Wednesday, April 30, 2008


Today I was well enough to go back to work. I was so tired after just getting ready to go to work, but once I got to work and started moving I was fine. And I actually feel better after work then I did before I went to work. I am still coughing a lot and my co-worker in the office next to me came and asked if I was OK during one of my coughing fits. But the end is in sight.

I really like where I am in life right now. Yes there are some ups and downs, but overall my life is very good and I am really happy. I have a great little apartment, a great job, wonderful co-workers and a group of friends that remind me each day that I am loved.

Speaking of friends:

MJ came over tonight to assist me in hanging up my window. I explained to her that she needed to bring whatever tools she would need because the only tool I had was a hammer. She laughed and said, "I already planned on doing that." It's good that my friends know me well enough that I don't have to explain much. Oh, and I also got to ride in her very cool new car.

And just as a reminder: my birthday month starts tomorrow. Yes, I do celebrate my birthday the entire month.

Tuesday, April 29, 2008


I am on day 4 of being sick and I feel only slightly better. I don't think I have as much head congestion, but I am still pretty congested in my chest. I am starting to cough and this stuff that I am coughing up is nasty. Every time I cough I am reminded why smoking is sooo bad for me. Again, I think this cold/cough is a blessing from God because I really see what I have been doing to my body.

A few weeks ago I was at MJ's house and she had a painted window in her living room. I feel in love with it and asked if she would make me one. Here is the one she made for me:
My kitchen has no window and is kind of dark, so I thought this would brighten up the room a little. Don't you just love the dragonflies?

I got some excellent advice today. I was asked why I why I would read blogs from people that I do not like. So I took this advice to heart and have decided to only read the blogs of people that I would want as friends in real life. I think it's important to remember (this goes for me as well) that blogs are just a small part of who someone is and if you don't like what you are reading, then why waste any time continuing to read.

Monday, April 28, 2008

My New Best Friend

Meet my new best friend.

It's official...I am sick. I have spent most of today in bed. It's nice finally being able to sleep since I really have not slept since Thursday night.

What started out as a cold has now settled in my chest and it hurts to breathe, sneeze and cough. So it pretty much hurts to do anything. If I am not feeling better by tomorrow morning I will probably go to the doctor to make sure that there isn't something else going on.

Last week was such a hard week in terms of wanting a cigarette. I think this is Gods way of showing me how bad smoking is. Right now the thought of a cigarette makes me want to throw up. (that's good isn't it?) Today is day 19 smoke free. I still can't believe I have gone almost 3 weeks with no cigarette. I think I might actually beat this addiction.

Sunday, April 27, 2008

Little House Story

While I wait for my cold medicine to kick in I have a funny story. Everyone knows how much I love Little House on the Prairie. In fact, some would say my love for Little House borders on obsessive. I could literally sit and watch it all day long. I have seen most of the episodes at least ten times and there are some that I could tell you what they are going to say before they say it.

Last night when I was working I decided to take in my Little House DVDs and have the clients watch it. One of the things we try to do is educate them and show them that they can have a good time without drugs and alcohol. I thought my Little House DVDs would be the perfect way to show them.

When I told them what we were going to be watching most of them could not believe they were going to have to watch Little House. Most said they hadn't watched it since they were a child and others said they wanted something with some action. I knew that I could win over a few of them and so I put in the DVD.

Like I suspected most of them loved it. The room was quiet and they were all leaning in trying to hear the TV. I kind of laughed to myself when I looked around the room and saw all these clients so into Little House. At one point something happened on the show and Caroline became upset with Charles. One of the clients said, " know she is about to kick Charles' ass". Yea, we still have a little bit of work to do.

Work, Being Sick, More Work

Last night my throat started hurting. I hoped it was not that big of a deal, but by this morning I knew I was getting sick. It really couldn't have come at worse time. I had to be at work at 7:30am and would work until 11am and then would come back at 4pm and work until midnight. So not feeling well was not in the plans and it really needed to wait another day.

I was OK in the morning, but just really tired. I could tell I was starting to get a fever and tried my hardest to ignore it. I got home around noon, took Sophie for a walk and laid down. I ended up sleeping for 3 hours and even then I had trouble getting out of bed.

When I got to work for part 2 of my day, I took my temp and it was 99.4. The person I was working with told me to go home, but I knew that I would probably need Monday off so I ended up staying. By the time I left I had a fever of 101. And now that I am home....I can't seem to fall asleep. You know that feeling of being so tired it's hard to fall asleep...yea, I think I passed that point around 10pm.

The good news is I am off until Tuesday. I was suppose to meet M&M at church tomorrow, but I really don't think I have the energy to.

I had done so well this winter in not getting sick, but this is the second time in the last month that I have been sick. What's up with that?

Friday, April 25, 2008

Blonde Moment

I admit that sometimes I do stupid things. When I was little my hair was blonde and sometimes I like to use that reason for some of the things I do. Today I had one of those moments.

I put in a work order for my A/C yesterday and they told me they would be out on Monday. So when I got home I was surprised to see that they had been here already. No my A/C was not broken...the filter was clogged. Do you know how stupid I feel? Part of me wants to find the guys that came to my apartment and explain to them that I have only had central air and this wall unit thing is all new to me. And as you can see from the picture, even the cats are laughing at me.

There are a lot of things that somehow I did not learn growing up. The next thing on my list of things to learn....

How to sew a button on a pair of my pants. (Hint Hint, MJ?)

Someone is Feeling Neglected

Someone told me last night that she suddenly feels neglected. Usually I talk about what Sophie and the cats are doing, but it seems I have been a little distracted. As you can see Sophie got her summer cut last weekend. I usually don't like her summer cut, but this time she looks really good. And I know she feels so much better.

