2002-2003 were very tough for me. It all started in the spring of 2002. I was 4 months away from graduating with my masters degree. In late 2001 I had decided to go back to the church. This meant 6 months of going to all the services, having to sit in the back and having no one talk to me. Trying to be reinstated as a witness is a very difficult and humbling experience. You know how hard it is to admit to someone when you have done something wrong? Well, those 6 months of me attending church and having no one talk to me was like having to tell someone day after day that you were wrong and just hoping they will forgive you. Finally in March 2002 the elders agreed that I had repented and I was allowed back as a member of the congregation. The elders in my committee were kind of an ass, and I really think they would have made me wait longer if it weren't for my Mother having major surgery. I think they wanted to make sure she could talk to me before she went in for this surgery. So, 5 days before her surgery the announcement was made and just like that I was a beloved member again. It really is weird how no one would talk to me one second and then just like that I was loved and it was as if I had never left. Very weird.
Usually when someone is reinstated they feel very joyous and happy, but I was very sad. I felt like I had just sold myself again to a cult that could not accept me for who I was. Yes I was happy to be part of the family again, but I was having to give up ME in order to be part of THEM. I hated myself when that announcement was made.
In May 2002 I graduated with my masters and moved on to a job that I absolutely hated. I was the social worker for a nursing home and I hated getting up in the morning to go to work. I will never again work in a job where I don't feel like I was suppose to be there.
By the end of the summer I was in the middle of a major depression. I knew I had made the wrong decision of going back to the church, but I couldn't face telling my parents that. So I just kept getting up in the morning and going to a job that I hated.
In November I went down to the garage to get something out of my car and when I was leaning into the car I hit my forehead. My first thought was, "ouch that hurt". My second thought was, "that also felt kind of good".
That was when I realized something in me felt better after experiencing physical pain.
For six weeks I continued to hurt myself to let go of some of the emotional pain I was feeling. My family knew about it as well as several other people. I really don't think people knew what to say (there was no hiding it since it was on my forehead), so most said nothing. My parents did ask me what was going on and when I told them they said I was just trying to get attention. They never understood and never tried to understand.
I really thought I was going crazy/insane. I had no idea why I was doing this and why I couldn't stop. I was using my deodorant bottle because the corner was perfect for breaking the skin. My therapist asked me to count the times I was hitting my forehead and I kind of laughed at her. The next time I cut I tried to count, but stopped counting when I got to 170 hits. Thankfully the scar I have is not too bad. But if you look closely you can see the scar.
Thankfully my therapist realized my family was doing nothing to help so she insisted I get help. I did get help and even though I was feeling a little better, I still hated who I had become.
Somehow I made it through the spring of '03 and then on July 10, 2003 my soul was literally set free.
.......to be continued
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Real Quick
It's rare that I get to blog at work, but this morning when I came in I shut my door and decided to write a quick something.
Thank you (again and again) for your wonderful comments and several supportive emails from my posts. You guys are the best and I know that by writing I am helping so many people who might be going through something very similar. For that I will continue to write.
But I have also had a few comments (and some emails) from people thinking that by me writing my last few posts I am not letting go of the past. I don't know if I would say that, but I just wanted to share more of my story because there is so many things that have made me who I am today. And by sharing it with people and getting it out there, I don't feel as ashamed by what was done to me. Make sense?
Other news:
I have had "digestive" problems for the past several months and I finally called the doctor yesterday. I have done some of my own research and here are some of the things that could be going on:
~Irritable Bowel Syndrome
~Gall Bladder problems
~Ulcer
So, tomorrow I go to the doctor and we will see what's going on. I am also going to ask for some pills for anxiety. My anxiety has been off the chart and I have been trying to manage it on my own, but I don't think it's working well. I have been avoiding the scale for almost a month now, but I know they will weigh me tomorrow. Ugh. Oh well, I guess it's time to face it head on.
I should be posting part III tonight.
P.S. In the time I have been writing this post (10 minutes) I have had 4 people come to my office door, I have had 2 people call me on the phone and was paged twice. Gotta go and put out a few fires.
Thank you (again and again) for your wonderful comments and several supportive emails from my posts. You guys are the best and I know that by writing I am helping so many people who might be going through something very similar. For that I will continue to write.
But I have also had a few comments (and some emails) from people thinking that by me writing my last few posts I am not letting go of the past. I don't know if I would say that, but I just wanted to share more of my story because there is so many things that have made me who I am today. And by sharing it with people and getting it out there, I don't feel as ashamed by what was done to me. Make sense?
