Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
For the last year I have only been spending money on things I need. It's been a huge adjustment going from a two income household to just one. Most people have a financial safety net, but really I only have me to depend on. It really makes me watch my money.
But I also think there needs to be some balance and you need to allow yourself some flexibility when it comes to money. This has been really hard for me and I have noticed that I am not allowing myself to also have a little bit of fun.
I am very thankful that this co-worker helped me see that it's OK to spend some money on myself and more importantly to have a little bit of fun.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Here is a picture of Sophie:
And here is a picture of Scamp.
Scamp lives with the sister of one of my co-workers. Scamp was given to my co-workers sister after the liter of dogs was born. My co-workers sister said she wanted the runt and Scamp came home with them. I found Sophie at 23rd and Benton and Scamp was at 23rd and Denver. The streets Benton and Denver are only blocks away from each other. Both Scamp and Sophie will be 10 in June. Scant is a very scared dog and does not like new people. When I walked in she came right to me and sat down at my feet. She kept licking my hands and was smelling my shoes. I wonder if she could smell her sister? Scamp is smaller then Sophie, but she was also the runt of the liter. The more we talked the more we realized how much the dogs have in common. Both will roll their faces in the snow, both lay the exact same way with their necks are bent around and both have a tendency to get bladder infections. We had fun comparing stories.
I think it is totally wild that they could be sisters. It really is a small world. We are thinking of trying to get them together to see how they react to each other.
I would also like to thank all of you that commented in my previous post. I loved hearing from so many of you that don't normally comment. And boy do I have a lot of readers in Canada. I wonder if my readers from Canada think I am crazy for loving the snow and cold weather.
Just remember....as long as you keep commenting then the kitty will be fed. :)
Thursday, March 27, 2008
As we were driving, Sophie had this look of fear. She knew something was up since the cats were in the car with her. The closer we got to the old house the more excited Sophie became. When we pulled up she was jumping all around and couldn't wait to get out of the car. Seeing her so excited just broke my heart. I knew she really missed the house. When I let her in the backyard she went running and seemed so excited to be running in her yard. I put them all in the same room and then headed to work. I felt so bad leaving them and worried about them most of the day.
When I got off work I went and picked them up. I allowed Sophie about 15 minutes in her yard and then we headed back to the apartment. As we pulled up to the complex Sophie got very excited. When I opened the car door she went running out. Once we got in the apartment she laid down and went to sleep.
All day I worried about the pets and sad because I felt like I had taken them from their home. I started thinking about my neighbor and it just made me angry. Dogs bark and if you live in a complex that allows pets, then you need to be patient when a dog barks now and then. Seeing how excited Sophie was when she was in the yard made me sad that she no longer has a yard to run in.
Right now I am looking at one dog and two cats that are sound asleep right next to me. Seeing this made me realize that it doesn't really matter where we live because as long as Bonk, Ben and Sophie are with me; they are happy.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
The manager then let me know that my upstairs neighbor has been complaining about Sophie barking. This completely shocks me. Sophie really doesn't bark that much and I am not sure why someone would complain about it. I told the manager that last Saturday there was a party at the club house and there were about 15 kids right next to my building that were very loud and Sophie was barking at them. These kids were so loud and so close to the apartment that I was getting annoyed at them. I really hope the manager does not think I am going to be a problem tenant.
When I moved in this neighbor was really nice and told me that if he ever made to much noise to just let him know. I really wish he had done the same and just let me know that Sophie's barking was bothering him.
I went to this neighbors door to apologize and let him know to just let me know if Sophie is barking too much, but he didn't answer the door. It's weird because as Sophie and I were walking up to the managers office this neighbor came home and I said HI to him. He didn't even look up when he said Hi to me. The funny this is, when Sophie saw him tonight she barked at him. You tell him Sophie.....
This morning I took all the pets back to the old house so they would be out of the way when they spray my apartment and I saw one of my other neighbors. This guys also has a dog and I asked him if Sophie barked too much and he laughed because he thought I was joking. I told him which neighbor complained and he said that neighbor is always complaining about something/someone. This neighbor said that his dog was also barking like crazy last Saturday because of the party at the clubhouse. This neighbor told me not to worry too much about this. I already feel better. Although Sophie did let out a small bark in her sleep last night and I shot up and told her to be quiet. She looked at me like I was crazy.
This morning I spent a few minutes going through my post from this time last year. I realized that I have come so far and my life is so much better. It was really helpful reading those posts and seeing how bad I was and that things are not that bad and I was likely just having a bad day.
Then I came across this picture and my heart completely melted. It was taken when I was in New Mexico visiting Lynilu.
With a dog this cute and loving my life can never be that bad.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
At work I have about 4 evaluations to do and I just can't seem to make myself complete them. It doesn't help that these 4 techs are not exactly my shining stars and it's like pulling teeth to get them to just do their job. I have given myself until Friday to complete them, but setting up the meeting with the techs to go over the evaluations will have to be a whole different goal.
I think I am kind of lonely as well. I miss having someone special in my life and wonder how long I will have to wait until she comes into my life. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair that others find love so much easier then me. At times like this I look at myself and see that I am overweight and know that this has to be part of the reason I am not finding someone. Then there is part of me that knows I don't want to be with someone that just looks at the outside.