Here are some other things going on in my life that don't involve M&M:

~The temps in KC have slowly gotten warmer and more humid. I am already miserable and counting down the days until fall/winter.

~I turned on my A/C last week and it seemed to be working just fine. But the more I have had it on the less cool it has been in my tiny apartment. AND it's so humid. I went and put in a work order and they will be out to look at it on Monday. Thankfully it's suppose to cool down this weekend, so it shouldn't be too bad.

~Work is keeping me very busy and I will be working most of Saturday. The good thing is I will be taking Monday off to make up for the extra time I am putting in. I LOVE having Mondays off.

~This week by far has been the worst for cravings and urges to smoke. But I just keep taking deep breaths and taking it minute by minute. Today is day 16 and I still can't believe I have made it this long.

~Today after work I have a therapy session and I really am looking forward to it. I have not seen my therapist since before I moved. I was suppose to see him the Friday when I was sick and then I rescheduled and somehow he overbooked and we never set up a new appointment.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Follow Your Own Path!

You have no idea how nice it is to write on my blog about something good instead of something sad. It's been a long and tough year.

I haven't blogged about this much lately (hmmm...I wonder why?), but tomorrow I will be 2 weeks smoke free. Today was hard because for some reason I really wanted a cigarette. I think the craving today was the worst I have had since I quit. I really am proud of myself and so happy that I finally had the courage to quit.

So I have thought long and hard about what to call her on my blog. I hate putting real names because I never know who is reading. I've thought about calling her my M&M since those are her initials. Another good reason for calling her M&M: both our last names start with M and we could refer to ourselves as M&M. Is this name stupid?

Speaking of M&M, things are going well. We are just taking our time and really getting to know each other. Like I said the other day, we do not make sense to the outside world, but really we are very similar. She says we are kindred spirits and I love it when she says that. She has the warmest smile when I first see her. And if we are around other people she does this thing with her eyes that just me all giddy. She loves to sleep and is blaming me for her not getting much sleep in the last week. We both have plans for Saturday and are already saying how much we will miss each other. She told me how comforting it is to have me sitting next to her in church. She told me last night that I will never be alone again. It all just seems so right and I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings for us.

Today at work someone put this message on my dry erase board. It was a good reminder that I need to do what makes me happy and it's OK to be unique in this world.

I love this feeling of being loved and happy.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Feeling Love

I don't know if this is true, but I once heard that Geese mate for life. Every time I drive past a Canadian Goose I always see two together. Very rarely have I seen one that is by themselves.

That is what I am looking for. I want to find that one person that wants to spend the rest of their life with me. I want someone that will stick around when the times get tough and not run away.

It's been difficult healing from that pain. I have always felt that at some point people will leave me. From the very beginning people have been walking away from me. It all started with my Birth Parents and the most recent have been Laura and my entire family. I often times wonder why it is so easy for some people to just walk away from me.

So why is it when I feel unconditional love it doesn't feel right and I try to fight it? I am thankful that she is being patient.

Many of you asked about details and unfortunately I am not wanting to share many details right now. The two of us are still trying to figure out the meaning of our mutual attraction. I have a feeling it's going to be a rough couple of weeks because it is very clear that we both have a lot of things to heal before we could move our relationship to the next level.

But I think we are both willing to hang in there and take it one day at a time and just really enjoy being friends right now. I like this approach because it really takes the pressure off.

I kept telling my friends that I was shocked over this and they all said, "Ok, Whatever..." As you can see I was in complete denial for a long time.

Say a quick prayer for me and her because right now we both can use some extra prayers. And BTW, I think it's time to come up with a name for her for this blog. Any suggestions?

As always, Love got me here and Love will get me through.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

What It's All About

I was raised to fear God. I was never taught that God was loving or that He loved me. My parents raised me with the fear that something terrible would happen to me if I ever disappointed God. Thinking about all of this makes me very sad for the young Caroline.

When I watch updates on the whole thing going on in Texas, I really feel sorry for the women. So many people are asking why they didn't do anything or why they didn't realize something was wrong. I don't think people realize how much you can be controlled by brain washing.

I grew up believing that there was something wrong with someone if they did not embrace the teachings of Jehovah's Witnesses. I felt I was better then all non-Witnesses and if you rejected the "truth" then I never looked at you the same. I was very judgemental and often times we would sit around with our parents making fun of different religions, cultural differences and gays/lesbians. I was taught from an early age that God had chosen me to be a Jehovah's Witnesses and I needed to be thankful for His choice. I was raised that the Devil was a real spirit and very much a part of the world. When I was a child I remember running up the stairs in complete fear because I felt that Devil was chasing me. When I told my Mom about this feeling I had she asked me if I had done something to disappoint God. I thought for sure God had send the Devil after me because of something I had done.

When you are raised in a religion that has fear as the core, it can devastate you in so many ways. Some people don't survive this devastation and there have been many times when I thought I was not going to survive. But somehow I did and I realized what it's all about.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Photo Saturday

There is a cemetery just down the road from my house and today I went there to take some pictures. I have this fascination with cemetery's and I think part of it is all the history.

Here are some photos I took today:

Overall today has been a good day, but something horrible did happen a few hours ago. I was sitting here with the window open when I heard what sounded like a cat fight in the woods. There are a million stray cats and I figured two of the cats were fighting. But the cries got louder and did not stop. When I opened my door I saw two dogs in the woods and I realized they were attacking one of the stray cats. I was literally paralyzed with fear and could not move. I knew at this point the cat was dead because the cries had stopped.

It was the most horrible thing I have ever seen and I can still hear the cat screaming. I wish people would be more responsible with their pets; both cat owners and dog owners.


Another good reason that I quit smoking:

There is no way I would have been able to afford to buy gas for my car and smoke. It was just a few months ago that I was talking about how crazy it was that gas was $3/gallon. If it gets much higher I am going to need to seriously look into taking the bus to work.

