Thursday, July 31, 2008

Life of my Pets

I've decided that I want to have the life of one of my pets. They have very little stress and I am there to take care of their every need. They don't have to worry about the gas prices and how it now costs $60 to fill up the car. They don't have to worry that the prices at the grocery store are going up faster then the price of gas. They have no alarm clock and sleep whenever they want and get up whenever they want. Whenever they "voice" their opinions I listen to what they have to say even if I can't understand what they are saying. They have preference when we are all sleeping on the bed. I will move my body to make sure they are comfortable.

So yes, I want to have the life of one of my pets. I just need a small break from life in general. I need just a couple of days where I don't have to worry about money, work, still being single and just feeling incredibly lonely. I miss having someone to come home to at night. I miss not having someone call me in the middle of the day just to see how my day is going. It is really hard when I am going through something difficult and I don't have anyone at home to "process" it with. Yes I am enjoying being single, but there are some days where I really miss having a partner to go through life with.

I know one day I will finally find her, but right now I am just feeling lonely and overall kind of blah.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

First Puzzle Piece

I met Meghan my first year at Camp Mishawaka. She was everything I wasn't. She was outgoing, I was shy. She was a "wild" child, I was the good kid. She knew all about fashion, I knew nothing (and still don't) about fashion. We were perfect for each other and within a couple days were the best of friends.

That first year we were in the same cabin together. One of my favorite memories of Meghan is when we had a chipmunk living under the cabin. We found the hole he was coming in and out of and we decorated it. We took 2 toothpicks and made them flagpoles, complete with flags. Everyone else thought we were crazy, but we didn't care and continued to make things to decorate the chipmunks front door.

When we left camp we wrote each other at least a couple of times a month. And every once in a while we were allowed to talk on the phone. Back then talking long distance on the phone was a huge thing.

The next summer (85) we were not in the same cabin, but we continued to be best friends. I still remember getting off the bus that first day and seeing Meghan running when she saw me. That summer was probably one of my best summers of my life.

When camp was over that year my Grandma (Dad's Mom) picked me up and I stayed with her a few days. I remember at the time I was upset because I really wanted to ride the bus back to Minneapolis with everyone else. That visit was the first time I had spent any time with my Grandma when it was just the two of us. She lived on a small lake in a tiny town called Outing. It had been a month since I had talked with my parents and when I tried to call the house it said the number was disconnected. I remember thinking that this was strange, but my Grandma reassured me that everything was OK. And when my parents did call later that night I was so excited to talk to them that I forgot to ask why the phone was not working. Three days later when I went home I found out why the phone was not working: my parents had moved while I was at camp. They had been thinking about moving, but I had no idea they did actually move. It was a shock to me. When my parents moved I had to switch school districts which meant instead of being in elementary school for one more year I was now in Middle School. That was another big shock to me.

That fall I continued to write Meghan. We decided we needed to get together around Thanksgiving. Much to my surprise my parents allowed me to go see her and I spent 5 days with Meghan and her family over the Thanksgiving weekend. Meghan and her family lived in New Jersey and were just an hour from New York City. I was so excited about going to not only see Meghan, but get to see New York City. Her parents took us to the Macy's Parade and all I remember from that is the crowds. But hey, I can still say I have been to the Macy's Thanksgiving Parade.

That next year when camp started Meghan was different. She seemed angry and not happy. She talked a little about the problems she was having with her parents and how they were arguing all the time. Within a couple of days she was getting into arguments with the counselors and really was doing whatever she wanted. About two weeks into the session Meghan was sent home. The day she left we were both bawling. That's one goodbye I will never forget.

That Thanksgiving Meghan came to Kansas City and the following summer I went to visit her again. She never returned to camp, but we continued to be friends. Even though we were both changing, that change only seemed to make us closer.

The summer of 87 was the last time I saw Meghan. After our visit that year we continued to write each other and talk on the phone, but once we were in high school our letters become fewer and fewer. Within a couple of years we had lost touch with each other. I thought of her often and wondered how she was doing, but for some reason never wrote her to tell her I was missing her.

