Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Throw Me A Lifesaver

About a month ago Laura asked me how things were going with STL and I. I gave her the standard "fine" answer because I have learned to keep as many of my personal details from her. For some reason I really don't want her knowing what is going on with my dating life. She then told me that Sharon had been asking what was going on. She told me that Sharon had a nosey side to her and she was really missing hearing what was going on with me because it was like a soap opera. That conversation with Laura is part of the reason I decided to stop talking to Laura unless it had to do with the house and one of the reasons my blog went private. My life is not a soap opera. These are my emotions and feelings, not some made up characters.

When I first started blogging I would write about anything and sometimes everything. It's as if I could not fathom the idea that once it's out there...it's out there and there is nothing you can do to take it back. This is another reason I decided to make my blog private. I want to control (at least for now) who reads my blog.

So this brings me to the last 24 hours. I probably spent more then 1/2 of the last day crying. To say it's been a rough day is an understatement. As many of you read in my post from yesterday I was having a rough time. By 1:00pm most of the people at work realized I was not in a good mood. I thought for sure my day would get better once I got off work.

When I got home there was a message on my answering machine. It was from the people that are renting/buying the house. All the message said was "We really need to talk to you about the house and the bad news we have". My heart literally sank. I really didn't want to call because I did not want to know exactly what the bad news was.

I did call them and they said they might need to back out of the deal. I was in shock and really didn't know what to say. I don't want to go into the details about their reason, but as you probably know I was already stressed. This sent me into a tailspin emotionally. A couple of hours after the first conversation I talked with the couple again. They agreed that since they had already signed the contract and paid 1/2 of their $5000 deposit they would move in. I was still in so much shock that I did not ask the right questions or get that reassurance I so desperately needed from them.

Here I am 2 days away from signing a lease on an apartment and they are talking about backing out of the deal. This couple was planning on moving into the house on Sunday, so that is 3 days after I sign the lease and move all my stuff out. If they back out I am screwed. Not only am I responsible for a mortgage, but now I am stuck in a 12 month lease AND my stuff is already moved out of the house.

Last night I was angry. I was so angry at Laura for leaving me to deal with all of this with NO support from her. She has said all along that she never wanted to leave me "high and dry" in regards to money. She has been comparing this break-up and the one between me and my ex-husband. I so desperately want to tell her that at least with James I did not have to sell my house. Note to self: work on this anger issue

I spent most of the night talking with STL about my options. She did a wonderful job at calming me down and trying to reassure me that it will all be OK and will work out the way it's suppose to work out.

But I still worried. I woke up at 6am today and immediately emailed Laura and told her the situation and that she needed to help me with this because I could not handle this on my own. Laura did call me and took some of the responsibility of finding out for sure what is going on.

In the end the couple are still moving in. I told them that they would need to have the first months payment to me first thing Friday morning (It would be Thursday, but they don't get paid until Friday AM) before I move out. I am going to try to delay the signing of the lease until they make the payment.

This morning I sat at my desk and prayed to God. I asked for strength, guidance and understanding.

Sometimes life just doesn't seem fair. When things started to finally look up it seems the carpet was almost pulled out from underneath me. Sometimes I feel like I don't deserve good things to happen to me because the minute they happen it seems like there is something bad right around the corner that just shows I did not deserve that good thing anyway. (Reminds me of the song Ironic)

My attitude is a lot better then it was last night and this morning. And I am sorry that I have dragged all of you along for this pity party. I guess this is just one of those days where I need a little extra support and encouragement. We all have days like that and I should not feel like a burden or bad for asking for that extra help.

Peer Pressure

I have sen this going around and thought I would join in with everyone else. So, here are 8 fun filled facts about ME.

1. I dropped out of college 3 semesters before I was to graduate with my Bachelors Degree in Social Work. I think I was just really burned out with school. I took 2 years off and it was the best thing for me. When I went back I was more serious and knew exactly what I wanted to do with my life. I have always said that if I had a child and they wanted to take a couple years off before going to college I would be supportive because I know how important those two years were for me.

2. One of my very first memories is when I cracked my chin open. One of my second memories was when I split my head open from jumping on the bed and falling on the headboard. I was a very clumsy child and this can be seen from the numerous scars I have on my body.

3. I am a true Gemini. I swear one some days I have one personality and another day I have a totally different one. I used to think I was just moody, but I think a lot of it has to do with being a Gemini.

4. I named my second nephew. When his Mom was pregnant they were trying to come up with names and I suggested Alex. They said no and then I said "how about Alec?" They liked it right away and named him that when he was born.

5. In just 8 days I will celebrate two years of blogging. My blog has become part of who I am and I can't imagine my life without blogging. And one of my fears is that I will go to my blog and it will be gone. I keep saying this, but I really need to backup my posts.

6. When I say I love all types of music it's the truth. You will find the following artists on my iPod (aka Penelope): 2Live Crew, Roberta Flack, NSYNC, Michael W. Smith, Modest Mouse, Jim Brickman, Chicago and Debbie Gibson. It is the true melting pots of iPods.

7. My first concert was when I was in 7th grade and I saw Whitney Houston. My Dad took me and I was so upset because he made me wear a skirt. One good thing about your Dad getting the tickets: we were in the 4th row.

8. I probably watch too much TV, but that is how I relax in the evenings after a stressful day at work. Some of my favorites are: King of Queens, Little House on the Prairie, Dog the Bounty Hunter and My Boys.

Monday, July 30, 2007

Manic Monday

The following has happened since I got to work just 3 hours ago:

*I did the payroll for the techs

*I had to run to one of the residential apartments to get the census

*I had a tech tell me that he hurt himself last Thursday and is just now wanting to see a doctor

*I arranged for the tech (including filling out all the paperwork) to be seen by a doctor

*Talked with Human Resources three times

*Completed the schedules for the month of August

*Completed my forms for the fire drills I did over the weekend

It's no wonder that I am stressed. It's no wonder that when I walked into my boss' office an hour ago and she asked the simple question, "How is your day going" that I burst into tears.

