As you can see there is NEVER a dull moment in our house. At the end of the video Sophie takes her paw and hits Oliver on the butt. I thought it was cute, but Oliver was very upset and offended by it.
P.S. Can you tell what we were watching on TV? :)
Sunday, September 30, 2007
As the movers were moving all my things out of the house I stood in the front yard and watched them. I kind of stood to the side and I could see Lynilu's old house. I stood out there and thought of all the memories I had in the house and I started to cry. I was not crying because I was sad about moving in with MG, I was crying for all the memories. It truly was a bittersweet moment in my life.
Yesterday I went back to get a few items that were left behind and boy was it weird walking into my house with nothing in it. Keep the prayers going for the house to sell. Once it sells MG and I have decided to stay in this house for a couple years and save some money so we can buy a bigger house with a nice fenced in yard for the babies. Although, I am really enjoying the walks we are taking with the dogs. I know Sophie is getting more exercise now then she has her entire life. But it's great how excited she still gets every time I way "You want to go for a walk?"
Saturday, September 29, 2007
It's songs like t his that really make my obessive compulsive side come out. Yesterday morning while I was waiting for the movers I watched this video. I have not been a huge fan of Melissa Etheridge, but I love this song. I had to drive back down to the house on Bennington today and the entire drive there and back I just played this song. I asked MG if she liked the song and her response was, "Do I have a choice not to like it?" Oh, the things we sacrifice for the ones we love.
Friday, September 28, 2007
The day started out at 5am. The movers weren't scheduled to be at the house until 8am, but I woke up at 5am and decided to just get up. Once I got up I pretended like it was any other normal day so Ben would not realize anything was wrong. He let me pick him up and off to the spare bedroom he went. I managed to get the other two cats in with no problem. By 7am they were all pretty upset and scratching at the door. Once I got the cats in the room my stress level went WAY down. I was so afraid that Ben was going to freak out and go hide somewhere and I would not find him before the movers came. But it all went well.
The movers showed up at 8:15am. There were actually 3 of them and I knew the move was going to be done pretty fast. At this point MG was still probably about 20 minutes away. She had to drop Oliver off at the vet since he will be spending the night there. We decided that the cats needed one night to adjust before we introduce them to him. About 2o minutes after the movers got there I got MG and asked where she was since the movers were almost done. I couldn't believe they were already almost done. Well, by 8:45 they were done. Everything was packed up and we were heading to the new house. Thankfully MG arrived about 5 minutes before we hit the road for the new house.
We arrived at the new house about 40 minutes later and by 9:45am they were done. And they helped us carry the other couch downstairs. MG and I laughed because they made it seem so easy. We were cussing yesterday because we couldn't get the couch downstairs.
After the movers left we did a little bit of unpacking and then headed back to my old house to get the babies. Oh, and to vacuum. Note to self: Always make sure you vacuum under the bed and dressers. Man, there was a lot of dog hair.
Once we were at the house on Bennington I vacuumed while MG loaded up the cars with more stuff. It was funny because when we let Sophie out of the bathroom (she was in there while the movers were there) she went running through the house like, "where the hell is all our stuff??" She did find a couple really old Cheetos that had been under the couch. YUCK. I then loaded the cats up in their carriers and we headed back up north. On the drive back up North I had the cats in my car and MG had Sophie. Ben and Bonk were in one carrier and there was only one mild cat fight along the way.
So here we are. We still have a lot of unpacking and organizing to do, but it feels great to be here. Ben is still hiding somewhere, but Bonk and Brady are out and about getting to know their new house. I will start to get worried when I don't see Ben by Thanksgiving. :)
Oh, and not only did I get the Wireless connection back together (Yay me), but I also got the surround sound for the TV hooked up on the first try, and it works (Yay me again). I was pretty proud of myself.
If you want to see more pictures, click HERE. I also have a couple videos that I took before I moved that I will share another time. Right now, it's time for a Corona and some much needed nap.
One last thing: I think part of the reason that this move was so perfect was because of the person right beside me. MG is so wonderful. Yesterday she surprised me with a print that I feel in love with two weeks ago. When I arrived at the house today there were a dozen roses in the bedroom with a card and a Cheesecake in the fridge for dessert tonight. My life is perfect.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
This video is not the best, but the words really hit me today. I did indeed have that moment today when I realized that I am going to be OK. What a great feeling. Here are the words to the song:
I kept the right ones out
And let the wrong ones in
Had an angel of mercy to see me through all my sins
There were times in my life
When I was goin' insane
Tryin' to walk through
When I lost my grip
And I hit the floor
Yeah,I thought I could leave but couldn't get out the door
I was so sick and tired
Of livin' a lie
I was wishin that I
With the blink of an eye you finally see the light
When the moment arrives that you know you'll be alright
And I'm sayin' a prayer for the desperate hearts tonight
That one last shot's a Permanent Vacation
And how high can you fly with broken wings?
Life's a journey not a destination
And I just can't tell just what tomorrow brings
You have to learn to crawl
Before you learn to walk
But I just couldn't listen to all that righteous talk, oh yeah
I was out on the street,
Just tryin' to survive
Scratchin' to stay
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
This will probably be my last post until we are all settled in at MG's house. I am hoping that will be early evening on Friday. I am planning on doing a video here and there on Friday. My hope is to post that Friday evening so you can see exactly how the move went. I am sure the cats will let me know (and everyone else) how the move is going on the drive up to MG's.