When my ex-husband and I moved in 1996 I found a my old address book with Meghan's address and phone number. I immediately tried to call her. Meghan's Mom answered and was so happy that I had called. She said Meghan was not living there, but she would give her the message I had called.

Two days later Meghan called at 2AM. We only talked for about 30 minutes because I couldn't really understand what she was saying. She was talking in a loud whisper and was not making any sense. I never tried to call her again.

I think of Meghan a lot. I wonder if she is married, if she has kids, where she works....if she is OK.

I can't think of Camp Mishawaka without thinking of Meghan. Before meeting Meghan, I had never been around someone that was such a free spirit. I was so used to being told what to do and how to think that when I first met Meghan I was so fascinated with her. I loved how she didn't care what people thought about her and just did her own thing.

Thinking about who I am today, I realize that Meghan was that first puzzle piece.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Day Off

Today I did something that I never do...I took a mental health day. It has been the best day and I can honestly say that I have done nothing. Here are some pictures from my very relaxing day:

Watching Bonk sleep has this amazing calming effect.

Sophie and I also took a nap:
She had been up on the bed and I just went and laid next to her. Sophie does not like to cuddle, so I didn't get too close to her. It was funny because she kept looking over at me (without moving her head) to see if I was still there.

I also watched Ben fall asleep sitting up:
He was just laying in front of me with his head up, but he kept closing his eyes. So sweet...

I know the pets enjoyed me being home today, but they all kept giving me this look like, "You have really messed up our routines today."

It has been cloudy all day and we are expecting a lot of rain tonight thanks to Dolly. With all the humidity we have had lately, I wake up to the most interesting designs on my window.
The rain is suppose to start right about the time I will go to bed. I love falling asleep to the sound of rain. Now if it would just cool down about 30 degrees, then I would be very happy.

Monday, July 28, 2008

Maybe You are Right

In a small town outside of Kansas City, a man went into a Kingdom Hall and committed suicide. When I heard this it made me so sad. They have not said if the man was a witness, but I know he was. I imagine he was disfellowshipped and could not handle the isolation he was suddenly experiencing. You can watch the the segment HERE.

I can not explain to you how isolated you feel when you are disfellowshipped. Your entire life is about being a witness and nothing else, so when you are suddenly out there you feel so unprepared. Those first few years after I was disfellowshipped were the hardest time of my life. I had to relearn how to do everything. 4+ years later I still find myself working on the things that most people my age learned twenty years ago.

When I hear about an ex-Jehovah's Witness that has committed suicide, I realize that maybe everyone is right and I really am strong.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

Taking a Trip

I have always thought that it was interesting that I was able to go to summer camp as a kid. My Dad was raised going to summer camps, but my Mom preferred to have my brother and I close so she could keep an eye on us. I often wonder about the talks my parents had when they were deciding to send me to camp because I am sure they were pretty heated at times. Not only would I be far away, but I would be gone for at least four weeks and that was four weeks of missing church. I attended 3 camps as a kid and the first time I went away was when I was just 9 years old.

In 1982 my parents sent my brother and I to a horse back riding camp in southern Missouri called Camp Zoe. We were only there for 2 weeks, but it was the worst two weeks of my life. I was so homesick and it didn't help that I hated horse back riding. I have been afraid of horses since I was bucked off one when I was 7, so sending me to a horse back riding camp was probably not the best thing. Plus I really didn't have good social skills. I had been very sheltered and suddenly being on my own at 9 was very scary. As you probably guessed I was very happy when my parents came and picked us up.

