Today is much better. However, I have had a headache for the entire day. I know it's because my body is not used to me smoking anymore. I have had no desire to smoke today and I am happy about that. I was also reminded of how expensive it is to smoke. One pack, plus a lighter was $5. I can't believe I wasted so much money smoking. If I really wanted to smoke again I would probably need a second job.
I had planned on doing a post yesterday explaining this picture:
But yesterdays events really put into perspective what I was feeling in this picture.
Right after Laura and I broke up I decided to drive to New Mexico to see Lynilu. That was one of the hardest trips I have ever taken. I remember driving up the street to get on the highway and I literally felt like my heart was being pulled out. It was horrible. Right before I left for this trip I realized why I was having such a bad week and my bad week suddenly made so much sense. Knowing that I was going to the same hotel where I made the plan of how I was going to kill myself triggered some horrible memories. As I was driving to Tulsa I heard the song Square One (you can hear it on my first post from yesterday) and I realized I was kind of coming full circle. I am at a point in my life where things are really good, but I also needed to accept how I coped with things back then. After yesterday I realized that I still hated myself for what I did to myself last spring.
I have always been embarrassed and ashamed at how I coped with things last spring. I know I have been told to not be ashamed about what happened before, but today I heard it like I was hearing it for the first time. And then the light bulb went off and here is what I realized:
1) I did the best I could considering my situation
2) I underestimate how many people care for me
3) Everything happens for a reason