Wednesday, October 31, 2007
Just a few minutes ago he threw up again and it was only blood.
Please say some prayers. I am going to take him to the vet tomorrow and I know what they are going to tell me. I'm not sure if I am ready to hear it yet.
This just breaks my heart and makes me very sad.
I called the vet this morning, but the vet that has been working with Brady is not in the office today. I am going to call her tomorrow morning and go from there. Thank you for your prayers.
Would you believe I have never dressed up for Halloween. My memories of Halloween are getting out of school early and hanging out at home. My boss knows how much I love Little House on the Prairie and she said I should have dressed up as Laura Ingalls Wilder this year. I told her that the only way I would dress up as a country girl was if she would call me "Half Pint" all day. She laughed so hard I thought she was going to pee her pants. I went online and found a Laura Ingalls costume, but my boss insists she can make one for me next year. I told her we will talk next year.
I see Halloween as the official kick off for the Holiday season. So, let the holidays begin.
Be safe tonight.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I think I feel a little better then yesterday. I slept another 9 hours last night, so I am hoping all this sleep is helping in some way. Patti asked why I have so many germs at work. I work in a drug/alcohol treatment center and many of our clients are homeless. So when they come in they brings lots of things with them. I literally walk around with hand sanitizer because of all the germs. When I first started my boss told me that until I build up my immune system I could expect to be sick a lot the first year. I got a horrible cold my second week, but since then I have been pretty healthy. Knock on wood.
Today I had to take one of my techs to the doctor after she got injured. As I sat in the waiting room I started reading a magazine. I am a little concerned because I found 2 recipes that I want to try. I just might be domestic after all. Not too sure what to think of that, but all I know is I am excited about trying these new recipes.
Today marks 3 days of feeling really good. Giving up my worries to God has really helped. I also have made some decisions on some things that were kind of holding me back. As hard as those decisions were, I can't ignore how much weight has been lifted from my heart.
Monday, October 29, 2007
Late this afternoon I started feeling sick. My throat started hurting, when I talk I sound congested, my ear is hurting, my head feels like it's 100 pounds and I have a horrible headache.
I am hoping that all the rest I got this weekend helped a little and I won't be that sick. I hope that and then I am reminded of where I work. You have no idea how many germs I come into contact on a daily basis. It's really scary.
It's only 9:20pm, but I am about to fall asleep.
Please say a prayer for a friend of mine. She is going through a lot right now and is so desperately searching for peace in her life. I know she could use the extra prayers right now.
I woke up this morning with hope. I think all my praying over the weekend has helped. Today I feel excited about my future. I may not know what is in store, but I keep going back to that sermon I heard yesterday....Each day I wake up breathing, there is a lot goodness in my future.
It's been a while since I have had hope. I am going to hang onto it as long as I can.
Sunday, October 28, 2007
On Friday after work I had my counseling session with John. We were talking about a couple things going on and he said, "Boy you really are all alone aren't you." That may seem harsh when you read it out of context, but I don't think he meant any harm from it. I have a lot of friends, but only a few that are here in town or that I could call at the last minute to go out with. John and I also talked about the holidays. I have grown to love the holidays over the last four years, but I am really afraid with the holidays coming up. It's a time for families to be together and as I look around I see a family that is not yet put together completely. My family seems to be a work in process and this year it's just me. I am going to try to make the best of it, but sometimes fear takes over and I start feeling sorry for myself. Building your family from the ground up is very hard and sometimes emotionally draining. Sometimes the feelings of loneliness is so overwhelming that I literally just freeze. I am hoping that by talking about all of this and keeping in mind how I want my family to look one day will make it a little easier.
I stayed in the bathtub last night for about 40 minutes just talking to God. By the time I got out of the tub I was not feeling so overwhelmed. I decided that I needed to start using my worry stones again because they really helped me out during all the summer drama.
This morning I watched a religious program on TV. I don't normally watch these kind of shows, but it was the channel that came on when I turned the TV on. It was Joel Osteen, who has a huge mega church in Houston. I was fascinated by his sermon this morning. He was talking about how God has already laid out for us all the good things that are going to happen. He also pointed out that just because we don't see the good things coming yet, it does not mean they are not coming. He said that each morning we wake up and are breathing means there is goodness just waiting for us. I needed to hear that. Sometimes when I get down I get really down and have a hard time seeing how things are going to work out. I was reminded this morning that I need to not worry so much about the details of things working out and just trust in God. Once again, I got what I needed at the exact moment. On a side note: after watching Joel's program (who really reminds me of my own cousin Joel), I looked online to see what his views were on homosexuality. From what I could see he is pretty much middle of the road. That's OK for me right now.
I have learned that writing about the things that I normally would just keep to myself is very good for me. When I put it out there in black and white I can no longer keep avoiding it. My next goal is to write about my anger. I feel that by keeping all this anger inside it has been slowly poisoning me. It's time to finally get it out and be more honest with myself about it.