The next summer my Dad wanted to send me to camp again and this time for an entire month. I had a friend that I would hang out with at the lake and she went to a camp in Northern Minnesota and my parents decided to send me there. Just a few days before I left for camp my Mom's Dad passed away and the day before I left was the funeral. It was a very hard time for my Mom and I remember saying goodbye to her as I left for the airport that morning and she had us both crying. I can only imagine how hard it was for her. This second camp was called Camp Lake Hubert and it was huge. I think there were 25 girls in my cabin and I seemed to get lost in the crowd. The friend from the lake I went with was a year older then me and once we got to camp I hardly ever saw her. Two weeks into the session was visitors day and I was so surprised that my Mom had drove up to see me. I still remember sitting at my arts and crafts table and seeing my Mom out the window. I dropped everything and went running to her. My Grandma on my Dad's side lived just a couple hours away from the camp and she was also there with my Mom. But the truth is I was miserable at this camp. I was so shy and it was hard for me to make friends so I stuck to myself most of the time. When I was leaving at the end of the summer I remember crying and I am not sure if I was crying because I was happy to be going home or because I was going to miss camp.

The next spring my Dad asked if I wanted to go to camp again. I finally decided in May I that did want to go to camp, but it was too late. There were no open spots for me at this camp. My Dad then told me about the camp he went to as a child called Camp Mishawaka. So in 1984 I went to Camp Mishawaka for the first time and ended up attending every summer there for 6 years.

I hope you will join me as I take a trip down memory lane. I have so many good memories from my summers at Mishawaka and I truly believe attending that camp helped me become the person I am today. This trip down memory lane is not just about remembering the good times I had; it plays a very important role in some decisions I have made in the last couple of days.

*Lake Pokegema; Grand Rapids, Minnesota 1989

Middle of the Night Calls

This really has been the weekend for middle of the night calls for me. It all started on Thursday morning when one of my first shift techs called me at 6am. Friday morning I started getting calls at 7am. Friday night one of my techs called me at 4:30am to ask me a question that really could have waited until the morning and then this morning I got a call at 3:30am. Do you know how hard it is to wake up from a deep sleep and have to be able to make decisions?

Then this morning I got a call at 8:30am because there was an emergency situation at work. I jumped out of bed, got dressed and walked Sophie in less then 10 minutes. I ended up staying at work until close to noon. The tech that was there for the incident I took out to breakfast so she could process what happened. This tech told me that I was one of the best supervisors she has had and she also said that most of the techs love the fact that I will come in on the weekend or evenings to help them if a situation comes up. I was always taught that a good supervisor gets out there and works with you and doesn't just leave you hanging.

The last couple of weeks have been very stressful, so it was really nice hearing that this morning.

When I got home I was going to go to the pool, but I guess it's closed today. The complex held a huge pool party yesterday and even had one of those big bouncy things. I prefer the pool to be less crowded when I go, so I didn't go yesterday. I hope they are treating the pool today because there were a lot of people in it yesterday. This is the first weekend all summer that I have not gone at least one day. I am taking half a day on Friday, so I imagine I will spend most of the afternoon at the pool.

Yesterday when I was at Target I found a package of Mini-Marshmallows covered in Chocolate. If you like chocolate and marshmallows, I strongly discourage you from trying them. Oh.My.God. They are so good and so addictive. If you insist on wanting to to them, they are in the aisle with the hot chocolate. I can't wait to try them in my hot chocolate this fall.

I read a couple blogs from people that live in Alaska and most of them have talked about how cool the summer has been. Most places have only had 2-3 days where the temperature got above 60. Right now in Kansas City we are lucky if the lows are in the 70s. The only thing that gets me through these hot summers is knowing that fall is next.

A couple days I took the above picture of Sophie. She has taken to pulling all her toys out (she is very spoiled) and surrounding herself with them. When Ben tries to walk past her she then snaps at him, he goes running and she chases him. I am not sure what is funnier: the fact that Sophie keeps doing this or the fact that Ben falls for her trap every time.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

So Muggy

This morning when I took Sophie out for her walk it was so humid that you could literally see the moisture in the air. It was very "soupy" and down right miserable. I took this picture (of course after my lens was no longer fogged over) and if you look through the trees you can see the humidity.
My door handle as well as the lock were wet this morning. I don't remember the last time it was this humid. Since I hate the humidity as much as I do, I have no idea why I stay in Kansas City.
Here is Sophie's best "I am so done with summer" look. She feels better now that she got her haircut, but just like her Mama, she would rather it be snowing outside.