Other news:
I have had "digestive" problems for the past several months and I finally called the doctor yesterday. I have done some of my own research and here are some of the things that could be going on:
~Irritable Bowel Syndrome
~Gall Bladder problems
~Ulcer
So, tomorrow I go to the doctor and we will see what's going on. I am also going to ask for some pills for anxiety. My anxiety has been off the chart and I have been trying to manage it on my own, but I don't think it's working well. I have been avoiding the scale for almost a month now, but I know they will weigh me tomorrow. Ugh. Oh well, I guess it's time to face it head on.
I should be posting part III tonight.
P.S. In the time I have been writing this post (10 minutes) I have had 4 people come to my office door, I have had 2 people call me on the phone and was paged twice. Gotta go and put out a few fires.
Monday, January 14, 2008
The Truth....Part II
First of all, thank you so much for your support of me talking about these things that are so personal and private. I almost took down the post last night, but then remembered something I have told many of my clients: We are as sick as our secrets. So for now I will continue to write.
Shame. When I think about shame I know the very first time I felt ashamed. I was 3 years old and I had just split my chin wide open. We were at my cousins house and my brother, my cousin and I were playing in the basement. They were pushing me on this tricycle and it flipped over and I hit my chin on the concrete floor. The next thing I know I am walking around the house holding my bloody chin looking for my parents. I remember thinking that it wasn't that big of a deal and I felt bad that I was bleeding all over the place and I was afraid to show my parents what had happened. It makes me sad to think that at such a young age I was feeling like I didn't want to be a burden to anyone.
I was never taught to love myself. My Mother had very low self-esteem through most of my childhood. There were many times when I would have to comfort her because she was so upset. I remember one time in particular where I was ten and I tried to comfort my Mom when she was crying and she snapped at me because I didn't say the right thing. It's no secret that my brother was a very difficult child. He was always causing problems for my parents and I know he has some serious mental health issues. Anyway, back to my story. My Mom and I were sitting in the driveway getting ready to drive to Minnesota to pick up my Dad's Mom who was having some serious health issues. My Mom was crying because as usual my brother started some crap with her as we were getting ready to leave. She sat crying saying she was so upset because she didn't want to leave my brother while he was so upset. I put my hand on her arm and told her that he would be OK. She snapped at me and said, "you don't know what you are talking about". I was upset because here was my Mom who was so upset and I couldn't do anything to help her. I was ashamed with myself.
Around the same age (10) my brother started sexually abusing me. His abuse continued until I was 12. I remember thinking that I must have done something wrong for him to be doing this to me. He told me that if I told my parents they would not believe me and would probably make me leave the house. I believed what he told me, so I didn't say anything.
When the abuse was happening I became very attached to our dogs and one in particular; Shaggs. I always had to know where she was and that she was OK. Then one day I did something that I still don't understand. Our house was three floors and when you were on the 3rd floor you could look down the stairs to the first floor. I was on the third floor and I picked Shaggs up and threw her over the edge. She fell all the way to the first floor. My parents freaked out!!! They started yelling at me asking why I would do such a thing. To this day I hate the fact that I did that to Shaggs and will probably carry the guilt for the rest of my life. Thankfully Shaggs was not hurt at all. I really don't know how she wasn't hurt because it was a big fall from the third floor. To me, that was an obvious sign that there was something going on, but my parents ignored it. You have no idea how ashamed I was that I did that to the one thing that loved me unconditionally.
Of course I think part of my shame comes from the sexual abuse I suffered from, but I am always wondering why when I was 3 I was already feeling shame. Shame is a lot like weight: it's really easy to be ashamed, but to rid yourself of shame takes so much time and work.
Last night and the first part of today I was feeling ashamed about my post from last night. It was a crazy day (what day isn't anymore) at work and I didn't have a chance to read your comments until late in the day. I will say that your loving comments made me feel like it's OK that I share this with you guys. I need to get used to sharing more and realizing that I have done nothing to be ashamed of and more importantly that I am not alone.
Now that it feels safe to share, there is so much I am wanting to get out. I hope you guys are up for the ride.
....to be continued
Shame. When I think about shame I know the very first time I felt ashamed. I was 3 years old and I had just split my chin wide open. We were at my cousins house and my brother, my cousin and I were playing in the basement. They were pushing me on this tricycle and it flipped over and I hit my chin on the concrete floor. The next thing I know I am walking around the house holding my bloody chin looking for my parents. I remember thinking that it wasn't that big of a deal and I felt bad that I was bleeding all over the place and I was afraid to show my parents what had happened. It makes me sad to think that at such a young age I was feeling like I didn't want to be a burden to anyone.