I had a wonderful time with my friend last night and we talked things out and I think we have come to an understanding. We had dinner at Olive Garden and oh my did the food taste good. Every time I eat it's like I am discovering food all over again.

As I was driving home I decided to stop by work for a little bit and ended up staying close to 2 hours and got a lot of work done that I didn't have time to do this past week. So I was pretty tired by the time I got home at 11pm. Actually I was tired when I left my friends house. After I left her house I stopped to get a Coke to wake me up and as I left I couldn't figure out whey it was so dark outside. After 3 blocks I realized I didn't have my headlights on.

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

Friday, April 18, 2008

Peaceful Friday


You guys are so wonderful. I appreciate all of your comments. I do know I am loved by so many and that love helps make up for all the hate that sometimes comes my way. I need to learn how to fight off that hate and more importantly how to build my faith in God more. I hate that my lack of faith in God's love is so fragile at times. I am hoping at some point in my life my faith will be stronger.

Yesterday was just not a good day and part of it was a disagreement I had with a friend. This is a new friend that I believe is struggling with her sexuality and she was very honest with me yesterday and it ended up hurting both of us. We are going to get together tonight to discuss this more because I think we both want to remain friends, but I can not be friends with her if she continues to hurt my feelings. And I don't think she hurts them on purpose, she is only doing what she has learned to do. Make sense?

Yesterday I got a comment from someone named "God" and said they hated me. My first thought was that it was my brother, but when I went and looked at my tracker I think this comment came from someone in Australia. As someone told me today, that person probably has a greater chance of God hating them, then God hating me. What is the first thing God told us to do: Love One Another.

Sophie is getting a haircut tomorrow and we are both happy about that. It is getting a little warmer here and I know she is starting to get miserable. I am not sure what is up with her lately: Last night I woke up and she had thrown up. Once I got up I realized she had actually thrown up twice. I am thinking she just ate too much last night. She got me up again around 6am. As we were walking we saw our neighborhood friends The Deer. We both just stood there and watched them eat leaves off the trees. I am not sure who was more interested in them; me or Sophie. It is so peaceful watching the deer first thing in the morning. It was so quiet and still this morning. Maybe it's a good thing that Sophie gets me up before rest of the people in our complex get up.

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Other then Sophie's haircut I don't have that much planned which is exactly how I like it.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

I Need a Reminder

Ever have one of those days where nothing seems to go right?

I feel like I have disappointed so many people today. I wish I didn't have such high expectations of myself because I always seem to let myself down when I don't reach the unrealistic goals.

As I was driving home I just kept thinking of my Mom. I was talking to a friend today and she said that she never doubted her parents love and knew they loved her to pieces. It's sad because I never felt this from my parents. I knew they loved me, but I felt they only did because they had to. Why is it so hard for me to heal from my parents rejection?????

The intense pain and sadness I feel from being kicked out of my family is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. And I hate that I feel embarrassed about being kicked out of my family. I feel like I have done something wrong, even though I know I haven't. But sometimes I wonder what others think when they hear I have no contact with my family. I guess it really shouldn't matter.

I can handle the fact that some people can not love me because I am gay. I can even handle the fact that my family can not love me because I am gay. But when I think about God and if God loves me, I don't think I could handle it if I knew God did not love me because I am gay.

Please remind me that God still loves me even though I am gay.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Where Are You?

I am almost done with day 8 of not smoking. This time is so different then last time. I remember "relapsing" around day 7 or 8 last time and I found the blog post from that day. Oh, I was so sad and really not committed to not smoking. I used to be so afraid that life would no longer be fun if I was not smoking. I am happy to report that life is just as good now that I am not smoking.

I still struggle sometimes with having an urge to smoke. I don't think I am craving a cigarette anymore, but my mind is still trying to break the habit of smoking. I have known people that have smoked for decades and quit and I can only imagine how hard that was. I only smoked for 7 years, but it became such a huge part of my life. And to think that this horrible habit started all because of a girl. Ahhhh...I will never try to impress a girl by smoking again. And the thing that sucks...I didn't get the girl anyway.

Speaking of girls...I really think I am ready to start dating again. I am finding that I really love my life, but sometimes wish there was someone special in my life to share all this happiness with. My favorite part of a relationship is when the "newness" is gone and you are able to relax. I have always said that there is nothing better in the world then coming home after a long day to a home filled with love. I really miss being close to a woman. There is nothing better then the softness of a woman or the way a woman smells. For the 5 years I was married to my ex-husband I hated cuddling and being close to him. But the first time I was close to a woman it all made sense why I didn't like being close to a man.

I believe she is out there and eventually I will understand why I had to go through so much to find her. Now if I could just figure out where she is..........

Andrew Johnston

I saw this clip on Good Morning America this morning and was simply amazed. Sometimes success really is the best revenge.

Starting Today

Finish this sentence....

Starting today I will_________________.

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Cranky Tuesday

Today has been a long day. Last night I did not sleep well at all. I am very lucky because I have never had sleep problems; either falling asleep or staying asleep. Last night around 11pm I felt like I was having a panic attack, which is something that does not happen that often. The panic attacks I have had in the past are always calmed down by smoking. So last night I struggled to stay calm without my usual coping skills. I finally laid down around midnight, but was up 2-3 times before I feel asleep around 1am. But I couldn't stay asleep. I was up at least once an hour and around 4am I woke up coughing and couldn't stop. When I have had coughing spells in the past smoking has always calmed the coughing down. Thankfully some water helped. Then Sophie got me up at 6am to go outside and I decided to just stay up. has been a struggle. I am tired, crabby and just not in a good mood. I have no idea where this panic attack came from because I was having a really good night last night. It's probably just my mind playing tricks on me making me think I need to smoke.

