Wednesday, June 11, 2008


I almost died last night. Literally.

MJ and I had walked this trail before and I had no problem, but last night this trail kicked my ass. I know part of the reason it was harder was because it's warmer and more humid and we walked at the end of the day. We walked for an hour and are guessing we walked 4 miles. I could not feel my legs by the time we got back to her house. Oh, and 10 minutes after we started walking I had to pee. The last 10 minutes were the hardest and this was the point where I saw my life flash before my eyes. There is this monster hill at the beginning of her subdivision and I made a joke about racing up the hill. We did run up for about a minute and then stopped. By that point I was out of breathe and really had trouble catching my breathe. At one point I felt like I was getting ready to hyperventilate, but I kept going. I probably should have stopped for a second, but I didn't want to seem like a wuss.

I have lost weight in the past, but this time seems so hard emotionally. I feel like I am finally getting to the core issues as to why I have put on weight in the last 15 years and dealing with some of these issues is not fun. This morning when I was driving to work I felt like dealing with all these emotions is like peeling an onion and the more I tear away at these issues the harder it becomes. But I am determined to do it this time and change my life.

When I started putting on weight I know it was because I was trying to protect myself. I had just married my ex-husband and I was miserable inside. Even though I was told that this was what I was suppose to do I was not happy. I pretended to be happy and the end result was the weight gain. My body does an excellent job at letting me know when things are not right; even if I may not realize it at the time. I need to learn to listen to my body more often.

For some reason I was looking through my baby book last night and I was looking at some of my early accomplishments. It was very apparent that I took my time in doing things. For example I did not sit up by myself until I was 11 months, I did not cut my first tooth until 11 months, I didn't walk until I was 18 months and I did not say my first word until I was 2. My Mom wrote an interesting thing that is my new favorite quote:

She may be slow but she is determined.

It's good to know that even at a young age I was seen as determined.

This determination that I have made me tell MJ today that even though I am exhausted and sore I will be there at 6pm to walk this trail again, and maybe even run all the way up the hill.


~Deb said...

I've always struggled with weight and found that the root causes were depression and anxiety. Instead of turning to food only, I would turn to alcohol, which can pack a lot of weight on. When I was unhappy, I drank a lot. These past few months since I got out of a bad situation, I've been feeling better and exercising more and even cutting down the alcohol intake. I've lost some weight, and hopefully plan on losing more.

But there are triggers that make me eat & drink more, which we both know that's the first step to getting better: acknowledging it.

I wish you the best of health & happiness!


Audra said...

I've always struggled with weight and it came from a bad family situation and depression. I am still dealing with the issues now (obviously) I lose, then I gain it all back and then some.

Throughout your entire blog I always get a great sense of determination from you.

Renaissance Woman said...

Good for you girl! I think it's great that you are pushing yourself. Weight gain/loss is a crappy constant in life but I agree that it is tied to our emotions. You have done so much that has been good for you...the weight will come off. Keep trying.

Sandra said...

"...but I didn't want to seem like a wuss."

As if anyone would think that!

We're in such a weight-obsessed culture, aren't we? We all feel pressure to be skinny but yet where ever you go, healthy food is harder to find than quick fatty food. It's tough, but exercise is the key to everything: weight loss, feeling more energized, and best of all it raises your mood. You go :)

Julie said...

I know this sounds cheesy but it works for me for some odd reason: fall in love with the process, forget about the results.
There are just so many good things that come out of working up a good sweat and "thanking" your body for hanging in there with you. You will start to get addicted to the endorphins.
I'm here for you!

MJ said...

By the way...I was feeling it last night. I'm ready to go again...sorry tonight wasn't the night. I had to releive the babysitter.

Lynilu said...

Never forget what we've told you on other occasions .... you are a strong woman, capable of much more than you realize. I know it is not easy, I don't mean to minimize that, but I know you. Yeah, your mom was very right .... you are determined. (Sometimes enough to drive me crazy!!) :D (But I love you!!)