Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Day After

Today is much better. However, I have had a headache for the entire day. I know it's because my body is not used to me smoking anymore. I have had no desire to smoke today and I am happy about that. I was also reminded of how expensive it is to smoke. One pack, plus a lighter was $5. I can't believe I wasted so much money smoking. If I really wanted to smoke again I would probably need a second job.

I had planned on doing a post yesterday explaining this picture:
But yesterdays events really put into perspective what I was feeling in this picture.

Right after Laura and I broke up I decided to drive to New Mexico to see Lynilu. That was one of the hardest trips I have ever taken. I remember driving up the street to get on the highway and I literally felt like my heart was being pulled out. It was horrible. Right before I left for this trip I realized why I was having such a bad week and my bad week suddenly made so much sense. Knowing that I was going to the same hotel where I made the plan of how I was going to kill myself triggered some horrible memories. As I was driving to Tulsa I heard the song Square One (you can hear it on my first post from yesterday) and I realized I was kind of coming full circle. I am at a point in my life where things are really good, but I also needed to accept how I coped with things back then. After yesterday I realized that I still hated myself for what I did to myself last spring.

I have always been embarrassed and ashamed at how I coped with things last spring. I know I have been told to not be ashamed about what happened before, but today I heard it like I was hearing it for the first time. And then the light bulb went off and here is what I realized:

1) I did the best I could considering my situation

2) I underestimate how many people care for me

3) Everything happens for a reason

10 comments:

redfrog27 said...

Amen there is no shame in how one feels the only shame there is if you would have killed yourself I know we dont know each other but I am proud with the progress you made.Keep it up btw if your interest I created a blog today its over at wordpress not sure how to link yet but if your interested you can email me at redfrog27@yahoo.com again keep up the good work you are so worth it

redfrog27 said...

Amen there is no shame in how one feels the only shame there is if you would have killed yourself I know we dont know each other but I am proud with the progress you made.Keep it up btw if your interest I created a blog today its over at wordpress not sure how to link yet but if your interested you can email me at redfrog27@yahoo.com again keep up the good work you are so worth it

Eye of the Rainbow said...

Everything does happen for a reason!! :) hugs to you

MJ said...

I glad you heard that today. You did the best you could with what you could--it's one event I'm glad you failed at.

Lynilu said...

:) You're right. :) And I think you're amazing, too. :)

Renaissance Woman said...

I am so glad that you are in such a better place now. And you are right...we do the best we can at the time. And time has proven that you are a survivor!

rls said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
R said...

sorry. was signed in as rls my friend in panama. i am proud of you. you will survive anything. do not ever be ashamed of the past. you will survive it all and you have.

Anonymous said...

Caroline...glad to hear you survived that crises...now on to better days. If you notice in your visitors thingie..Dawson Creek BC...that would be me..visiting youngest daughter and her family for the next two weeks. As a matter of interest, Dawson Creek is in northern BC and is mile zero of the Alaskan Highway. Strange part of the country...at this time of year there are only about 3 hours of complete darkness.....I was up to the bathroom around 3:30 and thought it was time to get up, it was so bright out. Great place to see the Northern Lights too.

HAGD

Ruth

Monogram Queen said...

No shame at all, I have been there Caroline. Believe it or not, I have made the plans too.