Ever since my brother found my blog again and leaving his same comments about how crazy I am, etc, etc, etc I have been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship with him. This morning I sat and thought about how it got to this point.
From the day I was born my brother has been jealous of me. I didn't even have to do anything and he would be jealous of me. I remember as a child he was always so mean to me and I never understood his hatred for me. For many years he used me as his own personal punching bag and did whatever he wanted to me. For so long I was very angry with him (and my parents) because I knew that I did not deserve that kind of treatment and still don't. But back then I didn't know how to stand up for myself. I would just take the abuse (physical and sexual) and not say a word. For some reason I felt that I deserved the abuse. Thankfully I have learned that I did not deserve it and my brother has some major problems.
The older I got the more I tried to forgive my brother. When he had his first son I put all the hard feelings I had for him to the side. I wanted a relationship with my nephew and I was willing to put my feelings aside for that. I think I even got to the point where I was OK with my brother and didn't mind hanging out with him. But something in my head told me it was just temporary.
When I came out to my parents in 2004 my brother was fine with me being gay. He never really had a problem with it and that was OK with me. One thing that kind of surprised me was when his current wife explained why I was not allowed in the delivery room when she had their second son: "I was afraid you were going to be looking at my crotch". That thought is so sad it's funny. Really shows you how stupid some people are.
My brother started having problems with me when he was back living with my parents again (as well as his wife and two kids) and I was insisting he pay me for his phone bill. (long story) Since my parents were not talking to me and he was so dependant upon them for everything he decided he was mad at me as well. I think it's sad that my family gets angry at me when I stand up for myself. Isn't that what parents want for their kids? I know if I ever had a child I would hope that they would be able to stand up for themselves. As you can see my family does this a little differently. They prefer their kids to be totally dependant upon them.
I feel sorry for my brother because he lives in this world that is made up of all lies. And the sad thing is he believes those lies. I have never trusted my brother and probably never will. He has stolen from me, hit me, sexually abused me and just made most of my childhood miserable. I hope one day he will see how his actions affect those around him. But I won't hold my breathe on it.