We read blogs and found several new blogs that look very interesting.
We gave each other lots of kisses.
We enjoyed the sun.
We took a nap with our best friend.
Saturday, October 27, 2007
And then I woke up.
As soon as I woke up this dream fascinated me. It was so weird how I knew that I had no control and the more I accepted that fact the more comfortable and at ease I became.
This afternoon I was still thinking about that dream wondering what it meant. So I got online and did a little bit of research about elevator dreams. If you dream that you are in an elevator that is falling you feel out of control with your feelings and emotions. If you dream that you are going up in an elevator it means you are moving up in your career and/or personal life. One site even said that if you are going through difficult times right now and then dream you are going up in an elevator it means the problems are going to be over soon. I hope so.
This past week was not the best for me personally or at work. I am having a lot of difficulty with my techs and sometimes I really feel like I am dealing with a bunch of 12 year olds. There's gossiping, eye rolling (I now know why my Dad hated it when I would roll my eyes) and other typical behavior of a 12 year old. I have a supervisor below me that I have tried and tried to work with these past six months. She decided on Monday to step down from her position. A huge part of me is very relieved, but the other part knows I have a lot more work until I can get someone else hired. Since I got off work yesterday at 2:30, I have received 16 calls from my techs. Sometimes I think it would just be easier to be there 24/7. As much as I sometimes complain, I still love my job and I love the challenge. In my last job I was bored for 2 years. I guess I am now paying for all those days where the only thing I did was read blogs.
To kind of cheer myself up I went to the thrift store today to look for some pants. It's been so long since I have bought myself any clothes. And since I am lacking in funds I decided to go to the thrift store. I got 2 pairs of pants and a shirt for $15. Not too bad. Oh, and one of my pants is Polo.
And because I pushed myself to go out and shop for clothes (I hate shopping for clothes), mowed the yard and picked up the house I downloaded a song to reward myself for not sleeping all day. For some reason hearing Bruce Springsteen's Santa Claus is Coming to Town always makes me happy. And according to Walmart, it is officially the Christmas Season.
Oh, and seeing (and kissing) this face always makes things not seem so bad.
Friday, October 26, 2007
and I feel like darkness is slowly pulling me under
I yell for help but no one is there to hear it
I begin to see the water at eye level
and I kick and flail
fighting to stay above the darkness
But the darkness won't let go of its hold on me
and I slowly begin to give in
to the feeling that lies below the water line
the waters starts to fill my lungs
the lungs that once held so much life
yet now they allow the murky water to replace that
I know that this path doesn't lead to happiness
But why doesn't someone grab my hand
pull me from darkness's grasp?
because no one knows I stand at the boundary
the boundary between light and dark
so I give in to the thing that holds me
All of the strength and all of the courage
that I once held in my heart
can't save me from the water
So I slowly slip below the world of conscientiousness
undetected by the occupants of that world
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Tonight I stopped by the one right by my house. Keep in mind that the 7-11 I go to is, well, very different. I never know what I am going to see when I walk in. (Lynilu can verify this) I noticed a very nice dressed woman back by the Slurpee machine and she kind of caught my eye. As I walked up she turned around and looked at me and smiled. It wasn't those normal smiles from strangers. I smiled back and said HI. I got my slurpee and noticed she was up at the register. I grabbed one more thing and got to the counter as she was walking off. I was kind of wishing that I had made it up to the counter a few seconds earlier. As she walked out I watched her as she walked to her car. I then paid for my stuff and walked out. I noticed this woman sitting in her car. Do I go up and say HI? Do I wait to see if she says something to me? I didn't know what to do, so I just got in my car. I noticed she was driving a black Honda Accord just like mine. How can you not like a woman that drives an Accord? I took my time turning on my car, putting on my seat belt and turning my iPod on. I then backed out and drove off.
As I was driving off I looked over at her as she looked up at me. What did that mean? Should I stop and say HI to her? What to do..What to do....
I really wanted to stop and go talk to her. The 5 minutes it took me to get home I was thinking about turning around to see if she was still there. When I pulled in the garage I even thought of pulling out and driving back to the 7-11.
But I didn't. I wish I could have had more courage to take a chance and say HI to her. But sometimes I get really afraid. What if she isn't gay? I think I am still working on my gaydar because sometimes it is so off. In fact, I think Lynilu has better gaydar then me.
Ironically I was given a Courageous award today by Lynilu. I could have really used some of that courage today.
Tomorrow I think I will need another Slurpee around the same time, so you know where I will be around 5:15pm tomorrow night.
I hope she is there.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
I am going to ask you guys a favor. I have signed up for a chance to get paid to blog for an entire year. How cool would that be? This may be the second job I was hoping for:)
Here's what I need from you guys: If you could click on the picture and vote for my blog. You can vote once a day. I would appreciate all the votes I can get. I think the person in first place has something like 6,000 votes, so I have a ways to catch up. All your votes would be greatly appreciated.