I hope everyone has a great couple of days and MG and I will see you on the other side.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Growing up I thought I was dumb. I had to repeat the first grade. I don't remember the reason, but for some reason they felt I was not ready to move onto second grade. I remember being in the fifth grade and sitting out on the back deck with my Dad working on some math homework. My Dad, who has literally no patience, probably was not the best person to be helping me with my Math homework. I just didn't get Math. I remember sitting on the deck feeling stupid. I felt there was something wrong with me.
Through most of my school years I felt stupid. I had one parent that did not really care that much about applying yourself in school and then I had another parent that pushed me so hard that I had no confidence in myself. So what I did was take a middle of the road approach to school. I did just enough to get by.
The very first time I felt smart was when I was getting my Bachelors Degree. We had a test in one of my social work classes and I got a B+. I remember sitting there shocked that this was actually my score. I couldn't believe it.
Today I had an interaction with my boss that I will probably never forget. We were talking and she said, "One of the things that I love about you Caroline is the fact that you are so bright. You just get it." She also mentioned how I had excellent people skills. Sometimes I just can't see it. I always used to think of myself as shy. Well, I think there is still a part of me that is very shy, but it seems that with each year that passes I am coming more and more out of my shell. Being sociable used to be such a scary thing for me. It's weird because I actually look forward to it now.
For someone that didn't sit up by herself until she was 9 months, walk until she was 18 months and talk until she was 2, I think I am doing pretty good.
My Mother wrote in my baby book, "She may be slow, but she is determined."
I think my Mom may be right.
Have I mentioned how I love rainy days? It's dark outside and getting cooler by the minute. This system that is here is bringing with it "some of the coolest temps for this season". Oh, what magical words those are. Two weeks ago we cooled down a lot, but it was only for a few days. It quickly went back into the high 80s and 90s. I am hoping this system kicks summer out for at least the next eight months.
Just 3 days until a new chapter in my life starts. Now that the time is get closer I am getting more excited and not so afraid. It's amazing how fear has controlled so much of my life. I will tell you, life is more beautiful when I push right through that fear and go after what I want. Three years ago I took a huge leap of faith by following that inner voice and never once have I regretted it. This Friday I am also taking a huge leap of faith. And just like three years ago I am listening to that soft voice deep inside. When I listen to that inner voice things always seem to work out exactly the way they are suppose to.
Monday, September 24, 2007
I have a lot to do this week, but somehow it will all get done.
Saturday when I was at the M*agic Johnson thing I somehow hurt my back. Well, I am not sure if it was there or moving the cedar chest that I am giving to my best friend or mowing the yard yesterday. At some point I hurt my back because by yesterday afternoon I could barely walk. I have been taking lots of Advil and so far that has really helped. My back does feel a lot better today and I just pray that it continues to get better before Friday. I don't have a lot of heavy stuff to move since the movers are doing all the heavy stuff, but I have a lot of small things that I still need to move. Like MG said, I am the queen of gadgets and I have about a million that I still need to move.
And then there are the pets. I have already decided that I am getting up really early Friday morning and locking the cats and Sophie in the one room where the movers are not getting anything. Please pray for a smooth transition for them; especially little Ben. I have had him since he was a kitten and we have never moved. Both Brady and Bonk are experienced movers, but I am sure it will be hard on them as well since the last time we moved was 10 years ago.
Tonight I am spending the evening with my best friend and she always has a way of making things not seem so overwhelming. Oh, and a couple Coronas always helps with that as well.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
Ever since I wrote that email to my Mom I have been doing a lot of thinking. When I sent it and even when I posted it to my blog I was thinking it was a good email, but I had no idea how much I have truly changed in the last six months until I went back and read it the next day. As I was reading the email again it was if I was reading what someone else wrote, not my own words.
For so long I have masked my hurt with anger. Instead of admitting that I was hurt, I would lash out in anger. It is a lot easier to be angry then to admit that I was hurt. When it comes to my parents I think I spent most of the last 3 1/2 years angry with them. I was too afraid to just admit that I was really just hurt. When Laura left six months ago I was sad and hurt, but around May I switched that feeling to angry. And for the last four months I have only expressed my anger at Laura. The truth is, I am still just really hurt at what she has done. I am hurt that she loved someone more than me. I am hurt that she lied to me. I am hurt that she has just walked away from all her responsibilities here.
When I was a child we went to Hawaii five times. As many of you might know, the big island of Hawaii is an active Volcano. I remember standing on the lava and looking down and seeing the hot lava moving underneath. The other thing that I always noticed was the amazing and beautiful growth that was all around me. I used to find it amazing that something could grow back in what seemed like complete destruction.
After re-reading that email I wrote my Mom I realized and became grateful for the new growth that has occurred in me since March. Sitting here tonight I really do feel like a totally different person then I was the day before the breakup.
Sometimes the most devastating event can actually create something even more beautiful.
I think it's time to write that letter to Laura.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
This morning I got up way too early for a Saturday to help my very best friend with the basketball clinic with M*agic Johnson. I rushed out the door this morning without eating anything thinking that I would just eat something there. That would have been a wonderful idea if I had time. The minute I walked in the door at 7:15am until I finally walked to my car at 2pm I was working and running around. It was well worth it, believe me. I got to see my best friend doing what she is best at: advocating for the youth in our community. It was wonderful to see her working so hard for those kids and I have never been more proud to call her my friend.
Back to not eating....Oh, that was a very bad thing. I learned that when I have not eaten (or had anything to drink) all day I get very grumpy. And me being grumpy is not a good thing. Usually when I am grumpy one small thing will make me cry and then it's all over with.
After I left the basketball clinic I had planned on driving up to MG's house to stay the night. I called her and told I was too tired to do anything. She decided to come down and take me to lunch.