I also get stop worrying about my best friend and if I have upset her in some way. I know this is just the way she is and sometimes she just becomes very distant with me, but eventually comes back around. I told myself that I was not going to email or call her, but I found myself emailing her this morning. I put on my happy face (I am really good at that) and asked her how her weekend was, etc. I did say that I had not smoked in one week. I have yet to hear from her.

We are having beautiful weather here, so tonight I am going to take Sophie for an extra long walk and maybe even order dinner in instead of cooking something.

Thank you guys so much for going over and making MJ feel welcome. And if you haven't yet, be sure to say HI to her.

*Picture taken last week as a storm was coming in*

Monday, April 14, 2008

New Blogger

OK, I have been waiting for two days to post this and I am so excited that I finally can.

I have a friend that just started up a blog and I would love it if you guys would make her feel welcome in the world of blogs.

So stop wasting time and rush over to say HI to my friend and her cowboy.

Birthday Girl

Happy Birthday to You.
Happy Birthday to You.
Happy Birthday dear Lynilu
Happy Birthday to You.

Be sure to go over to her blog to wish her a Happy 29th Birthday!!

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Taking Back My Health

I have always had problems with how I feel about my body and I know it goes back to how my Father would talk to me about my weight. I was not an overweight child and even as a teenager I was not overweight. I did the typical things that teenagers did and ate lots of junk. But I was so active that it didn't matter. My Dad was always so harsh and always made me feel like I was fat. Here is a picture of me when I had just turned 21:
I was probably a size 12 or 14; which is the perfect size for my body. Looking back at pictures of myself during that time I wonder how in the world I could think I was fat. But I guess when you are told over and over again that you need to be on a diet then you start to believe it. The first time I went on a diet I was 15 years old. My parents thought I was too fat and took me to one of those clinics for a liquid diet. It was horrible. I remember sitting at the lunch table in high school drinking my chicken broth while everyone else had normal lunches. One week when I went to weigh in I had only last 1/2 pound and the lady asked if I had eaten anything. I confessed to having some cheese from a friends salad. The lady looked at me and said if I wanted to lose this weight I would have to follow the diet with no cheating. I have no idea how or why my parents would submit me to this because sadly this affected me my entire life.

Within 6 months of getting married I put on about 40 pounds. I now know why I gained all that weight; I was miserable. I often times wonder how my life would have turned out differently if my parents had encouraged me to be who I am and to love myself. I guess I can't expect them to teach me that when they couldn't even do that for me.

Last week when I decided to quit smoking I made a decision to take back my health. Last January I tried to take back my health and lost a lot of weight. But when Laura and I broke up I had other things to worry about. Now that things have calmed down I feel like I am ready to get healthy again, this time for good. And quitting smoking was just the beginning. I think for so long I figured that since I was smoking it didn't matter what I ate since I was destroying my body anyway.

I told Lynilu tonight that I really have no appetite. I find this so amazing because most people eat a lot when they quit smoking. Not me; in fact I am finding that I am having to force myself to eat. I have been taking my lunch 4 days a week and just eating out once. Not only is this good for my health, but it really nice for my pocketbook.

Tonight I spent an hour getting all my fruits and vegetables ready for the work week. As I looked in my fridge I couldn't believe this was my fridge I was looking in. And to prove that it is mine, I took a picture:
It amazes me that 80% of my fridge is healthy food. It feels good taking charge of my health.
Sophie was very curious about why I was standing with the fridge wide open taking pictures. One thing I have learned about Sophie is she loves lettuce. When I am cutting up my lettuce she sits there patiently waiting for me to throw her a few pieces. Looks like I am not the only one ready to get healthy.

Another Smoke Free Day

I made it to day 4 of not smoking. I think yesterday was the hardest day of all. The cravings were horrible and I had them most of the day. So I tried to keep myself busy most of the day. And when I ran out of things to do I took a nap. I knew yesterday was going to be a challenge because I really didn't have anything planned. But I did it and I am proud of myself.

Most people worry about gaining weight when they quit smoking and that was a concern for me, but would you believe I have lost weight? In the last week I have lost 4 pounds. For some reason I really don't have an appetite and I know all the walks I am taking Sophie on is helping me. I think it really helped that I did research on how to deal with the cravings and what happens with your body chemistry when you quit smoking. I felt so much more prepared this time.

Sophie has been eating the same dog food for the last 8 years and I finally admitted that she is getting older (she will be 10 in June) and switched her food to Senior. And I also switched her to Nature's Choice dog food. Well, Sophie is not happy and has hardly eaten since yesterday. I even mixed the new and old food, but she still refuses to eat. It was sad finally admitting that Sophie is getting old. I wish I could figure out how to make her live forever because I can not imagine my life without her.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Sunday. I am off to spend the day with friends; one of which is wanting to set up her own blog. More on that later.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

He's Back

Look who is back!! As usual he has made a very graceful return.

Remind me again why I miss my family.

As much as I want a cigarette, I know smoking one will not make the pain my family continues to put me through any better.

Random Thoughts

~So I have made it past the critical 72 hour period. It seems the cravings for a cigarette are a lot worse today. I am even thinking about going into work for a few hours today to get my mind off of smoking. I know I have come too far to turn back now and I am determined never to smoke again.

~Last night my co-workers and I got together and had a blast. I can always count on a good laugh when I am around them. One of my co-workers brought this awesome Reuben dip. If you love Reuben sandwiches, you will love this dip.

~Last night I took Sophie out for her last walk around 12:30am. As I walked past this one apartment it was very obvious that someone was having a very good time.

~I am not sure what is up with Sophie, but 3 times this week she has got me up around 6:30am to go outside. It was so much easier when I just had to open the back door and let her out. Now I have to actually get dressed when she needs to go potty.