I normally am very professional at work, but I explained to her that I am in a bad mood and I apologized in advance for this. She laughed and said she completely understood and again told me that if she could help in any way this weekend to just let her know. I may not need her help moving, but I might just need a ride home from the bar where I plan on spending Saturday night.

It's hard letting go of something. I know if I can just get through the next six days then I will be great. And if I can get through the next six days without becoming an alcoholic then I will be even better.

Sunday, July 29, 2007


All of the packing is done. We are all ready to leave and now we are just waiting for the movers to show up at 11am on Friday. I can't wait to unpack and not be living out of boxes, eating off of paper plates and not knowing where anything I own is.
Sophie and I spent some time outside today (even though it was so humid) and as you can see she enjoyed the day running in the yard. When motivated by a stray cat or squirrel Sophie can really run fast. (It's the border collie in her) From this picture it looks like I might have a Greyhound in training.

My sweet girl. This is my new favorite picture of her. I love all the green behind her.
And on Sunday....Sophie rested.

And here's Bonk's view on all the pictures of Sophie.

I had the best Sunday ever. I got up this morning and treated myself to a treat. For the first time in months I went out and bought myself something. For so long I have been just buying things I needed, nothing I wanted. It felt good. I had lunch with one of my best friends and then enjoyed a cold beer on her back deck. Life doesn't get much better then this. Good food+good conversation+2 cold Corona's=Perfection.

It's amazing how good peace and freedom feel.

Saturday, July 28, 2007


It hit me like a ton of bricks yesterday morning.

I have been waiting for this realization for 5 months.

It only took one phone call that was less then 5 minutes long.

I truly believe it was a moment that has changed the course of my life.

When Laura finally started being honest about her whole affair with Sharon she explained it to me this way:

"I feel like Sharon is who I have been waiting for my entire life. She just gets me and I have never had anyone get me like she gets me. I feel free to be me with her. We have a connection that I have never had with anyone else."

No wonder I went into complete shock when Laura and I broke up. Laura has told me things about the reason we ended that I would not tell someone that I really disliked, let alone loved.

I felt an obligation to be nice to her and not show my anger or disappointment. Somewhere along the line I learned to put my feelings aside for someone else.

It may appear that Laura and Sharon won, but things aren't always the way they appear.

Laura may have felt that she was the one that was set free, but in reality it was me.

Just Gross

There is something really wrong (and gross) with this commercial.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

It's More Then Just A House

The last month or so has definitely been a time to reflect and look back on all the memories I have had in my house in the last 9+ years. A lot of really good stuff has happened, but a lot of stuff that I would rather not remember has also happened. But I guess you need to experience some bad so you will really appreciate the good.

Here are the good things that have happened since moving into the house in 1998:

*I got my bachelors degree in Social Work.

*I found Sophie dog in the inner city when she was just 12 weeks old. She was running around in the street and without thinking about it I picked her up and brought her home. One of my best decision in life.

*I got my first real job. I was so proud of myself. That first job forever changed my life and my view on social work and myself.

*I realized I was attracted to women.

*I got my first taste of freedom from religion

*I slept with my first woman

*I got my Masters Degree in Social Work in one year

*I learned how to live independently from my parents

*I became really good friends with the lady next door, who was also a Social Worker.

*Despite not being religious, I became closer to God.

Here are some of the things I would rather forget:

*I went through a nasty divorce

*I made some very poor decisions in regards to money

*I got kicked out of the church for smoking (2000)

*I went back to the church after loneliness and guilt (2001)

*I put aside my wants and needs for those of my family for 3 years

*I got kicked out of the church for being gay (2004--Actually Sunday marks the 3rd anniversary of that shunning ceremony)

*I allowed myself to get comfortable in a relationship and in the end I lost everything I had given (but I am learning to be ok with that)

*I lost my beloved dog Casey (2001)

*Ice Storm of 2002. Lost power for 4 days and family would not allow me to stay in their house (which had heat) because I was disfellowshipped.

As many of you know (or may not know) when my Grandmother (Mom's Mom) passed away my EX husband and I bought this house. The house has been in the family since it was built, so there are a lot of memories here. I have pictures of myself when I was a baby in the front yard. This house has always been a part of my life, in some way.

I feel like I have had an extra 10 years with my Grandmother. It's hard not to feel her presence when you walk in here. When she passed away her perfume bottle was left in the bathroom closet. Until just a few days ago, that bottle was still on the shelf. Every once in a while I would smell it just so I could remember what my Grandmother smelled like. Her perfume will follow me to my new place. I am hoping her presence will follow me as well.

Even though my family does not talk to me, I felt the connection to them through this house. It's hard letting go of (what I think) is the last connection to my family.

Not talking to my family and being in this house has brought me a lot of comfort. When I get that overwhelming feeling of my Grandmothers presence or smell her perfume I feel as if she is saying "I love you no matter who you love my sweet Caroline".

So if I seem a little down for the next week or so it's because it's not just a house I am saying goodbye to.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Winner of "Not My Job" Award

Really makes you wonder how some people still have a job?

Another Blessing

Today started out rough. I was again very tired because Sophie got me up again. This morning it was a littler earlier at 5:30am. But it was just enough time to get into a really deep sleep. So when the alarm went off I felt like I had been hit by a truck.

Then I got to work and that crazy nurse spotted me and started telling me how I needed to write up this tech and this tech. I hate when people that have no business telling me, try to tell me how to do my job. Today I went straight to my boss who appears to have taken care of the problem with this nurse. It is nice to be in a supportive work environment where my boss addresses my concerns right away.

When I got back to my office there was a message on my cellphone from Laura asking about the rate modification with the mortgage company. I was thankful she had reminded me to call because when I walk in the doors at work I am usually only focused on issues with work. Well, I called and got some wonderful news. Our payments have been reduced by $320 for the next six months. God continues to bless me and take care of me. It's a wonderful feeling that I never felt when I was a Jehovah's Witness.

Because I am curious about numbers I took what our new payment would be and added up all the numbers. Why am I not surprised it was a 9?

