Friday, September 30, 2005


This morning as I was on my way to work I did my usual stop at QT. (for those who don't know what QT is, it's like a 7-11) I went to the fountain area to get my morning Coke. There were these three people standing in front of it just talking. One of them was getting their drink, but the other two were just standing there. I stood there patiently and they finally moved. Then when I was trying to make my way to the register they were just standing in the middle of the aisle, talking. Again I patiently waited for them to move. (I must add that one of them was a veyr big person, so simply saying "excuse me" and moving past them would not have worked) So I finally get up to the register and they are in front of me. As I am waiting my turn I notice that they pick up something from the rack and put it on the counter. The cashier then rings them up and they put another thing on the counter, behind one of their drinks. Obviously they put it there so he would not notice. Then when they are done they pick up their items and walk out the door. The cashiers at QT are very busy and are usually ringing up people in two different lanes. I noticed in these people that they were purposely trying to get something for free. And that just really pisses me off!!!! And people wonder why the prices for everything is going up. It because there are ignorant people out there stealing right before our eyes. They don't even try to hide it anymore.

My point...We have a whole generation of people growing up with the Entitlement view on things. They feel they are entitled to things no matter what. People feel that society owes them something. Society doesn't owe anyone anything!!! People may say, "they just have high self-esteem." Self-esteem is something you gain over time and it's something you earn. When you have the entitlement view, you have not done anything. You feel that you should be treated a certain way or be given certain things just because. As a social worker I see the entitlement view everyday. People come in here feeling they are entitled to do what they want. It doesn't matter if it's against the law. "Who is it hurting???", they ask so many times. It's hurting YOU.

We came into this world with nothing. We shouldn't act like we came into this world with everything and yell and scream because we don't have anything. In life you have to earn certain things. Things are just don't handed down to you. And if they are you are missing a lot of life and some of the most important lessons.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Blast from the Past

Today I recieved an email from my ex-sister-in-law Jenn. She was married to my ex-husbands older brother. It was good hearing from her. She informed me that James, my ex-husband, is back living with his parents and working for their company. I am not surprised. James was never motivated to do anything. Well, he was motivated to "chat" on the computer. But that was about it. He was a grown man with child like dreams. I guess he was safe for me at that time in my life. He was very indecisive and it was like pulling teeth to get him to make a decision.

Thinking back on our time together I should have known it was not going to work out. From day one I was not happy. I was pretending to be happy. I almost called off the wedding four months before we were going to get married because I found emails from another woman. He said there was nothing to them and I believed him. Our marriage started the same way it ended. He started up a friendship with a woman in Omaha, NE. She was also a JW and also married. I remember going to my Uncle who was an elder in the church and his exact words were, "James is the most loyal person I know." Pretty much he said what you are telling me can't be true. But it was and I felt so alone like no one believed me.

I don't wish any bad things to happen to James. I am actually sorry he is back with his parents. When you look up the word control his parents are in the definition. They are experts at control. Always have been, always will be.

Out of the Blue

Last night when I got home from work I noticed on my caller ID that my brother had called. Very surprised, yet very cautious I tried calling him back on his cell phone. He answered and he either pretended like he couldn't hear me or my cell phone wasn't working well. I tried calling him back and got his voicemail. On his voicemail he said "Hi this is Jim, Nicole, Alec, Austin and Parker." So...that means they had their baby. I think it's funny how this is how I find out they had their baby. I left a message and he never returned my call. I tried back later in the night and it went straight to his voice mail. I find that very interesting. So most of the night I was trying to figure out why he was calling me. I came up with these reasons why he would call me:

1) He needs money
2)He wants to brag about the new baby and tell me how I will never see this baby
3)My MOTHER put him up to calling to find out what's going on with me

At first when I could not get a hold of him I was very upset. I sat down on the couch and said "damn him" like my family had once again gotten my hopes up. Usually when they decide they want me in their life it only lasts a few weeks or days. This time I am not going to let them get to me. I am happy their baby was born and all seems ok, but I'm done. I don't know how many times I can say that. My family has absoutly no respect for me as a member of the family or as a person. And to brag that you now have 4 children when you can barely support yourself is not wonderful news. My parents and the state of Missouri are doing most of the supporting of my brother and his family. Since Adam and Eve you no longer get rewards for procreating.

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The Real World

Today is a completly boring day at work. It's cold and rainy. I guess all the addicts have not woke up from their parties last night. I had two assessments this morning, neither showed up. Both were court ordered, which means in about a week they will call all frantic that they have court and no assessment. Especially for the people that have not showed up for their originial appointment, I tell them "An emergency on your part does not make it an emergency on my part." They hate that. They hate having to be responsible for their actions. It's always somene else's fault, never their own.

