Lawn Boys

I did the smartest thing this morning. I decided that I am so tired of mowing the yard. I have a love/hate relationship with my yard. I love it looking great and will do anything to make it look nice. That usually means a lot of upkeep, mowing and mulching. I woke up this morning and decided that I am so sick of mowing. It's been raining here since....well, it seems forever. I haven't had a chance to mow and I was starting to worry about it. So I got out the Yellow Pages and called a couple places to have them come mow. Most were in Kansas and would not come to my house just to mow the yard. I finally lucked out and found a company that is literally down the street from my house. Five minutes after I called them they were out here to give me an estimate. They will come mow my yard once a week for only $35. To me that is a great deal. Not only do they mow, but they do all the trimming, etc. As soon as I agreed to the deal they started mowing. How awesome is that. I am sitting here in my house watching them mow the yard. Awww..I can relax. I tried to get a good picture of them mowing, but the picture didn't turn out that well. I can not tell you how happy my little heart is now that I don't have to mow.

I am working the second shift today, so I don't go into work until 3:30pm. Bad news, I don't get off until midnight. This will not be a regular thing, I am just going in to observe the techs to see what they are and are not doing. But it still sucks having to work until midnight. And then I have to get up and be at work at 8:30am tomorrow. I had originally planned on working the second shift tomorrow night, but Sophie and I are going on our adventure tomorrow and I didn't want to have to wait until Saturday to start our adventure.

When I got home yesterday there was a package here for me. It was from Amazon and I had no idea what it was. I kept thinking, "did I order something and forget about it." Well, it was a birthday gift from STL. She has been reading my blog and somewhere I mentioned that I wanted a dream book and she had one sent to me for my birthday. How sweet is that?

So be sure to say hello to STL. She is even starting to remember all my blogger friends when I call you guys by your screen name. It's nice being with someone that is supportive of my blog and loves reading what I write, even when it seems boring to me.

I've Known You Forever

I need to learn to stop dreading things or dates. For the last couple of months I had been dreading my birthday. I have spent so many birthdays alone and I just hate that feeling. The last three I had were great because Laura was with me and I did not feel alone and I felt like someone was happy I was around.

This past weekend was so good. About halfway through the weekend I was wishing I could stop time and just sit and enjoy how good I was feeling. Not only did I get to meet NSP, but I also got to meet Dee and her husband (who by the way is so funny), but I met someone that could turn out to be someone really special to me. Most of the weekend was spent meeting up with NSP and Dee and talking on the phone with St. Louis (STL). After talking with STL for the second day I finally understood Laura talking on the phone for hours and hours with Sharon. Now, I know the situation with Laura was very different, but I did find some understanding.

The very first time I talked with STL it wasn't like I was talking with a stranger, but an old friend that I had lost contact with. There were no awkward moments of silence or trying to figure out what to say. We just started talking and it seems like we have not stopped talking for five days. How in the world could I know someone forever that I just met?

I have been living on about 4-5 hours of sleep a night since Sunday night. I don't think I have ever been so happy to be so tired. These days I would rather talk on the phone then eat, do laundry or mow my yard. For those that know me really well, know I am a crazy person when it comes to my yard. Yea, I don't care about the yard. Hopefully I will get motivated to mow before I get a notice from the city.

I think I am getting my first clarification as to why all this happened between me and Laura.

Change

It's been a good day. Thank you all for the birthday wishes. I am always amazed at all the comments I get on my blog. Sometimes I tell myself, "they like me, they really like me." Sometimes it amazes me that so many people are interested in my (what seems like) very ordinary life.

This song it my new theme song for my new life. It's been one hell of a storm, but the clouds are finally lifting.

It's good to be back.

34

How can I be 34? It just seems like yesterday that I was in my 20s and now I am almost halfway to 40. Of all my birthdays I think I am most excited about this one. It is a year of new beginnings and starting over.

To celebrate this year I am giving you 34 facts about myself. Enjoy and Happy Birthday to Me.



1. I was born at 8:22am

2. I was adopted when I was 3 days old.

3. When my parents first adopted me I was named Jennifer Jane. They changed it to Caroline Ann when I was 6 weeks old.

4. I have always known I was adopted.

5. I have always wished I was left handed.

6. My favorite thing to do when I was young was to play cars.

7. When I was young and would get scared I would run because I thought the devil was after me.

8. When I was in high school all my close friends thought for sure I would be the first to have kids. Of all my close high school friends, I am the only one without any children.

9. I share a birthday with John F. Kennedy and Bob Hope.

10. Growing up I had one birthday cake. A neighbor of ours must of felt bad for me and bought me a cake when I was 8 or 9. I will never forget that cake.