~Barry Manilow is coming to concert at the end of this month. I really want to go, but can't seem to find anyone that wants to go with me.

~I still upset with my best friend because her lack of support in terms of me quitting smoking. When I think back to all that I have supported her through and then for me to have such a general "good luck on your smoking ban" really hurt my feelings. But then I feel guilty for being upset because I wonder if I am just being too sensitive.

~I started out the week by thinking I would not tell anyone besides a few people that I had quit smoking. Well, it seems I can't keep my mouth shut because I have told a lot of people that I have quit. I was worried that by telling people I would look like a fool if I failed, but it seems that by telling others it has actually motivated me more.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Happy Birthday A

(Photo removed)

My nephew A is 6 years old today. I hope he realizes how much I love him and miss him. The last time I was with A he was 2 1/2 and was sitting on my lap sucking his thumb and playing with my hair. (He loved playing with hair)

Happy Birthday A. Even though your Aunt Caroline is not right there with you, I am always in your heart and I know one day you will know the truth as to why you were kept from me.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Hanging in There

Sophie and I went out for a walk tonight and ended up running back because of the lightening (I have this fear of being struck by lightening) and the storm blowing in. Once we were safe inside what did I do? Of course I went and grabbed my camera.

Tonight as Sophie and I were running back to our apartment I realized that just 3 days ago I probably wouldn't have been able to run as fast as I did. I still wasn't real fast, but I at least was able to run without running out of breathe.

It really is amazing what just 2 days of not smoking has done for the good. I am smelling things that I probably have not been smelling for years. I wonder if this is what pregnant women go through? Food is tasting so much better. If you have ever smoked pot you know that food always tastes sooo good after smoking a joint. Well, it's like I am discovering the new and wonderful taste of food. Even my salad at lunch tastes really good.

Now if I could just get over being so irritated and having no patience. I literally thought I was going to kill the guy in the office next to me today. All he was doing was using the vacuum, but it was driving me nuts. It seems that my hearing seems to be more sensitive as well. Is this normal???? Any loud noises just drive me crazy.

I am still working on realizing that life will still be fun as a non-smoker. When I think about things in the future, I get this panic feeling wondering how I will be since I will not be smoking. For example: usually I am thrilled that it's the weekend, but tonight I am thinking "what will I do this weekend?" It's not like all I did was smoke on the weekends, but it's so hard changing a huge part of my life. But like I tell my clients everyday, I am just going to take it one moment at a time.

And I appreciate all of you hanging in there while most of my posts are about quitting smoking. Hopefully I will soon be able to focus on something other then the fact that I am not smoking.

Hey, I just heard on the news that we are expecting snow this weekend? Yea, that could get my focus off of not smoking. :)

26 hours

So I have made it to day 2 without smoking. Last night when I got home I took Sophie for a nice long walk and then had dinner. After dinner I looked around like, "now what?" It is amazing how much smoking has become a part of my routine and habit. I kept having to remind myself that I was not needing a cigarette. But it is really hard to break this habit, but I am determined to for good this time. Be sure to go over and give Sandra some encouragement as well. She decided to quit with me and is one day behind me.

Last night I laid down around 6:30pm and slept for about an hour. Part of me feels like I have a lot energy, but I also feel very tired. Not too sure how that is happening. I slept really good last night and woke up around 6:15am to the sounds of thunder. I jumped out of bed and took Sophie for her morning walk. I knew we were expecting some heavy rain and I didn't want to take her out when it was pouring. I then came back to bed for an hour.

This morning my cable box was not working. I was thinking that I was going to need to leave work early because I have been having trouble with my box lately and I was just going to trade it in for a new one. I knew that trading in my box meant I would lose all the saved shows (about 8 hours). I called Time Warner and apparently they are having problems with all the cable boxes. So I am happy that I will not lose my saved shows, but I pray that it's working when I get home. I am not too sure I can handle not smoking and no TV.

I have already noticed some small differences with me not smoking. My breathing is not as labored and I feel "calmer" over all. I still feel some anxiety, but I don't feel like I am always out of breathe. And walking Sophie seems to be a little easier. I just look forward to the day when I will do something and not think about smoking.

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

One Word

Good news: I am still smoke free.
Bad news: My moods/emotions are all over the place.

I took this from Katie. Your answers can only be one word. Like Katie said, it's harder then you think.

1.Where is your mobile phone? Table
2.Your significant other? Waiting
3.Your hair? Thick
4.Your mother? Depressed
5.Your father? Rigid
6.Your favourite thing? Music
7.Your dream last night? Forgot
8.Your favorite drink? Water
9.Your dream/goal? Peace
10.The room you’re in? Living
11.Your ex? Liar
12.Your fear? Fire
13.Where do you want to be in 6 years? Here
14.Where were you last night? Home
15.What you’re not? Afraid
16.Muffins? Blueberry
17.One of your wish list items? Camera
18.Where you grew up? Suburbs
19.The last thing you did? Walk
20.What are you wearing? Pj’s
21.Your TV? On
22.Your pets? Love
23.Your computer? Laptop
24.Your life? Good
25.Your mood? Anxious
26.Missing someone? Yes
27.Your car? Perfect
28.Something you’re not wearing? Socks
29.Favorite Store? Many
30.Your summer? Hot
31.Like someone? Yes
32.Your favorite color? Blue
33.When is the last time you laughed? Today
34.Last time you cried? Today
35.Who will/would re-post this? Unknown


Day one is going pretty good. I had my last smoke on my way in today and it almost made me sick. When I got to work I threw all my lighters in the big dumpster and did not regret it at all. I have had the munchies all day, but I am trying to not eat too much.
Emotionally I am doing pretty good. I really don't feel like I am being forced to quit or I am giving up something I really love. I had gotten to the point where I was not enjoying smoking. It was making me so tired in the afternoons. It's great because right now I feel like I already have more energy.