I would love to get paid to do something that I absolutely love.
I know I am lucky to have this person as my friend. But sometimes it takes someone else to notice it to really realize how fortunate you are.
Today Laura called me. She asked how things were going and I explained to her how this friend was coming over to help me with the painting. Oh, and because I really don't have any extra money right now, my friend is getting all the supplies we need to paint the inside. As I was talking to Laura about all of this Laura suddenly stopped and said, "She really cares about you Caroline". That one sentence kind of left me speechless. Ever have one of those moments where it all comes clear. I knew this person cared for me, but today it became even more clear how much she really just care for me.
Right when MG and I broke up I was crying to this friend telling her that I felt bad for those that loved me because for the last 7+ months I had only taken and not been able to give anything as a friend. She stopped me and said, "What about the first 33 years of your life where all you did was give? Allow us to help you right now and to give back to you."
My friends are worth their weight in gold!
Monday, October 22, 2007
My tiredness started on Saturday after my tech meeting. It was one of the worst meetings I have ever had and I left very upset and in tears. They just don't get it. On my way home on Saturday I called my boss and told her what had happened. She was in full support of me and agreed that the techs were so wrong in what they did.
I knew I had to deal with it today and boy did I have to deal with it.
I walked into work at 7am today and I was literally on the go the entire time. Around 11:30am my boss called and said, "Let's go to lunch". It was exactly what I needed. I needed to get away from the office for just a few minutes. My boss and I had a great talk about some ideas as to what I can do with the techs and then we also talked about all that has been going on in my life the last few weeks. This is the exact reason I love working in the social service field. I love that I can go talk to my boss about something other then work and not feel like she is going to hold it against me in some way. At one point in the conversation my boss looked me in the eye and said, "It's going to be OK Caroline". My boss is absolutely wonderful and I know I am very lucky to have a boss that is so supportive and genuinely concerned about me and all that has been going on in my personal life.
I could have stayed a couple extra hours at work tonight to catch up on some things, but my boss insisted that I go home at the end of my 8 hours. On my first day she told me that even though I am salaried, she does not want me working more then 40 hours a week. It's wonderful knowing that it's OK to leave some things for the next day.
My friend is coming over tonight to paint and I am wondering how much I will actually be able to get done since I am so tired.
Is it Friday yet?
Sunday, October 21, 2007
Whenever I think of my Grandma I immediately think of the last time I was with her. My ex husband and I were about a week away from our first anniversary. My aunt had called me at work and asked if I could go and sit with my Grandma while everyone else went to church. I really didn't want to. It was my only night off that week and I really just wanted to go home and relax. Well, I told my aunt I would even though I really didn't want to. Well, as it turns out that was one of the best nights of my life. My Grandma and I just sat around and talked about everything. One week later my Grandma died. Thinking back to that night it's as if she gave me that night with her as one last gift.
My Grandma used to always tell me that I reminded her of a herself when she was younger. She understood my shyness and told me it was OK to be shy and never made me feel bad about it. (I used to be really shy) When I graduated from High School she told me that I was the first daughter of her first daughter and that made me special.
I often think about how my Grandma would have reacted to my coming out. Deep down I think she might not understand it, but that would never stop her from having a relationship with me or loving me.
Next month will be 11 years since she passed away. As I always do, I will go to her grave, leave her a Hershey bar and remind myself of how lucky I was to have her as my Grandmother.
Saturday, October 20, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
As I pulled up to the house after work I noticed a packaged in my door. My first thought was I wonder what I left at MG's house. But to my delight it was a package from Katie. And this my friends is why I have the best blogger friends:
Yes, that is the first season of my beloved Little House on the Prairie. 19 hours of pure joy and heaven for me. So, if you don't hear from me by Monday, I just might need an intervention for overdosing on my favorite show. It's going to be a very good weekend!!!!
Oh, and you might check out this video. You will clearly see that Sophie is telling me that it's time to find something else to take pictures of.
Let the Little House on the Prairie marathon begin...........
I have just one hour left of my work day, thank goodness. But getting up at 5am to be at work by 6am was really hard today. All I wanted to do was stay in bed under the warm covers. I wish I could say I get to sleep in tomorrow morning, but I have an 8:30am meeting with all my techs. Wish I could say I could just come home and go to bed, but my friend is going over and we are going to start painting the inside of the house. With no one even calling about the house, I am not sure if new paint will even make a difference. We'll see...
Emotionally I think I am just trying to keep my head over water at this point. I have my good moments and then I have my really bad moments. But somehow I keep coming up for enough air to get me through the next day. A friend asked me a very good questions last night: Why are you taking it out on yourself what others have done? Very good question and sadly I do not have that answer right now. I guess it's easier to hate myself rather then hate others. I really need to get over this....and quickly.