The other thing I learned today is: Lobster is the perfect solution to any of my problems. Yes, MG took me for a lunch that consisted of lobster. God, it was good. But in the middle of my meal I thought of something (not too sure what it was) and I just start crying. MG was wonderful in just listening to me and reassuring me that I do have a lot going on and all these emotions are normal. You know, I hate to cry when I am eating, especially when it's lobster.
OK, I have some exciting news. MG has created a blog. I am so excited about her venture into bloggerland and I hope you will go over and make her feel welcome. I know several of you think I should give MG a different name, but I kind of like MG as her nickname. You will find out what her real name is by going to her blog.
And one of my very good friends just had a baby yesterday. You must go check out Amy and Chris' beautiful little girl Charlotte. She is one of the most alert and active newborns I have ever seen. So go and wish Charlotte a very Happy Birthday.
Oh, and one more thing: M*agic Johnson did make eye contact with me (he was like 5 feet from me) and said HI. So, not only did I get to meet him, but he said HI to me. I thought it was pretty cool.
Friday, September 21, 2007
"Your Mom wanted me to call you and see when we could arrange to come get the furniture. Give me a call so we can talk about it. You have my cellphone number and I'll talk to you later."
About a month ago my Dad called saying that my Mom was wanting some of my furniture. When my ex-husband and I got married, my parents gave us two pieces of antique furniture. My Mom is now wanting that furniture. I actually find this whole situation kind of humorous. I love how my family thinks they can just pop into my life whenever they want and act like nothing has happened. Well, I don't think my Mom is pretending because she can't even call me herself. She always has to go through other people to communicate to me. Unfortunately, that is not how I like to communicate.
I did not call my Dad back and I don't think I will. I have tried for 3+ years to work on my relationship with my parents and all I have received in return is nasty emails.
Here is the email I wrote my Mom in response to her request for my furniture:
I received an interesting call from Dad today concerning the furniture you said you wanted.
First of all, I never said it was OK for you to have any of my furniture. Both of the pieces of furniture you have requested to have were wedding gifts to James and me. Second, I do not want you to have the furniture.
A month ago when Dad called saying you wanted some of the furniture I actually found his call kind of humorous. I am not sure why you think you can suddenly contact me (or go through someone else) and say you want some of my furniture. I have tried numerous times over the past 3+ years to repair my relationship with you. The only response I have gotten from you is nasty emails. Even when I run into you at Walmart and say Hi and that I love you, you laugh at me and walk away. And now you think that it's OK for you to ask for some of my furniture. You might think again....
I find it interesting that you would be willing to come into my house to get the furniture, but it's not OK for you to come into my house as my Mother. Three years ago you made it perfectly clear that I was no longer welcome in your house. Why do you think you would be welcome in my house after all the mean and hateful things you have said to me and probably most other people?
Believe it or not, I am very happy. I know you have this picture in your mind that I am living this miserable existence, but you are completely wrong about that. I have accepted the fact that my family wants nothing to do with me (unless of course they want some of my furniture) and even though I would rather have a relationship with you, I am OK with the fact that you don't.
I am thankful to have so many loving friends that love me, accept me with no conditions and are supportive of all I do. My friends have become my family.
If you knew all that I have accomplished in the last 3+ years, you would be proud of me. I am just sorry (and very sad) that you have chosen the path you did.
Do you realize the last words you actually spoke to me were "I hate you"? One day you will regret all you have said to me and I know you will regret that fact wanted nothing to do with me.
I am a wonderful, loving and caring person and it's sad that you don't want to see me as this person. You are missing out on a lot.
P.S. You can pass this email on to Dad if you want to or anyone else in the family.
It's amazing how I can get so much healing from just one email.
I had long meeting this morning where all the managers went over FMLA. I must be growing up because I actually found it interesting. Boy there is a lot to know about it, but thankfully we have a wonderful HR department that has told us to pass anything involved with FMLA onto them. Whew..
Lynilu asked how Brady was doing, so I thought it was time for an update. He is doing good. He is back to his normal self. He is greeting me at the top of the stairs when I get home, tormenting the other cats and being very demanding for attention. I did notice this morning that there is a red spot on his incision (which has healed great) and I am going to keep an eye on it to make sure it doesn't turn into anything.
Well, a week from right now I should be almost moved into MG's house. Last night I packed up some more stuff that we will take over tomorrow night. We are trying to move as much stuff as possible by ourselves so it won't cost so much with the movers. I have been studying my cable modem and the wireless connection so I can make sure it all gets put back exactly the same way.
I guess that's about it for now. Sorry for the kind of boring post. Maybe something exciting will happen over the weekend so I will have a really exciting post. Maybe I'll get to actually talk to M*agic Johnson.
Until next time....
Thursday, September 20, 2007
So far no problems with my blog. I did have a visitor from Louisiana yesterday and my first thought was it was Laura, but I really don't think it was. And even if it was I really don't care.
The countdown has begun for the big move. I have talked MG into going to Time Warner this weekend to upgrade her cable. Right now she just has basic cable and no DVR box. I told her I just had to have a DVR box so I could record my Little House on the Prairie. I swear, Little House is better then Xanax for me. It calms me down in the evenings and helps with the transition from work to home. Thankfully MG is OK with upgrading the cable. I have so much to do between now and next Friday, but I know it will all get worked out. I am getting a little nervous about the cats and their transition. I think I am most worried about Ben. Although, my best friend was over on Sunday night and for the very first time ever, Ben just walked out from behind the couch and went right to my friend. Maybe, just maybe after 6 years he is realizing I would never bring someone in the house the would hurt him.