So in my attempt to entertain myself at work I was reading MSNBC's website and came across a story on MTV's Real World. Apparently the next series is filming in Key West. Looks like we are going to have to go and see the house. I love The Real World. I started watching it in Season 2 when they were in Los Angeles. And then when they went to SF and Pedro was on it something came alive inside. I remember watching his commitement ceremony with his partner and something inside me changed. My entire life I was taught that being gay is sinful and wrong and they live an inmoral lifestyle. Watching this touching ceremony between two men changed my life. I didn't know it would take another 5 years for me to come to terms on how it changed my life. When I was in SF in late 1994 I went by the house they were in. They had finished taping and the word had just gotten out that Pedro had died. It was sad. Around the same time HBO had a special about gay rights. There was this one scene where this couple were walking with their young daughter. I remember crying, but now knowing why I was crying. Looking back I think I was crying because a small part of me was realizing that I can be gay and have children. I never knew it was an option. It's weird thinking it's been ten years since all of this. It seems just like yesterday.

Another connection I have to the Real World...Dan from the Miami Real World went to my middle school and high school. And we dated during the 7th grade. We "went together" for an entire year. Dan even came to my college when I was getting my bachelors and did a presentation for our class on gays/lesbians. I was going to a Catholic College, so the sparks flew. Even the custodian that night got involved with his views. It was amazing.

That's all for now..

The Amazing Race

Last night The Amazing Race started it's 8th season. I am thrilled about it. It is one of the greatest shows. You watch as teams of two race all around the world and whoever gets to the finish line first wins a million dollars. It's funny watching some of these people try to make their way through different countries when most of them have probably never been outside of the US. Well, this season is different. It's families competing. There are 10 teams of 4 people. There are two groups with young children. I mean like 7 or 8 years old. Well, these kids are hysterical. And it really surprised the adults when they ran faster then them. The other difference is they are staying in the US. I think it's neat because we are going to see all these different locations in the US.

If you haven't watched it, watch it next Tuesday. It's interesting to see how some people react under pressure.

Tuesday, September 27, 2005

The Holidays

Last weekend we put up our Halloween decorations. I just love celebrating the holidays. Growing up as a Jehovah's Witness I did not have the chance to really get into the holidays. Last year was the first time that I really celebrated them, and I loved it. It was great. The first holiday that I celebrated was Halloween. I had never carved pumpkins before and I did that for the first time last year. It took longer then what I thought, but they turned out great. The only thing was we got a lot of rain after we carved them and a few days after halloween they were rotten. We got a thing for the yard called "Marcus the Carcus". it's a skelton that just has a head, two hands and two feet. It looks like it's coming up from the ground and it lights up. So this year we also got lights for the walkway that are pumpkins.

Last Christmas I put up a Christmas tree for the first time. And I really got into decorating. It was the most amazing holiday season of my life. I remember Christmas morning getting up and going downstairs to open our gifts. It was so much fun. It was a day I will not soon forget. Even the pets were excited because we had gotten them gifts. We had set out Sophie's (the dog) right in front of the tree and when we got up she went running down and went straight for her gift. It was as if she knew it was for her.

So, let the holiday season begin. This year I am no longer a beginner at this. I can't wait!!!!

Monday, September 26, 2005

The Gift of Children

Ok, I need to vent a little bit. I am a substance abuse counselor. I wear many hats during the day. I do drug/alcohol assessment that have been ordered by the court (DUI, possession, and Family services) and then also take many calls from individuals that are seeking treatment or from family members that have a family member that needs treatment. So, when my phone rings, I never know who is going to be on the other line.

So on Friday night I am sitting and watching the local news and see a story about a woman that is charged with felony child abuse charges. Next thing I know I see a client's mug shot on the tv. WOW!! See this client was referred by family court because her kids were taken away when her daughter turned up at the hospital for a broken pelvis. (her daughter is 4) Most people that have their kids taken into the states custody have to have an assessment. This client was very angry at the time of the interview saying, "I don't know what happened to her. Her legs just started hurting." When this client came in I knew she was bullshitting me the entire time. But what can you do. YOu can't force the truth out of someone. And then she shows up on tv because she has been charged with pushing her daughter to the floor and breaking her pelvis.

So there are some people that feel gays should not be able to adopt or have children. Who's protecting the children from the parents that kick their children around. And I bet 99.9% are heterosexual. Huh..does that make sense. This client of mine is someone that has no respect for the gift she has been given. She was given the gift to create another human being. And what does she do with that gift??? She pushes her so hard to the floor that the little girls pelvis breaks. I can't even imagine how that would have hurt.

There was another case in KC about horrible abuse from parents. Two parents that were high on crack and the father kicked the little girl in the head. They left her there for 3 days while she died. Then to cover up what they did, they decapatated her and just tossed her in the woods. Can you imagine those 3 days the little girl was just laying there are her parents are just stepping over her. I pray that she was not conscious and that angels were all around her. Who would this little girl been better with? A drug addicted mother and father that only wanted her around to collect the welfare check, or a loving, heathly gay couple. The answer is easier then you think.

Fall TV

So, the reruns have finally stopped and the new shows are on. Thank God because I was tired of reruns. Here are some of my favorite new and returning shows:

Cold Case--this is one of those brillant shows. You never know "whodunit" until the very end. I have tried many times to guess, but I am always wrong. And I love how the show is set around music from that time. It's just one of those great shows.

Extreme Makeover:Home Edition--I love this show. It just amazes me how they can build a house in 7 days from the ground up. Last night was the season premiere. It was great seeing a solider and his family get a new house. And they put in a 600 gallon acquariam. It was awesome. It was actually used as a wall to seperate one room from another. It never fails..I cry every time.