One of my friends is a friend with benefits. She tells me all the time that I am beautiful and sexy and anyone would be lucky to be with me. At times I believe her and then other times I wonder if that was so true then she would want to be with me as much as I want to be with her.
Sometimes life just sucks.
Monday, March 24, 2008
I have always known I was adopted. My parents always told my brother and I that we were chosen and we should never be ashamed because we were adopted. I remember wondering about my birth mom as early as 8 years old. I have always wondered what she looked like and if I looked like her. When I was 26 I got the paperwork showing the story behind my adoption as well as my birth parents information.
I will never forget the day the paperwork came in the mail. As I sat and read about my birth parents I realized I was finally learning a little about them and some questions were finally answered. Here are some interesting facts about my birth parents:
*My birth mom's birthday is just one week after mine, so we are both Gemini's
*My birth mom has a twin sister
*My birth mom is only 5ft and my birth father is only 5'5. (I am 5'4 so I guess you could consider me tall for the family)
*My birth mom only weighed 105lbs (I was over 7lbs when I was born so that explains the difficult delivery)
*My birth mom has light brown hair and blue eyes (Sound like someone you know?)
*My birth mom was 24 when I was born and my birth father was 25
I also have their names. A few months after I got this paperwork I tried to find my birth mom. I paid something like $50 to a company and they gave me the name of a woman living in Minnesota. I talked with this woman and I am pretty sure it was my birth mom. She seemed to know what I was talking about, but denied having placed a child up for adoption. Then again it might not have been her, but I got a feeling that it was her.
I often wonder if my birth parents think of me. I wonder if they have ever thought of finding me, and if they have what has stopped them. There seems to be so many questions and not enough answers.
In the last few years the fact that I was adopted has given me a lot of comfort when dealing with my family. I have always felt like I did not belong and I was different in so many ways. I often wonder if my Mom & Dad never fully bonded with me and that is why it has been so easy for them to let me go. I wonder if my Mom had actually carried me for 9 months and given birth to me if she would feel differently towards me. I wonder if she would then love me unconditionally.
I am not sure what would be harder: giving a child up for adoption at birth or letting them go 30 years later because you can't control who they are. I believe that my birth mom gave me up because she loved me and knew she could not provide what I needed. She gave me up out of love. My parents on the other hand gave me up for selfish reasons; embarrassment, ashamed, worried how it would make them look, etc.
For me it's easier to forgive someone that has done something out of love rather then for selfish reasons.
One of my favorite sayings comes from Melissa Ethridge's song Message to Myself:
Sunday, March 23, 2008
My other gift was a new comforter. I wanted to take a picture, but Ben is sound asleep on the bed and I didn't want to move him. I have bee sleeping with my sleeping bag as my comforter for the past two months. When Ben was having accidents on the bed I took the comforter off and used the sleeping bag. He stopped having accidents so I knew I could not put the comforter back on. And I probably would have used the sleeping bag for much longer if it hadn't been for the extra money that came in this past week. My bed finally looks like a bed again and I am thrilled with my choice of new comforter.
Well, it's back to work tomorrow. My stomach is still pretty sensitive and I think I over did it today. I need to remember that just because something sounds good does not mean my stomach is ready for it. And I am still so tired. I laid down this afternoon expecting to nap for just an hour or so and I slept for 4 hours.
I hope everyone had a wonderful Easter.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
After almost 3 days of no solid food, I finally was able to eat a sandwich today. I woke up this morning so hungry and anything I looked at sounded good. It's always a bad idea to go grocery shopping when you are hungry, but when you go after only crackers and soup for 3 days you can find yourself in a lot of trouble.
I plan on doing nothing rest of the weekend. I got my laundry done today, cleaned the house and now I am done.
Oh and wait until you see what the Easter bunny brought me.
Friday, March 21, 2008
~The worst part about getting sick and living by yourself is the cleaning up part. I almost got sick again while cleaning up the bathroom.
~Sprite tastes really good.
~Dogs like crackers (no surprise), but I was surprised to learn that cats also love saltine crackers. Go figure.
~Sophie is the best dog ever. On Thursday when I could barely walk to the bathroom she was patient with me when I just walked her 10 feet out the door. She even went "poop" without having to walk our normal 1/2 mile.
~Ben loves to sleep right next to me when I have a fever. I think he thought I was his own personal heating pad.
~Even if you feel OK that does not mean you are ready to enter the real world again. I went to pick up a pair of Crocs I had placed on hold last weekend and just the drive to the store took the little energy I had. I then stopped at the grocery store and realized how tired I was and went straight home before I passed out.
~Having the flu is wonderful for losing weight. Not eating anything for 2 days (plus getting rid of any food I had on Wednesday) has helped me lose 5 pounds.
~It sucks to be hungry, but have no appetite.
~I am trying to figure out why I got the flu shot?