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Winks from God

I have mentioned before that I love numbers. I recently watched a program on Numerology and it really fascinated me and a lot of what they said really made sense to me. That is part of the reason for the design of my tattoo with the number 7. I had decided that 7 had to be a lucky number for me. The number 7 kept coming up in, and even today it is coming up all around me.

Tonight I decided to do a little bit more research in numerology. You can click HERE to learn more about it. Tonight I calculated my Lifepath number (9), my Destiny number (9) and my Personal Year (9).

All three of them equaled 9. Is this a coincidence or do I need to pay more attention to the number 9?

I once heard that there are no coincidences in life, just winks from God.

Now if I could just figure out what those winks mean.

Just 30 More Minutes....PLEASE

I swear if my sweet faced dog Sophie wakes me up one more morning 30 minutes before I am suppose to get up she will find herself sleeping outside.

This morning when she started pushing up against the bed (that's my cue that she needs to go out) I told her to lay down. She did lay down, but when I looked at her I felt guilty for making her wait. So we all got up and I let her out. I sat down to have a cigarette and when I was done she was standing by the back door to come back in. When I went to open the door she went running in the backyard. I hate when she does this. She thinks it's a game, but I don't find it funny. So I went back upstairs and laid down. Would you believe the minute I laid back down and got comfy she started barking to come inside. So I get up again and this time she comes running in and runs upstairs.

She is going to need to learn to hold it for 30 more minutes because when we move to the apartment, there is no way in hell I am going to get up, get dressed and walk her 30 minutes before I am suppose to get up.

I am so tired today and I blame her 100%. I can't wait until I get home and she is asleep on the couch. I am going to continue to wake her up so she sees how annoying it is.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Unexpected Gifts, ETC

I have talked several times about how my friends are the best. It seems that every time I turn around one of my friends is doing something totally unexpected, but so welcoming. As many of you know I am a freak about pens. I have even been known to lie and steal to get one that I like. Last week I received a package from Lynilu. In this package was a very beautiful dragonfly pin. It was just beautiful. BUT, also in the package was the following pen. Six years ago she got these pens from her bank and I secretly wished I banked there so I could have as many pens as I wanted. Well, out of fear, I mean the goodness of her heart she gave me one of her pens. I still have that pen, although it no longer works. But I hang on to it out of fondness for Lynilu and the fun we had fighting over this pen. So, to see that she sent me her pen was a gesture that has left me speechless. I always knew Lynilu was a true friend, but this just sealed the deal. Thanks Lynilu.

Here is a picture of Bonk from tonight. She secretly told me last night that she is so happy she is not in Shreveport. I couldn't be happier that I get to keep my young at heart 20 year old cat. It's hard to believe that she has been with me since I was 14. What a great companion she has been.

Tonight Astro new Daddy stopped by to return the carrier I let them borrow. I can't tell you how nice of a guy he is. I guess Astro had an accident when he first got there and the guy was not upset at all. He knew that Astro was probably just really scared and missing our home. I sat and talked with this guy for probably 30 minutes tonight. He seems so sweet and already seems in love with Astro.

One last thing: Did you know the group Chicago has a song called Caroline? I was on iTunes (I think I need a 12 step program to get off of it) and saw they had a song called Caroline. I LOVE it. It might even be better then Sweet Caroline and definitely better then Roses by Outkast. Chicago's Caroline seems more appropriate for what I have been through the last 5 months. You can click HERE for the lyrics.

What Happened to STL?

I have had several people ask me what has happened to STL. So for all of you that are curious here is the story.

STL was pretty upset with me when I told her that I felt like I could not be in a serious relationship at this time. It took her a couple weeks to adjust to the fact that we were just friends. I felt like crap having to tell her that we would only be friends, but knew that I had to do that for me. STL and I remain really good friends. We've had our ups and downs like most friends do, but overall we are still really good friends. In fact, she is taking 2 days off work next week to come and help me move. Her being there helping me is making the move so much less stressful for me. The only thing she asked for in return for helping me was some of KC's great BBQ. I think I can arrange that.

Yesterday was kind of a rough day for me, but what Sunday isn't. I had to go into work for a couple hours to complete fire drills at the resident apartments. After I left I was called 8 different times. And it was for stupid stuff. I am taking 3 hours comp time from yesterday considering I was there and then they kept calling me.

After I completed the fire drills I went to my gym to cancel my membership. I haven't been since the end of April and the new apartment has a fitness center. For some reason the gym Laura and I belonged to is very depressing for me. I think part of the reason is we spent so much time there together the last few months we were together. As I walked in would you believe the song they were playing was their song. I was like, WTF. Even more reason to not have to go back to that gym. Maybe one day I will be able to go back there, but right now I just can't. (and for those who care their song is Far Away by Nickleback. Do you realize how many songs have been ruined for me)

I ended up taking a 3 hour nap yesterday. I was worried that I would not be able to sleep last night and I was right. I was still up around 1:30am. But when the alarm went off this morning I felt completely refreshed and ready to take on the world again.

This week will be spent cleaning the house. Everything is packed that is going and I am learning to live out of boxes.

Oh, and over the weekend I was looking at different bumper stickers and came across the following that have to do with Jehovah's Witness'. Now if I just had the courage to put them on my car.
1) I'm Jehovah...And you didn't witness shit
2) Jehovah's Witness Relocation Program
3) Proud member of the EXJW fan club.

I may not have courage to put them on my car, but I am sure I could muster up enough courage to put them on a couple other cars.

**If you are interested in any of these bumper stickers click HERE. They have bumper stickers, shirts and other stuff for any religion or topic. Check it out, it's fun. OH, and I forgot my favorite bumper sticker: "Go Ahead Shun Me".

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Perfect Hiding Place

For the last few weeks Sophie and the cats have been affected by all the packing. There are boxes in every room of the house and I know they sense that something is going on. Plus, in the last month they have had to say goodbye to two of their buddies; Sophie cat and Astro. I swear I have heard that cats say, "shit, who's going to be voted off the island next?" All of this is another reason that I am anxious to get settled in the new place. We will all be able to relax again.

