Monday, June 30, 2008

My Struggles

I know that I underestimate how strong I am or how resilient I am, but I have no idea how to teach myself to believe in myself and have faith that I will get through something. Why is it is easier for me to teach someone else then to take my own advice?

I also struggle with not only loving myself, but allowing others to love me. I hate that I am like this, but I really don't know how to change this. Why do I feel that everyone else deserves to be cared for and loved, but when it comes to me I feel that for some reason I don't deserve any of it. I hate hating myself. If you were to look at my insides I am sure they would be all black and blue from all the horrible things I say and do to myself.

I have a masters degree in social work and for the life of me I can't figure out why I can't apply what I tell the clients everyday to myself.

Sunday, June 29, 2008

Day of Sun

Since I didn't get to the pool yesterday I woke up this morning with my only plan being to lay out at the pool. I got there at 10am and ended up staying 4 hours. It was a perfect day for laying out and I had the pool to myself until 1pm. For a while I floated on my back and just watched the sky and listened to myself breathing. It kind of reminded me of when I would go scuba diving and the only noise you hear is yourself breathing. It has an amazing calming affect. However, 4 hours in the sun may have been a bit much. My face feels really hot and I can't really have the A/C on because I keep getting the chills. I don't remember the last time I was this tan and I keep getting comments about how tan I am. Being tan does somehow make me feel better about myself.

One of the things that I have been doing while at the pool is reading. I used to love to read and would read a book a week, but the last few years I have struggled to complete a book. It feels good to escape in a book and forget about my worries once again. I think I may head out to Barnes & Noble this weekend and find a couple other good books to read. Speaking of the anyone else as excited as I am that it's a short week?

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Early to Rise

It was an early day this morning. Apparently the best time to pick blueberries is early in the morning before it gets too hot. So I met MJ and her Mom out at the blueberry patch at 7am. As I was driving to the Patch this is what the sky looked like:
I wish this was my view every morning. I am really realizing that I am not a city girl at all but in fact have a lot of country in me. I sent MJ a TXT message last night telling her not to laugh at me if I had to ask how to pick blueberries. Her response back was "HaHaHaHa". Thankfully when I got there MJ's Mom told me she had never done this either. Whew! Even though there were about 100 people out there with us, it still seemed so quiet and calm. Her Mom did say that she was going to adopt me and take me home with her. My friendship with MJ and her family has been my biggest blessing this year.

On the way home I kept seeing these blue flowers on the side of the road:
They are so beautiful and I love the blue periwinkle color. I used to always say that Navy blue was my favorite color, but I think periwinkle is officially my new favorite color.

It was cloudy all day until I had my eyes dilated. Then suddenly it cleared up and was sooo bright. When I got home from the eye doctor I just had to lay down because my eyes were so sensitive to the light. Five hours later my pupils are still very dilated and I look like I am on something. Looks like it will be quiet night at home. A quiet night is just fine because I am completely exhausted from this past week.

Friday, June 27, 2008


You have no idea how happy I am that it's Friday. The only thing that would make me happier is dinner delivered from here:
This is the best restaurant in all of Oklahoma. Each time I drive to see Lynilu I stop in Hinton, OK; where Starvin Marvin's is located. Not only is it delicious, but the price is perfect as well. Last weekend Lynilu and I both ordered dinner and then ordered some break sticks and it was only $15. And that price included it being delivered to us. I wonder if they will deliver to me here in Kansas City? :)

Today has been a horrible day in terms of wanting a cigarette, but I am determined to work through this and remain a non-smoker. I found a website that said one ingredient in a cigarette is "whale vomit". How gross is that. So if I ever say I want a cigarette please remind me that I would be inhaling whale vomit. Wow, I just realized that in one month I have talked about both whale vomit and tick vomit on my blog.

I go back to the eye doctor tomorrow and might be going with MJ and her Mom to pick some blueberries, but other then that I have nothing planned. I am really looking forward to a quiet weekend. What is everyone else doing?

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Soft Place to Land

This past weekend Sam taught me that it's OK to be scared and need to be close to others. Each of your comments, emails, phone calls and TXT messages gave me that soft place to land this week. I thank each of you from the bottom of my heart.

Somehow, Someway, it will all be OK.

On a lighter note: Tonight as I was walking Sophie one of the little kids said, "Sophie, you look like a horse." I don't know why, but that comment seemed so funny to me. All the kids love to run up to Sophie and I usually have to tell them that we need to go so Sophie can use the bathroom. Today a little girl followed us to where Sophie goes and she kept yelling "Is she done using it?" I realized she was talking about the bathroom and once again laughed. I love the kids in my complex.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Day After

Today is much better. However, I have had a headache for the entire day. I know it's because my body is not used to me smoking anymore. I have had no desire to smoke today and I am happy about that. I was also reminded of how expensive it is to smoke. One pack, plus a lighter was $5. I can't believe I wasted so much money smoking. If I really wanted to smoke again I would probably need a second job.

I had planned on doing a post yesterday explaining this picture:
But yesterdays events really put into perspective what I was feeling in this picture.