This morning I met a couple friends I used to work with. One of them I had not seen since I moved into my apartment and she brought me a small house warming gift. Apparently word is out that I live in a very small apartment:
I love this picture. Having grown up in a 5 bedroom house with my own walk in closet and own private bathroom, I am finding that even though I am living in a very small place, I have never been so happy about my home.

Last night I was looking through my old camp memory books and got a kick out of some of the pictures of me. You can see in the pictures how truly happy and content I was. I was thinking of doing a couple posts about the times I spent at camp and why I am feeling that for me to truly be happy, Kansas City prbably is not the place for me.

Friday, July 25, 2008

iPod my iPod

It's no secret that I love my iPod. In fact, I love it so much I named her Penelope. She is always with me, she helps me sleep at night, she helps me get through my workouts, and she makes the drive to and from work not that bad.

One of the things I love doing is making new play lists. I love looking back on my play lists and being able to see where I was in life. Tonight I created what I think is my best play list.

Do What You Have To: Sarah McLachlan
We Don't Need Another Hero: Tina Turner
Far and Away: Enya
Follow You Follow Me: Genesis
Good Enough: Sarah McLachlan
Life In a Northern Town: Sugar Land
Calling You: Blue October
You and Me and a Dog Named Boo: Lobo
Wild Child: Enya
The Best: Tina Turner
Anywhere Is: Enya
I Wish it Would Rain: Phil Collins
Far Away: Nickleback
No One: Alicia Keys
Got a Hold On Me: Christine McVie
I Love You: Sarah McLachlan
Viva la Vida: Coldplay
Won't Go Home Without You: Maroon 5
Underneath: Alanis Morissette

Interesting list isn't it? It seems there is a lot going on in my life. :)

Here's Your Sign

The parking lot at work is horrible. I usually don't like to go anywhere during the day because I will lose my spot in the shade. Well, last week I had to go somewhere and when I came back one of my co-workers had parked in my spot. I joked with him about taking my spot and he said that he didn't see a sign saying it was mine. Well, today I found this sign in front of my car:

As you will see in the next picture, it's not exactly a big sign:
My co-workers crack me up.

Today was a really good day at work. I felt like I got so much done and I just really felt really productive. I love leaving on Friday knowing that I don't have a pile of stuff waiting for me on Monday morning.

No big plans for the weekend. I am having breakfast with a couple friends tomorrow and that's about it. It's suppose to be really hot this weekend, so that means I won't be spending too much time outside.

What is everyone else doing this weekend?

Thursday, July 24, 2008

My Week

Here is what I have done this week:

I prayed.

I cried.

I daydreamed about moving to Alaska.

I was nervous.

I felt lost.

I wished I was at the lake.

But was OK with the pool.

I wished it was a snowy day.

I yelled.

I had a headache.

I felt embarrassed.

I smiled.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


This is one of my favorite pictures of Ben. To me it looks like he is peaking out to make sure the coast is clear. That's kind of how I feel right now. I am slowly peaking around the corner and checking to make sure I am OK.

When we are faced with life's challenges I think we learn a lot about not only those around us, but ourselves as well. To say the last month has been a challenge is probably the understatement of the year. I have tried to keep myself above water, but I have had several days where I go under and slowly see the surface disappearing. It's hard to predict what you would do in certain situations and I certainly was not prepared for this past month.

With everything I go through in life I try to figure out what lesson I need to be learning. For the last 29 days I have been trying to figure out what my lesson was suppose to be. I was betrayed on so many levels by someone that I felt was a friend and in just one instant how I dealt with things in the past was out there for so many people to know. I am working on not being ashamed of how I coped with the break-up and my family, but I feel that my choice to share it was stolen. Think about your deepest secret and now think about how it would feel if that secret was suddenly out there in the open.

One of the hardest things to do is to forgive someone that has really hurt you. The way I see it, I have two choices: I can continue to be angry with this person and give them the control or I can forgive them and let go and let God.

I am choosing forgiveness.


Sometimes in life you just need to_________.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

A Dogs Purpose

A Dogs Purpose: (from a 6-year-old point of view)
Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten year old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.