Last night I was looking for Ben and could not find him. As I was walking back to the back door I noticed his new hiding place.
Just an FYI: I not normally let the cats up on the fridge like this. I was just so shocked that little Ben was up there that all I could think of to do was grab the camera.
Ben has that look on his face like he is wondering how he got up there and more importantly how he is going to get down.
I love this shot of Ben. You know he is telling himself, "I know I can do it".

I am looking forward to seeing the new hiding places the babies find at the new place.

Saturday, July 21, 2007

Just Because

To Whom it May Concern:

Just because I am a social worker it does not mean that I know how to solve all my own problems.

Just because I am a social worker it does not mean that I don't need someone to talk to now and then.

Just because I am a social worker it does mean that I am always strong and confident in what I do.

Just because I am a social worker it does mean that I always know what to say to you to help you with your problems.

Just wanted to let you know that just like you, I am only human.


Friday, July 20, 2007

Two of My Favorite Things

Nothing gets better then Sophie and Penelope on a Friday night.

It's been a busy picture night. Click HERE for more pics. (There is a picture of me on my wedding day)


I am so glad it's Friday. I feel like I have been burning the candle at both ends lately. My days at work are spent putting out fires and then I got home and sort through my stuff and pack. I am tired. I just want to sleep. I woke up this morning when the alarm went off and could not remember what day it was. When I realized it was not the weekend yet, I was pissed. This week alone at work I have had 6 techs call in. I understand people get sick, but it seems like it has been nonstop this week. I have a few techs that have been really helping me and I am so thankful for them for putting in extra hours.

Friday mornings we have our managers meeting. In the middle of the meeting (and while I was going over my issues) this guy walked in. I had no idea who he was, but I kept talking. About ten minutes later my boss said, "have you guys met?" Turns out it was the CEO of our company. The CEO smiled and said he knew who I was the minute he walked in; wish I had known who he was. He commented how I was doing a great job and my boss interrupted him and said, "she is doing a phenomenal job". OK, I think I can get through another day knowing that maybe I am doing a good job. With some of the mistakes I make since I am still fairly new, it's always good to hear that others think I am still doing a good job.

Astro's new owners emailed me this morning and said he is adjusting well. They said he is eating, using the litter box and has even sat on their laps. That's my boy. I am happy that he is adjusting well and it makes the weight that is on my heart a littler lighter. If I could have kept him, I would have.

My wonderful friend came over last night and we got rest of the house packed up. All that is left is the bathroom stuff I am using and my clothes. All of those will just take a few minutes to pack the morning I move. Now I am going to work on cleaning the house. I am so thankful that I have friends that are willing to spend their evenings helping me pack.

OK, 5 hours until my week is over. Because most of the house stuff is done, I plan on doing NOTHING this weekend. I will be watching lots of movies and being as lazy as I want.

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Thank You for Loving Me

Astro is in his new home now. The family that adopted Astro came by to meet him tonight and fell in love with him immediatly. I love (!!!!) the family that adopted him. They wanted to make sure they bought the same kind of food he was eating so they would not upset his stomach, the wanted the name of my vet so they could make sure they take him to a vet that knows him AND to top it all off they called me about 45 minutes after they left because they were at Walmart and wanted to know what kind of treats he likes. The family also said I could have a couple more days with Astro if I needed it, but I decided that it would be best if he went with them tonight. I feel really good about all of this and as usual God has taken care of my worry and given Astro a family that will love him to pieces. Oh, and they said they would email me pictures to show how Astro is adjusting to his new home. They seemed very open to keeping in touch with me and letting me know how he is doing.

This morning Astro came up and got into bed with me. He has not done this in months and it was as if he sensed that our time together was ending. I spent about 30 minutes just loving on him and making sure he knew I loved him.

As I put Astro in the carrier I kissed him and thanked him for loving me.

Thursday 13

This is my first attempt at Thursday Thirteen. It's perfect for a day like today when I have like a million thoughts going on in my mind.

1) Why in the world must I work with some of the most incompetent people on the earth? I have never had so much assuming in my life. To me, assuming just means you are lazy. I guess my techs have forgot what happened during the month of June. Do I really need to remind them that I am not afraid to get rid of them if they are not doing their job?

2) The nurse on one of my units is a total fruit cake. I am still trying to figure out why it's my responsibility when there are medication errors. She makes a lot more money then me and she knows what meds are what. The kicker was when she said she wanted to meet with me for an hour each day to go over medication errors. If I had an extra hour in my work day I would not be sitting with her going over medication errors. Ugh...

3) I really miss having a family today.

4) I am not sure if it's just my imagination or not, but I swear the dog and cats are scratching more and none of them wanted in the bed with me last night. We might all be wearing flea collars by the end of this week.

5) I still love my tattoo and smile the biggest smile everytime I see it.

6) Someone should have warned me about downloading music from iTunes while intoxicated. Somehow this week I downloaded $55 worth of music. Some of the songs are great, but others I am wondering what the hell I was thinking.

7) I am not a drinking person, but I think my job will lead me to become an alcoholic.

8) It's been hotter then hell in Kansas City this week. I am praying for cool weather the weekend I move. If it is hot, then I am going to be no fun to be around. (Yes this is a warning for anyone that has offered to help me move)

9) Why can Sophie not wait 30 more minutes in the morning to go out? It never fails she wakes me up 30 minutes before the alarm goes off to go outside.

10) Laura told me last night that I am too sentimental. I would rather be sentimental then have a heart that is cold.

11) Eleven used to be my lucky number, but I think Seven is now my lucky number. Seven just makes sense to me at this point in my life. (more on that later)

12) My house is a complete disaster and it's driving me nuts. I like things to be in their place and it's just not possible right now while I am packing. My OCD is kicking in big time and I hope I can make it through the next two weeks.

13) Without realizing it, the new tech that I hired apparently looks just like me. Everyone is thinking I hired my sister. Every time someone says I look like someone I wonder if I am related to them in some way. (I am adopted)

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Wrap Up

This evening went better then I had expected. Laura and I were able to talk and clear the air some. Overall, it was a good evening. I think I realized that I can not continue to be angry with her for the way she decides to live her life. I am happy with the way I am living my life and that is all I need to worry about.