Right after Laura and I broke up I decided to drive to New Mexico to see Lynilu. That was one of the hardest trips I have ever taken. I remember driving up the street to get on the highway and I literally felt like my heart was being pulled out. It was horrible. Right before I left for this trip I realized why I was having such a bad week and my bad week suddenly made so much sense. Knowing that I was going to the same hotel where I made the plan of how I was going to kill myself triggered some horrible memories. As I was driving to Tulsa I heard the song Square One (you can hear it on my first post from yesterday) and I realized I was kind of coming full circle. I am at a point in my life where things are really good, but I also needed to accept how I coped with things back then. After yesterday I realized that I still hated myself for what I did to myself last spring.

I have always been embarrassed and ashamed at how I coped with things last spring. I know I have been told to not be ashamed about what happened before, but today I heard it like I was hearing it for the first time. And then the light bulb went off and here is what I realized:

1) I did the best I could considering my situation

2) I underestimate how many people care for me

3) Everything happens for a reason

Tuesday, June 24, 2008


When I quit smoking 76 days ago I made a list of things that if they happened then I gave myself permission to have a cigarette.

Today something happened that was not on that list but really should have been. It's not been a good day and I am just really sad tonight. I spent most of the day crying and trying to pull myself together. By about 12:30 I decided that I was going to allow myself a day to cry and feel this pain. I hope it's true that you must feel in order to heal because I have done a lot of feeling this pain today. I hope it leads to some kind of healing.

On my way home I bought a pack of cigarettes. No it did not taste good and yes I have had a headache most of the day. I am looking at today as a small hiccup and I will be a non-smoker again tomorrow.

People say that I am strong, but today was not one of my strong days.

Tomorrow I will do better.

Square One

Had to find some higher ground
Had some fear to get around
You can't say what you don't know
Later on won’t work no more
Last time though I hid my tracks
So well I could not get back
Yeah my way was hard to find
Can't sell your soul for peace of mind

Square one, my slate is clear
Rest your head and meet my dear
It took a world of trouble, it took a world of tears
It took a long time to get back here

Try so hard to stand alone
Struggle to see past my nose
Always had more dogs than bones
I could never wear those clothes
It's a dark victory
You won and you are so lost
Told her you were satisfied
But it never came across

Square one, my slate is clear
Rest your head on me my dear
It took a world of trouble, it took a world of tears
It took a long time to get back here x3

Monday, June 23, 2008

No Place Like Home

I don't know how people survive summers in Oklahoma. Oh my God is it hot there. And the humidity is just as bad. Even if my beloved Super Nanny asked me to move to Oklahoma I don't think I could. We did have a beautiful sunset last night. It was breathtaking.

Last night I asked Lynilu what time she wanted to leave this morning and her first response was "Between 8:30 and 9am". She insisted that she did not need an alarm clock and has not used one in years. When I opened my eyes this morning I looked at the clock and it said 8:04am. Yep, I think we are going to be leaving a little later then 8:30am. It's amazing how dark hotel rooms gets when you shut the blinds. By 10:30 we were both on the road back to our homes.

When I pulled up to pick up Sophie she was just walking around MJ's yard with no leash on. Sadie has no problem not running away, but I was a little concerned about Sophie. In the past Sophie would run like hell when she would get out of the yard. Laura always said that when she got out of the yard she turned into a Greyhound. But Sophie is older and it was very clear she was not going anywhere. She was excited to see me, but I could tell she had a good time with MJ and Cowboy and was very well taken care of. Thank you again MJ for keeping Sophie and for being OK with me checking in on her 3 times in 24 hours.

Tomorrow it's back to the real world. I decided that when I win Powerball I am going to just drive around the United States for the first six months. There really is so much to see and I love all the little towns in Kansas.

I did have a couple rough moments on the trip and I finally realized why I had such a rough week emotionally. Tomorrow I will explain the story behind this picture:

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Middle of Nowhere

There is only one person that I would go to Oklahoma in the middle of summer for...and that is my friend Lynilu. Oh, and there is one other reason I would go to literally the middle of nowhere in temperatures that are hotter then hell:

Meet Joey. This is the reason that Lynilu and I met up halfway between our houses. I am in love with this little guy.
I have so many stories to tell about my adventure today, but right now we have 5 dogs running around that are keeping both of us busy. I really think Lynilu is going to need a nanny or someone to come in and help because these babies are a hand full. She has 2 older dogs that need special attention and then 3 younger dogs that are very demanding of her attention. I wonder if we are going to get any sleep tonight...probably not but that's OK.

I am totally in love with Sam:
I wonder if Lynilu will notice that he is in my car when we leave tomorrow? My guess is yes.

Lynilu is a special lady. I call her the Brad and Angelina of the Animal Kingdom. She goes all over the country to adopt these precious babies. As I was leaving with Joey I told the lady that he was going to a very good home and would be very well taken care of. Lynilu doesn't know the history of her new puppies and I know she suspects that there has been some abuse and/or neglect. Living with Lynilu will make up for any of the bad things that have happened to them.

We have just a short time together, but as we always do we have picked up right where we left off.

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Moving Forward

Tomorrow night Lynilu and I will be staying in the same hotel I stayed in when I went to visit her right after the break up. I went back and found the post I did that night and it just makes me sad to see how terrified I was and how lost I seemed.