This weekend the movie Into the Wild comes out in theatres. I loved this book and can't wait to see the movie. I don't know if we will have time to go see it this weekend, but I am hoping. A few weeks ago I won movie passes for going that "extra mile" at work. Nothing better then going to the movies and having free tickets.
Did anyone watch Kid Nation last night? I watched it and actually really liked it. It broke my heart though when some of the kids were so homesick. One boy went home at the end of the show because he just missed his parents so much. He was the cutest little boy and I hated seeing him so upset and sad. I don't think I would ever let my kids go on a show like that. What were those parents thinking????
Happy Friday Eve everyone.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Well, Dee guessed the correct answer. Yes, my blog is public again. I guess you could say this is a trial run to see if I run into any problems. Thankfully I printed out the permission page, so if there are any problems with unwanted pests, then I will just add the password protection again.
Thank you all for taking that extra step of having to log in to read my blog. You guys are the best. Oh, and Dee, I will be getting in touch with you about that prize.
Last night I talked with Katie. I tell you, that woman cracks me up. She had me laughing for over an hour. I am really jealous of her accent though. She has one of those unique accents that you only find in Minnesota. You might check out her post about what she learned about me last night. It's very humorous.
Well, I need to get back to work. We have a psychotic client upstairs and they need all the help they can get right now. And one of my boss' has lost his favorite pen and he has put out a reward for anyone that finds it. Since I can sympathize with loving pens, it's my duty to help him locate his beloved pen.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
I have this picture in my mind of how I want things, but is that picture just a fantasy? Can it become reality? If I think about what I want hard enough will I then open my eyes and find that my fantasy has become a reality? It's funny because I used to think that I wanted my life to be a certain way. Once my life was the way I wanted it to be I still didn't seem happy.
I have always had such high expectations of myself. I don't allow myself to make mistakes and if I do make a mistake then I beat myself until I am black and blue on the inside. When I make myself black and blue on the inside no one can see it, or can they? I know the way we perceive ourselves comes across to other people that know us and love us. I wonder if sometimes I hide it so well that no one can tell how badly I am broken on the inside. What would happen if I let someone in to see how much damage I have done to myself? I know that I pray that they would still love me and help me help myself, but do I ever let someone truly in? I don't think I do. I have a point where I will let someone in just far enough and then close up again. I wonder what it feels like to allow someone to see all of you. I imagine it's very nice and maybe one day I will get there.
My therapist asked me if I felt I was damaged goods. Wow, what a hard question to answer. Yes, I do think to some degree I am damaged. I think that is why I don't really let anyone in. I am afraid when they see how much damage I have done to myself they will change their mind about me. It seems that at some point people are always leaving me. This feeling goes all the way back to when I was adopted. Why is rejection so hard for me to accept. Everyone is rejected at some point in the life; why can't I accept that rejection as a flaw on their part rather then something being wrong with me?
This post reminds me of a line from a song: You can't always be bad, you can't always be good.
Somewhere along the line I learned that I always have to be good. And when I do make a mistake or make a bad decision then there is something horribly wrong with me. I need to learn that making mistakes is a way to learn and grow.
When your heart is hurt as badly as mine was six months ago it brought up a lot of other stuff that I never dealt with. I thought I had dealt with this stuff, but really I had just pushed it off and figured I would deal with it later. Well, now is later and I am being forced to deal with this. Some of this stuff is really old and pretty bad now.
Who knew healing would take so much work and be so emotionally draining? I surely didn't.
Monday, September 17, 2007
- I got my cable bill and it was $48 more then normal. When the very nice Time Warner lady took me out of the contract, it raised the price I pay each month. I was not aware of this. With the move next week money is very tight right now. I had no idea how I was going to come up with that extra $48. Before I got home I had stopped to get a Coke and picked up a $2 scratch off lottery ticket. After reading the mail and seeing my bill I decided to see if I won anything from my scratch off ticket. Would you believe I won $50???? I know God probably doesn't like gambling, but somehow I think He helped me out tonight.
- Brady is doing very well. He has almost healed completely and is showing no signs that he is in pain. You would never know he was sick by just looking at him. He even was being an ass tonight and chasing Bonk and Ben. They were not amused at all. I love it!!!
- My Friends. No explanation needed here.
- My MG. Several of you have said she needs a new name. I love the name I have given her and I think I am going to keep it the same for a while. Oh, and she is toying with the idea of starting her own blog. I told her the title should be "Carolines MG". She laughed with that idea. We all need to encourage her to start one.
- My friends who love to cook. One of my friends brought over a bunch of smoked ribs for me. Damn they are good. I love that my friends are taking care of me before I move. Without some of them I might be eating cookies for dinner.
- Feeling really tired tonight.
This picture is one of the benefits of being at work by 7am. There were the most beautiful clouds by the sunrise. They were low and moving pretty quickly. At first I thought it was smoke, but then realized it was clouds.
I had a rough night last night. I had the hardest time falling asleep. I had a lot on my mind. I finally pulled Ben up next to me and started petting him. That always helps me fall asleep. Then at 12:45am the neighbors dog woke me up. Have I mentioned how much I hate my neighbors dog? It's just a small dog, but they let it run all around. Last night at 10pm I went out on my front steps and there was dog poop and pee right next to my front door. I was tempted to scoop it up and put it on their car. Ugh. Once I was up I realized that I had the most horrible cramps. Seriously they were really bad. My back and leg was hurting also which only happens when my cramps are really bad. I took some Advil and within 20 minutes was feeling better. When the alarm went off it was a little hard to get up.