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Monday night Laura found my new blog. I noticed she got to the new blog via PattiCake's blog. I was trying to figure out how she found it and why she went to it. For the months and months before I went private, Laura and Sharon (who is the real blogger between the two of them) never went to my blog because I had asked them not to. So I found it a little odd that all of a sudden they would go to my blog. Tuesday morning I called Laura and she tried to explain it to me. Apparently Sharon has a blog she reads that linked to SassyFemme. Sharon then went to Patti's via Sassy and then clicked on my link. Laura says it was a mistake, but I find it interesting. Apparently before they went to Patti's they did click on the link that Sassy had which still had my old link. Both Laura and Sharon were upset that I would put up a blog about cheating spouses. Apparently, spammers have grabbed up my old URL and now it's a site about how to catch cheating spouses. I think it's funny as hell, but they did not. Like I really have had time this past week to create a blog just for cheating spouses. I guess that's what they get for being so nosey. Just an FYI, I don't mind having my new link on other blogs because it really is only my brother that I don't want reading my blog. I really don't care if Laura and Sharon read my blog at this point.
I really want to see this movie. I am hoping at one point it will come to KC, but doesn't look like it's on the schedule. I wonder if my parents and rest of my family would be willing to see it? Probably not. Hey, it might be a good Christmas present for them.
This morning I woke up, turned over and had a ball of orange fur in my face. Brady immediately started purring, which to me one of the best ways to wake up. When I am no longer single, there will be other great ways to wake up of course. Brady seems to be doing well. He has been throwing up a lot which is a sign that the cancer might be in his spleen. I am just playing the wait and see game. He still seems to have his spunk, so I am not worried at this point.
I think that's it for now....
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Here's my problem: after doing this for most of my life, I am tired both physically and emotionally. Having done this for so many other people I fear there isn't anything left for me. I have given away all of myself for others and what do I have to show for it? Not too much. No wait, I do have something to show for it. I have a broken and very damaged heart.
I told my friend on Friday night that for the last seven months I have been dipping into my strength reserves and I fear it is all gone. I fear that something will happen and I will try to find strength and it will all be gone and I will not have the strength. This thought really scares me. Because I know what it's like when I have no strength left to fight. I don't want to be there and I am trying to find a way to find some strength.
This morning as I was driving to work I prayed to God to give me more strength. I know that we are not given more then we can handle, but it seems like I have been given a lot more this year and part of me thinks it's just not fair. Everyone keeps joking that I am just getting all the bad stuff out of the way during 2007, but seriously, how much more can one person take?
When will it be my turn to have something good happen. Everyone keeps telling me to hang on. Believe me, I am holding on with all I have. I feel like I am hanging out over a ledge holding onto a small branch. I am giving it all I got to hold on and to pull myself up, but I feel like I am losing my grip. And the scary thing is I have no idea what to do.
Monday, October 15, 2007
I had called MG before I left work asking her what she wanted to do for dinner. We decided to just order pizza. When I got home I continued to pack and when the pizza arrived, MG and I sat down together to eat. I tried to make small talk even though she was making it very difficult. I knew that we still had 2 days before I moved out and I was just trying to make things a little easier. As soon as MG and I broke up she suddenly felt that any question I asked she would be as vague as possible. This kind of irritated me because suddenly everything in her life was a huge secret. After trying for several minutes to talk with her, I got tired of hearing her say "just a friend" or "why do you want to know that." I snapped back at her and told her that I was so angry about everything that I feel like could punch something. I finished my dinner and went back to packing. About 30 minutes later I asked her if she wanted to help me get my cats back down to my house. I had decided that I really wanted to get out of the house and taking the cats back down south would be the best thing. As I packed up the cats, MG started loading her car up with some of my other things. Both MG and I left the house around the same time.
I got to my house and unloaded the cats and then waited for MG. About 20 minutes later she arrived. I thought it was weird that she didn't pull in the driveway and even asked her to pull into the driveway. She told me, "I don't want to pull into the drive way. Oh, and the since you threatened violence again me, the police are on the way."
Yes, MG called the police because she thought I had made threats against her. Even though I knew I had done nothing wrong, my first thought was, shit I am going to jail. My second thought was, How am I going to explain this to my boss.
I tried talking to MG, but she insisted that I was a threat and she had no idea what I was going to do. A few minutes later the police did arrive. One cop pulled up in a patrol car, the other drove up in a paddy wagon. Again, I thought for sure I was going to jail.
MG explained to the police why she had called and the officers looked at her like she was nuts. We all agreed that I needed to leave the house that night. I asked MG if I could come up and get my dog and some of my clothes and she said that was fine as long as I was escorted by the police. The officers told her that they could not escort us up north and if she really felt threatened she would need to call the police once she got home. Both the officers and I were confused as to why she followed me to my house even though she was so afraid to be around me.
When I arrived at MG's house she was on the phone. I asked if she was calling the police and she said, "yes, they should be here in a few minutes."
Long story short....I got my dog and some clothes and I got the hell out of there. I had no idea what MG was going to do and I wanted nothing to do with it.