This past week was very hard emotionally and I found myself slipping back into old habits of how I was dealing with things. I started feeling overwhelmed with things and then the huge sign was when I realized I was isolating myself. After talking with a good friend I seem to have more clarity and once again things are not so overwhelming. I read a quote on Thursday that made so much sense to me. It said, "Letting go is kind of like monkey bars. You need to let go in order to move forward".

I also know that getting out of town will be good for me. I know it's only two days, but I need these two days where I can just chill and not worry about all my responsibilities. Sophie will be staying with MJ and her Cowboy for these two days. I am so thankful that I have a place where I can leave Sophie and not worry about her. I know she will be well taken care of and will definitely get plenty of exercise running around with her best friend Sadie.

I went to the eye doctor today and all seems well. Well, he did tell me that my eyes were not getting enough oxygen and that my blood vessels are irritated in my cornea. He gave me a new pair of contacts that are able to "breathe" better and I will go back next week to have my eyes dilated. He wanted to dilate my eyes today, but said I could have it done next week when he does my follow up exam. (I would have hated to mess up my pool plans for today)

Be looking for a post that will explain this adventure Lynilu and I are on. My friends are definitely not boring.

Friday, June 20, 2008

In Case of An Emergency....

You can find me here.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Road Trip

Guess who I get to see on Sunday?????? Seeing this person is bound to get me out of my funk. Plus, we will get to eat at my favorite restaurant in Oklahoma..Starvin Marvin's.

I think getting out of town is exactly what I need right now. I am still not feeling right and not too sure what is going on. I really feel like I am falling apart physically, which hopefully will be a motivation for me to take better care of my body. When I was at the dentist the other day I was reading a magazine and I realized that in order to read it I had the magazine held right up to my face. I couldn't see the print. So I have an appointment on Saturday to get new contacts. It's been 2 years since I have had my eyes checked, so I am sure there has been some change.

They closed our pool for 3 days because people were vandalizing it. I don't understand why people can not just follow the rules and leave shit alone. One of the things that was destroyed was the safety rope between the shallow and deep end. I had a dream last night that I was walking past the pool and someone was on the rope and I was yelling at them to get off of it. Ha! Can you see how important the pool is to me? It should be open tomorrow...whew! I can't imagine my weekend without some time spent at the pool.

OK, so since I can't tell you why I get to see this person this weekend, let's have a little fun. Let's see if you can guess......

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

More Dental Drama

Well....the dentist didn't go as I had planned. As I was talking with the dentist he was telling me the other work that needs to be done (more then what I originally thought) and it turns out that the 3 crowns I had put on in 2005/2006 all need to be replaced. WTF??????? He said that crowns are suppose to last a lot longer and he has no idea why these are already needing replaced. Do you realize how angry I am? I hated that dentist I was going to back then anyway, but this really makes me angry. One time when I was sitting there and they were drilling into what seemed like my brain the dentist and his assistant were talking about the show Six Feet Under. The dentist said that he would never watch that show again because he just couldn't stand the fact that one of the guys was gay. As angry as I was I was not going to say anything since he had a drill in my mouth. But now that I all 3 crowns need to be replace I want to go back and give him a piece of my mind. Gah...I am so upset about this.

In 2000 I got this rash on the palm of my hand and on my feet and after months of going to different doctors I was diagnosed with Lichen Planus. It's not something I talk about a lot because it really doesn't cause me problems, but I am finding that it has caused me more problems then what I thought. I think this is part of the reason I have problems with my teeth now and I wish there was something I could. But this disease tends to get worse when I am under stress and the first sign is a rash on the palm of my hand. Yesterday I noticed that I have a horrible rash on my left hand. It's been a while since the rash has been this bad.

So now I just need to figure out where this stress is coming from and how to handle it better. I think overall I am very happy and very content with where my life is, but I still have pockets of stress and overwhelming sadness. What I hate the most is the fact that these kind of come out of nowhere and there are times when I feel so unprepared to handle it.

Next Tuesday I go see my doctor for a medication check, so maybe we need to talk about this because I am wondering if I need an adjustment on my medication.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Pain in my......Foot

Last week when I was walking Sophie I walked right into a huge branch and scratched the crap out of my left ankle. I immediately noticed that it was in the shape of a heart. On Saturday when I was at the pool the scab got wet and then it got sun burned. By yesterday my ankle was hurting pretty badly. A few of my co-workers were concerned and said I needed to go to the doctor because it was infected. I decided instead to clean it out with Peroxide. This morning it is looking better, but still hurts like a Mother F_____. Last night I took a picture of it, so if you have a weak stomach you might not want to look at the picture.

What I think is funny is the stray cat in the background. This particular cat is very friendly to me and has two of the cutest babies. I am proud of myself because I am not feeding them, just putting out water. I can not make any promises this winter about not feeding the strays.

Anyway, my foot is looking better so I don't think I will be losing my foot as some of my co-workers thought yesterday.

This afternoon I am going to the dentist to have some work done. I have a slight headache today, so I expect by tonight my head will be hurting a lot worse and with the pain from my ankle and mouth I might be acting like I am dying.

I am sure tonight I am going to be a lot of fun to be around.

Monday, June 16, 2008


All day today I have had this feeling that today was the anniversary of something, but I couldn't figure out what it was. It finally hit me about ten minutes ago; June 16, 1990 was when I was baptized as a Jehovah's Witness.