I have a couple things on my mind that I wish I could talk about here on this blog. It's times like this that I still with I was just this anonymous blogger that I could write what I am thinking and not be judged by anyone that knows me in real life. I am not saying that the people that know we in real life judge me, but sometimes it's easier sharing things that are going on with people that have no idea who I am. Maybe I will create a second blog with a different identity to talk about this stuff. Anyone else have this problem? The stuff that is on my mind is not a bad thing, but writing about it on here could complicate my life a lot.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
This is my nephew Alec and me in April 2002. He was just one day old when my got this picture of me holding him. I loved (and still do very much) that little boy so much.
Then MG and I ran around and did some errands and by 3pm were taking a much needed nap. It was the perfect day for a nap.
I look forward to the day when I stay there all the time. It sucks having to come back on Sunday, but I only have one more weekend where I have to leave her come Sunday.
This morning when I got back home I decided to bury the St. Joseph statue that MG bought me.
Here is the statue. I am hoping it will work better then my Realtor.
I usually get a second wind around 10pm and last night MG witnessed that first hand. I decided we needed to go out to Walmart to get Sophie a new leash. I am horrible to take to the store. I am like a little kid and usually find 5 or 6 other things that I just have to have. What should have been a $20 trip to Walmart turned out to be almost $80. I am thinking that MG will soon say she will go to the store by herself. :)
Well, I have some more packing to do because I just know my St. Joseph statue will work.
One last thing.....
Sometimes this person says exactly what I am thinking but unable to find the words. It's amazing that someone you think handles everything perfectly sometimes has bad days as well.
Friday, September 14, 2007
These are the same neighbors that were on their back deck last weekend at 10pm, love songs playing loudly and all the lights out. Huh, I wonder what they were doing.
Until the fall shows start again, my neighborhood is definitely better then TV.
During the conversation she talked about how Sharon's ex was upset around the beginning of September because it would have been their 7th anniversary. I understand Sharon's ex being upset. Laura was putting her down and I came to Jen's defense. I was so tired of Laura talking about how they two of them did not like how Jen was reacting to the whole break-up etc. As far as I am concerned, it's none of Laura or Sharon's business how Jen or I reacted to the break-up. If they are upset at our reactions, they need to remember they created all of this drama. Well, during this conversation Laura asked if I was talking to Jen. In April Laura had forbid me to talk to Jen. Stupid me played along with Laura, but in June I was tired of listening to Laura. So, when Jen left a comment on my blog I emailed her and we started talking. Jen and I don't talk alot, but occasionally we will email or IM each other. So when Laura asked me I told her that yes Jen and I were talking a little, but it had been a couple months since we had talked. I really thought it was none of her business to be asking who I am talking to, but I did not say anything. Laura then said how she hoped at some point we could be friends. I explained to her that at this point I can not trust her and that if we were to ever be friends she would have to work at regaining my trust.
Wednesday night I had emailed Laura about something and she never responded. (big surprise) So as I was on my way to work this morning I called Laura to see if she had read my email. She told me she went into her hotmail account, but my email was not there. I told her what was in the email and we hung up. Not two minutes later she called me back and said she lied about the email. Yes she had read the email but she was so upset that I was talking to Jen that she did not respond to the email and then lied about it today. She said when we got off the phone a few minutes earlier she was wondering if she really was a trust worthy person since she had just lied to me.
I am not sure why it shocked me so much that she lied to me again, but after the conversation we had just had it did surprise me.
Here are a couple things that Laura needs to realize:
- The day she broke up with me she lost the right to tell me who I can and cannot talk to.
- I really don't care that she is upset with me
- I think it funny that she is worried that Jen and I are talking. She must not be telling Sharon all of the truth about herself because she seems very concerned. BTW, there are some things I know for a fact that Laura has not told Sharon that I really think she should, but I would never out of malice tell Sharon. I am not and have never been that kind of person.
I love that I live my life with honesty. Life is so much easier when you don't have to worry about which story you have told this person or that person. One day Sharon will find out about all that Laura is not telling her; not because I would say something, but because it will come out in Laura's character or lack of character for that matter.
I try to live my life by what someone once told me: It's none of my business what anyone thinks of me.
You can not imagine how peaceful life is with that motto as well as always being honest.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
MG will arrive in Minneapolis on March 26 for her conference. I will fly in on the 27th. We will be in Minneapolis until Sunday the 30th. Then we will drive up to Grand Rapids where I went to camp from 1984-1989. I loved my summers at camp. I am thankful that my Dad talked my Mom into letting me go to camp. My Mom was nervous about me being so far away for so long (4 weeks). But the things I learned at camp are priceless.
My Dad's parents lived in a very small town outside of Grand Rapids called Outing. Seriously, I think this town had less then 200 people. There was one diner and we always ate there at least once a day while visiting. The woman that owned the diner was named Julie. When I was 8 years old I wanted to be just like Julie. Above the diner was a small hotel. I thought it was so cool that Julie would sit in her Lazy-Boy recliner after she cooked. Julie also introduced me to her wonderful BLT's and to this day I compare every BLT I eat to Julies.
I almost feel like I will be going home when I take this trip. Even though I have lived my entire life in Kansas City, I feel that my heart is in Minnesota. I feel at peace there. I feel centered in Minnesota.
I feel that my trip to Minnesota will be very healing for me. It will be a chance for me to look back at my life and feel proud for all I have accomplished and how much I have truly overcome to be the person I am at this exact moment.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
- Talked with the vet again today regarding Brady. His cancer is middle of the road in terms of being aggressive, but the oncologist said that the cancer cells are multiplying at an high rate. I talked with the vet about the options and I decided (because of finances) to not do anything right now. The vet was wonderful at reassuring me that I was not a horrible person for the very hard choice I had to make. I have decided that I will continue taking Brady to this vet even after I move. I feel more comfortable taking him to someone that knows him and also knows me.