As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for 6 year old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience. The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded hm. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time. I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away. The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, "I know why." Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, "People are born so that they can learn h ow to live a good life--like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?" The 6 year old continued, "Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long."

Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
*When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
*Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride
*Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy
*Take naps
*Stretch before rising
*Run, romp, and play daily
*Thrive on attention and let people touch you
*Avoid biting when a simple growl will do
*On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass
*On hot days, drinks lots of water and lie under a shady tree
*When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body
*Delight in the simple joys of a long walk
*Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough
*Be loyal. Never pretend to be something you are not
*If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it
*When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently
*Always be grateful for a new day.

And always remember:
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.

Monday, July 21, 2008

It's Hot

It's hot outside. It's really hot. I think the high today was 97 and that doesn't include the heat index; which I am sure was well in the 100s. Two months from tomorrow is the first day of Fall. The only thing that makes me more excited is December 21; the first day of Winter.

Since I really don't have that much to say tonight, I leave you with a picture of my babies........

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Good Weekend for Some

It's been a good weekend, at least for me. The pets are another story.

Friday night I watched P.S. I Love You and loved it. A friend sent me a txt message during it and I told her I was watching it and I guess she didn't realize I had not finished the movie yet because she asked how I liked the end and then said what happened. Ha!

Saturday I worked for a couple hours, ran a couple errands and then came home and did nothing. Well, I did nothing after I worked out. Speaking of working out....I lost 3lbs this past week. Yay!! Only 47 more pounds to go. :)

Yes I had a great weekend, but my pets did not. Let's recap:

Friday AM: In my frustration with other things I yell and curse at Sophie. I feel guilty all day long. My guilt caused me to stop and buy her a new toy, she got a car ride to the convenience store and part of my dinner. All was well again.

Saturday AM: I take Sophie to the groomer and she is furious with me. I had a hard time getting her to get in the car and ended up losing my patience with her again. While she is at the groomer I feel guilty and stop and buy her a can of moist dog food. We make peace again Saturday night after she shares my dinner...again.

Saturday PM: I buy Ben a collar with a bell so I can hear if he is by the door when I leave. When I put the collar on him he starts thrashing around and gets his bottom teeth stuck in the collar. Thankfully the collar unlatched before he broke his jaw. After a few hours he decides I am safe again only to find out I was hiding the collar. I put it on him and he runs under the bed where he will spend the next two hours. I finally lure him out with the laser pointer. Peace was made when we went to bed and he curled up next to me laid his face on my hand.

I think everyone in my house hopes this week is better then last week.

*Picture of my Citronella candle

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Mr. I'm-Not-Happy

Someone is not happy.....
But notice that the bell from the collar. I made it a lot tighter and he has not messed with it. He's had it on for an hour and he has been under the bed for the last hour pouting.

Oh, and see that red thing in the picture.....that is the plastic ring that comes off of the litter bucket. Why is it I spend money on toys for them when they would rather play with big pieces of plastic?

Sophie, Ben & Bonk

Someone got a haircut today.
Isn't she adorable. I know she feels a lot better, but I know going to the groomer is kind of traumatic for her. Look at those eyes....Yea, she will probably be getting some of my dinner tonight.

Do you remember a few years ago when I lost Ben for a week?
Not knowing where he was for an entire week was horrible and it was one of the worst weeks of my entire life.

Well the last few days Ben has been trying to get outside so when I was out today I bought him a collar with a bell. Brady had one because he was always wanting outside. When I got home I tried to put the collar on Ben. Oh my God, you would think I was trying to kill him. He somehow got his bottom teeth stuck in the collar and started freaking out more. Do you guys have any suggestions for getting him used to the collar. I don't want to risk losing him again.

I am pretty confidant that Bonk can not hear at all. This morning she walked past me and I called her name and she just kept walking. Normally she stops when she hears her name. I then gave them a can of moist cat food and she normally comes running when she hears the can being opened, but she didn't budge from the bed. Overall, she is doing pretty good for a 21 year old cat. She still loves to play:
And most days I am pretty sure she is more active then 7 year old Ben.