A couple things here....First of all, how in the world can that be 18 years ago? In case I didn't feel it before, I officially feel old now.

After I got over the shock that I was baptized close to 20 years ago, my next thought went to my best friend growing up:
This is a picture of me and my cousin J. J is 3 years younger then me, but we were raised as sisters and were always best friends. We had so many good times and one of those was when we got baptized together. I remember I was happy that day because my Mom and Grandma were so happy and proud of me. My Grandma gave J and I each a bracelet and told us we would always remember this day. Even though I am no longer a Jehovah's Witness, this day is still very special to me and probably will always be. I love that I have gotten to the point where I can appreciate my religious upbringing instead of resenting it. One thing I have learned is it's OK to look back on all those years I was a JW and see the good times as well.

I never knew that simply living my life for me would make me so happy and content in life.

I took this picture of myself a few days ago:
One thing I noticed is how calm I seem in the picture. Of all those times where I really wanted to give up in the past year, looking at this picture of me makes me so happy that I hung in there.

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Day at the Farm

What a great day this has been. MJ asked if I could drive her down to her parents farm so she could see her Dad for Fathers Day. Her Cowboy was going to spend the day with his son playing golf and since MJ can't drive after her eye surgery she needed my help. She kept thanking me for driving her down there, but she doesn't realize that it's a huge treat for me to go down to the farm. Her family is so wonderful and has really made me feel welcomed. I told MJ that since I was driving this time I would really know how to get back and that she should not be surprised if she calls to see how her parents are doing and they mention that I am there visiting. She just laughed, but I am kind of serious.

Poor MJ is really having a rough day with her eyes. She had 4 kinds of drops and it seemed that every 30 minutes she was putting more drops in. This is how I saw her most of the day:
On my way over to pick her up in the morning I stopped at a convienance store and ran into some JW's. As they handed me the Watchtower I told them I was going on a road trip and my friend would need something funny to read. The Witnesses just giggled and I thought it was odd that they didn't realize when they were being made fun of. So we came up with the perfect idea for using the Watchtower:
Eye Shields. It actually worked perfectly in the car and helped her. I knew the Watchtower would come in handy one day.

We spent most of the day at the farm and MJ was a huge sport to walk around with me even though her eyes were hurting. Here is her Mom coming to our rescue on the new Mule. If you click on the picture you can see her Mom's huge grin.

I love walking around the farm with MJ because she has so many stories. Here she found one of their old skates.

I then took a couple pictures and played around with the different settings on my camera. I love how these pictures turned out:

You can see rest of my pictures here.

Thank you for being such a great friend MJ and I really thank you for sharing your family with me.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Best Weekend

Today has been the best day AND it's not over yet. I ended up sleeping until 10:30am which is something that I have never done. I am usually up by 7 or 8am on the weekends. Actually Sophie did get me up at 7:30 to go outside, but we both came in and went right back to sleep. I think I am finally relaxing at night and my body is able to get the sleep it needs. As soon as I got up I looked outside and it was the perfect day to be by the pool. There wasn't a cloud in the sky and even one was at the pool. As I was walking Sophie my crazy neighbor from upstairs stopped me. I really didn't want to talk to him, but the first thing out of his mouth was an apology. I ended up talking to him for about 20 minutes and I am not sure what to do. He has admitted to being bipolar and I really think he is in the middle of another break down. He wasn't making sense and he was going from one subject to another and was very paranoid. He had a grocery sack in his hand that was filled with beer cans. When we first met he told me couldn't drink because of his meds. I am debating about going to the manager to maybe call his parents since he says he has a good relationship with them. What would you guys do? Part of me thinks I should just stay out of it, but the social worker in me sees someone that needs help.

I ended up laying at the pool for close to 3 hours and it's showing tonight. When I saw my other neighbor this afternoon he said, "You're looking a little red today." I lost track of the time since I was reading the book, The Glass Castle. Man this is a good book and I love that I am interested in reading again.

I took a 3 hour nap this afternoon (I have no idea why I am sleeping so much) and now I am getting ready for the second part of my day and actually the best part.

Oh, and guess where I get to go tomorrow:
This is turning out to be the best weekend.

Friday, June 13, 2008


Talking to a friend about her cat that she had to put to sleep and reading Sandra's blog about missing her Anna, really got me thinking about this guy:

I really miss him.

'Tis the Weekend

Can you believe Bonk is 21? Half the time she acts like a kitten and runs around the apartment more then Ben. Last weekend I bought these toys for the cats and she went nuts since they are filled with catnip. It has been fun to watch her "kill" these toys.

This has been a crazy week. I feel like I had another one of those light bulb moments and finally learned to stand up for myself. I think I have been working on this for a while, but this week really showed that I not only do I know how to stand up for myself, but I will if I need to. I feel like I have made huge progress this week and for the first time I feel like I am loving those closest to me with no fear.

I laid out in the sun when I got home from work and had the whole pool to myself. This was a treat because most times I have to share the pool with a ton of kids. One of my techs today said that the sun on my face is bringing out my freckles. I didn't realize I had freckles on my face. I have very few freckles and they are mostly on my arms.