I did tell my best friend that I was quitting and her only response was, "Good luck on your smoking ban." WTF does that mean? I don't know if I am being overly sensitive, but I guess I was hoping for a little more then what she said. I think she is upset with me and I am not too sure why. I hate when someone is upset with me and I have no idea why.

I have a feeling that Sophie and I will be going on lots of walks tonight, which she is going to love. Thankfully it's not raining like it was yesterday.

Tuesday, April 08, 2008

The Day Before

I can't believe I keep forgetting to tell you what I found outside my front door last week.
The previous night I was walking Sophie and we kept hearing something walking in the wooded area right in front of our apartment. At first it sounded like someone was out there so we quickly got inside. The next morning I heard the same movement and couldn't believe what was just a few feet in front of me. I got Sophie inside before she scared them away and I went and grabbed my camera. There were at least 5 deer. Sadly I have not seen anymore since then, but it's cool knowing they are out there and so close.

It seems that tomorrow will be the day when I stop smoking. I am down to less then a pack of cigarettes and I really feel ready. I have only shared with two people IRL what my plans are because I don't want to set myself up to fail. If I told you that I was not scared or a little sad, I would be lying. But a couple things have helped me decide that I have no other choice. One of them was my friend Amy's comment about her Dad dying from cancer. It really made me think when she said, "imagine only having 15 more years." (Her Dad passed away at 49) No, I can't imagine if I only had 15 years and if I keep smoking then that is a possibility. The other thing came from a video I was watching with our clients. In the video it said that humans are the only species that inhale smoke rather then run from it. Makes you think, doesn't it?

Last night we had our first thunderstorm of the spring. Everything sounded so different in our new home. Even the way the ground would shake was different. I am so used to hearing the rain and thunder, but really it was not that bad last night. Apparently it was a pretty loud storm, but to me it was just a small storm. I like feeling kind of protected during storms. One of my fears is being struck my lightening, so it was nice knowing I am on the bottom floor.
I took this picture of Ben tonight and thought it was cute. Since my coffee table is too big to be in front of the couch I have it across the room in a corner. I use this chair to put my laptop on and Ben has decided this is his spot. He gets so upset when he has to move. I tend to keep the laptop on my lap longer because I hate making him move. I do love having him so close though.

Please keep me in your thoughts as the next couple of days could be a little rough. But I know I can do it!!

Monday, April 07, 2008


I don't even like basketball, but wow....what a game. I am so proud to be a Jayhawk.

What a Day....

Today has been a rough day and I am not too sure why. I did wake up twice last night with horrible stomach cramps and then I had to spend some time in the bathroom. Not too sure what is going on with that. Plus I have had a headache since Saturday; which I know is related to my monthly visitor.

Then I decided last night to add the fact that I am going to quit smoking. I am not too sure what motivated me, but those that know me know that when I decide something there is no turning back. I wish I could say what made me suddenly (and apparently out of nowhere) decide to quit smoking. I kind of got a panic feeling today, but worked my way through it. Sandra asked if she could join me on my adventure of becoming a non-smoker, which I think is a wonderful idea. I have 2 packs of cigarettes left, so when those are done; I am done. I am thinking sometime Wednesday I will smoke my last cigarette. I am hoping to get a couple days in before the weekend. I have told one co-worker who quit in December about my plans. I decided not to tell anyone else because I don't want any pressure. L told me that I need to look at it as if I can smoke, but I am choosing not to. I like that attitude and will use that a lot. I also used one of my worry stones today in hopes I can get some extra help.

Do you remember my neighbor that complained about Sophie barking? I can't remember if I told you guys this, but I wrote him a note a couple days later and left it on his door. In the note I apologized for her barking and gave him my cell phone number and asked him to call me if he had any other concerns. I have not seen him since then; although I know he is there because his car is there and I hear him walking around.

So tonight as I got home he pulled in at the same time. I asked him if he got my note and he said Yes. We talked a little and he was kind of defensive with me saying "any barking is too much when I am trying to get some sleep." I remained calm and he slowly calmed down. He then went on to tell me 1) He is bipolar and has trouble sleeping 2) He is on two different medications for his bipolar (and he is on some really strong medication). I think this explains a lot. He thought it was interesting that I was a social worker and I explained that I understood his disease and that I would be more alert and careful at any of Sophie's barking. I did tell him to call me next time he has any problems. He agreed he would and he admitted he felt bad for turning me into the manager for something dogs just do.

He also told me about the person that lived in my apartment before me. Apparently she was a prostitute. Oh.My. He said that she came up to his apartment and offered him "services" and he turned her in which got her evicted.

What a day this has been. At least I feel better having talked to my neighbor. He seems a lot calmer and was even nice to me at the end of our conversation. I kind of feel sorry for him because he really seems to be struggling with his bipolar. Of all the mental illness', I think bipolar is one of the hardest to have and maintain a normal life.

E.T. Found

Apparently ET was found in Arkansas cooking Meth.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

Here We Go Again

I am ready to quit smoking. I am ready again to make it a goal to quit smoking.

I have been thinking about it seriously for the last couple of months and now that things are more calm I feel this is something I can do. In August 2006 I quit for 3 weeks and it was tough. The first couple of days were easy, but it was after that where it got hard and when we went on vacation I gave up and started smoking.

But I need to quit for my physical health. I feel like crap most of the time and I know it is because of all the poisons I am putting in my body. It has caused me so many dental problems and I am sick of it.

I will be saving at least $100/month being a non-smoker. The money I will be saving I can put towards the camera I really want.