11. I never struggled with my weight until I got married.

12. I have always thought that maybe I was gay, but did not accept it until I was in my late 20s.

13. I prefer to be part of a couple then to be alone.

14. I received my first birthday gift for this year 3 weeks ago from a dear blogger friend.

15. We never had cats growing up until I was 16.

16. When I was growing up most of my closest friends were allergic to cats.

17. I am terrified of fire.

18. One of my other fears is of drowning.

19. When I was 10 I did almost drown. I was being pulled behind a boat on an tube and it flipped me over and I was trapped under the water and being pulled. It was scary.

20. I used to always think I wanted kids, but I not as sure now. Maybe one day, but I don't know.

21. I spent my 21st birthday in Cayman.

22. I both love and hate that my birthday is around Memorial Day.

23. I was conceived around Labor Day and born around Memorial Day.

24. My favorite color is navy blue.

25. I had a large scar on my right hand from surgery when I was 12.

26. I drive a Honda Accord and that just makes me very happy.

27. When people see my blue eyes they usually ask if they are real or contacts. Just so you know, they are real.

28. I have never felt more comfortable in my body.

29. When I love someone I sometimes give too much and I am OK with that.

30. I have a secret love of Barry Manilow.

31. I am addicted to Reality TV.

32. When I fly I am fine until we go to land. I hate landing.

33. I love dragonflies.

34. Today is the start of a brand new life for me.

Weekend Full of Surprises

Well, I've had one of the best weekends and the neat thing is: I still have two more days until I have to go back to work.

It all got started on Friday evening when I met up with NSP. She is staying with another KC blogger Dee, so I met them at dinner on Friday. We went to Granite City, which I had not heard of until Friday. The food was good, but finally being able to meet NSP really made the night perfect. I also got to know Dee and her family better. Would you believe they live only 5 minutes from me? Talk about a small world. Both NSP and Dee have little boys named Zac(h) and it was great finally seeing them in person rather then on a blog. They are both as cute as can be and once again got me to thinking of having one of my own. Oh, and Dee said she would help me create a new template for my blog and get my own domain. How exciting is that? As much as I love blogger, I realized 2007 is the year of new beginnings for me and that includes my blog.

Yesterday was probably the biggest surprises of the weekend. I belong to a Lesbian forum and I had been becoming more and more disappointed with some of the women I was meeting on there. Was it too much that I was just asking for someone that was normal and not into head games, threesomes or just plain nutty? Yesterday afternoon I went on and found a woman online that lives in St. Louis. I sent her a smile. She sent me an email and before I knew it we were on the phone. I am not sure how to explain this, but it doesn't seem like I just met her yesterday. It seems like we have known each other a lot longer. We were on the phone last night until 2am. I don't remember the last time being up at 2:30am and being happy about it. So, we'll see where things go, but so far I have a really good feeling.

Well, NSP and her son Zac are coming over here in a few hours and I need to make sure that my house is semi-baby proof. Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

It Cost WHAT??

Today I had to fill up my car and was shocked at the price I paid. How in the world could it cost $48 for fourteen gallons of gas?

I remember the days when it was 75 cents. I had a Honda when I was 19 and I remember paying at most $10 to fill up my car.

I heard on the radio that in June 1999 gas was 99 cents in Kansas City. If I knew then what I know now, I think I would have appreciated those prices more.

I remember in 2004 freaking out when they were talking about gas being $2 a gallon.

Now I am paying $3.30/gallon and it really sucks.

I am afraid to think of what the gas prices will be in two years.

Time to Start Celebrating

Can I tell you that I am so happy it is Friday. This week seems to be crazy at work and I am looking forward to 3 days off where I don't have to answer any calls or answer the same questions over and over again.

In just a few hours NSP will be coming to my work to meet me. I am beyond excited to meet her, but also a tad nervous. We have shared so much in our conversations via IM. It's going to be nice to finally meet her in person, although she knows me better then most people that do know me in real life.

It's also the start of my birthday celebration weekend. Even though my birthday is not until Tuesday, I have given myself the right to start celebrating at 5pm today when I get off work. I know most people don't see the big deal of birthdays, but keep in mind this is only the fourth year that I have celebrated my birthday. So for all you parents out there, imagine how excited your 4 year old gets excited for their birthday and you will see how I am. Maybe by the time I am in my 60's the thrill of celebrating birthdays will be gone, but I am hoping not.

I have just one irriation that I would like to voice: Why is it people can not call you when they have plans with you and are not able to make it? To me that is just common courtesy. A simple call makes things all better.

Have a great weekend everyone.

Happenings

It is amazing how the time flies by when you are busy. My work continues to go very well. But I am so busy during the day it's not even funny. I guess that is a good thing since it really makes the time fly by. My last job there was a lot of down time and I often found myself getting bored. So, being busy and so in demand here at work is a very good thing.

Tuesday night there was a program on PBS (my Dad would be so proud that I am watching PBS) called Knocking. It was about Jehovah's Witnesses. I found it very interesting. The first 5 minutes they were showing a congregation singing a song and would you believe I still knew every single word. It's amazing how many of the songs I still know by heart. I guess watching this program made me less angry and resentful of being raised a Jehovah's Witness. I know being raised in this religion kept me from getting into a lot of trouble. It's nice to finally be at a point where I now can accept (and be ok with it) the fact that I was raised a Jehovah's Witness.