Surface-- This was a new show that came on last Monday. It's about these sea creatures that have come alive in the water and are attacking. It was pretty good. Not bad for a Monday night.

Super Nanny-- Ok, I don't have kids and often when I am watching this program I rethink having kids, but it's such a good show. I love Nanny Jo. She is great and I don't think I could handle the kids she tries to tame. And I love her English accent.

Wife Swap-- Another one of those shows where anything can happen. Last week the two Mothers got into a fist fight. It was great. I don't know how the producers do it, but they find two families that are completly different in every aspect and they have the wives switch places for two weeks. It gets good sometimes.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Since Laura and I have been together I have learned several very important lessons.

1) Dollar General is a great place to buy things. Before her I had never been in a Dollar General. They have name brand stuff and it's cheap!!!!! There are certain things we buy that it doesn't matter if it's name brand or not. Like toilet paper. It's so cheap at DG. Napkins, paper towels, etc. It's a whole new world in there.

2) Coupons are a wonderful thing. I don't remember my parents using coupons when I was growing up. My Dad would use them for the cat food or liter, but that's about it. Well, I have discovered coupons. It's amazing how much you can save from them. We usually do our grocery list from our list of coupons.

3) Paying yourself first. This was a concept that I had always heard about and wanted to get started doing this. Laura and I started this about 6 months ago and it has worked out wonderful. It just makes sense to pay yourself first. Because of this concept that we have adopted, we are able to travel, etc.

Just a few money lessons I have learned over the past few years. If you have never been in a Dollar General store, RUN as fast as you can. You will love it.

Have a good weekend..

Love & Respect

So, I continue to study for my Kansas Social Work license. I scheduled the test for Oct. 18. I was going to tak it on Oct.11 because 11 is my lucky number, but I decided to give myself one more week of studying. I am feeling more prepared this time around. I still can't believe I missed it last time by 2 points.

So I emailed my Mother this blog, but she never responded. I know my Mother and I know that she can't resist to see what I am saying. I sometimes wonder what she is thinking about me, and how she can think such things. The only thing that has changed about who I am is that I am more indepedent and stronger as a person. My parents loved it when I was a meek, passive person. They loved having control over me and what I did and thought. Even after I moved out they were still telling me what they thought I should be doing. Whenever I would go to their house and I would have a pop, they would say, "is that diet?". Like it's any of their business. I have such a poor relationship with food because they taught me that. My Mother had a weight problem from as long as I can remember. When I was 25 or 26 she lost a lot of weight and looked wonderful. But since she did that it seemed that she became the expert on weight loss and how I should do things. Maybe I turned to food for comfort because I did not get the comfort I needed from them. My Father has always been emotinally unavailable. Very rarely did I feel that he was genuinely proud of me and who I was. I always felt I was not good enough for him and his standards. Turns out I guess I was right, at least in his eyes. I remember when I was just 13 or 14 and him making an "oink" sound at me while I was eating. I thought I was so fat. Looking back at those pictures, I was no where near fat. I hate him for putting that thought in my head. It's a thought that never leaves my head now. I could be 90 pounds and I would still feel I was fat.

In just the year and a half that I have known Laura, this is what she has taught me...
1)I am a beautiful person; inside and out
2)I am a good person
3)I am worthly of love
4)I am worthly of respect

My parents had 30 years to teach me that and they chose to teach me all the negative things about myself. In just 18 months Laura has taught me all of this about myself. Laura loves me and more importantly she respects me.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

The "LIST"

You know, we all have these lists. Laura and I were talking last night about our "lists". It's the list of who you are allowed to sleep with if the opportuntiy came about. I have 3 on my list, and here they are:

1) Faith Hill--First of all she is beautiful. And all the interviews I have seen with her she seems so "normal". The only time she would come off my list is if she cut her hair again. I hated her hair short. It is adorable in her latest video.

2) Jessica Simpson--I know she comes across as a "dumb blonde", but did you see her video for the song from the Dukes of Hazzard? OH MY GOD!!!! Enough said....

3) Oprah--She is such a strong, confident woman and she is very pretty. I loved her when she was overweight and I love her now. One of the greatest women alive today.

Who's on your list...??

Update on Ben & JetBlue landing

Well, I just got back from taking Ben to the vet. The did say that two of his back nails were torn out completly by the recliner. All I can say is ouch!!! My poor baby. This morning when I put him in the kennel to go to the vet he snuck out. I thought..shit I am never going to get him back in. Well, I was able to get him in there and we were off to the vet. He let me know all the way to the vet how angry he was at me and how much he hated riding in the car. The vet said that he didn't know if the claws would come back or not. They gave him a shot with pain medicine and antibotics. Plus, he needs antibotics for 10 days. And it's in pill form. Giving pills to cats are like trying to give them a bath. They hate it!! When Sophie-Cat got sick last winter I learned real fast how to give a cat a pill. They gave us this thing that is a pill shooter. It helps so they don't bite you. Tonight will be the first time I give it to him. Let's hope it goes ok. On the way home he talked the whole way. Again he was still not happy. When we got home and I carried him inside he got real quiet. When I opened the kennel he came out very slowly, but when he realized he was actually home, he ran. I hope he will come out tonight and not hate me too much.