I was never taught to love myself. My Mother had very low self-esteem through most of my childhood. There were many times when I would have to comfort her because she was so upset. I remember one time in particular where I was ten and I tried to comfort my Mom when she was crying and she snapped at me because I didn't say the right thing. It's no secret that my brother was a very difficult child. He was always causing problems for my parents and I know he has some serious mental health issues. Anyway, back to my story. My Mom and I were sitting in the driveway getting ready to drive to Minnesota to pick up my Dad's Mom who was having some serious health issues. My Mom was crying because as usual my brother started some crap with her as we were getting ready to leave. She sat crying saying she was so upset because she didn't want to leave my brother while he was so upset. I put my hand on her arm and told her that he would be OK. She snapped at me and said, "you don't know what you are talking about". I was upset because here was my Mom who was so upset and I couldn't do anything to help her. I was ashamed with myself.
Around the same age (10) my brother started sexually abusing me. His abuse continued until I was 12. I remember thinking that I must have done something wrong for him to be doing this to me. He told me that if I told my parents they would not believe me and would probably make me leave the house. I believed what he told me, so I didn't say anything.
When the abuse was happening I became very attached to our dogs and one in particular; Shaggs. I always had to know where she was and that she was OK. Then one day I did something that I still don't understand. Our house was three floors and when you were on the 3rd floor you could look down the stairs to the first floor. I was on the third floor and I picked Shaggs up and threw her over the edge. She fell all the way to the first floor. My parents freaked out!!! They started yelling at me asking why I would do such a thing. To this day I hate the fact that I did that to Shaggs and will probably carry the guilt for the rest of my life. Thankfully Shaggs was not hurt at all. I really don't know how she wasn't hurt because it was a big fall from the third floor. To me, that was an obvious sign that there was something going on, but my parents ignored it. You have no idea how ashamed I was that I did that to the one thing that loved me unconditionally.
Of course I think part of my shame comes from the sexual abuse I suffered from, but I am always wondering why when I was 3 I was already feeling shame. Shame is a lot like weight: it's really easy to be ashamed, but to rid yourself of shame takes so much time and work.
Last night and the first part of today I was feeling ashamed about my post from last night. It was a crazy day (what day isn't anymore) at work and I didn't have a chance to read your comments until late in the day. I will say that your loving comments made me feel like it's OK that I share this with you guys. I need to get used to sharing more and realizing that I have done nothing to be ashamed of and more importantly that I am not alone.
Now that it feels safe to share, there is so much I am wanting to get out. I hope you guys are up for the ride.
....to be continued
Sunday, January 13, 2008
The Truth....Part I
I may regret this post, but for right now I feel like sharing.
Well, this is certainly harder then I thought it was going to be. I have literally sat here for 20 minutes trying to figure out how to say what I need to say.
I go through my day trying to have a positive attitude about how things are. I tell myself that things will be OK and that it will all work out, but then I look down at my left arm and see the scars and I wonder if I will ever be OK. I wonder if I will ever not see the scars?
This past spring I took out my sadness, anger and fear out on my own body and in the end myself. Instead of comforting myself and reassuring myself that none of what happened was my fault, I treated my body like it was the reason all of this was happening. I get so sad when I think of how I treated myself then; and even today.
Not too many people understand why people would cut themselves. As a social worker with a masters degree, I don't think I completely understand either. I think part of it for me is; the emotional pain is just too great for me to handle that I need an outlet somewhere. The weird thing for me is the fact that this did not start when it starts for most people. Most people will start cutting when they are a teenager, but for me it started when I was an adult.
When I started my job I was worried what I would say if someone asked me what the scars were from. During the summer I would notice people looking at them, but no one asked me. I am thankful that no one has asked me because I really don't know what I would say. I could lie about it, but I am horrible at lying and I am sure they would see right through it.
The last time I cut was in October when MG told me after one week to get out of her house and life.
Damaged goods: yea that is how I feel most of the time. Sometimes I feel so disposable to other people. It seems so easy for people to just let me go and not think anything about it. I wonder if my past will be too much for someone to handle. And why in the hell is it so easy for people to just turn away from me? It doesn't seem fair; not at all.