I sent my Dad a Fathers Day Card today. When I think about my Dad my first thought is always Minnesota. My Dad loves Minnesota about as much as I do and we used to have the best time when we were in Minnesota. The camp I attended as a child my Dad also attended when he was little. I always thought it was so cool that we went to the same camp and I was always so proud of this fact. The camp had black/white pictures up in the dining room of old campers and my Dad was in several of the pictures. My Dad was such a cute little boy. When I would come home and only able to talk about camp for months and months, my Dad was so good at just sitting and listening to the endless stories I had. Happy Fathers Day Dad.


I love Alanis Moriessette. Four years ago Laura gave me her new album for my birthday and this song became our song. It's just been in the last few months that I have been able to listen to the song and not get angry.

Well, this past week Alanis came out with a new album and I love it. It seems that our lives have kind of been parallel these last four years. The album that Laura gave me all the songs were about a new love and all had a "love" theme. Last year Alanis and her boyfriend broke up, so her new album is about starting over after a love ends. My favorite songs on the album are Underneath, Not as We and Incomplete. I really love the words to Not as We and I know I have several blogging friends out there that are dealing with a recent break up and I really urge you to listen to this song. I wish this song had been around last year for me.

Today MJ is having her eye surgery, so please go over and wish her well. She has had a rough week and I know she is kind of nervous about the recovery from this surgery. I know it would make her feel better if she got lots of comments wishing her well. Because I am such a good friend I did tell her that if she went blind I would go over and read to her. She didn't think my comment was very funny.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Another Random Post

What in the world is going on with the weather? For the second time in a year an entire town has been destroyed. This has been the worst tornado season that I have ever seen and it seems that we are not done yet. All these storms have allowed me to take some pretty cool pictures.

Because of all the storms we have been having it has been so humid. I hate this high humidity because it just makes doing anything so hard. Now that I am walking Sophie I am out in the humidity so much more and I am realizing the crazy things it can do to your hair. I was having the perfect hair day yesterday and the minute I walked outside it was a mess. Just walking to the car makes me break out in a sweat. If I could spend the entire summer in the water I think I would enjoy summer a lot more.

As I was driving home tonight I thought about having a cigarette. For the first time the thought of having one made me want to throw up. It's been 64 days since I have smoked and I am still in shock that I have made it this far. I think I might actually beat this.

Last April when Laura and I decided to break up we sold her car. Well, yesterday I stopped at this convenience store and I saw our old car. The car looked exactly the same as the day we sold it. The spare tire on the back was still missing, there was still a dent in the back hatch and the HRC window cling was still on the back side window. I just kind of found it odd that nothing had changed about the car. I wonder if the people that were driving it know what the HRC sticker means?

So is anyone nervous about tomorrow being Friday the 13th?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Someone is 10

I feel like a horrible Mother. Today is Sophie's birthday and I completely forgot until right now. Do you think I am losing my touch on remembering dates?

Actually, I have a lot on my mind tonight. My feelings have been really hurt by someone I really considered my friend. After hearing what she had to say to me tonight, there is no way she was my friend. I am very sad about this and wish things could be different, but I can't change the way God created me. One thing even the witnesses taught me is....God does not make mistakes.

So....Happy Birthday to my Sophie. Today she turns 10 and I really can't believe it. Sophie is the first dog that I have had since she was a puppy and I have loved every minute of her being part of my life. It's amazing how much she has taught me about love and loyalty and how to just relax and have fun. She really is the best dog......ever.


I almost died last night. Literally.

MJ and I had walked this trail before and I had no problem, but last night this trail kicked my ass. I know part of the reason it was harder was because it's warmer and more humid and we walked at the end of the day. We walked for an hour and are guessing we walked 4 miles. I could not feel my legs by the time we got back to her house. Oh, and 10 minutes after we started walking I had to pee. The last 10 minutes were the hardest and this was the point where I saw my life flash before my eyes. There is this monster hill at the beginning of her subdivision and I made a joke about racing up the hill. We did run up for about a minute and then stopped. By that point I was out of breathe and really had trouble catching my breathe. At one point I felt like I was getting ready to hyperventilate, but I kept going. I probably should have stopped for a second, but I didn't want to seem like a wuss.

I have lost weight in the past, but this time seems so hard emotionally. I feel like I am finally getting to the core issues as to why I have put on weight in the last 15 years and dealing with some of these issues is not fun. This morning when I was driving to work I felt like dealing with all these emotions is like peeling an onion and the more I tear away at these issues the harder it becomes. But I am determined to do it this time and change my life.

When I started putting on weight I know it was because I was trying to protect myself. I had just married my ex-husband and I was miserable inside. Even though I was told that this was what I was suppose to do I was not happy. I pretended to be happy and the end result was the weight gain. My body does an excellent job at letting me know when things are not right; even if I may not realize it at the time. I need to learn to listen to my body more often.

For some reason I was looking through my baby book last night and I was looking at some of my early accomplishments. It was very apparent that I took my time in doing things. For example I did not sit up by myself until I was 11 months, I did not cut my first tooth until 11 months, I didn't walk until I was 18 months and I did not say my first word until I was 2. My Mom wrote an interesting thing that is my new favorite quote:

She may be slow but she is determined.