Did anyone see the plane that landed in Los Angles last night. Laura and I watched it live. It was amazing. As we were watching it, my heart was racing. We both started cheering when they landed safely. It was cool. The hands of God came down and brought that plane to safety last night. It was an amazing thing to see.

Wednesday, September 21, 2005


Last Friday right before I went home Laura called me and said something had happened to Ben, our "baby" cat. She said that she sat down on the couch and pulled the lever for the recliner and it didn't lift up right away and she heard a weird sound. Ben then went running out from underneath the couch with a little bit of a limp. When I got home we couldn't find him anywhere. We looked in every single corner of the house and every closet, but no Ben. I was worried that he was injured and hiding. Well, we went out to dinner and when we got home he was sitting in the kitchen. He seemed fine. Just a little pissed off. And he was nervous and anxious about everthing. Any little sound and he ran off. But it was good seeing him run since we thought it was his leg that was possibly hurt. Ben has always been bow legged. We noticed he has been even more so since last Friday. Well, this morning I picked him up and touched his paw on his right foot. He did not like that. When I looked more I realized he was not putting out his claws in the back on this foot. Looking further at it, it looks like the claw got cut off from the chair. The poor guy. I am needing to take him to the vet, but it has been 4 years since he has been in the car. The last time was to get "fixed". It's going to be intersting getting him in the car and to the vet. He's not going to be happy and I am not looking forward to it one bit. Say some good prayers for Ben. The next few days are going to be very stressful for him and I am sure he is going to think we hate him. :)

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Here are some pictures of our remodel of the kitchen and living room. And I couldn't resist putting this picture of Laura up. Isn't she adoreable??? She's so cute!! More to come later...

Cool Pictures

I thought these two pictures were cool. How cool would it be to have a fish tank in your office like that? I would love it. And then of course, who doesn't love dolphins.

Until we meet again

Last night I had to say goodbye to a very good friend. My next door neighbor, Glenn, is moving to Seattle. Not by choice, but because he wants to be closer to his family in his final days. Glenn has cancer and has but a few months to live.

When I moved into the house almost 8 years ago I met Glenn, for a second time. My house was my Grandparents and when my Grandma passsed away, my ex-husband and I bought the house. Glenn and his wife moved in a the late 70's and quickly became friends with my Grandparents. As a small child I would visit my Grandparents often and Glenn and Lyn remember me as a small child visiting my Grandparents. So, when I moved in as an adult, Glenn was so happy that one of Alice's grandkids had bought the house. Glenn and I quickly became friends over the fence. We would talk often about the weather, etc. We also talked a lot about my Grandparents and he shared with me the things he helped my Grandparents do. Things I was not aware of. He build the deck in the back and a ramp so my Grandfather, who was suffering from Parkisons could go out on the back deck and have his nightly beer. The ramp was built so my Grandma could get my Grandpa to the car and to church. I always felt closer to my Grandparents when visiting with Glenn and Lyn. I always felt safe knowing Glenn was home during the day and could watch the house. I will never forget one day getting a message from Glenn that simply said, "Call me and I will tell you what happened to your tree". We had a 40 year old tree just fall one day.

So, last night I went over to say my goodbyes to Glenn. It was very emotional. I kept thanking him for his friendship and help over the years and also all he did for my Grandparents. I only wish for Glenn is that his final days are filled with peace and love. My last words to him before I left was, "we will meet again."

Monday, September 19, 2005

Life is Good

It's odd because on my first post this morning I said I would not be posting as much due to me training a new employee. But I am just so angry at ELF and his post about equal rights. This will be the last time I address this, because I believe it is unheathly for me. For someone that was so supportive just one week ago, I find it hard to believe that he suddenly has a new view on homosexuals.

So, there is a hurricane headed towards the Florida Keys. Damn....we are praying and are on the edge of our seats hoping that it suddently just loses all it's engery. And I noticed there was one not too far behind Rita. On MSNBC they said they already have 17 named hurricanes for this season. The record is 21. And we still have 2 more months of hurricane season. It will be interesting to see what the next 24-48 hours brings.

Have I mentioned how much I love my Laura today? No, I don't think I have. We had a wonderful weekend. The b-day party was a blast. And when we got home in the afternoon after minature golf, it was so nice sitting down and not having to do anything. The house was spotless, the laundary was done and there were great things on TV. I love the 9pm hour. We usually are getting ready for bed and all is quiet in the house. Just laying next to Laura in bed, I feel so safe and so loved. Life can not get any better. Life is good.


What a day. I am ready to go home. Too bad I still have two hours left. I got an email from ELF about his post. He apologized for it sounding mean. I don't think it was mean, I think it was ignorant. It really just didn't make sense to me, but that is just me and my opinion.

Back in the Civil Rights movements I am sure there were a lot of people that said black people were just wanting special rights. It has nothing to do with me wanting special rights. But it does include me being able to make medical decisions for Laura if she is unable to. When you get married in this country the spouse is automatically able to make life/death decisions. If I died today, Laura would be taxed to death on anything she would inherit from me. If we had the same rights as married couples, that would not happen. If we had a child and I died, she would have no legal rights to that child even though she did 1/2 the raising. It just doesn't make sense.

