When I started this blog the intention was for a way for me to vent and talk about my experiences as a Jehovah's Witness and being gay. It's really evolved into so much more. In the beginning no one knew about his blog. The only person that knew about it was Laura. I slowly started telling people about it.
Now it seems that so many people that know me in real life know and read this blog. I wonder every day if that is such a good idea. There are days when I am glad they can see what I write and then there are other days when I wish my blog was anonymous and I could really write what I am thinking. Things happen here and there that I sometimes feel like writing about. But I can't. I feel trapped in my own blog. There are the times when I have so much on my mind that I just want to write until I can't write anymore, but I fear for what the people that know me in real life will think. My mind is a very complicated thing. Sometimes I don't even understand myself or why I am thinking that. There are times it feels like I either have ADD or bipolar. Some days I feel I have both at the same time.
I need to not be the "people pleaser" that I have been my entire life and be true to my feelings and experiences on this blog. I lived my first 30 years for my parents and told myself that I would never pretend to be who I am ever again. It's time I start listening to my own advice..again.
9 comments:
I know how you feel, I feel like that often. Even though I dont know anyone personally it still bothers me sometimes! But do know I love reading what you do write about! :)
I can totally relate to this. I was going to be completely anonymous, but I slipped up in front of some of my friends who we have a joint blog with and now they know. They were actually a little hurt that I hadn't told them about my blog (I guess I'm not allowed to have anything private). I told them that I wanted to remain anonymous and they understood and they wanted to be anonymous too. In the mean time I started commenting on my friend Jack's blog as zoe because we have some of the same readers and he had said he was going to stay anonymous too. Oh how wrong I was to trust that he wasn't going to give out his blog address, oh and list it on his skype account as his homepage. Then he gave his skype address to my mother-in-law who went immediately to his blog and then out of curiousity to see who reads his blog started clicking on all of the profiles and pretty quickly got to my blog. Now I was a little erked by Jack's blatent disreguard of our anonymitty, he could have at least warned me that he was giving his blog out to everyone we know so that I could have commented using my other profile, but in the end I was just mad at myself for being trusting.
Now just about all of my friends read my blog, and my mother-in-law and I really don't care. I don't sensor my language or my stories. There are times I want to vent about stuff or ask for advice and I can't, which sucks, but I started writing posts to get them out of my system and then not publishing them and deleting them.
Sorry for the long comment, but I really needed to rant about this.
Ah, I've had this problem too. So often I've wanted to vent about something but the person(s) involved knew about my blog and I couldn't.
Personally I'd still read no matter what you vented about, because I think you've got some good and important things to say, and I identify with your JW days from growing up in a gay-hating Baptist church/school myself.
If you feel safe sharing, please go for it!
I hear ya - sometimes I just want to vent and dump and yet, I have a fear of being judged incorrectly by those who know me IRL. It's a fine line, isn't it?
I vote for you to keep going and write whatever you need to write.
I'll keep reading. :)
Well said. It's an idealized statement to make that you want to say whatever you want wherever you want without getting judged--especially in your own space like on your blog. However, being aware of that judgement existing and still making a statement about who you are as a person is the true step--it doesn't come with either ignoring that people will judge or the idea that they just shouldn't.
Been there...struggled with that too. Blogging is so theraputic and yet "real" therapy is so personal and private that they really don't compare. How do you say what's on your mind and in your heart honestly and not worry about what those who read will think? In some ways, we all look for some kind of validation or support when we blog. Posting something that may give strong reactions to some people is going to happen...even if/when you don't intend it. It's the way things go.
I keep a private journal - in electronic form - on my computer. It's there that I vent the really nasty stuff. Once I've gotten out the really hideous stuff, I feel easier about finding the truths in all the "mind soup". I can review all the rantings of my mind and find the nuggets of truth within it and then I post the nuggets.
I wish it weren't the case that we're all so sensitive to each other's rantings. It'd be so much easier if we could have these automatic filters that kick in to process the nuggets out of the muck. For now, keep blogging and truthfully and openly as you can. Use other outlets to help you find your nuggets when you can, if you think it appropriate, but never be afraid to stand in there for who you are! You're awesome!
- Karen
I was going to do the same, keep it a secret, then I slipped and let you know about it, then sister knows about it, and mom?
So I sensor what I post about too. I have another blog but it takes too much time keeping up with both.
Theres just some things I dont want all my family to read. I try to clean it up a little and go ahead and post here though.
I have the same problem on my blog, I don't always blog about things that are on my mind because i'm afraid of who might read it. Ever since my nephew found it. I will read whatever you write, I just like you :)
Hmmmmmmm. These blogs do take on a life of their own, don't they? I wasn't really sure what I expected of my blog. I can say that many people I thought would read it don't, and vice versa. Much like "wendy & karen" I keep the most personal things for my private journal, and for me, that is safe. I love how my world has expanded with the blog. I enjoy feeling support from people who don't even know ME. How cool is that?!? And when I move, I won't lose any of the blog friends, 'cause for them I'm still where I always have been!!
I know it is taking a huge risk, but I'm proud of you for being honest, for saying what you think, and for having a life of your own. Keep it going. You're an awesome person.
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