It's good to know that even at a young age I was seen as determined.

This determination that I have made me tell MJ today that even though I am exhausted and sore I will be there at 6pm to walk this trail again, and maybe even run all the way up the hill.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008


Thank you for your supportive comments from yesterday. The good news is I am feeling much better today. When I got off work yesterday I was mentally exhausted. I had planned on going to bed early, but around 9:30pm I got called into work. I ended up working until 12:30am and was very exhausted this morning. I had planned on just coming in a little late today, but I have this horrible problem of having to be to work on time. I did manage to sleep in until 8am and got to work a little after 9am, just 30 minutes late. Maybe one day I will allow myself to relax.

Last night I tried to come up with all the positives in the situation I was in. The first one was with the fact that I was crying. Even though I hate crying, I am happy that the medication I am on does not completely numb my feelings/emotions. One time I was on an anti-depressant and I literally felt nothing for months and months. So, I found the fact that I still cry a huge positive. Even though I would rather stayed home last night, I did enjoy going into work. I don't get to spend a lot of time with my 2nd shift techs, so whenever I work with them they kind of see it as a treat. My 3rd shift were very surprised when they walked in at midnight and saw me sitting there. I ended up staying until 12:30 talking with them and laughing about a couple things. I need to just relax around some of my techs and show my human side. As I was driving home I was so tired, but felt like I had accomplished so much last night.

Sophie is very popular among the kids in my apartment complex. There is one boy in particular that Sophies loves and I find soo cute. Every time he sees me and Sophie he comes running and yells..."S-O-P-H-I-E". Sophie loves him to pieces and goes running up to him. Yesterday I had my phone with me and took these pictures.

The second one is my favorite because you can see a little bit of his smile. He is always so excited to see Sophie. I love how Sophie is so good about letting him put his hands all over her with no problems.

Tonight I am going over to MJ's to walk. I was informed today that we will be walking 4 miles. Because it's warm outside and we will be walking so far, I am not going to take Sophie with me. I just don't think she could handle it. The positive in walking tonight...while we are walking MJ's Cowboy will be grilling us dinner. Yea, after 4 miles I will probably be kind of hungry.

Monday, June 09, 2008


Have you ever had one of those days where you just wanna cry?

Nothing is really going on, no one has hurt me, but I have felt like crying for most of the day and have spent most of the day in my office trying not to cry. I hate days like this where I am more sensitive then normal and even the smallest things upset me.

I hope tomorrow is better.

Sunday, June 08, 2008

Go Ahead....Ask Me

This has been such a busy weekend. It was so much fun having Sadie here for a couple days. Sophie is not used to sharing me and it's so funny to see her so jealous. I had a friend over last night and Sophie wouldn't even let her pet Sadie.

Sadie always sleeps with me when she comes to visit and this is usually how I wake up:
Notice Sadie is right in the middle of the bed. To the left is where I sleep. She leaves me no room at all. What's funny is when I wake up in the middle of the night and her nose is laying on my face.
Look at that face.....what an absolute sweetie.

You guys are always hearing from me and now it's time for me to hear from you . If you could ask me one question......what would your question be? In a few days I will do a post with my answers. Nothing is off limits on this one. So go ahead......ask me.

Saturday, June 07, 2008


Today was a beautiful and hot day in Kansas City. It was perfect pool weather. After my tech meeting it was kind of cloudy so I thought I wouldn't be able to lay out, but by the afternoon it had cleared up.

I love driving into work on the weekends because the highways and most of downtown are not busy at all. I met my weekend/night supervisor for breakfast before the meeting. As I got off the highway there was a guy standing there with a sign saying he was homeless and hungry. When I pulled up next to him I told him I was going to the Denny's that was one block away and if he would walk up there I would buy him breakfast. By the time I got parked and walked in Kevin was waiting for me at the front door. We talked while he waited for his order. He told me he became homeless after his brother died. He said he did not handle the death well and knew he had mental health issues but didn't know where to get help. Kevin has been homeless for 6 years; literally living under a bridge. I can only imagine what that is like. I gave Kevin a few places he could go for free mental health services and he was on his way. As he left he thanked me for breakfast and told me where he sleeps in case I ever need anything. I often will see a homeless person and want to stop and just talk with them. We all need someone to talk to every once in a while.

Miss Sadie is doing so well. MJ dropped her off at my work this morning, so my techs were surprised that we had a special guest. She did so well during the meeting; in fact she was better behaved then a couple of my techs. As we walked up to the apartment she remembered which door was mine. When I opened the door both Sadie and Sophie were so excited to see each other. I am once again reminded at how Sophie is not very good at sharing. Boy she gets upset when I show any kind of affection to Sadie.

I am wanting to find a good book for me to read, so what are you guys reading this summer. It's been so long since I have just sat down and read so I am pretty excited that my interest in reading is coming back, but I have no idea what books are out there.

Did you guys realize what today's date is:

Pretty cool, huh?

Friday, June 06, 2008

Offically Summer's officially summer. I came home from work and went and relaxed by the pool. I love having a pool 50 feet from my front door. The water is still a bit chilly, but being in the sun was so nice. It's been two years since I have actually enjoyed being out in the sun. I spent no time outside last summer and I really think this affected my mood. I also wanted to spend some time outside today because, even though I would never tell her this to her face, I have a lot of catching up to do to a certain someone. But I know I can win this competition. (I think I have a little competitive side to me....)