Laura and I have talked at great length about calling it "marriage". She does not want to say we are "married". We both agree that most marriages just don't work today. Having a civil union would give us the same rights in case of sickness or death.

This has always been a touchy subject with people. It's like the policy on religion and abortion. There are times when you just don't bring it up. But I agree that there is nothing wrong with talking. But I will not sit back and allow someone to compare me being gay to someone have a medical condition. Just won't do it.

Again, I AM GAY, AND I AM VERY PROUD OF BEING GAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Elf's post

When I arrived at work today I did my usual checking everyone's blog to see what went on over the weekend. I was very distrubed by a post the ELF put on his blog this morning. It was talking about equal rights/same sex marriages. He pretty much said that it's like having a medical condition. When you have a medical condition you are considered "sick" and that there is something wrong with you. There is nothing wrong with me or anyone else that is gay. And I am quite offended at his post. And I apoligize to anyone that read it. It's almost as if he wrote something that would get people stirring. And I don't appreciate that one bit. I don't care if you call it marriage or civil unions, but dammit we deserve the same rights as "married" heterosexuals. Last time I checked this was still America, home of the free.

My post may be limited in the next few days because we just hired a new person in our department and I am training her. I will tell you this, I am not done with this discussion on gay marriages.

By the way, I had a wonderful weekend with Laura and her family. I thank God everyday that her family does not have the same views as ELF. There is still good people in the world.

Friday, September 16, 2005

The Weekend Mode

Friday. I just love this day. Actually, my Fridays start Thursdays after work. I get into the "it's the weekend" mode. Last night was such a nice night. After work I went home and did some minor cleaning and then Laura cooked a wonderful dinner and we watch Survivor. We both love that show. Last season Laura was "in love" with the contestant Stephanie. Stephanie isn't bad looking at all, and one tough girl. She was voted off 1/2 way through the show last season. (it was not a good night at our house when that happened) Well, to our surprise, Stephanie was brought back for this season. Laura was in the kitchen at the beginning and when I said, "there's Stephanie", she came running. I had never seen her run that fast.

Growing up a JW I never had any b-day parties and never hosted a b-day party. Well, this weekend Laura and I are having a family b-day party for her youngest nephew who just turned 8. I am so excited about this. I am realizing how many things I was not able to do as a child because of my religious upbringing. I wonder how my life would have turned out if I was exposed to the world before the age of 26. How would things have turned out differently. Reminds of me of the song "Broken Road" by Rascal Flatts. Yes, the road may not have been straight and narrow, but it lead me right to Laura. I see everything I went through as just another thing along the road. And the eventual end lead me right to Laura. And what a wonderful ending this has been. Well, not an ending, but a wonderful beginning.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Hollywood Stories of Interest

A couple of things have happened in Hollywood this week that should be noted.

1) Britney Spears has had her baby. WHO CARES!!!!! You would think she is the first woman to ever give birth. I think it's odd she had a c-section when she said just a few weeks ago she was sure she was going to have one. Think of how much money someone will get for the first photos of her little dear one. Why not donate the money instead to the disaster relief for Hurricane Katrina victims.

2) Sadly Kenny Chesney and Renee Z. have split. I first heard about this on the new this morning. I walked up the stairs and told Laura I had some bad news. I told her, and she just laughed. Her response was, "she is no island girl". I never saw the connection they had. He is so dark and tan and she is so pasty and pale. I thought I noticed some disconfront on his part in regards to the marriage when we saw him concert last month. :) I am sure we will hear all about the split on his next album. Kenny had written a song for her called "You had me at hello." I am sure the next song will be "You sold me at goodbye".

3) President Bush. I know it's not really "Hollywood", but oh well. So, he comes to us last night from New Orleans. And then to say the Government will foot the bill for rebuilding. I can understand wanting to help, but footing the entire bill. I don't understand that. Don't you think the US people should have had some say in it? The estimates are now $200 billion. I can't even comprehend that much money.

4) Danny Bonaduce. He now has a reality show on VH1 on Sunday nights. It's called "Breaking Bonaduce". Very interesting show. He really is showing all his dirty laundary. The show focus' on the martial therapy he and his wife are going through. You see, he had an affair. Oh, and throw in some drugs and alcohol and it makes it very intersting. When I see his wife and the way she acts, I have just one word...CO-DEPENDANT. But it's still intersting for a Sunday night show.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

The Orange Bastard

Today is a typical fall day in the midwest. It is cloudly, rainy and cold. I love fall!! I really do. I love the cloudly, rainy days. And it was so damn hot and humid this summer, this is really feeling wonderful. We were able to sleep with the window open last night. I love those nights where it's cold in the room, but under the covers it's nice and cozy. All the cats were fighting to jump up in the window.