One of our residents buildings has a horrible problem with fleas. There are some stray cats that live behind the building and I suspect that the clients are petting the cats and bringing in the fleas. We are working hard to clear up the problem and I wonder if we will have fleas until the first hard freeze. I had to go to this particular building this afternoon and wait while the phone company installed another line. The whole time I was there I felt like there were things crawling on me, but I just figured I was being paranoid. One my way back to the main building I felt something on my arm and there was a damn flea. Crap. Rest of the afternoon I was just counting down the hours until I could go home and shower.

Sophie (and the cats) are going to be pissed at me if I give them fleas.

Tomorrow night I have a friend coming over to help with packing and to start cleaning the house. Oh, and that guy is coming to look at Astro. I continue to give my worry about finding the boys a home to God. I know it will work out somehow.

Oh, and I decided that if I write a a book (which I would love to do someday) about my experience of being a Jehovah's Witness and then coming out gay, it will be titled: God is not a Jehovah's Witness. What do you think?


Here is a pic of one of my worry stones. This is the one I have set out for the boys, Brady and Astro.

I have been talking with a guy that put an ad on Craigslist wanting "A big fat lazy cat to share the couch with". I emailed him and told him I had the perfect cat for him, Astro. Astro loves laying on the couch and I sent the guy a picture of Astro laying on the couch with all 4 in the air. After seeing the picture, the guy arranged with me to come meet Astro tomorrow night. I pray that it all works out. And if it doesn't work out with this person, then I know somehow it will all work out. I am kind of hoping that when he comes to the house he will meet Brady and want him too. Brady is one of the friendliest cats. He greets everyone that comes into the house and isn't afraid to show love.

Tonight Laura is coming by the house to get rest of her stuff. I put all her stuff in one area, so she shouldn't be at the house that long. One thing that really annoys me about Laura is the fact that she hides from Sharon the fact that she talks to me. She will only call me when Sharon is not around. When Laura and I talked on Monday I told her that the fact that she was hiding me from Sharon really annoyed me. I asked her what she was hiding because there isn't anything on this end. Again she said nothing. I can't be friends with her if she is not willing to be honest with Sharon. I wonder if Laura is able to be honest about anything anymore. It seems that not telling the truth, or avoiding the truth has become so much easier for her. Makes me sad for her sake.

There is something going around work that involves going to the bathroom, A LOT. I have already spent most of my work day in the bathroom. Ugh, I hate this.

Tuesday, July 17, 2007


Damn, I wish I had seen this before we put tile down in the bathroom. Can you imagine the floor of your bathroom looking like this? It kind of makes me sick to my stomach.

The Top Spot

The benefits of working with such a diverse group of people is you get to find out all the really good places to eat. One of my techs was telling me about this place down the street from where I work that has the best polish sausage. I am always on the look for the perfect polish sausage. I think I might have found it.

I work in the middle of the inner city. There are some places that are kind of scary. The Top Spot is a local convienance store that I would have never stopped in before. As I pulled up today there were a group of five or six grown men just standing on the corner. Oh, and there was a prostitute standing by the front door as I walked in. Once inside the place was very nice and I could see the polish sausages. I knew I had found the right place.

Oh. My. God. I just ate my polish sausage and it was heavenly.

I can't wait for lunch tomorrow.

Monday, July 16, 2007

End of the Day

I am still trying to sort through everything that happened today. If you think it ended with Laura, then you would be wrong.

But first, the rest of the story with Laura. After we got off the phone I got a text message from her saying she had sent me an email. It was the oddest email that I have ever gotten from her. In it, she pretty much said that she knows she does not follow thru with things and that is something she continues to struggle with. She admitted that she has done a lot of things wrong in this whole breakup and she was sorry. She said some other things I had been wanting her to say, but will keep those between the two of us. After I read the email I went to my car and called her. The assertive Caroline came out during this conversation. I thanked her for the email, but told her that I am still really angry with her about not just Bonk, but everything. I told her that to me she is living the big life down in Shreveport. I explained to her (through my tears) that I will be financially trying to get back on my feet for years because of her decisions. She then went on to tell me (through her tears) that by no means is she living the high life in Shreveport. I told her that I didn't think she was happy and that personally she sounded miserable. She didn't say anything. I am not surprised because I think she realizes that maybe she might have made the wrong choice. We got off the phone with her saying she would be by on Wednesday night to get rest of her stuff.

After we got off the phone I went to lunch. I sat in my car for 45 minutes crying. I was crying for the two cats that did not deserve to be in a situation for this. I cried for the two cats that have been my buddies for the last 12 years. I cried because I had become a person that I never wanted to be. (a person that gives up their pets just because they are moving, etc)

After lunch I went into my office and tried to focus on work. But I kept thinking about what I was going to do. I called several rescue missions that told me both Brady and Astro would be put to sleep in any place they go. I just didn't know what I was going to do or how I was going to handle the emotional guilt I was feeling.

When Laura and I first split up our house payment got behind. It got behind because of her empty promises, etc. It was 2 months behind. I never blogged about this because I was not proud of this fact. In the 10 years I have owned this house I have never had a late payment. Selling the house was a blessing. The down payment they were going to pay was going to get us up to date on the payments. I still needed to pay July's payment and was going to on Friday when I got paid. In this whole process Laura and I had applied with the mortgage company for a deferment or a rate mortification. They continued to tell us no on the deferment. Our application is still being processed for the rate mortification. I decided to call today around 3pm to see what the status was on the application. I had to go through the entire automated menu and when it got to the part about payments it said our next payment was due August 1, not July 1 like I had expected. I talked with someone in customer service and they explained that July's payment was deferred. I couldn't believe it. That means I will have an extra $1000+ to help me get settled in my new place. (boy it's expensive to move)

Three weeks ago one of my techs saw I was getting stressed with work. She gave me 4 worry stones and said that any problems I have I needed to give to God. I took the stones not thinking too much about them. Well, a few days after she gave me the stones I took one and asked God to help me with my financial situation. I set the stone on my keyboard and gave up my worry to God. Every time I thought about how I was going to do it money wise, I would remind myself that I gave that worry up to God.