- Had my first therapy appointment today. It went very well. Turns out my therapist has worked with my agency before and even knows my boss. Thank goodness for confidentiality laws. He suggested that I think about seeing a psychiatrist for some medication. I will think about it. He seemed very comfortable with the fact that I was gay, which was a huge relief. He did say that it seems like I am a small planet that has been shot out in the middle of nowhere by myself. I had never thought of it that way. I go back to see him on Monday and I am looking forward to it.
- A week ago I noticed that my brake light was on for the first few minutes each morning. Today it stayed on for my entire drive. I have an appointment on Saturday morning for LuLu to be looked at. I hope it just needs some brake fluid.
- The weather is absolutely beautiful right now. High in the 70s and lows in the 50s. It's perfect to me. I have been driving for the last two days with my a/c off and my sunroof open.
- MG bought a St. Joseph statue for my yard. We will bury it this weekend in hopes that the house will sell quickly. I had forgotten about that suggestion and I thought it was so sweet that she read that in my blog and decided to get me one.
- Thank you for all your congratulations on MG and I moving in with each other. I can't wait to get out life started together.
That's all for now.
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
MG and I have decided to move in with each other. We instantly clicked in a way that is really hard to explain. It was not rushed in any way. We took the time to get to know each other and it felt good doing things this way instead of rushing into something that was doomed from the very beginning. I think we were dating for 2 weeks before we even kissed, so to say we took things slow would probably be an understatement.
MG asked me (and all my babies) to move in with her probably 2 weeks ago. We decided to move in with each other, but to give our relationship a little bit more time before actually taking that step.
So, two weeks from this Friday (28th) the moving truck will be here to move all of us. I am so happy to be moving in with MG and I look forward to seeing her on an everyday basis. Right now we are about 40 minutes away from each other, but we are usually so exhausted from work that we do not see each other during the week. I can't wait to come home to her each night and know that come Sunday I don't have to leave her.
MG has taught me so much in the last 5 weeks. The most important thing she taught me is I am worth it. Seriously, the last 6 months I was feeling like a piece of crap. I felt like I was losing everything. I had lost Laura, I was going to be losing my house and once again I had to say goodbye to a family (Laura's family). Right when I had decided to step away from the dating scene, MG showed up and really took my breath away. She left me speechless. I never knew someone could love me as deeply and as genuine as she did/does. I think in the beginning I was afraid to talk about it on my blog because I felt that if I talked about it I would jinx it. I have never been more wrong in my life. I was afraid to share my blog with her. I didn't think it was possible to still love me after reading what I went through the last six months. (wow, that sounds horrible that I once thought that) Again, I was very wrong. I have learned that by opening up and allowing MG into my life and heart has only made things better. Life is better with her as part of it. And my heart is getting that tenderness it so desperately needs right now.
I still have some work to do on healing everything that has happened. I don't think I could have found a better person to help me heal from all my hurts. MG gives me love when I need it, space when I need it and silence when I need it.
I started 2007 out by thinking that April 16 was going to be a Good Day.
I was off by 5 months and 12 days.
September 28 is going to be a Good Day.
1.You have to post these rules before you give the facts.
2. Players, you must list one fact that is somehow relevant to your life for each letter of your middle name. If you don’t have a middle name, use the middle name you would have liked to have had.
3. When you are tagged you need to write your own blog-post containing your own middle name game facts.
4. At the end of your blog-post, you need to choose one person for each letter of your middle name to tag.
5. Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged, and to read your blog.
Middle Name: Ann
1. Do you like cheese? Most cheese I do like, but I do not like sharp cheese. Thanks one of Laura's nephews I found that pieces of cheddar cheese dipped in Ranch dressing is soo good.
2. Have you ever been arrested? No, but there is still time. :)
3. Have you ever shot a gun? When I was a kid at summer camp I took a rifle class. Loved it.
4. Your favorite song? Gee, this is like asking me which child do I love most. Some of my favorites right now: I Want Love--Elton John, Run--Snow Patrol
5. Do you get nervous before doctor appointments? Not usually
6. What do you think of when you eat hot dogs? I really don't want to know what they are made of.
7. What's your favorite Christmas song? Christmas Canon--Tran Siberian Orchestra
8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning? Only water before noon
9. Can you do push ups? Yes
10. Is your bathroom clean? Um, I plead the 5th. Actually I think it's pretty clean, but I do admit I have neglected it a little in the last few months
11. What's your favorite piece of jewelry? I am not really a jewelry person, so I don't think I have a favorite piece right now
12. Favorite Hobby? My favorite hobby is a secret, but the one I can tell you about it blogging
13. What are you listening to right now? Daniel--Elton John
14. What is the last thing you ate? Subway
15. What one trait do you hate about yourself? My lack of patience sometimes
16. Middle Name? Um, didn't I already answer this..Ann
17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment? Why has the vet not called, What is on TV tonight and Is it 5pm yet?
18. Name the last 3 things you have bought: Subway, Ice Tea and Cigarettes
19. Name 3 drinks you regularly drink. Water, Sunkist (I forgot how much I love this drink) and Coke
20. Current worry right now? Is Brady in pain?
21. Current hate? Laura's lack of character
22. Favorite place to be? Home during a snow storm
23. How did you bring in the New Year? With Laura. It was pretty boring and I really don't remember it that well.
24. What is your quirkiest habit? Play with my toes when I am bored while at home
25. Name three people who will complete this and return: I have no idea
26. How many siblings do you have? 1 brother
27. Do you own slippers? No
28. What shirt are you wearing? A shirt I bought while shopping with my Mom 3+ years ago. I love this shirt and will probably always have it.