The last few days I have enjoyed talking with a woman from Chicago online. I met her online and she seems very nice and I am really enjoying getting to know her. It seems we have a lot in common and it's just nice.

Well, that's it for now. Wish the post could have been more exciting, but be sure to tune in this weekend when I am sure I will have lots of stories and photos from the visit from Not So Pregnant .

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

P.S. Be sure to check out the post/video below.

For YOU

Wow, this song really sums up the last 60+ days. Just remember: I have no regrets.

Coming to you LIVE from Work

Well, I am officially online at work. I immediately felt my blood pressure drop and life seemed good again. Can you really be addicted to blogging? If so, does anyone know of any 12 Step program out there to help me.

I woke up this morning with a much better attitude about things. I have not been sleeping as much as I have in the past. It used to be that I would fall asleep by 11pm and when the alarm would go off I always said a quick prayer that maybe it was Saturday and I had set the alarm by accident. Now I am finding myself still going to bed around 10:30pm, but not falling asleep until at least midnight. I always turn the TV off around 11pm and I have been just laying there. I am finding myself more comfortable in my quietest moments. I will never forget something Laura once told me: She said that she always hoped I would have peace in my quietest moments. Maybe I am getting there. I am also finding myself getting up before the alarm. I do think part of that is my cat Bonk who is 20. For some reason she thinks that when light starts coming in through the windows it's time to get up. She will walk all around the bedroom meowing like I have overslept or something. I do find it annoying, but I know when Laura comes and gets her next month I am going to miss her like crazy. How could I not miss her? She has been with me since I was 14. But I know Laura will take great care of her since the two of them have a unique bond that is deeper then even the bond that I have with Bonk.

Well, I guess I should stop playing and get back to work.

Positive vs Negative

I am having one of those days where there have been both positives and negatives throughout my day. It seems like a constant struggle between these two. It's like on one shoulder I have an angel and the other is the devil. Good always beats the bad, but there are times when I wonder how much bad I can take in one day, one week, one month, etc. Here's what's been going on in my life today:

Negative:

*I am PMSing big time and therefore I am emotional. It seems I take one step forward, one back. Laura gave me a very nice birthday card that seemed to bring back all the sadness I was feeling. It really was a nice card, and the part that made me cry was when she said, "we are blessed you are here."

*I still feel kind of bad from this cold. I did not take any cough medicine last night and I was reminded of that when I woke up every 2 hours cause I was coughing.

*The "newness" of my job is officially over. I am suppose to get off work at 5pm, but 45 minutes before I was to leave I was informed that there were NO techs to work on the women's/children until. We did finally find someone that came in, but I had to work until almost 6pm. I loved being salaried except on days like this.

*Sophie dog is convinced that the fly that is in the house is after her. She won't leave my side and is shaking like a big baby. It's not good when she is a nervous wreck and I am an emotional wreck.

*I got word that one of my Uncles died. He died a week ago and no one in my family had told me. There is a service this weekend and I am debating about whether I should go.

Positive:

*After a long and stressful day, it's still good coming home to MY home.

*Even though I am not going to the gym I continue to lose weight. I really need to go shopping for new clothes. All my old work clothes literally hang on me. I love it and hate it at the same time.

*My birthday is next Tuesday and I know I will get birthday cake. I have decided that even if there is no one that goes and buys me a cake I will go get one for myself dammit. :)

*The pools open next weekend. Can you say tanning Queen?

*I love how Sophie dog gets so excited when she sees me when I come home each night. It really lights up my heart.

*I called today and got an estimate for a moving company to move all my big items and it's not going to cost me as much as I thought.

*Even though today was stressful at work, it felt great being able to come up with a solution and my boss looking at me like, "this is why we hired you."

*I get to finally meet Not So Pregnant on Friday when she comes to town with her son. This is someone that I came across her blog randomly one day and when Laura left me she stepped up to the plate and showed me what being a friend is really about. She has listened to me and my pity parties more then any person should have to. When I think about the last two months, she is the good that has come out of all of this.

*I came up with more positives then negatives

Weekend Recap

It's been a good weekend. Well, besides the fact that I have felt like crap most the weekend. By late Friday night I was so congested I could barely breathe. In fact, I was having a hard time catching my breathe. I took some cold/cough medicine and went to bed. That stuff worked great. It knocked me out and allowed me to sleep almost 9 straight hours. The sleep felt great.

Saturday I managed to get up, go get a haircut, go the grocery store and pick up some cat food. I did all this before 11am. After all those errands I was done for the day. I was still feeling sick, but knew I needed to get these things done. When I was getting my haircut I had to ask the guy to get me some water since I was literally choking. I have a horrible gag reflux when I cough. There were a few seconds where I thought I might throw up in the chair. Thank God I didn't because can you imagine the horror if I did that. Laura came over in the afternoon and we spent some time talking about the house and the best thing to do right now. We are going to sell it, but we are going to do it "By Owner" since we could saves thousands in fees. Worst case: we would rent it out.

