Thursday, April 17, 2008

I Need a Reminder

Ever have one of those days where nothing seems to go right?

I feel like I have disappointed so many people today. I wish I didn't have such high expectations of myself because I always seem to let myself down when I don't reach the unrealistic goals.

As I was driving home I just kept thinking of my Mom. I was talking to a friend today and she said that she never doubted her parents love and knew they loved her to pieces. It's sad because I never felt this from my parents. I knew they loved me, but I felt they only did because they had to. Why is it so hard for me to heal from my parents rejection?????

The intense pain and sadness I feel from being kicked out of my family is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. And I hate that I feel embarrassed about being kicked out of my family. I feel like I have done something wrong, even though I know I haven't. But sometimes I wonder what others think when they hear I have no contact with my family. I guess it really shouldn't matter.

I can handle the fact that some people can not love me because I am gay. I can even handle the fact that my family can not love me because I am gay. But when I think about God and if God loves me, I don't think I could handle it if I knew God did not love me because I am gay.

Please remind me that God still loves me even though I am gay.


redfrog27 said...

You cant help who you love,and if God cant love you because of that then is it a love worth trying to achive.I think God is good and will love you cause you are a good person.

Sonya said...

God loves you and God doesn't care that you are gay.

I wish you could witness the inspiration that we witness within our congregation. It is amazing! There is an awesome balance of straight and gay folks. The ethnic diversity is great too (especially for NE)! It is home to many (18, I think) "retired" (not elderly) ministers. Also the leadership of PFLAG who are most awesome! Carie & the kids just left to go to a service for National Day of Silence. Unfortunately i've got a class to get to.

I wish you and so many other glbt's could witness the level openess we have. It exists, and it exists because God loves us.

R said...


yankeegirl said...

Hello, God made you gay! so why wouldn't he love you? :)

I know it's hard not to have contact w/ your family and be judged on this one part of your life that is not any of their business. It's the same for me. I have lived in this town over 25 years and I don't have any friends that I have known for more than the last three years. Everyone from "before", thinks I'm a heathen.
(((hugs))) Caroline, hang in there.
Your self worth is not based on their acceptance

Lynn said...

Gay or straight does not make people more or less lovable. You are very lovable, Caroline. When people try to convince others that they are unacceptable to god, they are merely showing you that they know only of man-made religions and not at all of god.

Anonymous said...

I'll be honest and tell you I haven't a clue what god says or does or feels. I know that you are a good person. You love who you love and, at least in my opinion, if god has issues with that it's time to be rethinking god. Can you tell I have god issues?

Caroline, you are a good person. You have done nothing wrong. Love is ok. Gay is ok.

God said...

Caroline, I hate you.

Julie said...

I know that I am lucky to have that kind of love from my dad and brothers, but I spent a good amount of time feeling the way you do about not having a mom that cared about me. And I do understand that we sometimes think people judge us for this but you know what? For every person that judges and looks down, there's another one willing to step in and care. Make your own family/tribe.
I am also sharing my family with you when we head to MN, and you wont be able to get rid of them.-:)

Anonymous said...

Honey, God created gay people and God is love. There is nothing wrong with being gay.

Audra said...

God loves you for you! *hugs*

Lynilu said...

I'll bet I can guess who thinks he's god. How stupid can one person be?

There is no doubt you are loved, here and above, Caroline. Have you thought about finding a church to give you support in this? Start visiting some, beginning with Unity. I don't know about others in KC that are open without qualifiers, but ask around. It could also broaden your circle of friends and potential partners who would have values similar to your own. I know it can be hard to walk in alone, but you won't walk out alone!

Anonymous said...

You are loved Caroline. As for the fake "god" on here,it really does not understand the power of God's love.

Patti said...

God loves you and I love you, so do alot of other people. I wish I could heal your feelings Caroline. I really really do.

Anonymous said...

i can recommend Unitarian churches, UCC churches and some presbyterian churches that have "welcoming congregations"

carolyn in austin

Anonymous said...

Hello, Caroline.

Please do not pay attention to the imposter above. "Little g" is wrong. I love you very much. I am the God Spark who lives in one of your blog friends. All who love and dream have God Sparks. Sometimes we engage with them and sometimes not. You have allowed me to see yours here on this blog and I have bonded with you in love and respect. Not only do I love and respect you, but I think every hair on your head is precious, every breath of your body is a gift to all, and you are lovely in every aspect of your being. I hope you will see that, Caroline. Can you look at yourself and feel compassion for any reason at all? When you do that, you are engaged with your God Spark and you will begin to see the truth of your enormous worth and the gentle and true love that God has for you. I love you so very much, Caroline. You deserve love, compassion and respect. Look inside and find your God Spark, dear. Have compassion for yourself and your God Spark will verify this truth for you and connect you up with the Greater God where you will be able to feel this enormous love for what it is.

With Neverending Love,