I was pretty upset Thursday night because I was shocked that she would call the police on me. I never once threatened her and I had/have every right to be angry about this whole situation. I called my best friend, and she told me there was no way I was going to sleep on the floor at my house and I would stay with her and her husband. The whole situation was truly a blessing in disguise. For the first time in a long time, I felt like I was at a place where I was loved and welcome.
Now that this situation is behind me I can laugh about what happened last Thursday night. I really feel sorry for MG. I think she has some issues going on and is confused about a lot of things. She can't seem to understand that she can not disrupt my life as much as she did and think I will not be angry. And more importantly, I would never put a hand on anyone in an angry way. This really shows that she never really knew who I was. She does not realize what she just lost.
Through this whole process I have told my friends that I have felt like a plastic sack that just blows around with the wind. The last two weeks I have felt at the mercy of the wind and I just never know where I am going to end up in the end. I think I got the idea of being a plastic bag flying around from the movie "American Beauty". I think it's time to go watch this movie again to help me see that even though a lot of shit has been thrown my way, there is still so much beauty all around me.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Today has been a very good day. I never know when the bad days are going to come, so when I do have a good day I enjoy every minute of it. I am almost completely settled in. I had a lot of time yesterday after the movers were done and before Time Warner came, so I did most of my unpacking then.
Something interesting: every time I have gone out this weekend people have use the word "sweetheart" when they say something to me. Yesterday at Walmart the cashier said "Have a good day sweetheart." When I went to KFC the lady in the drive-thru said "thank you sweetheart" and then this morning when I went to 7-11 the cashier also said "thank you sweetheart". Normally I don't think I would have noticed, but I did notice and it feels nice that even strangers are noticing that I need a little more.
Saturday, October 13, 2007
The last 2 days have been pretty rough. Thursday night MG decided she wanted me out of her house that night. We had decided to bring the cats down to the house that night and I was informed once we got back down to my house that I needed to find another place to stay. I was furious for many reasons. Why had she not told me that when we were at her house so I could get some of my things as well as Sophie. Thanks to a wonderful friend, I didn't have to sleep on the floor in my house. But seriously, who the fuck acts this crazy after coming across as very sweet and kind. MG did a couple other things on Thursday night that I am still shaking my head at. I had no idea she was this type of person and it was not hard at all to move back to my house. MG has a lot of problems and I am thankful that it only took a couple weeks to see this rather then years.
My friend and I stayed up until 1am last night watching movies and just talking. It was a wonderful evening. It was actually a blessing that MG insisted I get out of her house Thursday night. It was so nice to be someplace that I was wanted and loved.
This morning when I got to MG's house she had a friend there with her. As I loaded up my car with some of my stuff, MG and her friend followed me literally everywhere I went. They did not help me, they just supervised me. That really irritated me and I just kept my mouth shut and kept to myself.
I have more to write about today, but as you can understand I am very tired. As I was on my way to get some really unhealthy food (KFC), I took this picture of the sunset. What I find interesting is not the sunset, but how the road divides. Once again I find myself at a crossroad and now I just need to decide which way to go.
Friday, October 12, 2007
Boy does my life feel like that right now. Hopefully in 24 hours most of this drama crap will be over with. The movers will be at the house by 8am and hopefully it will be as quick as last time. Then the pets and I can settle back into our normally calm and quiet life.
I have some of the greatest friends. Really I do. Without you guys I surely would be locked in a padded room. :) One of my friends is coming over to my house tonight and we are going to get started on painting all of the inside. I can't wait for that. When I move the furniture back I am going to arrange it a little different. I don't have much choice in regards to the living room furniture, but the bedroom is going to be completely different. I think that will be good for me.
The cats and Sophie are all back at the house. I have the cats locked in a room so they are out of the way of the movers tomorrow. Bonk and Ben are hiding in the closet, but Brady is all anxious to get out. I think they know they are home. When I call Ben he lets out a meow, but it's not that same panic meow I have heard the last two weeks. Sophie is very confused as to why there is no furniture in the house. When I went home at lunch she was just laying in the middle of the bedroom floor. I can't wait until our bed gets set up tomorrow and it starts to feel like home again.
Once I recover from all of this, I plan on working on the yard. It has been sadly neglected this past summer. I want to get it all ready for winter and of course the spring. I am thinking of taking the house off the market until February. We are coming up on a period when people really don't buy new houses, and I am afraid with it sitting all this time on the market it's kind of stale now.
It's officially cold in Kansas City and I am loving it. When I went out for my breakfast cigarette it was saying it was 37. When I went home at lunch it was only 60 in the house. So I turned on the heat and prayed that it would come on. I have not had any problems with my furnace, but considering everything that has gone wrong this year I would not be surprised if it didn't turn on. But the furnace Gods were smiling upon me today and it came on. And much to my surprise that burning smell only lasted 5 minutes.
Today I have a much better attitude and I can't wait to go home, my home.