~I read on the Internet that virus' can not be passed between humans and pets, but I wonder what is going on with all the sickness that has been going on with me and all pets in my home. Sophie had diarrhea on Sunday morning, Lynilu's dog China got sick on Sunday, Bonk threw up a little (might have been a hairball), Sadie threw up twice, Ben seems to have a cold and then I got sick. I am thinking I need to scrub my entire apartment down with bleach.
My wonderful friend who brought me the Sprite and crackers also brought me this beautiful tulip plant. My apartment really needed a plant or flowers, so it has really made the place seem more alive.
As usual my work has been wonderful. I have received calls from most of my co-workers, emails asking if I need anything and several of my techs have called saying they were thinking of me. I am sick, but from all the attention my work is giving me you would think I had something more serious then the flu. But it still feels good to know that they are thinking of me and I can call them if I need anything. I asked my co-workers N & L to let the techs know that the weekend supervisor is on vacation this weekend and to call me if they have any problems. Both N & L emailed me back and said they would have the techs call them this weekend so I could rest and get better. I know I keep saying this, but I truly have the best co-workers/friends.
When I first started getting sick Wednesday night I was really scared because I was by myself. It has been a loooong time since I have thrown up, so the feeling really scared me and it was pretty traumatic. I quickly realized that I am not alone and I have so many people that care and love me.
I really am blessed.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
I am sick. I am really sick.
About 9pm last night I took a bath and started feeling sick to my stomach. I was pretty scared because it has been since high school since I have thrown up. (I will do anything to avoid throwing up) I am not sure what was worse: throwing up my entire dinner or throwing it up in the bathtub. I had to sit in the tub until I could get up. It was horrible.
I am so thankful that my boss did pick up Sadie last night because I don't think I could have taken care of both dogs while I am sick.
I was up every 30 minutes last night getting sick. I really think there is nothing left inside of me. I am trying to drink some water, but I am not able to keep that down. I don't even think I could make it to the store just up the street, so I emailed a friend asking her to bring me something this afternoon.
I don't know if I ate something bad or have the flu, but this is no fun at all. Oh, and I will not be having what I ate last night ever again.
I think this explains me feeling insecure last night. I had a knot in my stomach all day and it just kind of hurt. I forgot that I get insecure when I am sick.
I am going back to bed and don't plan on getting up all day.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
My boss called me today and they are on their way back to KC and will be flying out on Monday for her aunts funeral. She asked how Sadie was and I told her she was going good now, but we had a rough day on Monday. I explained what happened and she was sorry that Sadie was even a little bit of trouble. Really it was OK, but I was just worried about Sadie because I hate it when I am watching a dog and the dog just really freaks out.
About 30 minute ago my boss called me again and said they thought it would be better if they picked Sadie up tonight instead of tomorrow. I understand because if this was my dog and I knew Sophie had been upset I would want to get her as soon as I got home. But then the insecurities set in. I am worried that my boss now thinks I didn't do a good job taking care of Sadie. I know that is not true, but I still think that sometimes.
All of my life I have felt like I have these standards to live up to and it seems that I am always falling short. Sometimes I feel like I am just not good enough and I will never be. I felt this way a lot last spring when Laura left me. I felt like if I had done this or that differently then maybe she would have chosen me in the end. I now know that I was good enough and it is Laura's problem, etc.
But sometimes I forget and have to remind myself that I am OK just the way I am. So tonight once Sadie is picked up I will try to remember all the good things about myself.
At 12:30am I got a call from the security system for my work saying the fire alarm was going off at one of the residential buildings. I was half asleep when I answered the phone and I know the guy probably thought I was crazy or on something. When I first answered the phone I think I was still dreaming, but when he asked me "So you want me to take you off the list" I became more alert and wondered what I said for him to say that. I called the residential building and the tech said, "We have a fire here!". I am wide awake at this point. Come to find out, the fire alarm just went off and there was no fire. The fire department was dispatched and looked over the entire building and didn't find anything. I am thinking one of the clients was smoking in their room and that set off the alarm. I hope this will teach them not to smoke in their rooms. But after that call it was really hard falling back asleep.
Then Sadie woke me up at 5:30am to eat. I managed to get her to go back to sleep until 6:30am when I got up and fed her and Sophie and then took them for a walk.
But boy am I tired this morning. I can barely keep my eyes open. I am the only supervisor in the building today, so I am hoping I wake up soon in case someone asks me something important.
Can you guys go over and give a friend of mine some support. She is going through a really hard time right now and really needs a lot of encouragement. My heart goes out to her because I know exactly how she is feeling and going through. She needs to know that she will be OK and that she is worth it.
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
Well, today I got what I thought was another letter from the company. My first thought was, "yep they made a mistake and I actually owe them a lot more." I didn't open the letter for two hours and when I did I was shocked and amazed to see a check for $240!!!! I really am shocked over this. It's money I wasn't expecting but could really use. I am working really hard at taking care of some of my old bills and rebuilding my credit.
I hardly ever buy anything for myself. For example: I am have been wearing the same pair of Crocs for a year. I really should have bought some new ones 6 months ago, but I felt that I shouldn't spend the money.
So I think I am going to take at least part of this extra money and buy myself a couple things I have been wanting for a while. I know the first thing on that list is a new pair of Crocs.
