Monday, March 19, 2007

Evening

I am so lonely right now. I feel like there is something I should be doing, but I can't find anything to do. I have never felt so helpless in my life.

I miss Laura. I miss her so much. I just want her to come back so we can start fresh.

I don't know how I am going to get through the next 10 days. I have so many friends out there, but I have never felt so alone in my life.

Yesterday I was thinking that I just want my Mom. I just want someone that will take me in their arms and tell me that everything will be OK. It is so hard to find that reassurance in myself right now. A part of me knows that everything will be OK, but I still just need to feel the comfort of another human being right now.

I have talked to God more in the past week then I have in the past year. I feel bad about that. I feel that I should have been thanking God more when things were good. I wonder if he will actually hear my prayers. I hope He does because I need Him more then anything right now.

Everything is so overwhelming right now. I wonder how much longer I can hang on.

7 comments:

Goodbye Blue Monday said...

Hi, Caroline. You don't know me but you may have spoken with NSP about me - I'm the former Mormon who's dating NSP's ex.

I'm so sorry for the incredible pain you're feeling. I wish I could be there, even as a stranger, to hear what you need to say, cry, scream right now, and to have someone physically near you to witness the darkness you're in and keep you from getting sucked under. I'm also sorry that your family is not there to serve that purpose, since that's what family is for, but I know where you're coming from there, though my family situation is not as extreme as yours. It must feel bitterly hurtful and I wish I could somehow help.

You had it just right in your last blog about taking care of yourself and making yourself your highest priority. It's the most important thing right now, no matter what happens with Laura, no matter about anything. It's so, so hard for me to remember that, having grown up in a culture where taking care of yourself is equated with sin, because it's selfish, self-important and not charitable enough. But you know what? YOU are the one who's important here, the one who needs care, and you're the only one who can know what's best for you.

It can't really mean much from me but -
It IS going to be okay and
Please hang on. You can, you're stronger than you allow for. Even when you feel as weak as you do now, you're full of crazy amazing female gay intelligent loving faithful human strength.

yankeegirl said...

Caroline,
Thinking of you. Hang in there! (HUGS)

Casey said...

Oh hon...I'm so sorry. I, too, often find myself wanting my mom when I am in a crisis (or sick). It's hard when they aren't there to give us comfort. Hang in there- you WILL make it through this. I promise.
Hugs.

Kathryn said...

You ARE going to be okay, that I promise you. There is always sunshine after the rain, and although the pain that you are now experiencing is so great, I promise you someday you will look back at all of this as an experience that you were able to navigate through.

You will be okay. You will be okay.

Shannon said...

Thinking of you, Caroline. You're very strong and you can make it through this. Take care of yourself.

Monogram Queen said...

Honey God understands, I am sure. I wish you had someone there physically for you right now.

Ragged Around the Edges said...

You will hang on and you will be ok. It sure doesn't feel like it, does it? But you will. And you will be stronger for it. And you will be more courageous than you ever imagined. Take it day by day; nothing more, nothing less.