Today has been a busy day. I am still feeling sick, but I managed to mow the yard and get out the items for our "big item" pickup for our city. I am not feeling as bad as I was on Friday, but still a little bit under the weather.

The 3 days I saw Laura were good days. Not once did we argue or bring up what happened. It was nice. It was the first time where I truly felt like we were just friends. I am able to hear more about what the two of them are doing. I guess I don't feel as angry. What's done is done and there is no going back. All I can do now is move on, take care of myself and the most important thing: be good to myself.

I read something this weekend that was a good reminder for me: Sometimes you have to lose in order to win.

I will win in the end.

Personal Email

I don't know if I ever shared the following story or not, but I am going to share it again.

In 2003 there was a new show on TV called Starting Over. I was unemployed when it first came on, so I started watching it. It involved 7 women living in a house and they were all working on different issues to in a sense start over. There were 2 Life Coaches that coached them through their journeys, but one of them really hit a cord with me. Rhonda Britten was this life coach. I loved the way she talked with the women and the way she challenged them to face their fear and in turn not be so afraid when facing new things in life.

Fast forward to the fall of 2004. Laura and I got word that the producers of Starting Over were going to be in Kansas City to find new members of the Starting Over house. I debated about whether or not to go, but Laura convinced me to go. It had been just 3 months since I had been kicked out of the church and disowned from my family. I went and had my first interview. Later that night one of the producers called me and said they wanted a second interview with me, this time with the camera. So the next morning I went back for the second interview. It lasted about an hour and I was sure they would want a gay ex-Jehovah's Witness for their house. But as it turned out they did not call me again. I was fine with that and moved on with my life the best way I could. To be honest, the prospect of sharing my story and all the emotions that came with that in front of millions of people was very scary.

When Laura and I first broke up I went out and bought Rhonda's book Fearless Loving and read it. It is actually a very good book and I learned a lot from it. But it's a book that I will need to reread since there are times when I take a step back and let fear control my life.

A few weeks ago, I emailed Rhonda asking her advice on how to "get over" the loss of Laura and my family. To my surprise, when I checked my email this morning there was an email from Rhonda herself. I feel honored that she took the time to answer my email and give me some much needed advice.

Once again I realize that God is looking out for me and sends people into my life at the exact moment when I need them. Realizing (or remembering) this puts me more at ease to know that when the time is right, God will reveal that someone special to me.

Sent Home Early

I made it about 5 hours today at work before one of my supervisors (I have 3) sent me home because I am sick. The congestion has settled into my chest and I can't stop coughing. And I can only make it through a few sentences before I start coughing. There was no way I was going to ask if I could go home, but since they insisted that I go home I had no choice but to follow their directions. I didn't want to get written up for not following their directions.

So excuse me while I enjoy a 4-6 hour high from cough/cold medicine and 2 hours of Little House on the Prairie.

Birthday Tag

Lynilu tagged me for a birthday tag. It was actually very interesting. Here are the directions:

Go to Wikipedia and type in your birthday (without the year) and list 3 Events, 3 births, 2 deaths and 1 Holiday and observances. Like usual, I did not follow the directions exactly by the book.

Here is what I found out for May 29. (hint hint....that is just 12 days away)

Events:

757: Paul I succeeds Stephen II as Pope
1886: Chemist John Pemberton places his first ad for Coca-Cola in the Atlanta Journal
1935: Construction of Hoover Dam completed

Births:

1903: Bob Hope
1917: John F. Kennedy
1956: Latoya Jackson
1961: Melissa Ethridge
1963: Lisa Whelchel (Blair from The Facts of Life)

Deaths:

1942: John Barrymore--American Actor

Holidays and Observances:

Nigeria: Democracy Day
United Kingdom: Oak Apple Day


Very interesting indeed. Thanks Lynilu. I was suppose to tag people, but I am too tired.

Thank You Nat

Not 30 minutes after I asked who sang this song Nat responded. I personally think Nat is brillant and can't thank her enough. Enjoy the song/video. Listen to the words carefully.

Who Sings This Song

OK, I need your help. This past winter Lays had a song on one of their commercials and I immediately loved this song. Ever since I saw this commercial I have been trying to figure out who sings this song. Click HERE to see the commercial. One you get to the website, click on the TV ad "A Place in the Sun" and the commercial will come up.

Please help me, I need to know who sings this song. Since March, this song as meant more to me then most will understand.

Thanks.

Day 3

Well, it's the end of day 3 at my job and the good news is I still love my job. I am finding it very interesting and I am already learning so much. I have never been a supervisor of more then 2 people, so I find it interesting that the minute I walk into an area where people I am supervising are they stop doing whatever they are doing and act like they are working. This week I am just observing (and taking lots of notes) and next week I will really get my feet wet.

