Thursday, March 13, 2008

How It Got So Bad

Ever since my brother found my blog again and leaving his same comments about how crazy I am, etc, etc, etc I have been doing a lot of thinking about my relationship with him. This morning I sat and thought about how it got to this point.

From the day I was born my brother has been jealous of me. I didn't even have to do anything and he would be jealous of me. I remember as a child he was always so mean to me and I never understood his hatred for me. For many years he used me as his own personal punching bag and did whatever he wanted to me. For so long I was very angry with him (and my parents) because I knew that I did not deserve that kind of treatment and still don't. But back then I didn't know how to stand up for myself. I would just take the abuse (physical and sexual) and not say a word. For some reason I felt that I deserved the abuse. Thankfully I have learned that I did not deserve it and my brother has some major problems.

The older I got the more I tried to forgive my brother. When he had his first son I put all the hard feelings I had for him to the side. I wanted a relationship with my nephew and I was willing to put my feelings aside for that. I think I even got to the point where I was OK with my brother and didn't mind hanging out with him. But something in my head told me it was just temporary.

When I came out to my parents in 2004 my brother was fine with me being gay. He never really had a problem with it and that was OK with me. One thing that kind of surprised me was when his current wife explained why I was not allowed in the delivery room when she had their second son: "I was afraid you were going to be looking at my crotch". That thought is so sad it's funny. Really shows you how stupid some people are.

My brother started having problems with me when he was back living with my parents again (as well as his wife and two kids) and I was insisting he pay me for his phone bill. (long story) Since my parents were not talking to me and he was so dependant upon them for everything he decided he was mad at me as well. I think it's sad that my family gets angry at me when I stand up for myself. Isn't that what parents want for their kids? I know if I ever had a child I would hope that they would be able to stand up for themselves. As you can see my family does this a little differently. They prefer their kids to be totally dependant upon them.

I feel sorry for my brother because he lives in this world that is made up of all lies. And the sad thing is he believes those lies. I have never trusted my brother and probably never will. He has stolen from me, hit me, sexually abused me and just made most of my childhood miserable. I hope one day he will see how his actions affect those around him. But I won't hold my breathe on it.

16 comments:

Anonymous said...

I bet your brothers wife is miserable.
Hey, I know people who break bones-
Just kidding. Asshole.
Ignore his ass.
from gagirl

Anonymous said...

Does your brother's wife know she is married to a child molester?

Julie said...

Your brother is a tool and I've decided to share MY brothers with you when we go to MN next winter for the freezing lake jump.

redfrog27 said...

You can also have my brothers as they are Pains in the rumps

Audra said...

I am so sorry. It really sucks when you are not getting support from the ones that should be giving it.

He is a total idiot, and you can tell his actions are from pure jealousy.

Sandra said...

Do not come here to do a freezing lake jump, are you NUTS???

Caroline said...

anonymous #1--lol. thanks for the laugh.

anonymous #2--i doubt she knows and even if she did i am sure he has manulipated the story to make it my fault..

julie--you are too sweet. these comments is the reason i am so glad that you are my friend and in my corner. i can't wait for next winter to jump in the freezing lake..

redfrog--um, i think i will pass, but thanks anyway

audra--there is a part that is sad about all of this, but i also feel better now that i know i can decide who is part of my life and who is not

sandra--somehow julie picked me for her team for next year...i think it would be great and a lot of fun. oh and to answer your question...yes i am nuts.

Anonymous said...