I am thinking that while I am home, every time I want a cigarette I will take Sophie for a walk. I think that will help me get my mind off of smoking and I know Sophie will love it. But my work can be very stressful, so I am trying to come up with things to do when I am at work and really want a smoke. Do you guys have any suggestions?

I am going to start reading the book The Easy Way to Quit Smoking again and hopefully by the end of the week I will be smoking my last cigarette.

Grocery Prices

I have realized lately how much the cost of groceries is going up. The last six months or so I have noticed the prices going up slowly, but it seems that in the last month there has been a huge increase.

I decided that I would buy each of our residential units some fruit. Our agency does not get that much fresh fruit, so when the clients do get it they are very happy. For $30 I got 2 bags of oranges and 2 bags of apples. To me that is insane. The last time I bought a big bag of oranges it was $2.99. Yesterday I paid $6.78 per bag.

I have no idea how families are doing it with the prices of groceries going as high as they are. What's sad is, the food that is best for you is the most expensive and most low income families simply can not afford fruits and vegetables.

I am thankful that I can still afford fresh fruits and vegetables, but if the prices continue to rise I will not be able to afford them.

Have you guys noticed the same increase in groceries?

Saturday, April 05, 2008

Jayhawk Blue

Part one of my prayer has been answered.

Did anyone catch the very sad look on Roy's face at the end? Poor guy, should have stayed in Lawrence.

P.S. This post is for my anonymous commenter from North Carolina. Looks like the sky is truly Jayhawk Blue.

*Picture taken March 2006 in Lawrence


Bobbi asked me how my postcard project was going. I am sorry that I have not wrote about this before, but it is going great. I have received 4 postcards from this person, this person, this person and this person personally brought me hers.

The cards I have received so far are simply amazing. I am so honored that people have taken the time to personally design a card for me. My boss' is very creative and has a whole room of scrap booking materials, so she told me once I have received all my cards to bring them over with my frame and she'll help me put the collage together. BTW. she thought it was so cool what you guys are doing for me.

It's not too late to make a card for me if you are wanting to. Just let me know if you are planning on doing one and I will look for them in the mail. Here is my address again:

C*aroline Murphy
10011 Bennington Ave.
Kansas City, MO 64134

Thank you again for helping me with this project. I can't wait until I get the collage put together and can hang it in my home. You guys have no idea how much your words encourage me.

After Thought

Ever since I put up that post last night I have been feeling guilty. I am not too sure why, but I feel that maybe it was unfair because she did not have a chance to defend herself in a fair way. But I am going to leave it up anyway, because after all, it is the truth and something inside needed to get it out.

But I read this blog post this morning and it got me thinking.

Yes Laura betrayed me in ways that no one ever has, but she was also played a very important role in my growth as a person. I truly believe that if it weren't for her I would not have had the courage (BTW, thanks for the card Traci) to stand up to my family and church and chose me for the first time.

My heart broke into a million pieces, but sometimes what you create from a million pieces is so much more beautiful then the original.

Friday, April 04, 2008

So Many Lies

I hate when I find out that people have lied to me. I have always tried to be honest in all I do and I guess I just don't understand why some people feel they need to lie; even about small things.

In the past few weeks I have learned exactly how much Laura lied to me. I don't want to go into detail how I found out, but I trust my sources. Here is the sad thing, I knew she was a liar when we first started seeing each other. I don't know why I chose to look away from her many little white lies, but I did. And each time she was caught in a lie I allowed her to get away with it. Usually I would not confront her on the lies because the few times I did she made me feel so bad for questioning her. One time I caught her in a lie and she started crying and sat out on the deck for an hour by herself. When I tried to talk to her she made it seem like it was my fault that she lied. I quickly learned that it was best if I would just not say anything.

I think I am most angry at myself for putting up with all those lies. I think it goes back to my self worth. I felt at the time that I was extremely lucky to have someone as physically beautiful as Laura and I knew that this was my one chance to be with someone that was (in my opinion) absolutely beautiful. I was so proud to be with Laura and so happy that she picked me. I just couldn't believe that someone as beautiful as Laura would want to be with me.

Her lies cost us thousands of dollars. No wait, her lies cost me thousands of dollars. When Laura and I got together I only owed $57,000 on the house. Less then three years later I owed $111,000 on the house and most of the equity went to clear up her messes (lies). Her lies started on day one and I am sure she continues to lie to this day.

When Laura and I first got together she had this whole story about why she split from her previous girlfriend. For years she sucked me into those stories, but now I see that they were all lies.

For months and months I wondered why Laura and I ended the way they did. But she lied really well. Just two weeks before the break-up Lynilu came to visit and stayed with us for 4 days and I am pretty confident that she didn't notice anything. Four days before the break up I did a post about finding the outfit for our commitment ceremony and having found the words for our vows. Then out of nowhere all the lies came to light.

It was like I was literally blinded by what had happened. I could not see anything and as most of you know, it took me months to finally see the whole picture. Finally at some point I realized why all this happened.

But I am thankful for what happened last year. I am thankful that I do not have to live my life with someone that I don't trust. When Laura left she one of the things she said was, " you never trusted me." I think she is right. How can you trust someone that lied to you from day one? I don't know about anyone else, but I can't trust someone like that.

I am not surprised that her lies continue today. I really feel sorry for her partner S. From the very beginning of their relationship Laura lied to her. Even after they started seeing each other, Laura continued to lie. When Laura came to town last May she took me out to dinner for my birthday, gave me a nice card and a gift. She told me not to mention anything because she had not told S that she was taking me out for my birthday.

I just learned of more lies that Laura told at the beginning of her relationship with S. Part of me feels sorry for S (not too much though) and the other part of me is laughing. I wonder if Laura's ex before me felt the same way as I do right now.

The best piece of advice I ever got was:
You don't have to have a good memory if you always tell the truth.