The bad news: I still don't have an office. The person that is currently in my office is taking his sweet time to move to another office. I am getting a little frustrated that I don't have an office yet. I kind of feel like I am homeless. I was promised that by tomorrow I will have my office. I hope so. I think the last three days I have been going through Internet/blog detox since I have no access to a computer. I am beginning to relate to the clients.

I woke up this morning with a horrible sore throat. I was just thinking yesterday that the cold/flu season is probably pretty rough around my agency. (it's an inpatient drug/alcohol treatment center) To my surprise the cold/flu season has come early for me. All day I felt like my head was huge, I had a headache and my ears started hurting. I hope I don't get too sick and that this will pass soon. I told my supervisor about my sore throat and she informed me that new employees usually miss a lot of work the first year due to all the things they catch from the clients. She said that after the first year I will have an immune system made from steel. I hope so.

It's been an adjustment coming home from work to an empty house. Last night I was pretty lonely and just wishing there was someone that I could talk to. She is coming and like so many people keep telling me, this is the time that God is preparing her for me.

Laura is coming back into town tomorrow. She is coming back for work and to get her stuff out of the house. I am hoping that all the hard work I have done the last couple of weeks is not forgotten when I see her. I pray for strength and guidance through the next 5 days. I need to keep reminding myself that it's ok that we are no longer together and that we are no longer together because of her, not me.

Wordless Wednesday (Tuesday Edition)

Wordless Wednesday

Day 1

Well, my first day of work is over. I am exhausted both mentally and physically (boy it's hard getting up when you've been able to sleep in for four months), but so excited about my job. As tired as I am, I can't wait to get back there tomorrow.

Today was filled with lots and lots of information. Since I will be supervising over 20 people I have to learn their job in order to learn my job. So, really I am learning two jobs at once.

I spent most of today with my supervisor going over different agency policies, etc. I will tell you, I love my boss. She seems like a real down to earth person and easy to get along with. I am really looking forward to working with her.

Getting back in the work field is exactly what I needed. I feel like I have a purpose again. I don't feel like I am sitting around all day thinking about what went wrong with my relationship with Laura and how I could have done things differently. I can't tell you how great it felt to get out there and actually do something today.

Today I did not have an office to go to. I guess someone moved into my office a few weeks ago due to some problems with their office and they spent today moving out. So...tomorrow I should officially have an office and a space to call my own. My office is in an older building in downtown Kansas City and I love this building. The floor in my office is made from bricks. I think it will keep it cool in the summer, but I wonder how cold it will be in the dead of winter. Oh well, I will cross that bridge when I get to it. Today was hotter then hell. I think it got to 92. Summer is just getting here and I am already wishing for those cool days.

Well, it's time for me to relax now and rest my brain.

P.S. I did not hear from that other agency on Friday or today. But as much as I like this job, I don't think I would take the other job even if they could match my salary requirements.

What a Wise Woman

Yesterday Demi Moore was on Oprah. She was talking with Maria Shriver about Motherhood and Mother's Day. As I sat watching Demi I realized how wise she really is and how down to earth she is. There was a point in her life when she was not speaking with her Mother. 3 months before her Mom's death the two were able to make ammends. What I learned from watching Demi yesterday was just what I needed in terms of my own relationship with my Mom, but also the whole letting go process with Laura.

Two things she said hit my core. The first was "Live in the love that was shared, not the loss." For so long I have lived through the loss that I have had with my Mom. It was almost as if I had forgotten all the good times I had with my Mom because of the loss that had occurred. It made me take a closer look at the love my Mom and I once had. In terms of Laura I also needed to hear this. It is so easy to sum of the last three years with what has happened the last two months. Laura and I had a lot of good times, many which were shared on this blog. It would be shame if I were to only see the last two months when I think of the time I had with Laura. What I learned from Laura I would have never been able to learn on my own. Maybe that is why she came into my life. To teach me how to be myself and to be proud of that person.

The second thing Demi said was, "When you clear the path, you clear it for so much more." Hearing this made me realize that I need to clear my path. If I want more good to come into my life then I must clear the path. It's hard to get to my good when there is so much crap in the way.

So on this evening I am thankful for the following:

*My Mother

*My friend Laura

*That I hung in there and gave good another chance.

Job 1 vs Job 2

So I start my new job on Monday. I am beyond excited. It will be so good to get up every morning and have some place to go. It will also be good to have someone other then the pets to talk to. As much as I have tried to have conversations with the pets, they just don't respond to me and look at me like I have lost my mind. For a while there, they were probably right about losing my mind.

At the same time I interviewed for this job I interviewed for another. Let's call them Job 1 and Job 2. I am due to start Job 1 on Monday and like I just mentioned, I am very excited. My interview with Job 2 went really well. It's for an Executive Director position and could be a huge boost in my career. My interview for Job 2 was over an hour long and I was feeling pretty good about it until they told me the salary. Because it's such a small agency they could only pay me so much and with no health insurance benefits. I explained to them that I would need a certain amount for my salary and because health insurance is so expensive I would need some assistance with that as well. They said they would talk with the rest of the board and get back to me. Well, I didn't hear from them. I assumed they were not able to meet my salary requirements and gone with someone else. In the mean time, Job 1 called and offered me the job and I jumped on the opportunity to work for this company.