I kind of have a busy weekend planned. I have to be up early for my tech meeting tomorrow. I used to dread these meetings, but now that things have calmed down they are not that bad. It's amazing how my confidence in myself has grown in the past year. I know that I still have a lot of work to do, but it really sucks when others start noticing them as well. I guess I like to take my time on things.

OK, it's going to be a great weekend. Here is a small hint as to my life right now. I say once is very good right now.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Random Thursday

Today I was talking with one of my techs about first impressions and she shared with me what her first impression was of me. She told me that she thought I was too quiet, very timid and probably would not last. She said that within a few weeks she realized how wrong her opinion was. This particular tech said that I taught her not to judge a book by it's cover. I had another tech tell me that her first impression of me was that I was "nerdy". I have been called a lot of things and nerd is not one of them. I just don't see it.

Did you hear who is coming to visit me this weekend???

Sadie will be staying with me Saturday night and I am so excited. Am I weird to be so excited for a dog to come visit? Last time Sadie stayed with me I allowed her to get up on the couch and bed; which she does not do at home. Well, for some reason she decided that she really liked sleeping on the furniture and continued this at her home....for 3 long months. I was concerned that MJ and her Cowboy would not allow Sadie to come stay with me. When MJ asked me if I could watch Sadie I told her that I would not let Sadie up on the bed and would keep her off the couch. Later in the day I got a message from Cowboy saying she could do what my dog does. Yay!!

We are in for some pretty major storms tonight and I am kind of excited about it. I have this new love of thunderstorms. I made a comment to someone yesterday about how the heat doesn't seem to bother me as much this year and I think it's because I am not smoking. I always felt like I could not breathe in the heat and now it just doesn't seem that bad. Damn cigarettes......

Wow....this was a pretty random post wasn't it.

Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Random Thoughts on a Wednesday Night

I woke up and the right side of my nose was hurting. My first thought was that maybe a tick went up my nose and got lost. I imagine it's just a sinus infection, but I decided to Google side of nose hurting. This article came up as one of the results. I about peed my pants laughing at this. I really had no idea that there were different categories of nose pickers. Man, I am still laughing. Oh, and as for the "tick vomit".....Someone at work told me that I should not take a tick off with a match because when you do that the tick could vomit in your skin. I almost threw up when she told me that. My co-workers are filled with so much knowledge.

The pool is finally open in my complex. I am so excited. MJ....the tanning competition has officially started. Yes, winter is my favorite season and I would chose a snowy day over a sunny day, but there is one benefit of summer. I love being tan. Last summer I spent almost no time outside and I felt like crap for most of the summer. I really think it was because I was not outside in the sun very much. Being outside with Sophie so much already has me feeling better then last summer. Plus, I always feel better about myself when I am tan.

I have been feeling this amazing sense of freedom since Sunday. I feel like anything is possible and that there are a lot of very good things about to happen in my life. I think I felt that if my parents didn't love me then no one else would love me. Well, I now know that not only do my parents love me, but I am loved by so many other people. I have never felt as loved as I do right now.

Life is so good right now.

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Wordless Wednesday

A dog and a birthday cake

Wordless Wednesday


Yesterday I started jogging after work. I don't love jogging, but I feel like I get such a good workout when I do jog. Thankfully I don't look like Phoebe when I jog. I had planned on Sophie being my jogging buddy.
But I forgot that she is ten years old and just can't handle the jogging especially in the heat. I took her out last night and she was limping by the time we got close to home. I felt like a horrible Mother. I am still taking Sophie on long walks, we just won't be jogging. Seeing that Sophie can not handle the jogs makes me realize that she is getting older. My heart about broke when I had to start buying her the senior dog food. I wish she was like Bonk; who is determined to live forever.

I feel good that I have started jogging and hope that I stick to this new commitment of getting in shape. For once in my life I want to be the girl that everyone looks at. Well, I don't know if I will ever get to that point, but I want to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see.

I am not expecting overnight results and want to make sure that I do it right this time. That means that it's OK to not always be perfect when eating.

This morning when I was in the shower I noticed something on my arm. At first I thought it was a spider, but when I tried to brush it off it didn't move. I realized it was a tick. I about freaked out. I just kept picking at it until it came off. I am guessing that I picked it up while I was out last night. And since I am so close to the woods I could have picked it up anytime. Sophie and the cats are treated for fleas and ticks, but now I am wondering if I should be wearing a flea/tick collar when I go running outside.

Monday, June 02, 2008

Celebration.....Part II

So after almost 4 years I pull into my parents driveway. Their house is kind of in an H shape and you have to walk up to this big deck that is surrounded by windows of the living room. I notice that my Mom is asleep in her chair and I also that she just looks older. I ring the door bell and no one comes to the door. I then knock on the door and my Mom answers the door. I could tell that she was not expecting to see me when she opened the door. I don't remember who said something first, but at some point I told her that I wanted to talk with her and Dad. Right when I said that my Dad walked up. His response was so different then my Moms. He put his arms out for a big hug and said that I should have called because he would have put another steak on the grill. I think I was really surprised by his response to seeing me. I think I have seen my Dad once or twice in the last 4 years and it was only because I ran into him at the store and his response was never this happy to see me. For a minute I was taken back to what it used to be like when I would stop by.