Thursday, October 11, 2007
I can handle the stress all this moving has done, but I know it's so hard on the pets. All I can do is love them and try to get them understand that it will be alright. Kind of reminds me of that one episode of Little House on the Prairie called "As long as we are together...".
I know Sophie will be thrilled to have her yard back where she can go and do her business without someone watching her every move. And I know the cats will be thrilled that they don't have to be watching their back for Oliver who loved to chase them.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
Then Saturday came. The day started out OK. MG and I took my car in to get some work done. We then went to a Renaissance Festival that Kansas City has every year. I really didn't notice anything too different, but something she said to me on Friday just stuck in my mind. Seeing that I was so upset about my brothers comments (there were 3 more on Friday night), MG's response to me was "just shake it off". I know she meant well, but it really wasn't what I needed to hear at that moment. What I needed was for someone to take me in their arms and say "I love you no matter what you have been through". As we drove to get my car we didn't say that much. As we were sitting there waiting for them to bring my car around it looked like MG had tears in her eyes. I asked her what was wrong and she said she was just thinking about values. I tried to talk to her and she said "we'll talk about it when we get home" and walked off.
When we got home we did talk. Boy did we talk. Keep in mind when I started this relationship with MG and especially when she asked me to move in being very honest with her about where I was coming from and what I could give in regards to this relationship. I told her about my financial situation and that I would not be able to contribute that much to this household until my other house sold. She was fine with it. And I think her comments and the things she said on her own blog showed that she at least appeared fine with it.
By the end of our 2+hour conversation she asked me to move out. She told me that she thought she could do it, but she can't. What can she not do? She can not give me that space and time that I told her I needed. I think that would have been fine, but I really would have appreciated being told that before I moved everything I own here.
As soon as she asked me to move out she started treating me differently. I understand treating me a little differently because we are no longer a couple, but I never expected to be treated like a child, degraded because I am having some financial challenges and mostly like I am an irresponsible adult. It seems like that now because we are no longer a couple I don't know how to care for the pets, I don't know how to manage my money and I don't cope with things well.
Kind of seems like DeJaVu, but come this Saturday the moving company is coming back to move me back to my other house. The tension in this house has been horrible since Saturday night. I am angry and I know that I am saying things that I probably should just keep to myself. I have not been perfect in this whole situation, but I will not take full responsibility. I told MG that I wish she would have been more honest with herself and me before I moved in here. As I wrote on my blog, I was very nervous about moving in. But she insisted and appeared to be very understanding and was willing to give me that time and space to heal.
I feel betrayed. A week before I moved in MG and I had a very heart to heart conversation. Once again I explained exactly where I was in my life and I wanted to make sure that she understood that I could only give so much. I even came out and asked her if I should postpone moving in. I trusted her.
I don't want to stay somewhere that I am not welcome. I will not stay in a home where I am treated (and talked to) like a child. I don't need a parent. What I needed was a partner that was understanding and loving through everything. I guess one bright thing about all of this is I found out about this just 2 months into the relationship, not years later.
My feelings and emotions have been all over the map since Saturday. My first thought was pure panic. I remember feeling that when Laura and I split and feeling it again really scared me. I was afraid to call anyone. I was afraid that people would say "here we go again" and roll their eyes. My second thought was not to burden any those that love me with this and drive back to my other house and see how many sleeping pills it would actually take to bring me some peace. Thankfully, my third thought was to call someone even though I was afraid. I sat and talked with my best friend for over an hour. I remember she kept asking me questions and it was as if my mind was frozen. I couldn't get my thoughts together. My friend talked with me and we came up with a better plan then hurting myself. By the time I got off the phone I was feeling a little more calm and felt better knowing that not only did I have a plan, but I had someone that was going to stop everything in her life to help me.
Sunday my friend and I spent the day at my old house cleaning it from top to bottom. I had cleaned it up a little, but was planning on going back that day with MG to finish the deep clean. By the time I left the house I was at least OK with being back there.
Moving twice in two weeks is not an easy task. I had just finished unpacking all my stuff here and now I am packing everything up again. My boss is moving and I had given her all my boxes, so I had to find all new boxes. I am so tired. I am tired of packing. I am tired of feeling like I don't have a place to go. I am tired of trusting people and that trust being taken advantage of.
I hope you can understand to some degree why I felt so desperate on Saturday night. I really was feeling like I was burden on everyone and I felt bad for those that love me. I wanted to try to spare them anymore sadness in their life. I thought it would be better for them if they just didn't have to deal with me. You know how sometimes when someone kills them self their loved ones are standing around saying, "he/she had everything, why would he/she do this?" Well, when you look at my life I had a hard time thinking of why anyone would say that. I thought it would be more of a relief to be gone for those that I love. Here I am at 34 and I can't seem to find love, I am having horrible financial problems, I have a family that hates me and wants nothing to do with me except to torment me and I have a house that I might lose if I don't sell it.