When I got home from my orientation for Job 1 on Tuesday there was a message from one of the board members from Job 2. He explained that the salary was the same, but they could assist me with health insurance. I talked it over with a couple friends and we all agreed that Job 1 would be the best for me right now. I kept meaning to call them back, but didn't get around to it.

About an hour ago I got another call from Job 2. I explained to the board member that I could not financially afford to work for the amount they were offering me. He asked what it would take for me to come to work for them. I gave him a number (about $6000 more then what I am going to be making at Job 1) and that I would need some assistance with health insurance. He said he was getting ready to meet with the other board members and would be calling me back this afternoon.

I would love working at both places. But money is a big factor right now. Now I just need to decide (if Job 2 comes back and agrees to my counter offer) if I will take Job 1 or Job 2.

It is a good feeling knowing that I can be assertive for my needs and tell them exactly what I want. Oh, and it feels good knowing that an agency is so willing to hire me that they will do whatever it takes to get me there.

The Best Kind of Love

I never thought I was co-dependant, but I was wrong. I have done a lot of reading on co-dependency in the past few months and boy am I co-dependant. You would think that since I am a social worker I would know certain behaviors to avoid since they are unhealthy. But, I did not. I am probably a social worker because I am co-dependant. But like the saying goes, it's easier to tell someone else what is wrong rather then looking at yourself and seeing what you need to change.

The last two months I had no other choice but to look deep inside of myself and see how I contributed to the breakdown of my relationship with Laura. It was not an easy thing to do and I avoided doing that for days and even weeks. But if I want to move into a healthy relationship I had to examine myself from the inside out.

This examination has been a difficult path, but one that I am very thankful for. I feel blessed that I have the opportunity to see what I need to change and then make those changes.

In looking back through my life I can see how co-dependency has played a major role in my relationships. When I was 10 years old my Mom and I were getting ready to go to Minnesota to pick up my Grandma who was sick. My Mom had been arguing with my brother and was very upset as we were getting ready to leave. I remember sitting there trying to console my Mother and I remember telling her "everything will be ok". As a ten year old child I should not have felt like I needed to take care of my Mother. But that pattern continued until just three years ago. For some reason I always felt that I needed to take care of my parents emotionally. I did what they wanted me to because I did not want to cause any problems for them. The minute I did something that was wrong, I immediately tried to change my behavior for them. I believe this is part of the reason it took me so long to finally admit that I was gay. I was terrified of what it would do to my parents when I should have been putting myself and my feelings first.

It's hard loving yourself more then someone else. It's so much easier to love and take care of someone else then it is yourself. Why is self love so hard?

Each day I find something that I love about myself and I think that thought all day. Slowly, but surely I am finding that self-love is the best kind of love you can have.

Wordless Wednesday (On Tuesday Night)

Wordless Wednesday

I'm Gonna Build Me A Boat

So it's been raining here...A LOT. Since Saturday we have gotten 3 inches of rain at my house and they are saying that by Friday we could have a total of 10 inches. I am not sure where all this water is going to go. I am beginning to think that instead of getting an apartment, I will need to start building a boat in my backyard to get back and forth to work. I am a bit anal when it comes to the yard and I managed to mow on Thursday between storms and then again on Saturday before it started raining again. But, it seems that we are going to have rain until the end of this week, so I may need a tractor to mow by the time the weekend comes around.

Making more progress on the house. I managed to do a lot of cleaning and cleaning out of things. Kansas City has a "big item" pick up every other month and luckily the next on is this month. I am going to work hard at getting everything to the curb for them to pick up. With moving into a one bedroom apartment, I am going to have a lot of things I need to get rid of. Craigslist...here I come. I am hoping to be able to sell a lot of the stuff that way I will have some extra money in my pocket.

I go tomorrow for my orientation, physical and drug test for my new job. I am so excited to start my new job next Monday. The distraction will welcome and it will be good getting out of the house everyday.

Tag...You're It

I was tagged by Casey, so here is how the game is played.

Give 7 random facts about yourself and then at the end of the post, tag 7 people. Make sure you leave them a comment so they know they have been tagged. So...here we go.

1) I remember all of my dreams. There are times when I wake up and I am happy that I am awake and it was just a dream, but then other times I wish I could have just a few more minutes in that dream. My dreams are very detailed and I usually dream in color. I keep telling myself that I need to get a dream book so I know what all these dreams mean.

2) I have 3 plastic containers upstairs that contain every single card or letter that anyone has written me since I was 11 years old. I love going back and reading those cards and thinking about that particular time. For instance: I still have every single RSVP card from my wedding to my ex husband. Why I saved them, I have no idea. The letters from my parents/family often comfort me when I am feeling sad about how our relationship has gone. So be forewarned: if you send me a card, I will have it forever.