I also wanted to let everyone know that Sadie is doing so much better. It looks like she had a good day and is very calm and relaxed. Oh and there was no throw up to clean up, so I think she is going to be just fine.
I will be doing a post tomorrow on my question I asked you guys. I know I didn't give you a lot of details, but I promise to give more details in my post.
I ended up coming into work about 30 minutes late and I will probably leave a little early as well. I don't think my boss would mind since it's because of Sadie. In spite of the throwing up and about tearing my arm off on walks, Sadie is still one of the sweetest dogs. Even Ben is trusting her now. He came out last night when I was laying next to her and laid next to me and Sadie.
I have a question for all of you. Is it possible for two people that come from completely different backgrounds and whose lives are so different, but have a deep love for each other able to make it? I've had something on my mind for the last couple of weeks and would be interested in what you guys think. I'll do a post in a few days about why I am asking this question.
Monday, March 17, 2008
It has been an interesting 24 hours to say the least. I am not sure what has happened, but the gentle Sadie has disappeared and a very nervous and strong (!!!!) dog has taken her place.
After Lynilu left yesterday both dogs were passed out. They slept most of the evening and seemed just fine. At 3:30am I woke up to a dog throwing up. I jumped out of bed and found Sadie at the front door throwing up. The look on her face was so sad. She was so upset and nervous. After I cleaned it up I took her out for a walk to see if she needed to go to the bathroom. She went both poop and pee and came back in and went back to sleep. Sadie loves to get up early to eat (like 5:30am early), but she slept until my alarm went off. As I walked Sophie I fed her and then took her for a walk. She seemed just fine.
When I got home both dogs were very happy to see me. I found myself sitting at work wondering if they were OK. I took both dogs on separate walks and all seemed fine. But one thing I noticed was Sadie was not eating. One thing about Sadie....she loves to eat. I thought maybe her stomach was still upset, but she kept pacing the apartment. After about 30 minutes of pacing I fed Sophie and put Sadie's food back down. Well, both dogs went to the others' bowl and started eating. All seemed fine.
I then decided to take Sadie for a walk and as we walked out the door she took off. Now Sadie is 75lbs of muscle. She pulled me so hard that my other hand pulled the front door shut. Thankfully that stopped her otherwise she would have been gone. And can you imagine me losing my boss' dog???? Yea, me either. To say the least it scared the shit out of me. Once I got her settled down we started out walk. She was out of control. I could not keep control of her and almost lost her 3 times. I literally had to hold her collar and drag her back to the apartment. When I got inside I thought, "How in the hell can I walk this dog for the next couple of days?"
My boss always walks Sadie on a Gentle Leader. When I got Sadie back to my house last week I couldn't figure out how to get it on her. So I just started walking her on Sophie's leash. All was fine until tonight. I quickly did a search on how to put on a gentle leader. Thankfully I got it figured out and she is a lot calmer on the walks now.
But I have no idea what got into her. She seems very nervous and upset. I am wondering if she just realized that she is here for a while and she is pissed about it. I just pray that the next couple of days she remains calm because when she is calm, I am calm.
My boss sent me a TXT message today saying that her aunt passed away. Her aunt had been sick for a while and the family was told she probably wouldn't make it to the end of the week. So please keep my boss in your prayers. Her aunt lived in Arizona, so it looks like M may be driving to Arizona for the funeral. That means Sadie will probably be with me through the weekend.
So tonight I pray for my boss and her family and I pray for Sadie to calm down and not be so nervous.
I have been doing a lot of thinking about where I was last year at this time. If you go back and read this post you will see the absolute desperation in my writings. I remember sitting at home that first night after she went back to Shreveport to be with her. I literally felt like my heart was being pulled out of my chest and there was nothing I could do.
I am very happy with the progress I have made in the past year. My life is so completely different, but it is so much better in all areas. Yes I may not have my 3 bedroom house anymore, but the home that I have now is warm and cozy and truly feels like home. My house had gotten to the point where it felt big and cold. I don't ever want to live somewhere that does not have that warm and cozy feeling. My brother brought up that karma is a bitch and that is why I am now living in such a small place. Well, the truth is I am thrilled to be making my life more simple. I think sometimes it's easy to get all caught up in material things and we forget what life is really about.
When I was with Laura we always had more then enough money. I recently found an old ATM slip from the summer of 2006. Our account balance was close to $8,000, but thinking back on that time I was not happy and I didn't know why. I think I was pretending to be happy, but in reality I was far from happy and content. I think the lesson that I have learned this past year is that money does not buy happiness. I also learned that it's OK not to have the newest and best things and I don't have to keep up with the Jones'. I think that is one thing that bothered me about Laura...it was always about money for her. She moves from one relationship (aka bank account) to another with no regards for that person. I forgive her for all that happened and hope that one days she realizes that true happiness has nothing to do with money.
The point of this post? I think part of it to show myself that you guys were correct when you told me that I was going to be alright. I remember reading all your comments a year ago thinking you guys were crazy because I just knew that I was not going to be OK. And look at me a year later...I am not only better, but I am a better and happier person.
