This past Monday I went back to the Physical Therapist even though he really creeped me out. It was a good thing that I gave it another shot. When I went on Monday there was a different PT there that did the treatment. I was at least relieved that HE was not there. He is so freaking weird. Yesterday was my third appointment and there still is no improvement. Now my leg starts to go numb when I stand up. During my appointment we figured out what is going on. I could try to explain it, but I would sound dumb since I don't know all the terms. In the next few days I am going to go in for an MRI to confirm it. It's nothing too serious, but it's going to take some time to heal. I think I have learned to live with the pain. I am usually fine during the day with occasional pains, but by the time I get into bed my leg is killing me and I have a constant spasm.
I have always had back problems. Even when I was "thin" I had lower back problems. In 1997 when I was working at B.Dalton Bookstore I really hurt my back lifting a box of books. I was out of work f or 3 weeks. I had just returned to school to finish my bachelors degree and ended up leaving that job since my back was still giving me problems. Ever since then I seem to have more and more back problems. Four years ago I noticed my back started giving me more and more problems and by the end of the week I could barely stand. Having just started a job I had no choice but to go to work.
I know a lot of my back problems are due to the weight that I have gained in the past ten years. I got married in November 1995 and by May 1996 (just six months) I had gained probably 30 pounds. I was so unhappy. Anyone seeing the weight I had gained would know there was something going on. I know by losing the weight I want to (50 pounds) my health will be so much better. Not only will my back feel better, but I am pretty sure any signs of diabetes will disappear. But it's so hard to loose weight. I have tried so many times and I am just tired of the disappointment.
Growing up I always felt fat. Even when I was 125 pounds, I felt fat. I think a lot of it has to with how my Father perceived me. He was always telling me that I needed to exercise and not to eat this or that. As a teenager you eat mostly junk food. That is all part of being a teenager. I was taught to feel ashamed of eating. Even today I don't feel comfortable eating in front of other people. Even if I am eating an apple I will feel that people are looking at me like I am a fat pig. Once I started gaining weight my Fathers criticism got even worse and more hurtful. I walked out of my parents house in 1999 after my Father looked at me in the face and said, "you are moribillity obese and are disgusting to look at." I was devastated. He called me the next day all upset and saying he was sorry. I still hear those words he spoke that day when I look at myself in the mirror.
13 comments:
You are a beautiful person inside and out. Rememeber that!
Im not thin at all, but I know that I am a good person! Just like you are. I also suffer from back pain. All I can say is some days are better then others. Keep your chin up hon!!!
Have you seen or considered seeing a chiropractor? Might be something to look at.
onecrazylady--thank you for your kind words
anonymous--a physical therapist pretty much does the same thing as a chiropractor. my doctor suggested a pt and so i went there. thanks for the suggestion though
My father has said some zingers to me, but never anything that cruel.
I wrestle with weight too. It was never a problem for me until my thyroid went all out of whack in 1994. It takes a draconian effort to reduce and keep it off. Good luck.
Caroline,
Have I told you I love the water, and your eyes are oceans of blue?
You are beautiful.
tropopause--my weight problem is simply from eating too much..too much emotional eating..
anonoymous(laura)--this is why i love you so
I am concerned for your health and the weight related problems, as I am my own. However, this has NOTHING to do with who you are. You are beautiful, loving, loyal, forgiving, and good person, through and through. Don't let the old baggage become a burden or limit you in any way. Just forgive your dad for being narrow and go on with your happy, productive life. Simply put . . . BE YOU.
I was reading a magazine to kill a few minutes and this was on the page I opened it to. I took it as a message from above and will try to follow. I thought you will find it interesting....
"You have the capacity to choose what you think about. If you choose to think about past hurts, you will continue to feel bad. While it's true you can't change the effect past influences had on you once, you can change the effect they have on you now."-- Gary McKay, Ph.D.
I know it's harder done than said, but we both need to continue to strive to heal.
Look forward, and remember you are a great person. Try not to dread loosing weight, but see it as an "I told you so" when you loose it and your father sees you. Just like the smoking and your mom.
Do these things for yourself, people like your mother and father will always find fault in others because they do not like themselves. Pretend you havent smoked for 5 years and you now weigh 120 pounds.... what else is on your list that they don't approve of? See what I mean, there will be something else for them to disapprove of. Quit trying to live for them and live for YOU!
Hugs and Kisses
Sis
I can so relate to struggling with weight issues. It's not easy to stop eating when emotions are high, when life is good, when life is bad, when....well, it's just *not* easy!
I have been working on my weight for the past few months and have lost 40 pounds or so (I'd still like to lose at least that much more). I've been motivated by wanting to be healthy for our baby's arrival and the desire to be able to keep up with the little munchkin over the coming years. But, there's not really a day goes by that I don't have to really choose to eat well and exercise.
It can be done and the success of doing it certainly keeps the motivation up. When you're ready to choose it, and keep choosing it every single day, you can do it! And...you're not alone!
- Karen
traci--thank you for the kind words
lynilu--seperating my weight with who i am as a person is so hard. i usually put the two together. i need to realize the two are completly different
kitty--yes it is easier said then done. i guess i will have to fake it til i make it.
comfortandjoy--i look forward to the day when all their hurtful words will fade
wendyandkaren--thanks for the supportive words. even though i know i am not alone, sometimes i feel like i am the only person in the world that feels this way.
That was a foul, nasty thing for a father to say to a daughter. My father was equally vile. Piss on men who speak to their daughters in this manner, they do damage that takes years to heal.
However, we do heal and we're much the wiser and stronger later.
Here's some crummy advice, but it's helping me: when cutting back or quitting smoking you are OF COURSE going to gain weight. Drink more coffee, it's a diuretic, walk the dog more, and pop some diet pills. A lot of what's bugging you is temporary from the change in smoking. I know these things aren't GOOD, but they're better than smoking!!!!
Honey you take care of your back because it will just get worse and worse. I know, you probably already know this I just had to say it.
I also know how you feel about the weight thing. Is there anything worse? You can feel so downright ugly, unattractive, ungainly, stupid, I could go on and on. Yes i've got issues about weight.
I forgot to tell you one time my sister threatened to call Richard Simmons to come visit me. I told her i'd kick her AND Richard's ass if she tried it.
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