Let Us Pray

Our Father, who art in Lawrence,
Hallowed be thy Game.
Thy tourney come,
Thy championship will be done,
In San Antonio as it is in Allen Field House.
Give us this day our deserved victories.
And forgive us our turnovers,
As we forgive Roy who double-crossed against us.
And lead us not into defeat,
But deliver us from East Coast bias,
For Kansas is the basketball kingdom,
And the tradition,
And the glory,
For ever and ever.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Fun Night

Thank you so much for your input on my last post. I decided to say what I want on my blog and if someone is upset at it, then I can't worry about it. My blog-My space. End of discussion. I will probably do a post tomorrow night about what I have been thinking about.

I went out after work with my boss and a co-worker. My co-worker works on the weekends at the best Mexican restaurant in KC and with her discount it's super cheap. It's been a long week at work, so tonight was just what we all needed. But I did learn some interesting things tonight.

~Apparently I am not a "typical" lesbian. I guess all the lesbians that my boss and co-worker know are real superficial and into themselves. I guess I am glad they don't consider me a typical lesbian.

~Food always tastes better when it's almost free.

~When your medication says "Alcohol may intensify affect"; believe it. I had ONE Corona and felt like I had 3. I am not a huge drinker, but it even surprised me that just one made my head spin. My boss and co-worker were laughing at me. I am glad I was able to provide them some entertainment tonight.

~Everyone at work has picked up on how I remember dates. They laughed when I told a story and gave the date and they said they don't know anyone that remembers dates as well as I do.

~All 3 of us want kids one day and we decided that we should try to get pregnant around the same time. They both agree I could do it on my own and they would help. Um...we'll see about that.

~My co-worker talks really fast when she drinks.

It was a good night and love that my boss,co-worker and I can hang out when we are not at work. All the managers are getting together next Friday night for a birthday celebration. If I drink maybe I should plan on having one of them drive me home.

Well, I am going to watch Oprah. I can't wait to see the Pregnant Father and what he has to say. I find this story so fascinating.


The one thing that I love about my blog is the fact that I feel that it's a safe place for me to work through my feelings and emotions. It hasn't always been that way and it's just been in the last year that I have felt that I can be completely honest here.

I have something that I want to vent about and try to work through my feelings, but I wonder if I should really do that. For me just putting it out there allows me somehow to get over it and get past it. But I sit and worry because the person that I need to vent about may or may not read this blog. I am still trying to figure out if this person reads my blog, but have not had any confirmation. My gut is telling me that even if this person is not reading then someone close to them is reading and passing on to her what I am writing about.

But this is my blog and I should be able to put the truth out there even if this person would not want me to talk about it. And the feedback I get from all my readers really does help me to sort through things.

I really don't know what to do....

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

I Go Back

I was just sitting in my office (working on my evaluations) when a Keith Urban song came on the radio and it took me back almost 4 years ago. Laura and I had been dating for 3 months and we took a weekend trip together. As we were driving this song came on the radio and I remember looking over at Laura watching her sing and thinking how happy and lucky I was.

For some reason today hearing that song caused this huge sadness and my heart literally felt like it was breaking all over again.

I do not want Laura back (especially after this past year and all the events), but I am sad about how things ended and how betrayed I was in the end. I am sad that I gave my heart and soul to someone that had no right to have it in the first place. I am sad that I loved someone more then I loved myself.

I used to think that I was so lucky to have someone as beautiful as Laura and wondered how that worked out because I have never found myself that attractive. When we broke up I thought that I would never find someone as beautiful as she was. And still today I wonder if I will ever find someone as beautiful as I thought Laura was. I used to be so proud that she was my partner.

And now things are so different. I still think Laura is pretty, but her personality really makes that beauty fade...a lot.

I normally love hearing songs that take me back to good times, but when the good times are now overshadowed by lies and deceit, it's no fun going back.

This & That

I took this picture of Ben a few weeks ago and I did not mean for it to turn out this way and in fact I almost deleted it. But looking at it now I think it's a pretty cool picture.

Ben is doing so much better. Right after Lynilu went home and Sadie left Ben would not leave my side. It helped that I was home sick for 4 days and he was able to snuggle with me all day. When I would watch TV in the evenings he would have to be right there on me. I love Ben, but I was starting to feel smothered and was having to tell him NO when he would want to once again sleep on my chest. Well, I am happy to say that Ben is feeling a lot more secure and does not have to be next to me all the time.

Bonk continues to be the best cat ever. She has started sleeping with me at night. She never been one that likes to cuddle, but now is sleeping right next to me so I can pet her as I fall asleep. When I wake up in the mornings Bonk is usually asleep on the pillows next to me.

I have been working really hard at work today trying to get caught up on my evaluations that I need to complete. I had 6 to do today and have already completed 3. Yay. I think I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am not sure what is wrong because usually I do not put things off like this.

Hey can you guys do me a favor. One of my favorite bloggers is having a hard time right now and I know that it would really help her if we left her some encouraging comments. This is the blogger that has somehow talked me into going to Minnesota next winter to jump in a frozen lake. Yes, I am crazy.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

My Readers~Update

I have so many wonderful readers. I still can't believe how many people visit my blog each day. I have been averaging 120 hits a day and close to 4,000 for the month. I still can't believe so many people find my life somewhat interesting.

I often wonder where my readers live. I wonder how many different states are represented from my readers and how many readers do I have that are from outside the United States.

So here is your chance to tell me the state and/or country that you live in. I wonder if I have a reader in each of the states and how many different countries my readers are from.

I can't wait to hear from all of you.

P.S. I am really curious about my readers from Louisiana. I often wonder if this is Laura or Sharon that is reading. The cool this is...if they are reading my blog I really don't care.

This has been really fun. So if you have not left a comment be sure to leave one and let me know where you are from. I love hearing from so many of my readers.