I had a cigarette. Yesterday my day got a little better and even went out with some friends for dinner. I was happy when Laura said she was going to join us (she usually doesn't) and we had a blast. None of my friends smoke and we had the best time laughing. We sat outside on the patio and during the dinner I kept thinking I smelled someone smoking. I would look around and I didn't see anyone. Finally at the end I saw the person that was smoking. Even at that moment I thought, "I don't want one."
On the way home we had to stop at the grocery store and I ended up buying a pack of cigarettes. Damn. I got home smoked one. It tasted horrible. Plus I got all dizzy and my stomach immediately got upset. I told myself and Laura that I wasn't going to have anymore. 30 minutes later I lit up another one. I didn't even make it through the whole cigarette. The smell and taste was horrible. It was like I was licking an ashtray. God I hated it. I took my cigarettes and ran them under the water and threw them away. But I woke up that little monster that had been sleeping for a week. 7 fucking days.
This morning I woke up and on my drive I told myself I was just torturing myself and to make things better I should just go get a pack of cigarettes. So I stopped and bought not one, but two. I am not sure what I am thinking. It's not like they even had a special on them or anything. Driving to work I smoked one. Again I hated the taste and smell.
When I got to work our receptionist saw me and said, "8 days as a non-smoker". I just started crying cause I knew I had fucked up. Thankfully she was nice about it and I explained what had happened yesterday and she gave me that "it's ok speech". I hate crying at work. But working in the addiction field everyone here knows what I am going through and how hard it is. I think I made a fool out of myself, but everyone is reassuring me that I didn't.
About ten minutes after I got here the other receptionist called and said that since I was the only counselor here today she would take most of the calls and make it easy on me today. Yesterday was a crazy day and I think they are a little afraid of my mental stability today. I could use a few minutes of peace.
So where do I go from here. I am still on my quest to be a non-smoker. I am going to start my book over and go from there. I can't beat myself up like I have been. "Slipping" a couple times does not make me a failure.
Thank you all for your kind and supportive words. All your comments have made me realize that it does matter that I was born and I do make a difference in the world.
*Update 12:25PM*
I got rid of the two packs that I bought this morning and I am ready to start over. Holding on to those packs (even for just the 4 hours I had them) were holding me back and giving me a reason to smoke. I have gone 7 whole days without smoking. I can do it again and go even longer this time; like for the rest of my life. The first pack was given away to the cashier at McDonalds. I went in to buy one of their Snack Wraps (which by the way are excellent) and I asked the lady in the drive up if she smoked. She said, "cigarettes?" (I wonder what she meant????) I asked her if she smoked Marlboro Lights and she said, "I smoke anything brand I can afford to buy". I then handed her the unopened pack and said I am now a non-smoker. She looked at me kind of weird, but took them anyway. When I got back to the office I lit up one more and couldn't get through it and I threw the rest of the pack, plus the lighter I had left in my car in the dumpster. And if felt so good. For the third time in my life, I am offically a non-smoker. :)
13 comments:
You just start over. It's not the end of the world and this does not make you a horrible person.
You just start over. Every day is a chance for a fresh start...heck- every moment is a chance for a fresh start so babe - just start over. :)
Wow, I was busy enough yesterday that I didn't even read your post!! Sorry your day was rough. You must always keep in mind that all of us (in Bloggerville and in KC) care about you. I know I'm preaching to the choir, but try to keep in mind that many of us are here if you need us and hang onto that in the bad times. As you say to me . . . CALL!!
As for smoking . . . I'm sorry it happened, but you'll make it. It isn't easy and almost everyone relapses in the process, *just like other drugs*!! You know about the process! So don't beat yourself up; just start over. We are all supportive of your process.
Hugs!
casey--that is what i am going to do. i am going to start over. thank god for new days. thank you for your kind words
lynilu--that's why i called you this morning. i was feeling down and as usual you made me feel ok about my "slip". yes i know the process, but sometimes it's hard when it's me that i am dealing with. it's easier to tell someone else how to do it
cristin--i loved your comment. it made perfect sense. thank you so much.
Honey you just have to ignore that little hiccup and move on. I beat myself up like that when i'm dieting. It's like I HAVE to be PERFECT. I'm sorry you slipped but you can continue and do even better, go longer than 8 days next time! Oh and I don't have any books near me right now but I will get around to the me~me as soon as I can. If I don't forget!!!
Glad Laura went with y'all and you had a good time. Have a terrific week-end!
patticake--what a great way to put it..it was just a hiccup. thanks for the encourgement.
re: update - YEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAWWWWWWW!! grin, grin, grin!!!
It just seems to me that it's the final result, that you BECOME a non-smoker, that should be the focus, rather than beating yourself up over it when you slip. Not to say that slipping is okay, just to say please don't be so hard on yourself. You're human, sweetie.
For all the money that you're wasting on cigarettes, what if each time you wanted to pull into the store parking lot to get some you pulled that money out and put it aside, instead. Then at the end of a few days or a week, go get something else for yourself, or go to the movies or mini-golf, or whatever it is you two like to do for fun, a tangible reward, per se.
I took a course once that had a set of "disciplines" we were to follow for the duration of the course (just 3 days). We had to sign an agreement and everything. After each break, they would ask everyone who broke one of the agreements to stand. You would state the agreement you broke and then, after everyone had 'fessed up, the whole group would be asked, "And what do you choose to do now?". The reply was "I choose to recommit". Any agreement you make is a process of change and evolving. The beauty is that you can always recommit yourself and keep at it! Hang in there and remember that change really does happen one day at a time. - Karen
Hang in there Caroline- every day, every hour you go w/o cigarettes is a victory!
lynilu--i second that :)
sassyfemme--excellent idea about the $$. i need to start putting aside what i would be spending on smokes and then after one month go do something for me. or even one week..that's still $25.
wendy&karen--thanks for commenting. what an excellent idea. i need to put something in writing on my commitement to not smoking
yankeegirl--you are right, i should be celebrating every hour that i don't smoke
Hi Caroline,
You will eventually find a system that works, a combination of your will and practical suggestions. The nicotine patch worked for me. Maybe you have tried it?
I also wanted to let you know about ny novel. I am a recovering ex-JW and have found a way to articulate my experience through fiction. Please visit my book blog and tell me what you think:
www.dfmenow.blogspot.com
till later,
Daniel
Hell yes, that was a slip, and you're still a non-smoker. This has happened to me in the last few weeks, too. If I looked at as "Once a smoker, always a smoker, this proves it" it would be harder than saying "I'm a non-smoker who had one slip". Back on the clean hair, clean clothes pony, girl!!
comfortandjoy--i also think it's great that i can't make it through an entire cigarette. let's hope that lasts
daniel--thanks so much for stopping by. looking forward to reading your blog
sandra--in the addiction world we always say that a slip is one mistake and quicikly getting back on track. a relapse is that mistake after three weeks of still doing it.
Post a Comment