So why share all of this tonight? Well, for the first time since October I was really upset and wanted to cut. I decided to write tonight instead of doing something that would not help at all. I have not been a good friend to so many people in the last year and I am really upset at myself for letting so many people down. I have been horrible at returning emails, phone calls, etc. I know that I have hurt others along the way and all I can say is I am sorry. I hope one day those that I have hurt (or let down) will find it in their hearts to forgive me.
I grew up in a family where we were not taught to be honest, so I have no idea where my honesty comes from. It's almost like I have enough honesty for my entire family. Even when I try to lie, I never get away with it. I usually end up telling on myself because I feel so guilty.
I don't think I have ever lied on this blog and have been very honest. But I think I am very cautious when I do share because I am afraid of what others will think of me, etc.
I have found that asking for help is extremely hard for me. Really hard. I feel that others will look at me as a failure if I do ask for help. But I think it's time for me to be honest about the fact that I can not do this by myself. I just hope that I have not lost too many readers/friends by sharing what I have tonight. But I think that is a risk I need to take because honestly...I can't handle all these secrets and shame on my own anymore.
.....to be continued
Well, this is certainly harder then I thought it was going to be. I have literally sat here for 20 minutes trying to figure out how to say what I need to say.
I go through my day trying to have a positive attitude about how things are. I tell myself that things will be OK and that it will all work out, but then I look down at my left arm and see the scars and I wonder if I will ever be OK. I wonder if I will ever not see the scars?
This past spring I took out my sadness, anger and fear out on my own body and in the end myself. Instead of comforting myself and reassuring myself that none of what happened was my fault, I treated my body like it was the reason all of this was happening. I get so sad when I think of how I treated myself then; and even today.
Not too many people understand why people would cut themselves. As a social worker with a masters degree, I don't think I completely understand either. I think part of it for me is; the emotional pain is just too great for me to handle that I need an outlet somewhere. The weird thing for me is the fact that this did not start when it starts for most people. Most people will start cutting when they are a teenager, but for me it started when I was an adult.
When I started my job I was worried what I would say if someone asked me what the scars were from. During the summer I would notice people looking at them, but no one asked me. I am thankful that no one has asked me because I really don't know what I would say. I could lie about it, but I am horrible at lying and I am sure they would see right through it.
The last time I cut was in October when MG told me after one week to get out of her house and life.
Damaged goods: yea that is how I feel most of the time. Sometimes I feel so disposable to other people. It seems so easy for people to just let me go and not think anything about it. I wonder if my past will be too much for someone to handle. And why in the hell is it so easy for people to just turn away from me? It doesn't seem fair; not at all.
So why share all of this tonight? Well, for the first time since October I was really upset and wanted to cut. I decided to write tonight instead of doing something that would not help at all. I have not been a good friend to so many people in the last year and I am really upset at myself for letting so many people down. I have been horrible at returning emails, phone calls, etc. I know that I have hurt others along the way and all I can say is I am sorry. I hope one day those that I have hurt (or let down) will find it in their hearts to forgive me.
I grew up in a family where we were not taught to be honest, so I have no idea where my honesty comes from. It's almost like I have enough honesty for my entire family. Even when I try to lie, I never get away with it. I usually end up telling on myself because I feel so guilty.
I don't think I have ever lied on this blog and have been very honest. But I think I am very cautious when I do share because I am afraid of what others will think of me, etc.
I have found that asking for help is extremely hard for me. Really hard. I feel that others will look at me as a failure if I do ask for help. But I think it's time for me to be honest about the fact that I can not do this by myself. I just hope that I have not lost too many readers/friends by sharing what I have tonight. But I think that is a risk I need to take because honestly...I can't handle all these secrets and shame on my own anymore.
.....to be continued
Work in Progress
Like I do most Sunday mornings, I watched Joel Osteen. This morning I wasn't feeling happy, but I wasn't depressed either. It's weird because someone asked me how I was feeling yesterday and I really couldn't say I was good, but I couldn't say I was depressed either. I am kind of in the middle somewhere; if that makes any sense. He said something that really got me thinking. He said the bigger your problems are, the bigger your future is. If this statement is true, then my future must be really, really big.
As much as I love weekends, I also get a little lonely. I really don't mind being by myself, but every once in a while I wish there was someone here with me. I know that I just need to be patient and keep in mind that she will be worth the wait and until then it's OK that I am single.
I have been reading the book "The Secret" a little each night. The chapter I am on is about relationships. It's all very good information and something I will have to read again and again. It's amazing how easy a good attitude can be changed to a very negative one. Sometimes I have thoughts like, "why am I not good enough for anyone?" But after reading this chapter on relationship I know that in order to attract positive in my life, I need to change that sentence "I am perfect the way I am".