We have this one cat named Brady. Brady is, oh I would say 10 years old. All of our cats have distinct personalities. Brady is our homosexual cat. He is an orange tabby. He is not one of Laura's favorite and she often refers to him as "the orange bastard". He has always been an indoor cat, but he thinks we should let him outside. In order for us to know when he sneaks out the door we put a collar on him with a bell. (that just adds to his homosexual personality) Well, Brady loves to sleep with us at night. Laura hates it because he sleeps on my pillows and usually lays his feet on her pillow, and in turn her head. She gets to angry when he wakes her up with his feet. And she will usually look up at him and he is wide awake. I think he does it just to piss her off. Oh, and it's usually about 15 minutes before the alarm goes off. Well, I have never really had any problems with Brady at night and I have often defended him when she is angry at him. Well, last night he was sleeping on my pillow and his face was right next to mine and he let us this huge sneeze. Scared the shit out of me. Not only did it scare me, but my face was soaking wet from his sneeze.

It's safe to say, Brady, the orange bastard will not be sleeping with us tonight.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Light of the World

One of the responses I received a few days ago, I was reminded of "The Course in Miracles". It made me think of Marianne Williamson who has done several writings based on the course in miracles. I went to Marianne's website today and found something that is truly wonderful. It's a small movie about being the light in the world. I think I had lost my focus there for a few days and the response about the course in miracles brought me back to earth and healthly thinking. Watch this movie for yourself.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

A lifetime of Music

Music has always played an important role in my life. The first muscian that I "loved" was Barry Manilow. I was just 9 years old and was in love with his music. I don't know where I first heart his music, but I loved him. I even joined his fan club when I was 10. Every quarter I would get the BarryGram. Now that we are in the era where every song put out also has a video, it got me thinking some of the songs and videos that have touched my life the most. Here are a list of mine. Feel free to share which songs/videos have touched your life.

Breathe by Faith Hill--- Faith Hill 1/2 naked rolling around on silk sheets, what else can I say. And it's a pretty cool song.

Where is the Love by The Black Eyed Peas---What great words. And the video is awesome. This song came on the radio yesterday right before I emailed my Mom. I was nervous about emailing her until this song came on.

Letters From Home by John Michael Montgomery---The last verse when his Dad sends him a letter just to say he is proud of him gets me every time. Gives us a glimpse into the life of soliders and their families.

Remember When by Alan Jackson---A true testimony to a life well lived and all the journeys along that road.

Everything by Alanis Morriessette---Laura and I had our first date on my b-day and she gave me this CD for my b-day. The song talks about loving someone for who they are; the good, the bad and the ugly.

Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss---What an amazing song and video. The video was like a short movie. Had me crying like a baby the first time I saw it.

Under Pressure by Queen---Just one of those great songs for the car.

This one's for the Girls by Martina McBride---Listen to the words. It's a great uplifting song about a womans life.

Crazy for this Girl by Evan and Jaron---When Laura and I were first dating this song came on while we were driving down the road and it expressed how each of us were feeling about each other.

There are many many more, but that's all for now. Next time you get in your car, turn the radio up loud and sing like you are part of the band.

House of Secrets

Yesterday I emailed my Mother the address for this blog. I emailed it to her so she would know how I am feeling through all of this. She has never asked me how I am feeling. It has always been all about her and her feelings. She needs to see that I am not afraid anymore to put out there how she and my Dad have made me feel through all of this. But they also need to realize that I am a very resiliant person. I bounce back stronger then before. Last summer when I came "out" to them (even though they already knew) it was about money from the start. "You owe us for this and that". And I swear the list was a mile long. She accused me of running up one of her credit cards. That never happened. She told me that Laura and I would have to move out of our house because when the house was first bought (in 1998) my ex-husband and I bought it from my Mom and aunt. (they had inherited it from my Grandma when she passed away) My Mother really wanted us to have the house so it would stay in the family. She gave up her portion of the inheritance so we would qualify for the loan. She never mentioned repaying her. Now when I suddenly declare I am gay, I owe her $25,000. Then my parents insisted that I owe them for the car they bought me for graduation from my masters program. And get this, they added interest. I had never made one payment and it was never asked of me to make one. But suddenly I am gay and I owe them $15,000. Wow. Keep in mind, both the house and the car has nothing with their name on it. They know the truth. They were just hoping to scare me into paying them.

In May I had to go get my old tax papers from my parents. As I was walking out the door I told my Dad that it would be nice if we could work things out because Laura is going to be around for a while. He said his asking price for working things out was $15,000. He just then put a price tag on our relationship. I was through playing his games and walked out the door.

If we are keeping track of who owes what. Let's see. I am sure my Mother has never told anyone that she took my 2 diamond rings when James and I split and had a ring made for herself. I asked her to hold them for me and next thing I know she has a new ring. She had helped me with one house payment. She got at least $2000 worth of diamonds. What about what my brother has stolen from me over the years. They wouldn't let him stay with them because he steals, but would ask me to house him. Whatever...

My entire childhood was spent in a house of secrets. I will no longer hold these secrets inside. And no matter what anyone says, I have the RIGHT to speak these truths.

Friday, September 09, 2005

My Best Friend Ben.....