P.S. Don't forget to send me your cards. I have received a couple of them and love what you guys are saying. My collage is going to be so cool and so inspirational.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Lynilu and I had lunch with my best friend. The last time the two of them had seen each other was in 2002 at my graduation party when I got my masters. Lynilu was very sweet and thanked my friend for taking care of me this past year. But really, I don't think I could have made it through this past year without Lynilu either. I think back to a year ago when I called Lynilu and told her I needed to come visit and I was leaving the next day. She had no hesitation in allowing me to come visit. She then put up with 5 days of someone feeling really sorry for herself and thinking her life was over.
While I was visiting Lynilu I had decided on my second day that the best thing to do was get Sophie home and then kill myself. I was not honest with Lynilu because I didn't want her to try to stop me. There have been several times where I have thought seriously about suicide, but this was the first time that I had a plan and a way to carry out that plan. I also had no fear about dying. Thankfully Laura picked up on something I said and called Lynilu. I know Lynilu was really disappointed in me and the fact that I was not honest with her. Looking back I am glad Laura called Lynilu, although I was mad at her at the time for saying something. I promised Lynilu that I would drive home and get some help. Two days after I got home I got the help that I needed.
I am grateful to have Lynilu as my friend as well as my guardian angel. She has been there for me when so many others have turned their back on me.
So, as you read this Lynlu know that I am thankful for all you have done for me. You have been such a loyal and trusting friend and I will forever be grateful for you. I love you my friend.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Tomorrow we are going to drive around so Lynilu can see how the town has changed. I am also going to show her where I work, etc. We are then going to meet one of my really good friends for lunch. We are going to our favorite Mexican restaurant and it just so happens that my co-worker L works there on the weekends. So, I am excited for Lynilu to meet one of my co-workers that I talk so much about.
Before Lynilu arrived I looked and looked (and looked some more) for the piece of paper that had my password for my wireless system. I couldn't find it anywhere. After a quick call to the Geek Squad they were able to provide me with my password and Lynilu was finally able to access the Internet. In my opinion...she has a serious addiction to blogs. I am thinking an intervention may be her only hope. :)
Friday, March 14, 2008
My boss' boyfriend brought Sadie up to work so I could bring her home. We had a small scare when Sadie jumped out of the car without her leash on and went running in the parking lot. My offie is on a very busy corner of downtown Kansas City and there was even more traffic because there is a little basketball tournament going on just blocks away. Sadie got scared with all of us yelling and running after her that she ran back to the car and jumped in. I think she was just so excited to see me. :)
When I opened the door Sophie let out one bark and then I think she remembered Sadie and stopped. It's so cute to see the two of them together. It's as if they are old friends and just picked up where they left off.
My Sophie does not like to cuddle at night. She prefers the floor or her bed. Although since we have moved, I have found her on the couch a few nights. Well, Sadie loves to sleep with me and cuddles right next to me. I love it.
I got my first card today. Thank you so much Traci. I look forward to getting more in the mail. I am going to wait another month to put the collage together so if you are wanting to send one to me you still have a little bit of time. Again, thank you all for taking the time to create these cards for me.
Lynilu is coming to town tomorrow. I can't wait to see her and just sit down and visit. We'll be sure to take pictures of all the dogs together. I still can't believe we are going to have 4 dogs, 2 humans and 2 cats in such a small space. I guess I will get a glimpse of what it was like on Little House on the Prairie. :)
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Do I need to worry or take her to the vet?
From the day I was born my brother has been jealous of me. I didn't even have to do anything and he would be jealous of me. I remember as a child he was always so mean to me and I never understood his hatred for me. For many years he used me as his own personal punching bag and did whatever he wanted to me. For so long I was very angry with him (and my parents) because I knew that I did not deserve that kind of treatment and still don't. But back then I didn't know how to stand up for myself. I would just take the abuse (physical and sexual) and not say a word. For some reason I felt that I deserved the abuse. Thankfully I have learned that I did not deserve it and my brother has some major problems.
The older I got the more I tried to forgive my brother. When he had his first son I put all the hard feelings I had for him to the side. I wanted a relationship with my nephew and I was willing to put my feelings aside for that. I think I even got to the point where I was OK with my brother and didn't mind hanging out with him. But something in my head told me it was just temporary.
When I came out to my parents in 2004 my brother was fine with me being gay. He never really had a problem with it and that was OK with me. One thing that kind of surprised me was when his current wife explained why I was not allowed in the delivery room when she had their second son: "I was afraid you were going to be looking at my crotch". That thought is so sad it's funny. Really shows you how stupid some people are.
My brother started having problems with me when he was back living with my parents again (as well as his wife and two kids) and I was insisting he pay me for his phone bill. (long story) Since my parents were not talking to me and he was so dependant upon them for everything he decided he was mad at me as well. I think it's sad that my family gets angry at me when I stand up for myself. Isn't that what parents want for their kids? I know if I ever had a child I would hope that they would be able to stand up for themselves. As you can see my family does this a little differently. They prefer their kids to be totally dependant upon them.