Friday, July 18, 2008

End of a Long Week

Oh my gosh, I am so happy it's Friday. It's been such a stressful week and by last night I was feeling so stressed and anxious that I had a small breakdown. I ended having to call a couple people including Lynilu to get myself to calm down. Lynilu is so wonderful because she has this calming affect and when she tells me it's going to be OK, I believe her. I can't imagine my life without her.

When I got up this morning I was still feeling kind of stressed and anxious and as I was leaving Sophie kept getting into the cat food. I did something that I never do...I yelled and cursed at her. She stopped and just sat down. I felt guilty all day long. On my way home I stopped and bought her a new stuffed toy as a peace offering and she has gotten lots of treat tonight. I think she has forgiven me.

I took last night off from working out since I was so tired physically and emotionally. Here is my workout from today:
It's not my best workout, but it's still pretty good for being the end of a long week. Is it weird that I can't wait to work out now?

This machine is right in front of the machine I work out on.
I know I am totally acting like a teenage, but this really makes me giggle?

Thursday, July 17, 2008


Last night right before I went to bed I read the obituaries; as I do everyday. Every time I get close to the M's I kind of hold my breathe because I am worried that I will see that one of my parents has passed away. Well, last night I read that my late Grandma's (Mom's Mom) husband passed away on Sunday.

F became part of our family in 1985 when he married my Grandma. My Grandpa had passed away two years earlier and I loved the fact that my Grandma found someone. F was such a sweet and gentle person. And he was so good to my Grandmother. Whatever my Grandma wanted he got for her. For their honeymoon he took her to New Zealand because she had always wanted to go there. When F and my Grandma got married I was told that didn't have to call him Grandpa and I could call him by his first name if that made me feel more comfortable. I always did call him by his first name, but I know he looked at us kids (5 including my cousins) as his Grand kids. When I got married he said to me, "I know I have only been your Grandpa for ten years, but I love you very much." I really didn't know my Mom's Dad and have always referred to him as my Grandpa, but now that F is gone I wish I had called him Grandpa because he was exactly Grandpa. I know that is something he would have really wanted.

I am also sad that I was not notified by my family. Just a few weeks ago I read in the obituaries that my Great Aunt passed away. I know my family doesn't want anything to do with me, but I would appreciate if someone would let me know if someone passes away.

The Memorial Service for F is on Saturday. I know I would not be welcome if I went, but there is still part of me that thinks I need to say goodbye to my Grandpa.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

So Quiet

Here is another picture I took last night. If you click on it you will see the green in the trees. By putting the camera on night scape and then moving the camera as I take the picture makes these kind of pictures. I can't wait to do more pictures like this.

I have a lot going on at work right now and I have been feeling stressed. I am having to deal with some tech issues and I get so frustrated sometimes. Some of the techs don't seem to understand that I just want them come to work (on time) and just do their job. Really, how hard is that? And some of them are so rude to me. Do they understand that I pretty much work 24/7 or the fact I come to their defense with other employees? I guess it would just be nice if every once in a while they said "hey, thanks for all the work you do for us." A girl can dream I guess. :) I"ll have to make sure to tell my boss tomorrow, thanks for all the hard work you do.

They are in the process of repaving the parking lot in my complex and it really is a cluster fuck. I had to make sure that my car was moved by 8am otherwise they would tow it. They literally had tow trucks waiting to take away the cars that weren't moved. I wanted to wait around this morning to see how many they towed, but I had to get to work. Tonight I had to park about 1/2 mile away and then walk to my apartment and try not to cross the street and get tar all over my shoes. It was an adventure just getting to my apartment. It's just weird going outside because with no cars around it seems like a ghost town. Here are some pictures:

It's so quiet.

This & That

I discovered a new way to take pictures at night and this picture is the result of that. This was a picture of the trees in front of my house with the little bit of daylight that was left. Pretty cool, huh?