29. What shampoo do you use? I know this sounds bad, but I really don't know.
30. Favorite colors? Navy Blue
31. Would you like to be a pirate? No
32. What songs do you sing in the shower? I am usually not awake enough to be singing in the shower
33. Favorite female name? Brooklyn or Alison
34. Favorite male name? Henry or Miles
35. What's in your pockets right now? Nothing
36. Last thing that made you laugh? A co-worker telling me a story of her 5th birthday.
37. Best bed sheets as a child? They had flowers on them and were bright colors.
38. Worst injury you've ever had? When I threw out my back in 1997. I was in bed for like 2 weeks.
39. When is your birthday? May 29
40. How many TVs do you have in your house? Two
41. Who is your loudest friend? Laurie Ann
43. Does someone have a crush on you? I hope so
44. Do you wish on shooting stars? Yes
45.What is your favorite book? The Lords of Discipline--Pat Conroy
46.What is your favorite age? 30's are pretty good
47. What song do/did you want played at your wedding? When I married my ex-husband we had Canon in D played. I have no idea if I will ever get married again.
48. What song do you want played at your funeral? Canon in D and Open Arms--Michael W. Smith
49. What were you doing at 12 am this morning? Dreaming
I have no idea who to tag, so if you want to do this just let me know.
Monday, September 10, 2007
Tomorrow I will be talking with the vet after she has talked with the oncologist. I am thinking only positive things. No matter what happens Brady knows I love him and that is all that really matters in the end.
On Wednesday I have an appointment with a counselor through our EAP. They are sending me to a male counselor, which I am not too sure about. But I am willing to give it a try. Only positive thoughts.
It's going to be a busy week, but that is good. The busier I am, the faster the week will go by and the sooner I will be able to see MG again.
Apparently when summer decides to leave KC, it just leaves. In 24 hours we have gone from hot summer weather to me having to have a blanket on the couch this evening. All of my winter clothes are packed, so I am having to still wear shorts. I will go into detail later about why I am not unpacking. :)
As for this cooler weather, I am loving it. I never thought fall was going to get here.
It's now time to start the countdown for the first snow!!!!
Oh, one thing that I forgot to mention: Attention all bloggers in Minneapolis: It looks like MG and I will be in the beautiful state of Minnesota from March 28-April 2. I can not tell you how excited I am about traveling up to my favorite state and hopefully meeting at least 3 of you. I just hope there is a little bit of snow left over!! :)
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Who knew that a broken heart was so hard to heal?
I am thankful that MG is loving, supportive and kind to me as well and my tender heart.
I am doing all I can to make sure that I do not mess up this wonderful thing I have with MG.
I have seen and experienced a lot of love in my life and I know when I have something you only find once in a lifetime.
I want love.
As always I have had a great weekend with MG. Sophie and Oliver are like old friends and are so excited when they see each other. We are so happy that they are getting along as well as the two of us. To see more pictures of the weekend you can click HERE. One thing about MG's house: I don't think I have ever seen a bad sunset. They are just beautiful and it seems they get more and more beautiful each weekend.
Friday night I did call my EAP. I am not too sure how it works, but I guess someone is going to call me back on Monday to set up an appointment. I don't think it can come soon enough.
Hope everyone has had a great weekend.
Friday, September 07, 2007
The tumor is not the most aggressive, but it's also not the least aggressive. The vet described it as middle of the road. But the pathology report did say that she did not get all of the tumor or cancer cells. The vet is going to talk with the oncologist on Tuesday to see what our options are.
All I know is, I want to go home right now and just hold Brady. I am so sad all of this is happening.
Even if we do have options, I am not sure if I can afford any of them.
I just want to go home and be with him.
That is all.
Thursday, September 06, 2007
I got the number for our companies EAP, but did not feel comfortable calling from work (don't know why) and had planned on calling when I got home tonight. Guess what? I forgot the number at work. I will call tomorrow when I get home.
Tomorrow I will get the pathology report from Brady. I pray hard that he will be OK. Thank you all for your kind words. My pets and I (especially Brady) appreciate all of them.
- Brady is doing good. By 9pm last night he was at least able to walk without falling down. He does not seem like he is in any pain. The incision is looking good and the swelling has gone down. He is looking at me with this "Why?" look. I wish I could explain to him why all this happened. Brady going through the surgery and then having him purr when I held him last night made me love him even more.
- As many of you might have seen by her comment I finally have allowed MG to read my blog. I think it was the right choice.
- Speaking of MG, yesterday was one month since we have been seeing each other and she sent me flowers at work. So sweet. (sorry no pic, but as you know yesterday was a crazy day)
- Today when I got to work my boss told me that one of the techs I fired has filed a claim that I fired her based on her race. Thankfully I documented everything. My boss is not concerned, so I will not be concerned.
- I am going to call our EAP today because the blues have come back and are making themselves at home. It's not as overwhelming as before, but I don't want to get to that point ever again.
- Sometimes I feel like I will never be financially OK again. If it's not one thing it's another. I never can catch a break and I wonder if I will ever be able to catch up.
- I felt like a complete failure yesterday when I had to ask MG to borrow the money for Brady's surgery. It cost $430 and I just didn't have it. I really had one of those moments where I felt like I totally sucked.
Wednesday, September 05, 2007
He is getting ready to go into surgery right now.
I hope he is OK and they are able to remove all of the cancerous cells.
Please take a second and pray for my buddy Brady.