I feel sorry for my brother because he lives in this world that is made up of all lies. And the sad thing is he believes those lies. I have never trusted my brother and probably never will. He has stolen from me, hit me, sexually abused me and just made most of my childhood miserable. I hope one day he will see how his actions affect those around him. But I won't hold my breathe on it.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
As you can see, Sophie is getting more exercise then before. Tonight when we were almost done with our walk I stopped to take some pictures and I thought she was going to fall asleep standing up.
I think Sophie thinks this was put in for her. She always prefers to walk down this instead of the stairs.
Winds of Change. Today it was 77 and now they are calling for more winter like weather tomorrow and through the weekend. The weather during March is always like a yo-yo.
But as you can see, Spring will be here before we know it. That means I will be complaining about the heat for the next six months. (don't say I didn't warn you)
Here's a little bit of trivia I heard on the news tonight. It will be another 150 years until St. Patrick's Day, Easter and the first day of Spring are all in the same week like they are this year.
When my Grandmother passed away in November 1996 the house was given to my Mom and Aunt. They held onto the house for another year before deciding to sell it. My ex husband and I were really interested in the house and decided to buy it. Because we were both in school the bank was not going to lend us the full amount. My Mom then stepped in and said that she really wanted us to have the house and told us the amount she would get from the sale of the house we could take off the price of the house. There was nothing said about us paying her back because she wanted us to have the house and said this was a gift. It wasn't until I came out to my parents in 2004 that suddenly my Mom thinks I owe her $25,000. If that were the case, technically I would only owe her half since my ex husband and I bought the house together. I think it's funny how none of this was brought up before I was gay.
When I graduated in 2002 with my masters degree my parents bought me a car. They paid somewhere around $12,000 for the car. It was a gift and I never was told to make a payment. When I came out to my parents in 2004 I suddenly owed them for the car as well. But my Dad said I owed them $15,000 for the car. I asked why they thought I needed to pay them $3,000 more then they originally paid for the car. His answer: I added interest. To me that pretty much summed up my relationship with them: it was and has always been about money.
My parents have always been able to use guilt with me to get what they want. Well, they can no longer use that I think that really upsets them. I have always deleted the comments from my brother because he seems to think it's OK to put my business out there with no regard. So now that it's all out there, I wonder what he will say now.
It's sad when your parents put a dollar amount on their relationship with you. A few years ago I emailed my Mom and asked her if she would like to have lunch to discuss our problems. Her email back to me said, "Only if you bring your checkbook." That email made it crystal clear to me that if I want any kind of relationship with my parents, their going rate is $40,000. That is very sad in my eyes.
My brother is a pathological liar. If his lips are moving, he is lying. I found his Myspace page and I was laughing my ass off. He said he graduated from high school and college. Yea, right. The funny thing is, I have the yearbook from the year he said he graduated and what a surprise to see his picture not in there. He also made it sound like he has a house at the Lake of the Ozarks, many boats and a recording studio. All of it is lies. I know he still depends on my parents to help with his rent, bills and raising his 4 sons. But reading all he said did give me a good laugh.
1. I had a good run, but it seems that I have finally caught the nasty cold that is going around. I don't feel that bad (yet), but I know before long I will be feeling like total crap. And this couldn't come at a worse time since Lynilu is coming to visit in two days. Agh.
2. My brother found my blog. He googled my name and left a nasty comment on my last post. I am soooooooo fucking mad that he has found me again. I really don't know what to do do. Why can't he just leave me the fuck alone?? He commented about how karma is a bitch and that is why I am living in such a small apartment, etc. I don't want to change blog names and I don't want to go private, so I think I am going to do comment moderation for a while. What a little prick.
Good thing is, it's only 6:30am and I have plenty of time to make this a great day.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
I have also seen several witnesses on the streets and I usually stop and say something to them. They always have the same answer and you can tell they have rehearsed a lot. And the thing I hate is the fake smiles they have on their face. How do I know they are fake? Because for 30 years I put on a fake smile and pretended to the world that I was happy and my life was perfect because I was a Jehovah's Witness. Gah. My best friend described the witnesses perfectly: well-dressed robots.
Yesterday when I got home there was a JW brochure in my door. I can't believe I have only been here for 2 weeks and they have already found me. I look forward to the day when I am here and they knock on my door. I will be sure to show them, as my neighbor says, my "No JW sign".
I will then invite them in to see my Rainbow flag that hangs on my wall. I wonder if I could win $10K from America's Funniest Home Videos if I got their reaction on camera?
It is amazing the amount of brainwashing the witnesses do. And "deprogramming" is one of the hardest thing I have tried to do. I still struggle on a daily basis and wonder if I will ever be free of all their teachings.
The JW's continue to tell me that what I am doing is wrong and I will never have God's blessing. And the sad thing is; sometimes I wonder if they are right. I look forward to the day when that little bit of doubt is gone.
Monday, March 10, 2008
Sophie has decided that the only place she will go poop is at the top of this hill. As we were walking up there this morning I looked to the east and saw the most beautiful sunrise. The only thing that would have made it more perfect is if I had my camera with me. I am hoping it's clear tomorrow morning so I can see another sunrise. As you can see, it really is the small things that make me happy.
