So, I continue to study for my Kansas Social Work license. I scheduled the test for Oct. 18. I was going to tak it on Oct.11 because 11 is my lucky number, but I decided to give myself one more week of studying. I am feeling more prepared this time around. I still can't believe I missed it last time by 2 points.
So I emailed my Mother this blog, but she never responded. I know my Mother and I know that she can't resist to see what I am saying. I sometimes wonder what she is thinking about me, and how she can think such things. The only thing that has changed about who I am is that I am more indepedent and stronger as a person. My parents loved it when I was a meek, passive person. They loved having control over me and what I did and thought. Even after I moved out they were still telling me what they thought I should be doing. Whenever I would go to their house and I would have a pop, they would say, "is that diet?". Like it's any of their business. I have such a poor relationship with food because they taught me that. My Mother had a weight problem from as long as I can remember. When I was 25 or 26 she lost a lot of weight and looked wonderful. But since she did that it seemed that she became the expert on weight loss and how I should do things. Maybe I turned to food for comfort because I did not get the comfort I needed from them. My Father has always been emotinally unavailable. Very rarely did I feel that he was genuinely proud of me and who I was. I always felt I was not good enough for him and his standards. Turns out I guess I was right, at least in his eyes. I remember when I was just 13 or 14 and him making an "oink" sound at me while I was eating. I thought I was so fat. Looking back at those pictures, I was no where near fat. I hate him for putting that thought in my head. It's a thought that never leaves my head now. I could be 90 pounds and I would still feel I was fat.
In just the year and a half that I have known Laura, this is what she has taught me...
1)I am a beautiful person; inside and out
2)I am a good person
3)I am worthly of love
4)I am worthly of respect
My parents had 30 years to teach me that and they chose to teach me all the negative things about myself. In just 18 months Laura has taught me all of this about myself. Laura loves me and more importantly she respects me.
1 comment:
*sigh and a hug*
I know exactly what you mean about dealing with weight issues. I have also always thought I was fat. Mind you, I've never been particularly thin either, but never as fat as I've felt.
"I could be 90 pounds and I would still feel I was fat." sums it up perfectly. I can also remember comments from a few particularly influential family members that helped ingrain my "fat belief" into my head. The comments still hurt me far into adulthood until I was finally able to let them go.
My partner was also the one to finally help me realize I was beautiful and loved me no matter what I weighed. I'm glad Laura has helped do the same thing for you.
Take care today Caroline,
Sublime
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