It's Friday. Thank God for that. This was a short work week, but it seems like it was very long. I am sitting here at my desk counting the minutes down til it's time to go home. I just feel completly exhausted. Laura gets up at 5am and I usually get up with her for an hour. When she leaves the house (6am) I usually go back to bed for an hour or so. Sometimes it's closer to 2 hours. It's been an adjustment getting up and being fully awake and then going back to sleep for an hour or so. Usually it's just long enough for me to enter into a real deep sleep. And with me not having to be at work until 9am it would be a shame to get up at 5am and stay awake. I know our cats would be very upset. Our youngest cat, Ben, loves to come up after Laura has left and get under the covers and sleep. Ben is a true lover boy. We used to have a stray female cat around our house that would have 2 litters a year. Well, four years ago Ben was in one of those litters. The kittens were always WILD and you were unable to catch them. Somehow I caught Ben and brought him inside. He is still very shy and will not come out when others come visit. But when it's just me and Laura at home he is all over us. He is a sweetheart. We live on Bennington, so I named him Ben for short. Because he was once ferel, Laura calles him Ferel Faucett. Last year was the first time I put up a Christmas tree. Ben loved it. He slept under it every single night. He thought we put it up just for him. He also thinks his name is Baby. When I got first got him he was so tiny and I treated him just like a baby. Now he thinks his name is Baby. When Laura moved in Ben warmed up to her after a few weeks. She often refers to Ben as, "my best friend Ben." When she wants him to come to her, she simply says, "my best friend Ben" and he comes from wherever he is sleeping.

Here is a picture of Ben sleeping under the Christmas Tree. Isn't he a cutie.....

Have a good weekend everyone.

Time to rescue the pets

As you know, the pictures that are coming from the hurricane of all the animals that were left behind are killing me inside. You can go to to donate money or to buy a collar for that benefits the rescue of all the animals.

Thursday, September 08, 2005

Wave on Wave

This afternoon I heard one of my favorite songs. It's called "Wave on Wave" by Pat Green. Pat Green was one of the opening acts for Kenny Chesney when we saw him in concert a few weeks back. I think we can all relate to the words of the song.

Wave on Wave
Mile upon mile got no direction,
We're all playing the same game.
We're all looking for redemption,
Just afraid to say the name.
So caught up now in pretending,
That what we're seekin' is the truth.
I'm just looking for a happy ending,
All I'm looking for is you.
You came upon me wave on wave,
You're the reason I'm still here, yea.
Am I the one you were sent to save?
You came upon me wave on wave.
I wondered out into the water,
And I thought that I might drown.
I dunno what I was after,
I just know I was going down.
That's when she found me,
I'm not afraid anymore.
she said, "You know I always had you baby,
Just waitin for you to find what you were looking for."
You came upon me wave on wave,
You're the reason I'm still here.
Am I the one you were sent to save,
When you came upon me wave on wave.
I love the song and I love those words. Laura defintely came upon me wave on wave. She saved me from a life that had lost it's passion.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Mishawaka Memories

Many of you that know me, know that I have a lot of time at work to surf the net. (don't tell my employer :) ) I came across a blog for an old friend that I knew from the days of Camp Mishawaka. I attended Camp Mishawaka for 6 years in the 80's. Some of the best summers of my life. So, I came across Eron's blog. I had not spoken to him since at least 1988. He was the sweetest person. We "went together" for a few summers. It's funny to think about us "going together" just during the summer months. But we did keep in contact during the the winter months. I will never forget one Christmas when he sent me a necklace. I was so excited because I had never received a necklace from a boy before. I felt pretty special. I used to daydream about the two of us getting married, you know the crazy teenage stuff.

So, I finally got up the courage to email Eron. I found his blog a few weeks back but wasn't sure if it was the same Eron. This afternoon he emailed me back. And it was really good hearing from him. He wrote the sweetest thing about me on his blog. To read it go to.. It's good to know that after all these years, sometimes have never changed. He is still very sweet.

Thank you Eron for being my friend during those horrible teenage years. You were more important to me then I told you. I am glad I got the chance to tell you, even after all these years.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005


Jehovah's Witness.....What exactly does that mean. It usually means something different to each person. They may think of the people that show up on Saturday mornings or holidays at their front door. They may think of a group of people that do not vote. They may think of a group of people that do not celebrate Christmas or any other holiday. For me...when I hear someone say Jehovah's Witness my skin literally crawls. Being raised a Jehovah's Witness you are taught that your religion is the "only true religion". Everyone else worships false gods. Everyone is wrong, but you my child are right. You are constantly fed bullshit through a straw. You are required to attend "meetings" (worship) 3 times a week, PLUS go door-to-door to share this "good news" with everyone, even if they don't want to hear it. We are required to put in at least one hour a month. The last few years of my association with JW's I lied about how many hours I was going door-to-door.

On Saturday two witnesses came to our door. I was not home, but Laura was home. The woman immediately went into her rehearsed speach about todays conditions, etc. (I am sure they are pulling on the heart strings of people regarding the recent hurricane) Laura stopped them and said, "Do you have a Watchtower for me." The woman replied, "yes". Laura told them her partner was disfellowshipped and they probably didn't want to stay. The woman quickly walked away. I think it's funny how they will talk to a complete stranger, but the minute they find out they are disfellowshipped they want nothing to do with them. Fine with me. I told Laura that when they come again (they usually come every 6 months) to tell them never to come to our house or we will call the police. I am tired of them bugging people and I think it needs to stop. If someone is interested in that religion, then they can call up a Kingdom Hall. But please, we all know who the witnesses are.