Well I can see how this thing works really a sad thing to tell you the truth. Caroline you know what the truth is and one day it will eat you up on the inside and you know that. I could give a shit about your readers or what they have to say or what or who they believe. As for my wife being miserable yea right. We have been married for 7 1/2 wonderful years and every day we grow with our sons and life in general. As for anonymous comment about breaking bones. 1) I have none left to break 2) One of the great things about us living at the lake was a great brotherhood I manged to find with a particular MC 6 years ago. My brotherhood with the MC has grown by bounds we live a life style that most envy. We are feared by all and hated by most 81 for life. If you don't know what that is go research it before the next time you decide to threaten some about breaking their bones you moron. LOL Caroling to answer you question how things go this bad. I will put some of my laundry out here. It took me many years to grow up no doubt. Late bloomer I guess. I have done a whole lot of stupid shit in my life I have been homeless done drugs you name it I have probably done it or tried it. Seen things most people wish everyday they never have to see been through things most people will never have to go through. Broke every bone in my body except my back and left arm 13lbs of steel and 61 screws later I feel like Humpty Dumpty. But not until I met my wife did I have a reason to really live life and god it is a wonderful thing it really is. I went through life not respecting the two people that gave both you and I life. They didn't have to. But to learn how to respect them and love them for all they have done for us has been both hard and wonderful. It just pisses me off how little respect you have shown them after Laura came into the picture and how you blame everything on them or someone else. I don't know if you have heard through the grape vine or not. I was diagnosed with cancer of the stomach about three weeks ago. Who should I blame for that Mom Dad the JW'S how about you? No I blame that for 30 years I was a complete idiot and put things and did things to my body that the body meant to do. I will probably be ok this go round with some surgery and possibly Kemo they don't know yet. I guess in a way I am jealous you always had everything because you were the one who performed. I came out standing up for my self and never have had a problem telling anyone to fuck off even our parents form a very early age. But I have had the time to learn all that was shooting myself in the foot even though it felt good. I burned a whole lot bridges in 30 years a whole lot. But to mend those bridges is something I have to do before the people I love are not here to do that with. You always think everything should have been given to you you had a silver spoon in your mouth form day one. shit you never payed a real bill in your life until you told mom you were gay. But you are a grown women and you made that decision right or wrong. You knew mom's beliefs and what she would do and how she would react. She is a devoted JW and knew that. So can not hate here for your decision. It is ok for her to believe JW'S are normal and sane just like you think it is ok to gay or own a dog or cats. It is her belief and yours but you knew the outcome. I will tell you the truth I only come here to see if you put pic's of my kids up and to protect my son you still talk too. And to see the crazy shit you write about mom and dad. I notice one thing you just refuse to address in any of my posts. How in the hell do you explain dad being mad at you. He talked to you for almost two years after finding out you were gay. He never told mom nor did we. He did not just wake up one morning and say holy shit Caroline is gay and quit talking to you did he. The only thing he is mad about is helped you get a car loaned you the money with a promissory note signed by you. You even made payments for awhile. dad knew you were gay when you kinda of dating the chick from Don Bosco. But when you met Laura you decided you did not have to do shit for those who did for you and you told him to fuck off. I was there when you did it and he even asked you are you sure this is what you want to do. Your decision so I don't get why you are so mad. You know you need to take a look at your life your decisions and where you are going go in life. I am not saying this to hurt to you but mom and dad are a lost cause for you. But for every reaction there is an action and you react and don't act you dwell and mope and blog. But what honestly have you changed. Ok your not a JW your not married and you "came out" found Laura lost laura found someone else lost them lost your house who knows what else over that whole deal. But what have you changed for real. Well what? See that is one thing I knew I would have change and I did and I am still working on it every day. Mom and dad don't have a lot of years left and I wanted those years to be good. I know this will freak you out but I love dad with all my heart. He is my best friend and a huge thorn in my ass. About a month ago he actually told me he was proud of me. After 36 years one time and I know I will never hear it again probably. But he told me how proud of me for my work my family and how I handle life and my family I about died right there. I did not want to hateful towards them in there last years and it is paid off seven fold for me. I never knew who dad was but I love him. As for mom well mom will be mom and that will never change. But if you don't like the way things are with them change it or move on. Easier said then done but shit almost everyday you bitch about mom and dad JW'S me or the world. Well the world is a fucked up place with fucked up people. So if you want to blame someone don't blame them. Move on away form the JW thing Caroline shit you forget I grew up in the same religion hate it now and feel about the same way you do on some issues but not all. But you made the choice not them not mom not dad not me. You knew what you were going to have to live with. Just like I now in life have had to come to the all bridges that I left behind running from them now I have to build each one back up on my own to get back where I belong. turn around and start to walk back mend the bridges and fix your life
Me

Julie said...

Ok, here's to hoping your bro can read better than he can write:
Dude: 1. Get some professional help for the obvious issues you have. This isn't working. We aren't really going to change our minds about C. regardless of what you write, because it isn't what our friendship is about. I wouldn't really care if she never wrote or talked about her family again. If I were her, I'd block your IP address and ignore ya completely. I question your motives for seeking someone out like this and your comments are making you look a little like a crazy person.
2. Go live the life you say you are proud of. Walk away. Your parents are adults and can probably handle their own affairs -and none of this is really any of your business.
3. Grammar can be your friend.

Patti said...

Karma honey. I hope it bites him square on the behind. HARD (with rabies)

Patti said...

Karma honey. I hope it bites him square on the behind. HARD (with rabies)

Sonya said...

>>They prefer their kids to be >>totally dependant upon them.

I don't believe this is all that uncommon. This totally speaks to my family. It is CRAZY!

My Grandparents THRIVE on people NEEDING THEM. They thrive on chaos. They create it! My parents don't fall far from that tree.

Insanity, I tell ya.

But they would never ever ever see it that way. When you are in the middle of it, you can't.

Brother has to have other motives or he wouldn't be "defending" himself. Quite poorly I might add.

Have a wonderful day! We are supposed to get snow, how about you?

Anonymous said...

Yea right I am the crazy one. I don't give a flying shit what you people think or about you. This has nothing to do with any of you at all. But if she didn't post senseless bull shit like she does here no one would read it. I have no problem walking away but my family's affairs are my Bus and always will be. So Caroline you know what you have done let it sit in your soul and rot as for the rest of ya

Caroline said...

anonymous (aka my brother)-- you are the one that made it everyone's business by posting MY business out there for everyone to read. i feel sooo sorry for you. if your life is so good as you say it is then why did you search me out??? as i told you a few days ago, i am not posting any pictures the boys, so you can move on. i will say there has been one positive thing to you finding me...my numbers have gone through the roof this week. thanks.

Anonymous said...

Funny how he didn't address my question about his wife knowing he is a child molester......
Come on brother answer that!

Caroline we all think you are wonderful.....

Sandra said...

"But if you don't like the way things are with them change it or move on."

The one and only thing he said that makes sense. MOVE ON from these toxic people.