So after almost 4 years I pull into my parents driveway. Their house is kind of in an H shape and you have to walk up to this big deck that is surrounded by windows of the living room. I notice that my Mom is asleep in her chair and I also that she just looks older. I ring the door bell and no one comes to the door. I then knock on the door and my Mom answers the door. I could tell that she was not expecting to see me when she opened the door. I don't remember who said something first, but at some point I told her that I wanted to talk with her and Dad. Right when I said that my Dad walked up. His response was so different then my Moms. He put his arms out for a big hug and said that I should have called because he would have put another steak on the grill. I think I was really surprised by his response to seeing me. I think I have seen my Dad once or twice in the last 4 years and it was only because I ran into him at the store and his response was never this happy to see me. For a minute I was taken back to what it used to be like when I would stop by.
I followed my parents into their living room and as we walked back I noticed that my Mom was walking with a cane. This really surprised and kind of shocked me. I then just told them that I needed for them to know that I loved them and I was not angry about anything anymore and that four years is a really long time for us not to be talking. I told them about going out with some friends to celebrate the fact that I had wonderful parents who gave me a great start in life. They both just kind of stood there and didn't say anything. I really think they were expecting me to be angry and/or upset, but I was the calmest I probably have ever been. My Dad said he was so happy that I decided to stop by and tell them that and they really appreciated it. My Mom just kind of sat there and looked at me and then said, "You are the one that walked away from us." She then got up and walked out of the room. She told me that she did not want to be in the same room as me. I told her that it was OK and that I just wanted her to know that I loved her.
My Dad and I then started talking about their cats; all of who I do not know. It's sad to know that the cats they had 4 years ago are no longer around. He was in complete shock that Bonk was still alive and he asked "how old is that damn cat?" I told him that I had a couple of friends in the car and we had just gone out to celebrate them as my parents and he really seemed touched by what I was saying to him. We made small talk for a bit and then I told him to call me and we would get together for lunch or something.
As we were saying goodbye my Mom opened the front door again. She wanted to know the motives behind me stopping by. I explained again that I just wanted to let them know that I loved them. It seemed really hard for my Mom to look at me while we were talking and I felt really sad for her. I could see the pain and the struggle she is having. I know she is torn about what to do and I just wanted her to know that I understood that struggle and still loved her.
My Mom tried to say things that would be hurtful, but I remained calmed and just kept reminding her that I loved her. She brought up the usual religion stuff and I told her that my issues with the religion had nothing to do with her. She then reminded me that being a Jehovah's Witness is "what she is". I know I will never win that fight. She then said she could not have a relationship with someone that is agnostic. I told her that I very much so believe in God and she found that very surprising. I don't understand why people think that just because someone is gay then they have no relationship with God. (I think I will have to write a post about my view on this.) I did tell her that she should just ask me some questions because she really hasn't asked and has just assumed so many things. My Mom tried to argue about what the Bible says and I just stopped her and told that I did not come by to argue. We then said goodbye and I walked to my car. One funny thing though.....she did ask who was in the car waiting for me. I told her it was a couple friends and her response was, "Are they lesbians, too??" I think it's funny that people automatically assume that everyone I hang out with is gay as well. (This would be another good post)
For 4 years I have had absolutely no hope in having a relationship with my parents. But tonight I have this small glimmer of hope. I don't know if my parents will ever call me or if we will ever have a relationship again, but they know I love them and that is all that matters right now. Letting go of this horrible anger I had for my family was huge for me. My heart feels so much lighter and I feel like I can breathe again. I really think the anger I had for my parents had this huge hold on my heart and I now realize I have lost so much because of closing off my heart.
That will never happen again.