Thank you to all of you that said you would put together a card for me. If you don't have a 4x6 index card, you can create one on your own. I am just wanting to keep them to that size so I can put them in a collage together. And feel free to steal my idea. There are several of you that I already know what word I would use. Here is my address again:
10011 Bennington Avenue
Kansas City, MO 64134
So this weekend Lynilu is coming to visit. I am so excited to see her. I am also going to be watching my boss' dog, Sadie. So for 2 days there will be 2 humans, 4 dogs (2 over 50lbs), 2 cats and a one eyed fish in 486 square feet. And my neighbors thought I was going to be quiet....HA!
Speaking of Lynilu...how many of you want to hear the story of when Laura and I played truth or dare with Lynilu and someone ended up running around the outside of the house with no top on??
Sunday, March 09, 2008
I remember every detail of that weekend and for many months afterwards, those details haunted me. When I realized she was on her way to see another woman I was in shock; literally. And I had no idea what to do. I have never been so scared in my life.
A few months later I realized that I could sit here and feel sorry for myself or I could turn it around and make something good out of a horrible situation. With the help of so many of you, I decided I was worth it and I started fighting for myself.
I have learned more in the last year then I have my entire life. I learned that I should never have to change for someone that loves me. I had spent my entire life trying to makes others happy; even if that meant giving up what I wanted. Someone that loves me will accept everything about me; the good, bad, ugly and dark.
For the first time in my life I know what I want my future relationship to be like. And I know that I don't have to just settle. I have learned that it's OK not to be in a relationship. I would rather be single and happy then in a relationship with someone that does not love all of me.
I really feel that God gave me another chance at life. I was living a life where I didn't appreciate things or those that were in my life.
So today I celebrate my second chance. And I want to do something to mark this day. So I am going to ask you guys a favor. Thanks to Jolene, I got a great idea as to how I can mark this day with those that have helped me the most. I want to know how you guys see me. So, on a 4X6 index card please write/design one word that you would use to describe me. I am then going to put them all together on a collage, frame it and put it up in my home. Looking at all of your words will inspire me on a daily basis. Please put your index card in an envelope and mail to:
10011 Bennington Avenue
Kansas City, MO 64134
(this is my old address, but all mail will be forwarded to my new address)
You can sign your name or you can remain anonymous. I am wanting to put the collage together in a few weeks, so it would be wonderful if I had all the cards by April 15.
Thank you all for being there along this journey. I thank each of you for your love, support and endless words of encouragement.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
My meds were switched on Thursday and I think I am experiencing a "hiccup" in feeling good. I was switched to Celexa because Lexapro is so damn expensive; even with insurance. I was told that Celexa is pretty much the same as Lexapro, but I think that it's different enough that I am noticing the change. I am hoping that in a couple weeks I will start to feel the full effects again. For two months I was feeling wonderful and then yesterday it seems I hit a small wall, or as I call it a hiccup. I started feeling down and for the first time in two months I was feeling anxious. I just realized that I also got a visit from my monthly friend and even with the Lexapro I would get a little down around that time. I am hoping that is it and by Monday I am feeling better.
I am nowhere close to how down I was before the medication, but I still notice the difference.
But there is no way I can feel down for long because Lynilu is coming to visit next weekend. I can not wait!!!!! It's been a year since I have seen her and the last time I saw her my eyes were swollen from crying and I was a complete mess. It will be great to visit with her, go to our favorite Mexican restaurant and just hang out. So...how many of you are jealous that Lynilu is coming to visit ME??? :)
Thursday, March 06, 2008
I am walking Sophie a good 1 1/2 hours a day. We go on a 30 minute walk before I go to work, then another 30 minute walk when I get home. Throughout the evening we go on small walks and then about a 15 minute walk before we go to bed. The walks are doing both me and Sophie a lot of good. Sophie loves walks and she looks so happy when we are walking. And I am loving being out in the cool air. Most mornings it's in the 20's or 30's and I feel more awake when I leave in the morning.
Most evenings Sophie is sound asleep. I am hoping that all this exercise will help both of us to lose those extra pounds we gained this winter.
The cats are doing wonderful. I never had any concerns about Bonk because she acts like this has always been our home. Ben is walking around more and even finding new sleeping places:
As soon as I get home in the evening Ben comes out from behind the couch, says HI to me and then goes to sleep under the covers. I think he feels safe there, which is wonderful considering I had problems with him and the bed before we moved.
The last couple of nights I woke up and found Ben peeking out the door in the bedroom. I think it's so cute that he will only do this at night. I think he is working up the courage to look out during the day.
This weekend is kind of a celebration for me. Most might look at what happened a year ago devastating, but I found it to be something to celebrate instead. Be sure to check out my special post sometime this weekend.
Wednesday, March 05, 2008
It has been an interesting day to say the least. One of my co-workers N was having some trouble with the paper shredder. I stood in the copy room with him trying to get it to work when all of a sudden there was a huge flame of fire that came out of the shredder and onto N's face. Here is a picture of him at lunch:
As you can see all of his hair in the front was burned and he now has highlights. He said he was afraid to touch it until he got home because he didn't know how much hair would fall out. It really was one of the funniest things I have ever seen. I am sure I would feel differently if it happened to me. N has actually been a good sport about it and laughed with us while we are laughing at him. He did go to the doctor to be checked out because his nose and throat were burning, but he is OK. Although the Doctor did say that it was a very interesting story.