I followed my parents into their living room and as we walked back I noticed that my Mom was walking with a cane. This really surprised and kind of shocked me. I then just told them that I needed for them to know that I loved them and I was not angry about anything anymore and that four years is a really long time for us not to be talking. I told them about going out with some friends to celebrate the fact that I had wonderful parents who gave me a great start in life. They both just kind of stood there and didn't say anything. I really think they were expecting me to be angry and/or upset, but I was the calmest I probably have ever been. My Dad said he was so happy that I decided to stop by and tell them that and they really appreciated it. My Mom just kind of sat there and looked at me and then said, "You are the one that walked away from us." She then got up and walked out of the room. She told me that she did not want to be in the same room as me. I told her that it was OK and that I just wanted her to know that I loved her.

My Dad and I then started talking about their cats; all of who I do not know. It's sad to know that the cats they had 4 years ago are no longer around. He was in complete shock that Bonk was still alive and he asked "how old is that damn cat?" I told him that I had a couple of friends in the car and we had just gone out to celebrate them as my parents and he really seemed touched by what I was saying to him. We made small talk for a bit and then I told him to call me and we would get together for lunch or something.

As we were saying goodbye my Mom opened the front door again. She wanted to know the motives behind me stopping by. I explained again that I just wanted to let them know that I loved them. It seemed really hard for my Mom to look at me while we were talking and I felt really sad for her. I could see the pain and the struggle she is having. I know she is torn about what to do and I just wanted her to know that I understood that struggle and still loved her.

My Mom tried to say things that would be hurtful, but I remained calmed and just kept reminding her that I loved her. She brought up the usual religion stuff and I told her that my issues with the religion had nothing to do with her. She then reminded me that being a Jehovah's Witness is "what she is". I know I will never win that fight. She then said she could not have a relationship with someone that is agnostic. I told her that I very much so believe in God and she found that very surprising. I don't understand why people think that just because someone is gay then they have no relationship with God. (I think I will have to write a post about my view on this.) I did tell her that she should just ask me some questions because she really hasn't asked and has just assumed so many things. My Mom tried to argue about what the Bible says and I just stopped her and told that I did not come by to argue. We then said goodbye and I walked to my car. One funny thing though.....she did ask who was in the car waiting for me. I told her it was a couple friends and her response was, "Are they lesbians, too??" I think it's funny that people automatically assume that everyone I hang out with is gay as well. (This would be another good post)

For 4 years I have had absolutely no hope in having a relationship with my parents. But tonight I have this small glimmer of hope. I don't know if my parents will ever call me or if we will ever have a relationship again, but they know I love them and that is all that matters right now. Letting go of this horrible anger I had for my family was huge for me. My heart feels so much lighter and I feel like I can breathe again. I really think the anger I had for my parents had this huge hold on my heart and I now realize I have lost so much because of closing off my heart.

That will never happen again.

Sunday, June 01, 2008

Celebration....Part I

I feel like I have so much to say about today. I think it is going to take me a couple days to sort through everything in my mind because so much has happened today. I started the day out by being anxious. I was nervous about what today was going to look like and what I was going to do to let go of this anger and sadness. I knew I was going to dinner with some friends to a very special restaurant, but I wasn't sure about anything else. It all came to me around noon how I wanted the day to be. I knew that I had to tell my parents today that I loved them and I had to do that in person.

Keep in mind it has been close to four years since I have been at my parents house. I was extremely nervous about just showing up. Since my Dad loves it when you have a clean car I even went and washed my car before going. As I drove in front of their house I realized my brother was there. I did not want to stop with him there because I did not want any drama. I was so upset as I drove off because I thought this was my only time to do tell them. I then decided that after dinner would be a good time.

MJ and our friend L came by and we headed off to the restaurant. The top picture was the view we had. This restaurant means so much to me because it's on the lake where my parents had a cabin when I was growing up. There are so many good memories on this particular lake and I knew it was the perfect place to honor and celebrate my parents.
We had a couple cold drinks which tasted like heaven because of the heat and of course the view.
Here is MJ and L. Dinner was so nice because we laughed so much and I shared a lot of the good times I had with my parents and my favorite memories. However, this picture was taken after I taught them the word, "fucktard". Neither of them had heard it and they about peed their pants because they were laughing so hard.
Dinner was perfect. I love lobster and had the fried lobster. Oh.My.God. It was so good. I can't believe I forgot to take a picture of our desert. It was a chocolate Multan Cake. There really are no words to describe how good the desert it.
Me and MJ in her car.

After dinner I made the drive to my parents. I found it kind of sad that I was so nervous about going to my parents house. I did not take MJ and L with me because I felt that I could not handle it on my own, I just wanted to have my friends there with me so I could share with them what happened. I knew it was going to turn out OK and I wanted to share that goodness with someone. And it did turn out good; very good.

As I walked up to my parents front door I felt like a small child again who was just wanting to be loved by her parents. As I knocked on the front door I knew it was finally time to let go of my anger and resentment. be continued