Today, God took care of that problem. And I am forever grateful.

A few minutes after I got off the phone with the mortgage company I picked up another worry stone. I told God that I was giving my worry of finding a home for Brady and Astro to Him.

Oh, and another thing I learned today (which I should have already known): God is not a Jehovah's Witness.

Laura Drama

Last week I talked with Laura about her coming to town for work and to get Bonk. Out of no where she said, "do you know anyone that would want to keep her. I am not sure I want to bring her down here with me because of what happened to Sophie cat and I can't afford another huge vet bill." I told her that I was already struggling to find a home for Astro. She then had the fucking nerve to ask if I would call my parents to see if they would take Bonk. Yea, OK, I am going to call the people that hate me the most and who I have not had a decent conversation with in 3+ years and see if they want to take my cat. By the end of the conversation she said she would still take Bonk with her.

I got this weird feeling over the weekend like Laura was going to call me and tell me she could not take Bonk. So I called her this morning and she told me, "I don't want to bring Bonk down here with me."

What a fucking bitch. I have 2 fucking weeks before I am to move and she tells me she can not take Bonk.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

I did tell Laura that that is fine because I do not want Bonk with someone that does not want her.

I told Laura that I was not surprised since she rarely follows thru with anything. She did not understand why I would say that. I told her all she had to do was to look around at the house and all the unfinished projects she started and she would know what I meant.

I feel sorry for her and I am so glad that I am not her and living her miserable life. She may be happy now, but all of this will catch up with her one day.

To make matters worse I still have to see her when she comes to get rest of her stuff from the house. It's been 4 fucking months since we were over. I told her she needed to come get rest of her crap out of the house.

She is going to be surprised at the new assertive Caroline when she comes to town.

*Edited* I will be keeping Bonk since she is 20 years old. I now need to find homes for Astro and Brady, both who are 12. It's not going to be easy since most people don't want to adopt an older cat even though both Brady and Astro are in excellent health.

Sunday, July 15, 2007


When I first saw this commercial I loved the song. It took me a few weeks, but I finally figured out who this song is by. It's called "Perfect Timing" by Orba Squara. And of course I found it on iTunes.

I've only had Penelope for 2 weeks now, but I am already itching for an iPhone. I think I will wait until the prices come down a bit, but it still looks like the coolest thing.

*Keep reading below: I have been on a blogging fool today*


One of the benefits of being private is I can now show pictures of my nephews without fear of getting nasty emails saying I am exploiting the poor babies on my perverted blog. So, here are some pictures I found while packing more this afternoon. They are so cute and damn do I miss them. I have 4 nephews total: Neko 13 (gasp....a teenager), Alec 5, Austin 3 and Parker 1 1/2. I have pictures of Neko and Austin, but today only found pics of Alec. I am sure once I get unpacked at the new place I will be posting pictures of Austin and Neko. I have never met Parker, so I have no pictures of him.
This is Macguire and Alec. Macguire is my cousin Joel's son. Alec and Macguire are just 3 months apart. Joel and his wife used to dress Macguire up like a little adult. It was so cute and he always had the cutest hats.
Here is Alec at 6 months. Because my brother and his current wife have no stability in their life, they spent a lot of time at my parents. He was so cute and had the cutest personality. He used to love sitting in my lap, sucking his finger and playing with my hair. The last time I saw him he sat on my lap for about an hour doing that.
Here is my favorite picture of me and my Mom. I am guessing this picture was taken in 2002. This was back when life was perfect, at least for them.
L-R: Uncle Jim, Aunt Leslie, Joel, Mom and Dad. I have no idea when this picture was taken and I have no idea why they are blowing kisses to the camera. Maybe they are all kissing me goodbye.

And the Packing Continues

We had a gorgeous sunset last night. We had storms moving in and the sky was breathtaking. I am going to miss the sunsets when I move into my apartment. I won't have a good view of the gorgeous sunsets that Kansas City gets.

Each day I continue to pack a little more. All my dishes and glasses are packed, so for the next couple of weeks I will be eating off paper plates. I have gone through the canned goods and gotten rid of all the stuff I know I will never use or that is outdated. Note to self: go through the cabinets more then I have in the past. Boy, there was a lot of stuff that had been pushed to the back and were so outdated.

Laura will be in town this week for work and to pick up Bonk. I would do anything to keep Bonk, but I just don't see how it would work out. Oh, and I am still looking for a home for Asrto. He's one of the most loving cats I know. So if any of you would love to welcome a wonderful cat into your home, please let me know.

It seems like it's a typical Sunday in my mind. I think I am just feeling a little down and kind of having a pity party for myself. There are so many people that I know that are taking vacations and I am so angry that ALL my vacations for this year were fucked up by Laura.


Instead, any money that I could have spent on a vacation, even a small one, is being spent towards moving into an apartment. In all my life, I have never known someone that has spent most of her adult life being so selfish and self absorbed.

There....I feel better. Sorry I had to bring you along for this pity party.

Monday can't get here soon enough.

Friday, July 13, 2007

iPod Love

I am so in love with my iPod. To be honest it was not an instant love. I had a lot of trouble figuring out how to transfer all my songs (111 to be exact) from my Windows Media Player. I had more then just a little bit of trouble. At one point I was thinking, "the friend that gave me this can have it back because it is obviously a lot smarter then me". But then this same friend worked with me and my computer to get the songs transferred. Bad thing is I was only able to transfer about 1/2 the songs. Apparently Walmart (where I downloaded most of my songs) blocks the songs from being transferred to iTunes. Bastards. But, I have discovered iTunes which is so much better then Walmart.

I rarely go anywhere without my iPod. I have an adapter for the car so I have no idea what they are playing on the radio anymore. That's ok, I am enjoying my road down memory lane with all my favorite songs from the 80s and 90s. Remember that song Luka from the late 80s? Yea, that is the song that is currently stuck in my head. I guess it's pretty appropriate for my job.