I have not seen my therapist in more then a month, but a couple weeks ago when things were kind of rough, I made an appointment for this Friday. Since things have cleared up a little I had decided to cancel my appointment. Well, I got an email from my therapist saying that he is moving to Springfield next month. Even though I don't see him on a regular basis anymore, my first thought was panic. I don't plan on finding another therapist because I feel like I am handling things pretty good, but it was still a comfort knowing he was there if something came up.

I am thinking about taking half a day on Friday. Little things at work have been stressing me out and I think I just need an afternoon where I lay by the pool listening to my iPod. Although I imagine I will work out before laying out at the pool. A week ago when I started working out again I told myself that I would work out every other day and well, that lasted about 10 hours. I ended up working out Friday and Saturday and took Sunday off. I worked out Monday and Tuesday and I had planned on taking tonight off, but I will probably work out. I don't think it would be a bad thing if exercise became my new addiction.

Is anyone else watching Tori & Dean? Can I tell you how much I love this show and how much I love Tori Spelling. She is just about the cutest thing out there. Her relationship with her Mom is very similar to the one I have with my Mom. It's interesting watching someone that feels the same way as I do.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

A Year From Now

This is one of my favorite views from work.

Today I was feeling kind of blah about a couple things and decided to go back and see what I was doing a year ago. As I was reading my posts from last July, I realized how much I have changed in one year.

When I first came out to my parents, one of the things my Mom said was, "You have changed from the Caroline we know." I used to argue with her and tell her that I hadn't changed and I was the same Caroline they have always known. But the truth is, I had changed.

I seem to be on a roll in making positive changes in my life and it really gets me thinking about how different my life will be a year from now. Who knows...I might just have a wife and kids.

Monday, July 14, 2008

A Bullet Kind of Day

*I am ready for summer to be over. Yes I love laying out by the pool and getting tan, but I would much rather it be fall or winter. I am ready for those evenings where you can leave the windows open. And of course I am ready for the holidays. I can't wait to decorate my apartment this year.

*My DVD player is not working. I can't just go out and buy another DVD player since this one came with the surround sound. The speakers work fine, but it's not reading the discs. I really miss listening to music in the mornings and now I suddenly see 5 movies that I would love to rent.

*I came across this Saturday morning:
All Jehovah's Witnesses carry this card so they do not receive a blood transfusion. The first 31 years of my life I carried this in my wallet. You were not suppose to go anywhere without it; even if you were just walking down the street. As much time as I spent being taught the ways of the witnesses, you would think I would know why they don't accept blood. Really, I couldn't tell you.

*I went to the dentist today to have my crown put on and for a cleaning. The dental hygienist did mention that my gums looked a lot better. She was so excited when I told her that I quit smoking. Hearing her tell me what it was doing to my gums today has helped me to really see the damage it was doing to me. It was also nice to have someone that doesn't even know me get so excited about me quitting smoking.

*I have gone back and forth about having a baby, but in the last couple of months I have felt this real desire to have a baby. I don't know if it is because there are like 3 people at work that are pregnant and several others that are trying, or maybe it's because I am finally ready to have a child. When I used to think about having a family, I always saw me as the one carrying the baby. I think I always worried about bonding with a child that I did not give birth and I think a lot of that is because of my relationship with my own Mom. A few weeks ago I realized that just because I don't have the best relationship with my Mom doesn't mean I wouldn't bond with a child that my partner gave birth to.

*I am exercising 30 minutes a day and have never felt better. It is amazing how much more I can do now that I am not smoking. When I used to go to the gym I would have a cigarette on my way there and as soon as I was done I would light up again. My poor lungs.

Sunday, July 13, 2008


It's been a good weekend and here's why:

Someone got a new toy.

Lots of sunshine...

.....after a rainy Saturday.

My complex has so many stray cats. I have done real well in not getting attached to them...
........until this weekend.
How in the world can I say no to these two cuties? One of my neighbors named the cat in the bottom picture Cally. Cally is pregnant....again. After she has this liter I may take her and get her fixed. I know there is a place in town where I could get her fixed for very little money.

It's also been a good weekend since I did not smoke and that makes me very happy.

How was your weekend?