Just as a warning: The following post is a "poor-me" post. Don't say I didn't warn you.
I am having a horrible day. I feel depressed and I want a cigarette. I don't know why I want to smoke. I really don't miss it, but I miss having something to do during the day. I am thinking of all the horrible things that could go wrong in my life and saying, "if one of those happens, then I have permission to go get a pack of cigarettes.". With that kind of attitude I will never make it.
I had a dream about my parents last night. I think we were on good terms again. I woke up depressed about that. I got to work and worth them a letter asking them if being gay is so wrong they couldn't forgive me. I watch this program on A&E called Intervention and I see what people do and their parents continue to love them, even more so when they are all caught up in their addiction. There are just some days that I really miss my parents more then others. This is one of them. I could just sit here and cry from my heart hurting so bad. We are going to Laura's parents this Sunday to celebrate her younger sisters b-day (was the 8th) and Laura's b-day which is the 16th. I got jealous of her parents planning something for her b-day. I don't know if my parents have ever "celebrated" my birth. I am not sure anyone has.
I want to curl up in my bed and stay away from the world for a couple days. But as usual I have responsibilities and can't do that. I wish I wasn't so responsible. I even take care of the fucking strays and feel bad when I feed them "late".
I just want to cry.
12 comments:
I have had many of those days. You will make it through and I hope you feel better soon. I am happy that you were born!
Blame it on the full moon or the fact that the news is so depressing, then have yourself a good cry. You'll feel better. I know I always do!
PS Happy Belated Birthday! :D
Like MLM i am happy you were born! Ive never told you this before but my mother didnt talk to me for 2 1/2 years when she found out I was gay. She is coming around finally and she has really changed alot and loves Nathalie! It was the hardest time for me when she wouldnt talk to me. But I wasnt going to change who I love because of her. Just alittle in sight into my life! But just know, its okay to cry! and we will all be here to listen to you vent, anytime you need! (((((hugs)))))
Hang in there. There are those days and moments when everything that is wrong in life just hits you.
You can only be who you are. ((HUGS))
Part of being human is wanting to see the end of the rainbow- but we just can't.
Thinking of you.
I'm glad you were born too!!
My parents never celebrated my existence either. Screw 'em. I'm happier and more successful then either of them ever was or will be--talk about karma.
Hey sweets - some days are just like that. Keep hanging tight because there are lots of people who are so very proud of you for not picking up a pack of smokes. I, for one, am so super proud and impressed that you have come this far. One moment at a time.....and, like the rest, I am SO happy you were born!
Hey, just remember that it IS okay to cry, and you don't always have to be in control.
I would venture a guess that your lovely wife celebrates your birth every time she looks at, every time she sees you by her side.
Hang in there... {{{{ }}}}
I'm sending you a BIG hug. Hang in there, I believe you can do it. Just one moment at a time. (You know, with you stopping the smoking, I feel inspired to work on my weight again; so, thanks for inspiring me!)
There is a lot more I want to say, which is usually why I end up not posting: After reading a post I say i am coming back when I have more time to write something meaningful and, before I know it, too much time has passed and I never get to it!
Anyway, for now, just know I am cheering you on big time and wishing I could take your hurt away.
Hang in there and chin up...
Hugs!
To quote Cher: *Snap out of it*
You have people who love you. Laura, Laura's family, and a good round of friends here on your blog.
You can't pick your family, however you can decide who matters to you more, those of us who care, or those who brushed you aside.
*buck up little camper*
Well I know from your newest post that you are doing better today. I am glad honey, the dark moments are so tough aren't they? I wish I could be there and give you a hug during those times.
I think you are so strong to even try to quit smoking. Ask my sister how strong of a person I am, she'll tell you I'm not afraid of any thing.......except trying to quit smoking. It freaks me out. My boss paid over $100 for the stop smoking patch kit, he gave it to me in March. It is in the cabinet upopened, in the back where I don't have to see it, cause it scares me!
I often pray to God to give me the strength, but I still coward away from them boxes in the cabinet.
Keep up the good work, and I think you are brave and strong, I couldn't make it 24hrs right now.
from: your partners sister
I'm sorry you're having a hard time. I feel for you!
Hope today is going better for you and Laura.
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