Saturday, October 06, 2007

Closed

I need to take a break. There is so much going on in my little world that I just need to take a step back and at least try to catch my breathe. Right now I am feeling like I can't breathe and I am feeling like I am panicking. I am worried because I have never felt like this before, not even when Laura left.

I literally feel that with each day I am slowly losing my sanity. Each morning I wake up and I am more disgusted with the person I see in the mirror. How in the world can I expect others to love me and accept me when I don't even do that for myself.

Tonight I was talking with a friend and I told her that I feel sorry for those that love me. I have not been the easiest person to live with the last 7 months. I have made it very difficult for people to love me. I am desperate to feel the love from others, but then when I finally start to feel that love I push people completely out of my life. The crazy thing is I then wonder how in the world they could do that to me. It's very clear now to see that no they did not turn away from me, I pushed them out of my life all by myself. I just hope that when I come to my senses I will not have pushed every one away. But from where I am sitting right now, I am almost making it certain that I will have no one around me when I finally see the light.

So, I openly apologize to all of those that do love me. I am sorry that I have made it so hard to love me. I am sorry that I pushed you away when I really meant to pull you closer. I am sorry that I fought your love as much as I did. I hope you realize that I really do need love, but it's just hard for me to ask for that love. For some reason I do not feel deserving of that love.

I am sorry for taking so much over the last seven months. I am sorry if I have been a burden on any of you. I think the one thing I really do regret over the last seven months is how bad of a friend I have been. I have not returned emails or phone calls. There some of my friends that are going through a lot worse things and I feel I am horrible because I can't even take out a few minutes to be a friend for them.

I am going to take a small break from blogging until I can get everything figured out. I hope you will hang in there with me and be there when I return.

8 comments:

Audra said...

Caroline,

I haven't been a reader of yours for long, but I really feel a connection through your blogs and the wonderful comments you leave me.

I hope things will start moving uphill for you, and your break helps.

If you ever need to vent or get something out, feel free to e-mail me, or whatever! I'm here for whatever help I can be.

yankeegirl said...

((((Caroline)))) Take care, dear. I'll be here when you get back.

Chelle said...

The most important thing is to take care of yourself. Good thoughts will be coming your way.

A social worker in the making. said...

I will miss your blog

Bella said...

Take care of yourself, you know where to find me if I can do anything for you.

One Messed Up Chick said...

we will be here when you are ready for us!! Take care of you first!!
Much love

Lynilu said...

I'm so sorry for these situations. I will miss your blog very much, but we must talk often. Call me anytime, any hour you need to talk, OK? I love you. :*

Married Lesbian Mom said...

I hope all will be ok. I am praying for you and will be waiting for your return. (((HUGS)))