I have not spoken to most of my family in more then a year. My cousin Jill, who is three years younger, was my best friend growing up. We did everything together. She will have nothing to do with me. The last time I talked to her was the day before the announcment was made to the congregation about me being disfellowshipped. She told me that I couldn't be happy living this lifestyle and how much sadness it brought to Jehovah's heart. I reassured her that I was happier then I ever had been and not to worry about me. I think she was taken back at how confident I was. My cousin Joel is just one year younger then me. I met with him right before I was disfellowshipped. He said he told the family, "we need to treat her how Jesus would treat her". As we were leaving he hugged me and said with a smile, "Tell Laura welcome to the family." I thought that he was going to be the one that would keep in contact with me. In one year, nothing from him. Really made me disappointed in him. But I am sure he was under pressure from my aunt and uncle.

I have all this anger towards this group of people, and my family. I keep trying to figure out how to let go of this anger. I know that if I hold on to the anger, it will eventually kill me and everything in my life. This anger that I have makes me so jealous of the relationship Laura has with her family. There are times when I get angry she is talking with her family. Now, I am not literally angry because she is talking to her family. I am angry that I don't have that kind of relationship with my family anymore. How do I let this anger go? I pray every night for God to show me how to release this anger and allow me to accept what has happened. I will keep praying...

The Pets Left Behind.....

As I was sitting here this morning studying for my Social Work license test I was thinking of all the Hurricane victims. I went to MSNBC's website and looked at the pictures. There was one that broke my heart. It was a picture of a man putting his two dogs in the back room of his house. He was being evacuated, but he was not allowed to bring his two dogs with him. He had left them with enough food for one month and he said to his dogs, "I am so sorry I did not evacuate. Because of this, it cost you your life." How can something like that not break your heart. On Saturday morning on the Today show they did an interview with a woman from that is helping rescue all the pets that were left behind. In a situation like that I don't think I could leave my pet behind. It would be a very hard decision to make and I don't know if I would want to have to make that decision.

It's still shocking to hear the reporters say, "New Orleans is destroyed completly." How can that be? They are saying they will have to rebuild the entire city. I just can't imagine. I visited New Orleans in 1988 and loved it then. I have always wanted to go back as an adult, but never made it. Laura and I were very close to going to New Orleans instead of the Keys. We decided that we both wanted to just lay on the beach this trip. So we chose the Keys. I kept saying I was glad we didn't chose New Orleans, but then it seemed selfish to me. I shouldn't be worrying about a little vacation with there are people who have only the clothes on their back now. Nothing else.

Friday, September 02, 2005

One week.......

Another week has come and gone. How the world has changed in just 7 short days. Last Friday we knew there was a hurricane coming, but did we ever imagine the destruction it would cause to the land and to all those dreams people had? Makes me very grateful that I am living in the middle of the United States, not surrounded by water.

Tomorrow night we are going to the Royals game. We were suppose to go a few weeks ago, but it was rained out. We are going to try again tomorrow night. We really aren't going to watch the Royals play. The whole world knows they suck so we surely wouldn't go to watch the boys of summer play. Tomorrow is "Buck Night". In honor of Buck O'Neil all hotdogs, cokes and peanuts are a "buck". Not a bad deal. Actually when we were suppose to go a few weeks ago it was the 20th Anniversary of the Royals winning the World Series and all prices at the concessions were at the 1985 prices. I guess Buck night will have to do. When Laura and I go to McDonalds our intenions are to eat off the Dollar Menu. She always does, but I always end up getting a Value Meal. We joke all the time that when we go out to dinner she can have anything a dollar and under. Now, tomorrow night I will probably get a polish sausage which is $4, not a Buck. I know I will hear about it all night. :)

Keep the Hurricane victims in your prayers. They need all the prayers they can get at this point. Happy Labor Day Weekend. Enjoy the weekend with your loved ones. You never know what will happen in a week.

Thursday, September 01, 2005


Here it is the first day of September. Can't believe it's already September. But I am thrilled cause now I can officially say, "We're going to the Keys next month". Laura and I are so excited about our trip. It's going to be nice to just get away and enjoy each others company without all the distractions that daily life brings. A few weeks ago when Laura's sister and Mom stopped by our house her Mom asked us what we were going to do with the dog while we are away. We told her that we were going to put her in the kennel. Her Mom said that if we wanted to we could bring Sophie down to their house and they would take care of her. Laura's parents LOVE Sophie. But couldn't resist such an adoreable dog. She is a great dog. I thought that was so nice of her parents to offer taking care of Sophie. Well I told her Mom that I wasn't sure because without them having a fence, they would have to walk her and she can be a hand full at times. I tried to explain that trying to get Sophie on a leash is next to impossible because she gets so excited. Her Mom said, "Let me try". I got out the leash and handed it to her Mom and I couldn't believe it, Sophie stayed calm and let her put the leash on and walk her out the door with no problem. I couldn't believe it. After her Mom left that night I was telling Laura how touched I was that her Mom wanted to watch Sophie while we were out of town. My parents would never have done that for me. I called her Mom a few days later to tell her how touched I was by the offer. Her Mom simply said, "That's what families do for each other." Sometimes it's hard for me to understand that Laura's family has truly accepted me into their family when my own family has done everything to keep me out of the family. God is good!!