold and very windy, but it was good seeing the sun while I drove.

I actually had a really good time during my stay over in Oklahoma last night and maybe one day I will go into more detail. I loved the little hotel that I was staying in. My room was small, but it was just big enough for me and Sophie. It was very clean and I felt very safe both times I stayed there.

As we got closer to home Sophie could tell that we were getting closer to home. I think she could smell our hometown air. As we drove down our street to the house she was standing up just waiting for me to open the door so she could make sure her yard and house were the same. She is currently on the couch with me with her favorite pillow and is sound asleep. She did so wonderful on this trip. I will never hesitate taking her with me on a road trip again. The question now is, will she get in the car again. I may have to take her for a drive in the next few days so she knows that everytime we get in the car we won't be in it for 13 hours.

Tomorrow is Easter which is a sign of rebirth. I will write more tomorrow about how I plan on a rebirth of myself as a person and a woman. There are a lot of changes about to take place and as scary as they are, they are also very exciting. It's going to be a lot of work, but as a very wise person told me, "I am worth the fight".

Friday, April 06, 2007

OK is OK

Well, I have arrived back in Oklahoma. I am staying at the same hotel that I stayed at on my way to Lynilu's and in fact, Sophie and I are in the same room as before. As soon as we got here she jumped on the bed and laid down, so it seems like she remembers this hotel room.

The drive today was long, but uneventful. I left Lynilu's around 7am and it was raining just a bit. Throughout the entire drive I had rain, sleet, freezing rain and now that I am in Oklahoma, it is snowing. Not too much, but enough for me to notice. I hope that I don't wake up tomorrow to a lot of snow because I am really wanting to get home and sleep in my own bed.

Tomorrow is the short drive compared to today. I have just six hours and most of it will be on the Kansas Turnpike.

I am going to order dinner from the only restaurant in town; Starvin Marvin. It's actually really good Italian food and funny thing is, I am looking forward to it. On my way to Lynilu's I ordered dinner from there and with delivery and all it was only $7. You can't beat that in the big city.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Sophie's Fear

Sophie has a major fear. She has a fear of flies. When I first got Sophie she was just 12 weeks old and even then she was afraid of flies. Since being here we have encountered a few flies and Sophie is going nuts. She will run and jump on the couch and look at me like "what the hell is going on?" When we go outside she is equally afraid of the flies. I have no idea where this fear comes from, but I do think it's funny as hell that a 60lb dog is so afraid of something so small.

Tomorrow I start my adventure back home. I have a long drive tomorrow and I loose an hour in the process. It will be good to get home, but I have a lot of work ahead of me. Luckily I have lots of good friends that have been there for me throughout this whole process. It is so true that when you go through something life changing you really find out who your friends are.

Sophie has been an amazing companion on this trip. The longest car ride that she had been on before this was 2 1/2 hours. Throughout the drive here she just sat in the backseat and slept most of time. Thank goodness for the relaxing pills we got from the vet because I think that has calmed her a lot. Once we get home, I wonder if I will ever be able to get her into the car again. Huh, I guess I just created a new fear in her: the fear of long car rides.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Monday, April 02, 2007

I'm Here

Well, I made it here safe and sound. I left my hotel around 8am thinking I would get in around 2pm or so. I actually got in around 3:15pm. Today's drive was so long. The last couple of hours was in the mountains, which were beautiful, but I think that caused me to loose some time.

I am exhausted. Well, I was exhausted before today's drive, but now I am really exhausted. I cried for the last 2 hours of the drive so mentally I am spent. I think what upset me so much was knowing why I was coming to visit Lynilu. Don't get wrong, I am thrilled to see Lynilu, but the circumstances to my visit are not the best. Thankfully, she is being a very gracious host and friend and is allowing me to cry when I need to.

I am hoping the next couple of days bring me that peace I have been searching for. I need peace and I need the power to let go. Letting go is the hardest and I am struggling so much with letting go. I wish there was a magic pill that would allow me to let go of Laura. It is just so hard to let her go. I miss her more then words can express. Even when we were in the house together I was missing her. I miss the good times we once shared together. I miss her laughter and her smile. I miss all of her.

I am off to bed since I am so tired. I pray I can get a good nights sleep. Please say some extra prayers for me the next couple of days. I have a lot to work through and I wonder if I can actually do what needs to be done. Please pray as I will be praying as well.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

1/2 Way There

Well, I am about halfway to Lynilu's house. It was a beautiful drive today with a bright sun and blue skies. Sophie did wonderful. I gave her her anxiety pill about an hour before we left and she slept most of the way. I would love to know what was going through her mind during the drive. This is the longest she has been in the car at one time, so I am sure she was wondering where the hell we are going.

I did learn some important things on my drive today. Here they are:

*Never ever leave any food in the front seat when you fill up the car. Sophie managed to eat the rest of my lunch while I was inside paying for our gas. When I came out she looked at me like "What? I thought you were done." I hope she doesn't get gas tonight because our hotel room is small.

*Toll Roads are worth the money. I love how smooth the toll roads are and there are NO potholes. The minute you exit the toll road it seems you make up for all those miles you were on perfect pavement.

*Always remember to check your battery in your camera before leaving. I went to take a picture and my camera is not working. My only guess is that the battery is dead. At least I pray that is all that is wrong.

*There are way too many "break up" and "my heart is hurting cause of you" songs on the radio. I tried to avoid those, but it's hard when you only have 5 stations and you are tired of listening to your CD's.

All in all it was a very smooth trip today. I have 7 hours of driving ahead of me tomorrow. I imagine the closer I get to New Mexico the prettier the drive will be.

My anti-anxiety meds are kicking in a little bit. I am still very nervous and I am worrying a lot too. I feel that I have no stability in my life right now. I don't have a job which is making me worry about money issues, I worry about being strong enough to get past all of this without making my life and Laura's life miserable, and there are about a million other things I am worrying about.

I am working really hard on a positive attitude. I have lots of moments where I am excited about the future, but there are moments where I am scared to death. I wish I could bottle up those moments where I am excited and pull it out when I am feeling down.

Tomorrow is a new day and I can't wait to see my friend.