I am better then Saturday. When I was talking to my friend I told her that I am not better then I was in March. Her response was very simple: Yes you are better then you were in March. You are still here.
Today I took a mental health day. I just needed a day where I could concentrate on one thing: nothing. I could probably use about 20 more days like today before I will feel completely ready to take on the world. But for now, one day will have to do.
I know all the struggles I have been through will someday pay off. Until they do, I will keep fighting. The words to the song The Boxer have really helped me through the last couple days. The fighter in me will always remain.
Each day God blesses me with wonderful people that surround me with mirrors so I can see who I really am. When I look in those mirrors I see a person that I sometimes like. Then there are times when I look in those mirrors and realize that I have a lot of changes to make.
This is my journey to look in those mirrors and face the person that I am at that exact moment. This journey is amazing, wonderful, funny, frightening, sad and a whole lot of fun.
Thank you for coming along with me as I take this ride. I will tell you this, having all of you along with me makes the good times more fun and the hard times easier to deal with.
Be sure to let me know that you have made it here safe and sound.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Some of you have an idea as to what exactly has been going on and hopefully when I switch my URL address then I can share with everyone what has been going on. I do appreciate all the emails, phone calls and text messages I have been receiving. Somehow word has gotten out to people that don't even read this blog and I am getting calls from people I have not heard from in months. I feel your love and I appreciate it so very much.
I promise that by the end of this weekend I will have the new address emailed out to everyone. It's not too late to get me your email address if you want to come along for the ride that has been known as Caroline in the City. If you do not feel comfortable leaving your email in the comment section, you can always email me at: carolinesmail73 at yahoo dot com.
See you on the other side...........
Sunday, October 07, 2007
Just a clarification from my post from yesterday. My intentions were never to quit blogging. I just had to figure out what to do so certain people would not have as much access to me as they had. Blogging is now part of me and I can't imagine blogging not being a part of my life.
Saturday, October 06, 2007
I literally feel that with each day I am slowly losing my sanity. Each morning I wake up and I am more disgusted with the person I see in the mirror. How in the world can I expect others to love me and accept me when I don't even do that for myself.
Tonight I was talking with a friend and I told her that I feel sorry for those that love me. I have not been the easiest person to live with the last 7 months. I have made it very difficult for people to love me. I am desperate to feel the love from others, but then when I finally start to feel that love I push people completely out of my life. The crazy thing is I then wonder how in the world they could do that to me. It's very clear now to see that no they did not turn away from me, I pushed them out of my life all by myself. I just hope that when I come to my senses I will not have pushed every one away. But from where I am sitting right now, I am almost making it certain that I will have no one around me when I finally see the light.
So, I openly apologize to all of those that do love me. I am sorry that I have made it so hard to love me. I am sorry that I pushed you away when I really meant to pull you closer. I am sorry that I fought your love as much as I did. I hope you realize that I really do need love, but it's just hard for me to ask for that love. For some reason I do not feel deserving of that love.
I am sorry for taking so much over the last seven months. I am sorry if I have been a burden on any of you. I think the one thing I really do regret over the last seven months is how bad of a friend I have been. I have not returned emails or phone calls. There some of my friends that are going through a lot worse things and I feel I am horrible because I can't even take out a few minutes to be a friend for them.
I am going to take a small break from blogging until I can get everything figured out. I hope you will hang in there with me and be there when I return.
Friday, October 05, 2007
But I am sad. I am really sad and hurt that his comments still pierce my heart like they do. I sat at home this morning at 5:15am reading his comments wondering why he hated me so much. What have I ever done to him? I understand the people do not like me and some even hate me, but when it's family and they throw things back in your face that you have been through it is really hard. As I drove to work I cried the entire way. I really can't take anymore of my families very public hate for me and all I am.
We all make mistakes and I admit that I have made my fair share of mistakes in life. But when you love someone you can forgive those mistakes. Why is it that my mistakes are unforgivable to my family? Am I really that bad of a person?
I am just really sad today and really hurt. Sometimes I wonder what God is trying to teach me. I wish I could figure out what this lesson is so I can at least change what I need to. And if there is no lesson, then I wish my family would just leave me alone. I am done fighting. They win. If they were hoping to break me down, they have achieved that.
I will ask this one thing of all of you out there: please just pray for me today. Something about his comments and all he wrote has hurt me more then ever. I need strength right now and I can't seem to find my own strength right now.
Thursday, October 04, 2007
I had another therapy session yesterday. My therapist said immediately that my affect was down and he knew there was a lot going on. We got into some deep issues involving my parents and their very obvious rejection. I know he's a good therapist because he doesn't let me avoid the things that I so desperately need to work on. I cried a lot during the session and it kind of felt refreshing.