3) I have always named my cars. I learned this from my parents who also name their cars. My favorite name of a car when I was growing up was what my parents had named my Grandmas car. She had a bright yellow Citation (it was bright yellow so people could see her coming since she refused to quit driving) and my Dad named it "Buttercup". Other names of cars I have had: Walter, Wanda and my current car is named Lulu.

4) When I was born my parents named me Jennifer Jane. When I was six weeks old they decided they didn't like that name and changed my name to Caroline. When I was growing up I used to hate my name. I didn't know any Caroline's, but I knew several Carolyn's. So for about a year I changed the spelling of my name and went by Carolyn. I realized it was very confusing to people and just stuck with Caroline. Now that I am older, I love my name and wouldn't change it for the world.

5) I love water now, but as a child I was scared to death of it. My parents had a cabin on a lake and when I was about 3 or 4 my parents try to get me to go swimming, but I would just sit on the dock and scream bloody Mary. I am not sure when this fear went away because by 7 I was a fish and it was always a struggle to get me out of the water. I also was a lifeguard for 3 summers when I was a teenager. Talk about a dream job; getting paid to suntan.

6) I love family pictures. I don't even have to know who is in the pictures, I just love looking at them. Just like cards, I have every picture I have ever taken. I think it's a wonderful way to remember a moment in time.

7) Growing up I only lived in two homes. From birth to 12 we lived in one house and then from 12 until I got married we lived in the same house. Looking back, I am very thankful for that stability. Since 1995 I have only lived in 3 different places. So, this next move is exciting for me and it will be nice to have new surroundings. Oh, and a pool.

I tag Lynilu, Amy, Sassy, Eye of the Rainbow, Nat, Sonya, and Sandra.

Please Help Brady

Here are some pictures of Brady. Please help me find a good, loving home for him. He is the most loving cat out there. It breaks my heart that I can not take him with me to the apartment, but I know of all the cats, it will be easiest for him to go to a new home. Brady has never met any strangers.

He knows his name and when you say his name he comes running from wherever he is. He loves to cuddle and has one of the loudest purrs I know. If I can find a good home for him, I would even be willing to drive him to that new home. Please help me and especially Brady.

Progress

I have made some progress on what to do with the house. I decided (with the help of a friend last night) that my only option is to sell the house. As much as I didn't want to have to do that, right now this is my only choice to stay above water financially. And you know what, I am ok with this decision.

I called Lynilu's realtor that sold her house this morning and she will be here Monday to give me an idea as to what we can sell it for. It won't go on the market until probably the 20th of May since Laura has to be here to sign the papers to allow the house to go on the market. When she is in town that weekend, it will also give her a chance to finally get her stuff out of the house.

I already found an apartment that I want to rent. I will only be getting a one bedroom since that is all I will need. I had a hard time finding an apartment that would take a dog over 25lbs. Some sad news: I will only be able to take one of my cats. This is going to break my heart. My oldest cat, Bonk, will go with Laura. Bonk is very attached to Laura, so that will be fine. I am so sad to think that I will have to find good homes for Brady (orange tabby) and Astro (gray tabby). Both Astro and Brady are sitting here right with me and I can barely look at them. I feel like I have failed them. But I have to do what I need to do for me. I will take Ben, who is the youngest cat. Again, my heart is just breaking for Brady and Astro. Laura might take Astro, but she has never really liked Brady and I know she would not take him. So, if you know anyone that would welcome a very loving orange tabby into their home, please let me know.

There are several positives that I can see in moving from a house to an apartment. 1) I will not have to do any repairs. If anything goes wrong I can just call maintenance. 2) They have an awesome pool. 3) I will not have to maintain a yard. As much as I love mowing, it would be nice not having to worry about it for a while.

I hope the house will sell quick that way I can finally move on with my life. My goal is to be in the new apartment by July 1. If I can before that, that would be even better.

I feel good that I have finally stepped off the fence and making some tough decisions. I feel my power is back again.

Warmth

Enough Said.

I Need Some Relief

I continue to struggle with my depression. It's weird though because one minute I am feeling fine and the next I am in tears. I just want all of this to be over and done with. I am tired of working through my emotions. I am tired of feeling.

I wish I had someone here to help with the burden of all of this. It is so hard dealing with all of this when everything you once knew is gone. I have more friends then I have fingers, but I still feel more alone then ever.

I want someone that is here everyday that can help me work through all of this. I am tired of the only noise coming from the house is the TV. I miss talking with someone everyday.

Today, right at this moment, life is hard. I know it will not be like this forever, but right now I struggle to see how I can put up with one more day of this.

I just want to sleep. I just want a break from all of this. Can I not catch a break?

I know God does not give you more then you can handle, but I feel I am at my limits here and I don't see any relief in sight. I just want some relief.

I need help with all of this.

