Excuses

Oh how I love Sundays. We had afternoon plans to be down at Laura's parents house for the combo birthday celebration at 2pm. We woke up and decided to go spend some quality time at Barnes & Noble. After spending some time there we just drove around and made our way slowly down to her parents. Her parents live about 40 minutes south of here, but it's like a world away. We live in the "city" and her parents live in what I always referred to as the "country". Now that I have spend some time down there I know it's not the country and it's actually a very cute little town. I would love to live there, but since Laura was born and raised there she has vowed to never move back there. Being gay and living in a small town where everyone knows everyone's business is not her kind of thing anymore.

I was kind of nervous about going down and spending the afternoon at her parents since most of the people do smoke. We had lunch (which as always it was wonderful) and then we decided to go do a little shopping. Her Mom and Dad had gotten her sister a GC for a little clothing shop and Beth decided to go buy some clothes. All in all I was doing great. Yes people were smoking around me, but it wasn't that bad. As we were leaving I ran into my brothers ex-wife and my 12 year old nephew. I was thrilled to be seeing my nephew. My brothers ex-wife has decided that it's ok for me to see my nephew and I love that. This was my first nephew and he is at the core of my heart. I love that boy so much. It was also nice that Laura's family actually got to meet someone from my family. Keep in mind Laura and I have been together for over two years and this is the first time they had met anyone from my family. After visiting for a while we got back in the car and I was pissed. All my feelings about my family came rushing back.

Once back at the house I "sneaked" a cigarette. I told Laura about it and she was so understanding about it. We talked about it and she helped me get some things clear. Here is what I need to start doing:
1) Stop using my family's issues with me being gay as a reason why I can smoke. Whether I smoke or not their point of view might never change. Smoking or not smoking will not change that.
2) Face the real reasons as to why I am smoking
3) Decide 100% to be a non-smoker
4) Stop beating myself up inside for my little slips. It only does harm to me emotionally.

Once I do that I will be successful. Until then I am just doomed for failure. I discussed with Laura that I think I have committed 90% to not smoking. It has to be 100% in order for me to be successful in this.

Tomorrow is a new day. In order to end this day on a good note here are some of the things I am grateful for today:
1) I have a wonderful partner, lover and best friend. She is the complete package.
2) Her family. They love and accept "us" as a couple and never ask any questions. They don't care that we are gay. They just love us.
3) My nephews. My oldest nephew is one of the neatest persons. And I am thankful that his Mother lets me see him.