Monday, March 24, 2008

Speaking Love

I watched the movie August Rush over the weekend. It was a good movie, but I am not sure how realistic it was, but it was still really good. Watching it got me thinking about my own feelings of being adopted and wanting to know my birth parents.

I have always known I was adopted. My parents always told my brother and I that we were chosen and we should never be ashamed because we were adopted. I remember wondering about my birth mom as early as 8 years old. I have always wondered what she looked like and if I looked like her. When I was 26 I got the paperwork showing the story behind my adoption as well as my birth parents information.

I will never forget the day the paperwork came in the mail. As I sat and read about my birth parents I realized I was finally learning a little about them and some questions were finally answered. Here are some interesting facts about my birth parents:

*My birth mom's birthday is just one week after mine, so we are both Gemini's

*My birth mom has a twin sister

*My birth mom is only 5ft and my birth father is only 5'5. (I am 5'4 so I guess you could consider me tall for the family)

*My birth mom only weighed 105lbs (I was over 7lbs when I was born so that explains the difficult delivery)

*My birth mom has light brown hair and blue eyes (Sound like someone you know?)

*My birth mom was 24 when I was born and my birth father was 25

I also have their names. A few months after I got this paperwork I tried to find my birth mom. I paid something like $50 to a company and they gave me the name of a woman living in Minnesota. I talked with this woman and I am pretty sure it was my birth mom. She seemed to know what I was talking about, but denied having placed a child up for adoption. Then again it might not have been her, but I got a feeling that it was her.

I often wonder if my birth parents think of me. I wonder if they have ever thought of finding me, and if they have what has stopped them. There seems to be so many questions and not enough answers.

In the last few years the fact that I was adopted has given me a lot of comfort when dealing with my family. I have always felt like I did not belong and I was different in so many ways. I often wonder if my Mom & Dad never fully bonded with me and that is why it has been so easy for them to let me go. I wonder if my Mom had actually carried me for 9 months and given birth to me if she would feel differently towards me. I wonder if she would then love me unconditionally.

I am not sure what would be harder: giving a child up for adoption at birth or letting them go 30 years later because you can't control who they are. I believe that my birth mom gave me up because she loved me and knew she could not provide what I needed. She gave me up out of love. My parents on the other hand gave me up for selfish reasons; embarrassment, ashamed, worried how it would make them look, etc.

For me it's easier to forgive someone that has done something out of love rather then for selfish reasons.

One of my favorite sayings comes from Melissa Ethridge's song Message to Myself:

Love is what you get
When Love is what you speak

I hope my birth mom has been rewarded with as much love as it took to let me go.


Jaded Mama said...

Beautifully put.

redfrog27 said...

I agree with Jaded

Patti said...

This is a WONDERFUL post Caroline.

Sandra said...

Another Minnesota connection too, you have quite a few don't you? If you ever want help inquiring into this further, perhaps we MN people could help.

SassyFemme said...

Caroline, are you registered with any of the online adoption registries? If not you might want to. Not only might your birth parents want to contact you at some point in the future, but any half siblings might also, someday.

Also, many states have unsealed adoption records, or you can petition a judge to unseal your records (I did that). Also, in some cases the adoption agency used will assist adult adoptees, and act as a go-between with the birth families. (I did that, too.)

Lynilu said...

Oh, what a sweet and tender post. I'm happy that you see that your birth mom allowed you to leave her with love. That's a beautiful way to continue growing as a woman. :)