Someone did send him an email with this picture:
LOL. N really is being a good sport about the whole thing. At the end of the year we have an award for the biggest blooper and we decided that N is definitely going to get one.
The one thing that I can always count on at work is laughing. I did tell N that if we had gotten this on film we would probably win $10K from America's Funniest Home Videos. I asked if he would repeat what happened and he looked at me like I was crazy.
Monday, March 03, 2008
I decided to get a carport because they are only $10/month. The one that was assigned to me was the closest one, but it is on a hill and right by the sewer drain. Last night when it was raining I noticed that it was a slow moving drain and by 10pm the water was to my wheels. Because it was on a hill I could just see it flooding and backing up to my muffler. So this morning I went in to say that my mailbox key isn't working and to ask if I could change carports. Luckily they gave me one on the other side and I am thrilled because it's on flat ground. They said that drain had never flooded, but I don't want to take any chances. I still don't have a mailbox key though. Hopefully I can get one tomorrow so I can see if I have any mail. :)
So I can't figure out my heating/cooling system. When the heat is on you can adjust the temp, but it doesn't seem to be working. When I try to turn down the temp it just stay on HOT. So I have been having to have the heat on for a while and then turn it off. I was a little worried about the system because when I first saw it I didn't know how it would heat my whole apartment. But boy it works well. I actually turn it off at night because it would just get too hot.
I was horrible today about checking my work email. One of my co-workers wrote me back and said, "Why are you working remotely? STOP. You should be watching Little House". I wish my boss had never showed me how to check my email from home.
OK, I am going to watch the Babara Walters special on the Royal Family. I find them so interesting and this program tonight looks fascinating.
I just checked my work email and there was an email from one of my co-workers saying that it was such a dreary day because my smile was not there and I just got a call from one of my techs who just wanted to see how the move went and if I was settled. Oh, and earlier this afternoon my boss called to see if the babies and I were all settled. I guess I really am missed when I am not there. Do you see why I love my job so much?
Sunday, March 02, 2008
As you can see from this picture, Ben is exhausted. I am sure he hasn't really slept in almost 2 days. In this picture he can barely keep his eyes open.
In other news:
I am officially on "poop watch 2008". Sophie is very particular where she poops. When Laura and I went to Florida in 2006 Sophie held it for 6 days. Yea, she is kind of set in her ways. I think what bothers her the most is she wants privacy. Well, she can't really have privacy when I am right there with her. We went for a 20 minute walk tonight (in the rain) and I kept thinking she was about to go to the bathroom, but nothing happened. The only thing we accomplished was getting wet and cold. I will know she has adjusted completely to the move when she poops.
And because I couldn't post a picture of the other two without one of her:
I love this cat so much.
I just noticed a theme in all the pictures. Everyone is exhausted; me included. Hopefully we'll all be able to sleep in tomorrow.
Poop Watch 2008 is officially over! I am not sure who is more relieved: Me or Sophie.
Here are some pictures:
Third time is a charm. Something tells me I have taken a picture just like this. :)
"I will not get in the kennel"
I love this picture of Bonk. She checked every since box to make sure it was completely empty.
I am standing at my front door and this shows how close the pool, workout room and laundry room.
Here is my front door. I thought the apartment was going to be darker, but this window actually lets a lot of light in. Today the temps are in the 60s, so I also have the front door open. Sophie is enjoying looking out the screen door.
I am standing in the bedroom looking at the living room. Notice Sophie's new toy? Because she has been so good I bought her a treat today.
And here is my kitchen. I have 3 cabinets above the sink/stove. Thank goodness I am not all into the cooking thing. :)
Other side of the kitchen. I don't even have enough counter space for my microwave. I still have some organizing to do and don't want my kitchen this cluttered.
I am standing at my front door looking into the bedroom. The cable outlet is on the left side of this picture and Time Warner wasn't sure if they could get it hooked up yesterday. Thankfully they fished the wire under the carpet and my weekend was saved.
Bedroom. I love that I have a door in the bedroom, but I doubt I will ever use it. I really can't open it with the bed right there.
Walk-in closet. I still have a lot of boxes to go through, so hopefully in a few weeks there will be less boxes in here.
And now for something that I have not had in my house in the last 10 years:
When I moved into my house ten years ago there was no toilet paper holder. And for some reason I never installed one; even after the bathroom was remolded. My Dad always said that I had a learning disability when it came to changing the toilet paper roll. I guess I will see if he is actually right.
After reading Sandra's post for today, I am going to work hard at making my home more Feng Shui in terms of love and romance. I had heard of a couple of the things she talks about and I am willing to give it a shot.
Right now the temperature is in the 60s, but we have a cold front heading in and this cold front means business. We are suppose to get strong t-storms this afternoon and tonight and by tomorrow morning we will have 2-4 inches of snow. I am not sure what is better: Having tomorrow and Tuesday off or the fact that we might get more snow.