On a Lighter Note

Sophie and I have a routine on the mornings when I go and get a bagel. The bagel place I go to sells "Doggie Bagels" and Sophie has come to really love them. When I go and get my bagel, it's as if she knows I have been there and knows she has a special treat coming. It's like she can smell the bagel shop on me when I first walk in. She will come running downstairs to the kitchen and starts sniffing around the counter looking for her treat. Here are pictures from our routine just a few days ago.
Here is her doggie bagel. You can't see her in this picture, but believe me she is in the background barking up a storm wondering why I am taking a picture of the bagel and not giving it to her.

Here she is being very inpatient while I take pictures. I can not repeat what she is saying to me.

Usually she will walk around for a few minutes with the bagel in her mouth. But on this day I think she was upset that I took the time to take pictures. As you can see, she wasted no time in eating her bagel.

Here she is enjoying the bagel. She did tell me that she does not enjoy having her picture taken while she is eating. I need to work with her on talking back to me.

And here she is trying to figure out how she could have eaten the bagel so fast and why didn't take more time to enjoy it.

I have yet to break the news to her that I am going back to work in a week and she will not get as many bagel treats. I know it's going to break her heart.

A Little Help From My Friends

OK, I need a little help from all my friends out there. I don't usually ask for compliments or comments to boost my self esteem, but I feel I need them today more then ever. Laura is here packing more of her stuff and it's been kind of bad. She continues to turn this on me and try to make me feel bad for things. Please tell me that I should not feel bad for the following:

*Not taking that first job. I am so tired of her saying that I would not be in my financial situation if I had taken the first job. As a social worker, I don't just take a job for the paycheck. I have to have some motivation for the job, especially if I am working with children.

*For taking two weeks before I start my new job. I was just offered the job last Thursday and realistically I would not have been able to start until this coming Monday due to background checks, physicals and drug tests that need to be done. So really, I am only taking off one additional week.

*For making her get her things out here sooner then later.

*For telling her she cheated on me. She insists she did not, but emotionally she did. Cheating is cheating in my book.

*For telling her not to talk to me like I am a 12 year old. She did that for three years and it was three years too long.

*For not having made a decision regarding the house. The last six weeks I was not in a position mentally to make any major decisions. I know she wants off the mortgage/deed, but she must be patient until I can figure out what I want to do.

*For having this blog. She never liked it and has given me grief for years because I choose to have my own space on this blog.

*For talking with her about how overwhelmed I am feeling about all that needs to be done. She told me that I need to make a decision regarding the house. I interrupted that as "I want out of the responsibility of this house as soon as possible".

*For not wanting to hear how perfect her life is with her. At this moment it's just too hard for me to hear how happy she is with another woman. I keep telling her that one day I will get there, but right now it's just to hard.

*Almost forgot this one: for wanting to keep my Honda Accord. When we first decided to break up she wanted to take the Honda (and the payment) and I would keep her car. I don't like her car and never have. I knew it needed a lot of work and didn't want to put any money into it. She wanted to take the Honda so financially it would be a little easier on me. I understand that, but I didn't want to loose my car. When we sold her car we found out that the frame was bend and they told us it was not safe to drive. When this was brought up again today about the car, her response to me was , "we didn't know that at the time". Like that makes a difference? The car was not safe to drive and that pisses me off that she would want me driving in a car that is obviously not safe to drive.

Oh, and the sunny day I was hoping for did not happen. It's still rainy and gloomy outside. Thursday has got to be better.

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Rainy Day

Not only is it rainy here in Kansas City, but for some reason my heart feels all sad and gloomy as well.

My positive attitude about myself and my life seem to have disappeared in the last couple of days. I am working hard at regaining that positive attitude and confidence. There are moments when it seems like an uphill battle that I wonder if I will ever actually win. But what keeps me going is the faith in myself that I will make it and come out at the other end a better person.

I think part of what is going on is the fact that Laura is back in town. She has officially moved to Shreveport to be with her. She had to come back into town for a few days for work as well as to pick up some more of her things from the house. She is staying with her parents, which is a very good thing. But part of me wants to tell her to get all of her stuff out NOW that way I don't have to relive this whole experience every time she is back in town. And the fact that every time I walk upstairs I have see the spare room that is filled with all her stuff brings it all back. I need the courage to be more assertive for what is best for me and not worry about her reaction. It's been two months since the breakup, you would think that would be enough time for her to get her stuff out.

I wish there was a magic pill that I could take for courage, assertiveness and confidence. I was never taught that as a child and if I am ever blessed with a child, the above three will the most important thing I teach that child, besides love of course.

I think what else has me in a funk today is the comments I got from my last post. As much as I appreciate the concern that is being shown for me, I feel getting out there and meeting people would be the best thing for me. Before Laura I was not really into the gay community, so knowing where to meet quality people is something I struggle with. I know where to go for a "booty" call, but I am seeking something so much more then that.

I hope tomorrow is sunny because my attitude always seems to be better when the sun is on my face.