My iPod has become my new (and very cheap) form of therapy. One of the greatest feelings is turning the music up loudly and singing at the top of your lungs to work through some of your anger. I guess I should get all of that in now before I move to an apartment and I have neighbors right next to me. I really don't want to be known as the crazy lady that sings loudly. I find that when I am singing the loudest all the cats are right by me. Either they really love my singing or I am making a noise that only cats can hear.

I find that turning on the iPod while I am driving is very calming for me. For example: when I went over to one of our resident buildings early this morning I came out to a parking ticket. Apparently my car was not enough behind the little sign. The result was a $38 parking ticket. Again...bastards. But the minute my iPod came on and heard Air Supply (shut up) singing about being all out of love...life was good again.

I need to come up with a new name for my best friend. I hate just calling it my iPod. Any suggestions as to what I shall call my new friend?

Thursday, July 12, 2007


I meant to blog about this last weekend, but I got busy with the transition to a private blog.

I went and saw "Evening" and can I tell you how much I loved it. It's a little slow to begin with, but turned out to be one of the most amazing movies. It's one of those movies that really makes you think.

Go see it!! It will make you laugh, cry and think.

Two thumbs up!

I Rock

I had the great honor of being nominated for the Rockin' Girl Blogger award by Patti. This is my second award I have received. Thank you Patti for the kind words you said about me and for your continued support.

So, now onto my nominations. I nominate the following: (if you are nominated you need to nominate 4-5 Rockin' Girl Bloggers)

Syd from Adrenaline's Shadow. I love her blog, but also am a little nervous when I click on her blog when I am at work. I never know what I will find on her blog. Oh, and I love her comments about my family. She knows what to say at the exact moment to make me laugh. Thanks Syd.

Sandra from Not that Desperate. I love Sandra and I love reading about all her animal rescues. Plus she educates me on all the new cool things out there. Sandra also really understands what it's like to come from a family that is consumed with religion.

Bobbi from Random Thoughts of a Simple Girl. Bobbi has really become a good friend of mine in the last four months. She is one of the sweetest persons I know. She is currently struggling a lot right now with her health, but from her blog it seems she always has a smile on her face. Oh, and thanks to her I finally learned how to spell completely. Completely is one of those words that I never seemed to get right.

Jaded Mama from Day to Day. This is a woman that has overcome great tragedy in the last year. After many years of trouble getting pregnant she finally became pregnant about a year and a half ago with triplets. The babies were born early and passed away within a week of being born. She now has one of the cutest babies and has shown real resilience through all her loss.

Reading my list of blogs is one of the highlights of my day. Thank you all for being part of my day to day life.

Smile everyone: tomorrow is Friday.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007


OK, I am so relieved right now. I called the moving company that is moving me in three weeks just to verify that they still have me on the schedule for August 3. They do and much to my surprise I had them put in the price 25 boxes that are to be moved as well. Whew. I was so afraid that I was going to be moving all the boxes by myself. I will make sure that the 25 boxes they take will be the heaviest.

I also called the cable company last night to transfer my service. They will be out 2 hours after the movers drop off my stuff to hook up my cable, phone and Internet. I was a little afraid that I was going to have to wait 2-3 days until that service was up and running. Can you imagine the horror of being without cable and the Internet for 2-3 days. I might have been forced to actually read or something. So glad it did not come to that. :)

Looks like everything is coming together. I guess there is no turning back now. Now if I could just figure out how to say goodbye to a house filled with a lifetime of memories.

Tuesday, July 10, 2007

I Am Not Usually Like This

I am not usually this serious. It seems that it's been a while since I did not talk about a serious subject on my blog. Hopefully by going private a lot of the drama that has been in my life will soon go away. Here are some pics from the last few weeks.

Look who dropped by to visit me. Too bad I was not home. I am always up for a good debate. At first I was going to throw the magazine out then I realized that I could use it to pack my small breakable things. Gosh, do you think I could have them come by to give me some more magazines for packing. Yea, I didn't thought so....
Sophie and Bonk taking an afternoon nap. Bonk has been so loving the last couple of months. It's as if she feels she is going somewhere away from the other pets. At the current time her favorite pet to cuddle with is Sophie. Wherever Sophie is Bonk is usually just a few feet away.

I swear in this photo Sophie is saying "Shhh, don't wake the baby."
Here is Ms. Bonk. She will be going down to Shreveport with Laura next Thursday. Damn, I am going to miss this face.

Monday, July 09, 2007

All of You

Do you hear that?

That would be the sound of peace.

What an overwhelming feeling of gratitude I am feeling right now. I have received more emails and comments in the last week in support of my blog going private then I have in the last month combined.

My life used to be an open book for anyone to read, look in or comment about. I realized that by allowing my blog to be public there was a lot of negative energy that was coming into my life.

I personally thank each of you for your friendship and support. If you are reading this, then you are special and have touched my heart.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Taking Flight

It seems that I have lived my life for others for as long as I can remember. Today was a day for me to reclaim my life.

For the first time in my life I feel free.

It was 1999 when I first had feelings for a woman. Three years ago I had enough courage to admit that I love women. I knew the backlash from my family was going to be tough and I knew it was going to hurt deep within my soul. Even though I knew it was going to hurt and probably one of the toughest things I have ever done, I don't think I really knew how much I would struggle or how much I would hurt at times.

Yes the struggle has been hard. There were many days when I didn't think I could go on. But somehow I continued to find the strength to go on. On those days when I was really down it would be something small that would give me enough strength to go on. It is true that God gives you what you need at the exact moment that you need it.

I used to doubt God's love for me. As I walked out of the Kingdom Hall for the last time I was told that God (Jehovah) would no longer love me or hear my prayers. Even though I knew they were wrong, there were times I would doubt God's love for me. I now know that the elders that told me that obviously do not worship the same God as I do.

I wanted to do something that was a symbol of the strength I have had the last four months. It wasn't too hard to decide what to do since I have wanted to do this for a while now. So, today I got a tattoo. And can I tell you, I have never been happier.

When thinking about the design it was a clear choice. I have always loved dragonflies because to me they are the most beautiful little creatures that also have a lot of strength. You wouldn't think something so small would be so strong. Just like me, you can't judge them from looks alone.