The vet just called and Brady made it through the surgery just fine. She was a little concerned because his blood pressure dropped pretty low during the surgery, but he is doing better now. In about an hour I am going to pick him up to take him home. The vet said they were able to get all of the tumor and now we just wait for the blood work to see if it has spread.
You can click on the pic to get a better view of his boo boo.
Tuesday, September 04, 2007
Thanks to Amy I think I have found my new favorite song. Not only do I love the words (they are wonderful and so me), but I love Canon in D which is the song at the very beginning. Enjoy the song, I am now off to download this song onto Penelope (iPod). Here are the lyrics to the song:
I was thinking that I might fly today
Just to disprove all the things you say
It doesn't take a talent to be mean
Your words can crush things that are unseen
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
You always tell me that is impossible
To be respected and be a girl
Why's it gotta be so complicated?
Why you gotta tell me if I'm hated?
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I was thinking that it might do some good
If we robbed the cynics and took all their food
That way what they believe will have taken place
And we can give it to people who have some faith
So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive
And I'd like to stay that way.
I have this theory that if we're told we're bad
Then that's the only idea we'll ever have
But maybe if we are surrounded in beauty
Someday we will become what we see
'Cause anyone can start a conflict
it's harder yet to disregard it
I'd rather see the world from another angle
We are everyday angels
Be careful with me 'cause I'd like to stay that way
I try to avoid this nurse because she is just nuts and tries to push her work off on me. A few weeks ago she cornered me and said I was not doing my job and that maybe I should just spend some more time up on the unit. I am not sure where she figured I was not spending enough time up there because I spend a lot (probably more then I should) of time up there. I went to our boss and he was very upset that she did that and sat her down and told her she had no right to talk to me like that and that it was in fact her not doing her job.
This morning I had to go into the nurses office to get something and I made the mistake of asking how her weekend was. She went on to tell me about this church revival she went to over the weekend. She explained how she got a lot of her anger and guilt out in the 3 day revival. She then went on to tell me how we all need to be saved or we are going to hell. Apparently to her hell is where we burn forever. She made sure she pointed out that it was forever. The real kicker was when she then told me that homosexuality is an abomination and that if I ever wanted any information on being saved or repenting to let her know.
Um, I don't think so. I am pretty happy knowing that my God loves me exactly the way I am. If anyone needs to be saved it would be her.
Yes what she said to me bothered me a little because for a few seconds my JW thinking came back and I thought, "Maybe she is right. Maybe who I love is wrong and that is why I have had so many hard times the past six months". Thankfully one of my favorite co-workers (and boss') were there for me when I needed to vent about what this nurse said. I told them about my thoughts for a brief second and my boss looked at me and said, "Please don't let what she said make you think that. There is nothing wrong with who you love and do not let what she said upset you." I was not upset, I actually thought what the nurse said was kind of funny.
Maybe my heart has become hardened to the mean things people say to me. I used to always be told that I was too sensitive. Maybe I am becoming less sensitive. And to be honest, I think I would be upset if I was becoming less sensitive. I think it's very humbling to be sensitive.
I know too many people that have hard hearts and I never want to be like that. I love the fact that I still cry at commercials, movies I have seen 100 times and when I see a stray dog walking around that has been badly neglected.
Being sensitive is a very good thing in my book and I am proud of that fact that I have feelings and I am not ashamed to show them.
Monday, September 03, 2007
Saturday night MG and I went to the best restaurant for dinner, Texas Road House. I had seen it driving to her house and it just looked like a fun place to eat. We had to wait about 30 minutes, but while you are waiting they give you peanuts to munch on. When you are done with the shell you just throw it on the floor. It was kind of fun. My meal was called "Road Kill". Boy was it good. I can't wait to go back again.
Yesterday we drove about 40 miles north to St. Joseph, MO. There is a psychiatric museum and I have been wanting to go for years. It was interesting to say the least. It's amazing how far we have come in the treatment of mental illness.
Here are some pictures of this weekend.
I just love this picture. If you look closely you can see my reflection, Sophie (left) and Oliver (right).
Taken at the museum. All these items were found in one persons stomach. They did surgery because the patient was complaining of stomach pains. Gee, I wonder why.
Restraint Cage. This museum used mannequins and it just really freaked me out.
I love this "Golden Rule". Such a good reminder for all of us.
Loyalty to ones job.
Sophie and Oliver playing.
If you want to see more pictures from this weekend click HERE. There might even be one of MG.
Sunday, September 02, 2007
MG is at church right now. I decided to run home to check on the cats and to make sure my strays were still OK. On Friday I noticed Brady had a small bump below his ear. Yesterday morning it was a little bigger and more red. I took some antibiotic cream to put on it this morning and it is really looking bad. As soon as I put on the cream (which he hated) it started bleeding. I am wondering if the pressure I put on it when I was applying the cream did something. I will continue to keep an eye on it. Isn't this typical: something happens to one of the pets right in the middle of a holiday weekend where the only thing open is an Animal ER. I hope when I go home tomorrow it will be a little better. Other then being a little irritated by the cream, Brady is acting normal, or least normal for Brady.
I also went through my mail that had come yesterday. I got something from the Missouri Employment office asking if my change of address was correct. The "new" address they have I have never heard of and have no idea why they thought I was moving. I am wondering if something has gotten my personal information and is trying to claim unemployment. The letter did say that if I did not put in the request then I need to provide 2 forms of identification and then they will investigate. Kind of scary isn't it? With some of the financial problems that Laura has been so generous to leave behind, if someone did get a hold of my personal information they might be a little disappointed.
Hope everyone has a great Labor Day.