After I left the session I went to visit with a friend since MG was still in Springfield. As I left my therapy I was still crying. I tried to compose myself before going to my friends, but sometimes my emotions have a different idea. I walked into my friends house and we talked for a few minutes and then out of nowhere (well, really not nowhere) I started crying. As always my friend just listened to me and allowed me to talk my way out of the hole I had created yesterday. Right when I stopped crying my friends husband walked in from mowing the yard. He was so sweet. He walked up to me and gave me a huge hug. He told me that I am always welcome at their house and that I am officially part of their family. I joked with him about when was he was going to go mow my yard at the old house and he told me this weekend. I told him he really didn't need to, but he insisted. He is such a good guy and I appreciate all his kindness and making me feel so welcome in their house.
I had only planned on staying at their house for about an hour, but in that hour I consumed 2 Coronas. I had not had anything to eat since lunch (7.5 hours earlier) and I was feeling a major buzz. Usually I get buzzed from one beer on a full stomach. So you know I was not feeling too much with 2 beers on an empty stomach. So my friend made me some dinner and we waited for that buzz feeling to go away. My old house is only about 10 minutes from their house, so I needed to make sure I was OK to drive home since I had a good 40 minute drive ahead of me. We sat out on the back deck and enjoyed the perfect fall night and just talked. It was exactly what I needed after such a bad and emotionally draining day. Oh, and the best thing: my friend had gone to Hot Springs, Arkansas this past weekend and she brought me back White Chocolate Popcorn. I have never had it and I can't wait to have it for dessert tonight. Sorry MG, I may not be sharing. :)
By the time I got home it was about 10:30pm and I ate a little snack and then we headed up to bed. We ended up staying up until about midnight talking and then tried to get some sleep. About 20 minutes after we had stopped talking Ben jumped up on the bed. What a surprise that was. Not only did he come upstairs from the basement, but he came all the way up to the bedroom and jumped on the bed with Oliver right there. That was exactly what my heart needed last night. I needed to feel that I had not traumatized Ben too much and that he did forgive me. I feel asleep with him right next to, just like it had always been.
Even though I got about 6 hours of sleep last night, I woke up feeling refreshed. And even though I still may not be able to see my feet, I am putting faith in the fact that I am taking the right steps.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
A few posts ago, Julie referred to life as a roller coaster. Just tell me this, when will the spinning stop so that I can at least get off and get onto a slower ride?
About a month ago Lynilu sent me one of those stress tests to see in black and white how much stress I have been under. The last time I took it (and admitting to myself how much has really happened this past year) my score was 463. I think it said that if your score was above 300 then you are at serious risk for stress.
In March it's as if someone set of an atomic bomb in my world. For months and months I was just trying to figure out what had happened. I am still trying to find my feet so that when I get up in the mornings I can put one put in front of the other. But it's hard doing that when you can't even see your feet because the dust hasn't cleared.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
If you still can't see it, click HERE and it will show you. In 2004 I had a client in my car and she pointed it out to me and she told me I would always see the arrow first when I see a FedEx truck. She was right. Now when I see the FedEx logo the only thing I see is that damn arrow. I just thought I would pass that on to all of you. :)
It's hard realizing that you still have a lot of work to do, but I am determined to keep working on myself. I keep reminding myself of a quote that Casey put in my comment section a few weeks back: "In the end it will be OK. If it's not OK, it's not the end". I have a horrible habit of thinking that it's the end when I am still working on things. It's as if I get tired and just want to rest. I need to remember that in life you have very few chances to just sit and rest. Life is always moving and if we want to stay on the ride, then we need to keep moving right along with life. But to be honest, sometimes I get very tired. Very tired. And when I get tired I get pretty grumpy and I have a horrible attitude. I just need to keep working on my attitude. Just keep working.
I don't want to give the assumption that things are not going well with MG, because they are going well. I don't regret moving in with her and it has probably been the best decision I have made in the the last six months. It's just been an adjustment for all of us and I am realizing that I have a lot more work to do then what I first thought.
Monday, October 01, 2007
I have been the most surprised by Bonk, who is 20. When I moved out of my parents and into my first apartment she freaked out. She stayed behind the microwave for 3 days. Then about 4 years ago Bonk suddenly became more friendly. But I was still worried about her and changing everything she knew. Well, it seems that Bonk has no fear. She walks around here like she owns the place and even walks right up to Oliver with no problems. The last couple of months there have been several people that have been amazed that Bonk is 20 and the next question is always, "How old would she be in human years?" Finally today I looked on the Internet and if Bonk were a human she would be 96. Wow, that's pretty old. I am so glad that six months ago I decided that since Bonk is so old, she can have whatever she wants. MG was kind of shocked when I let Bonk eat some of my ice cream and she kind of looked at me like I was crazy. I explained to MG that Bonk gets whatever she wants since she is so old. Thankfully MG has agreed with me. :)
Work is kicking my butt. There never seems to be enough time in the day to get everything done. And then today I was unloading the cleaning supplies for the techs and I think I have strained my back. I think I need to put a hot tub on my Christmas list. That would come in handy on days like this when my back is hurting so bad I can barely walk. (are you reading this MG???? hehe)