Why is it that I can have a lot of people around me, even right next to me, but I still feel completely alone? Why is it so hard to allow people inside? What am I afraid of? Last week in my therapy session my therapist said that I am all alone in this world, but not lonely. He said that I had lots of great people around, but it seems like I was pretty much alone.A few posts ago, Julie referred to life as a roller coaster. Just tell me this, when will the spinning stop so that I can at least get off and get onto a slower ride?
About a month ago Lynilu sent me one of those stress tests to see in black and white how much stress I have been under. The last time I took it (and admitting to myself how much has really happened this past year) my score was 463. I think it said that if your score was above 300 then you are at serious risk for stress.
In March it's as if someone set of an atomic bomb in my world. For months and months I was just trying to figure out what had happened. I am still trying to find my feet so that when I get up in the mornings I can put one put in front of the other. But it's hard doing that when you can't even see your feet because the dust hasn't cleared.
11 comments:
If you need anything you know where to find me.
Caroline, how surprised I was when I happened to click on your name via another blog.. I got so tired of fighting with log in name and password in google that I just completely gave up. Didnt have the experience, expertise or patience to spend the time trying to read your blog. Spent a long time reading this afternoon trying to catch up with your life. I'm so glad things seem to be going good for you. I left just as you were preparing to move and don't know who MG is. What a pleasant surprise!!!!I'm not sure if you want to bring me up to date....I dont have your e-mail address anymore or I would have done this there. Good luck Caroline, and please dont give up the furniture !!
Anonymous Ruth
here is sending you positive thoughts to have a stress free October 2007....
{{{{ Caroline }}}}
You know I love you, Shutterbug! And anytime you want to talk, just sit me down. I am a great listener, you know. Just remember that this current state is only temporary and you will make it through. Don't be afraid; take my hand and I will help you.
It will be better as you venture further and discover more about yourself. You have a lot of people routing for you.
I'm hoping the dust clears for you very soon, and you can settle in to find some peace. I understand that roller coaster feeling very well...here if you need me.-:)
I think you're doing quite good and moving in with Sheryl is a positive step....
Be patient. I know that is easy to say, but please try. You've lived a long, long time being alone because that is how you survived and were "acceptable." It is going to take a long time, also, to change those patterns. It will come. I think it will come easier now because you are in an unconditional-love relationship. But be patient with yourself. Rome wasn't built in a day. :)
I've said it before ... you're amazingly strong to have just survived. You don't have to do it alone now, but only you can open the door and only when you're ready. You will when your trust level is there.
Oh, one other thing ... believe. Believe that *it can* and that *you will*.
You are definitely not alone. It's going to take a little time to get settled. I hope you are able to relieve some of the stress and take things day by day. We are thinking of you and sending our warmest hugs and serene peaceful thoughts!
Stress hurts in too many ways and I can hear how you are feeling...the being in a crowd but feeling alone. I felt that way at times when going through my breast cancer treatment and in the last few months I have found myself re-engaging with life. Being alone is not always a bad thing. Being lonely takes our breath away. Sending you some very positive thoughts to carry you through.
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