I also wanted to incorporate yesterdays date. As I mentioned before I love numbers. The number 7 kept coming up and it seemed appropriate that I put the number 7 in the design somehow.

So, here are a few pics of my adventure yesterday.

Here I am getting the tattoo. Joseph did an amazing job and I couldn't be happier. I got the tattoo on my right hip.

Here is the tattoo. I love it!! It is simple, yet says so much. I love this design because it seems the dragonfly is in flight; kind of like me at this point in my life.

One thing I have learned about myself is I am determined. If I say I am going to do something then I will do whatever it takes to complete the project/task. I decided on Thursday that I was going to get a tattoo. I only got nervous yesterday when I was waiting. The place I went is one of the best in town and it's no uncommon for you to have to wait. We got there at noon and we were one of the first in line and still had to wait over two hours. Sitting there for those two hours I did get a little nervous, but I was determined to follow through with what I wanted to do.

I think I was a little nervous because I was afraid that it was going to hurt. But really it wasn't that bad. Now, it is a little sore this morning, but the minute I look at it I forget about the pain.

Just like the dragonfly, I feel that I have finally found my wings. I am ready to take flight, so if you are up for the ride...hang on.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Courage to Change

Thank you all for the emails and comments with your email address. I am hoping to make the transition on either Sunday or Monday morning. You can still email me or leave me a comment with your email address if you have not yet.

So, tomorrow is 7-7-07. A few months ago I was really hating the year 2007. It seemed like I could not catch a break. Whatever could go wrong did go wrong. At least that is what I thought.

A change in my attitude has made all the difference. I am now looking at all the things that have happened as an opportunity. My view of 2007 is different then it was even just a month ago.

I love numbers. So tomorrow seems like a pretty special day since the date is just filled with 7's. Growing up as a Jehovah's Witness one of the things they taught us is that 7 means complete.

So, with tomorrow being all about the number 7 it seems appropriate that I do something that I have always wanted to do, but never had the courage to.

It's a big weekend in Caroline in the City land. Not only am I reclaiming my life, but I am doing something that until just the last few days never thought I had enough courage to.

Stay tuned for an exciting post about how I reclaimed my life and had the courage to change everything I have ever known.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

My Independence Day

First of all, thank you all for you kind words of support. I knew I had a lot of people that love reading about Caroline in the City, but the last post and all your comments reaffirmed that. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I have decided to make this blog private. It may not always be private, but right now I really need my privacy. I need to make a clean break in order for me to heal completely. I realized that in order for me to heal there are certain people I can have no contact with. It was probably one of the hardest decisions I have ever made, but I know I need to do this for me. It's time to close this chapter in my life. Negative energy is no longer welcome in my life.

Please leave me your email address either in the comments or you can email me your address to carolinesemail73@yahoo.com

I will leave this post up until the weekend. Hopefully by Sunday I will take back my life.

Be sure to check below this post for new posts

Just Like Me...Sort Of

Tuesday night there was the most interesting story on "Family Secrets" on ABC. They did a story about a King in India that is gay and has gone public with being gay. You can read the whole story HERE.

Kind of reminded me of my life story.

Oh wait, I am not a King (although I have been told that at times I act like a Princess), I don't live in India and I probably won't go to jail for being gay (although my parents would love to see me in jail).

Huh, I guess it's not like my story, but it's still a good story.

Happy Belated 4th of July

It's weird how things are just feeling different. For instance on my birthday it did not feel like my birthday. And yesterday did not feel like the 4th of July. I'm not really sure what the 4th of July is suppose to feel like, but it didn't feel like it has in the past.

I think part of the reason it did not feel like the 4th of July is because I had to work. I am still working on filling those 2 positions, so since we are short staffed and no one (and I mean no one) wanted to work I ended up working the second shift. I was suppose to get off at midnight, but the two techs that come in for third shift didn't show up until 12:20am. I think they were very surprised to see me sitting there when they came in. I was too tired to deal with it and just headed home.

Before I left to go into work I turned the radio on and the TV so the animals would not freak out too much with all the fireworks. When I got home Sophie had pushed the comforter, sheets and pillows off the pillow. She hates loud noises and I am sure she was freaked out being there by herself.

Each day I make a little more progress on the house. I find that if I pack a little each day then it does not seem so overwhelming. I think in the next week I am going to pack up most of the kitchen. There are many things (OK, a lot) that I do not use on a daily basis. I am just going to buy paper plates to use until I move out.

I can not tell you how excited I am to be getting into new surroundings. I have this picture in my mind of me coming home to the apartment after work and it just seems so peaceful. As much as I am going to miss the house because of all the sentimental values, a fresh new start is just what the doctor has ordered.

P.S. Does anyone know what's up with PostSecret? There were no new secrets this past Sunday. When I read some of those secrets what I am dealing with does not seem all that bad.

Wednesday, July 04, 2007

Monday, July 02, 2007

Going Private?

I am thinking of making my blog private. I hate to do that, but I am so tired of receiving comments from my brother about crap. And the comments I receive from my brother I do not publish and I just kind of hold their contents inside. I am starting to feel the pressure from holding all his nasty comments inside and I need to do something to stop it.

I know there are readers that do not comment, but I need to know if I made this blog private how many of you would still read it.

Please leave me a comment to let me know if you would still read if I made the blog private. It would mean that I would have to have your email in order to have it set up so you could get in.

Just an idea that is floating around in my head....Let me know what you all think.

At some point I need to stop the abuse from my family even if they will not.

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Rough 2 Days

It's been a rough weekend. A lot of things have happened and I am still trying to wrap my brain everything that has happened since I got off work on Friday.

I got a threatening comment on here from my brother yesterday morning saying that my parents are getting ready to file papers in court against me. Even if this never happens, the very thought of my parents taking me to court is almost overwhelming.

Last night I had a friend in crisis and there was nothing I could do being so far away from her. I just kept praying hoping it would all turn out ok and that she was ok. I have not heard anything from her since 4:30am. My heart will not rest until I know she is ok.

When I start feeling overwhelmed I listen to music to calm down. It's perfect that I got my IPOD on Friday before all this happened.

Excuse me while I escape into my own world for a while.