Maybe that is why I have had such bad headaches: I keep having these mini battles with myself. One minute I see all the good I can offer, and then the next minute I can only find the negative.
I am just going to take it one day at a time. Attitude is everything and it's days like this where I realize I really am a work in progress.
As much as I love weekends, I also get a little lonely. I really don't mind being by myself, but every once in a while I wish there was someone here with me. I know that I just need to be patient and keep in mind that she will be worth the wait and until then it's OK that I am single.
I have been reading the book "The Secret" a little each night. The chapter I am on is about relationships. It's all very good information and something I will have to read again and again. It's amazing how easy a good attitude can be changed to a very negative one. Sometimes I have thoughts like, "why am I not good enough for anyone?" But after reading this chapter on relationship I know that in order to attract positive in my life, I need to change that sentence "I am perfect the way I am".
Maybe that is why I have had such bad headaches: I keep having these mini battles with myself. One minute I see all the good I can offer, and then the next minute I can only find the negative.
I am just going to take it one day at a time. Attitude is everything and it's days like this where I realize I really am a work in progress.
New Favorite
This is my new favorite song!! Love Love Love it.
I don't know if it's just me, but I think Alanis is hot in this video.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
The View
My migraine is much better today. While I was waiting for the Tylenol to kick in I sat and brushed Sophie. It was so calming and really helped my head and Sophie loved the extra attention. I had to be at work by 7am today for my tech meeting; which went just fine. I still have one tech that is a complete bully, but other then that everyone seems to be doing better. Would you believe every single tech showed up??? I guess the fact that they were going to be written up if they didn't had a small part in that. Once I got home I was exhausted again. So I laid down and took a small nap and now I am feeling like it's finally the weekend and I can relax.On my way home last night I stopped at my new apartment. The one they had shown me is not the one I am moving into and I wanted to see what my view was going to be. The above picture is directly outside my front door. I love it!! As I was standing on my front steps I thought I heard some water running. Turns out there is a small creek about 10ft. from my door. I can't wait to move. Earlier in the week I was feeling a little sad about moving into a studio apartment, but after seeing the view I am feeling a lot better about the move.
I will be moving on March 1. I am actually taking possession the day before; which is leap day. Here's an interesting fact: my parents first date was on leap day 1968. I will be calling the same moving company and I am sure I am the talk of their office. Three moves in 5 months. Well, this will be my last move for a while. Hey the good news is I know exactly how much it will cost.
Hope everyone is having a great weekend!!
Friday, January 11, 2008
Thursday, January 10, 2008
10
I stole this from Katie.....
10 Sentences (not including this one)
1. It's hard working a full week when I have had 2 short work weeks.
2. 2008 will be my year.
3. I have found that by seeing the glass as half full I have a much better attitude.
4. I read so many blogs that inspire me on a daily basis.
5. I have enjoyed talking on IM with this person.
6. Ben peed on the bed again this morning; WTF??????
7. My favorite co-worker told me today that she is pregnant and I am slightly jealous.
8. I really have to downsize when I move.
9. I haven't got on the scale in more then 3 weeks and I am afraid to.
10. I get upset when people think I am rude just because I don't walk around with a smile on my face all the time.
10 Sentences (not including this one)
1. It's hard working a full week when I have had 2 short work weeks.
2. 2008 will be my year.
3. I have found that by seeing the glass as half full I have a much better attitude.
4. I read so many blogs that inspire me on a daily basis.
5. I have enjoyed talking on IM with this person.
6. Ben peed on the bed again this morning; WTF??????
7. My favorite co-worker told me today that she is pregnant and I am slightly jealous.
8. I really have to downsize when I move.
9. I haven't got on the scale in more then 3 weeks and I am afraid to.
10. I get upset when people think I am rude just because I don't walk around with a smile on my face all the time.
Wednesday, January 09, 2008
Beautiful
Thank you for all your awesome comments on my last post. I feel kind of bad because I don't think it was my best writing. To be honest, I have been in a major funk since Sunday and it just wouldn't go away. Even after getting some really good news yesterday, I was still pretty sad. Finally today I realized what was going on. You would think after 20+ years of the same monthly visitor I would realize what was happening. The good news is I am feeling a lot better this evening. I went to lunch with a co-worker and suddenly after lunch my funk was gone.The good news I got yesterday was I got the apartment!!! And the even better news is the fact that it does not face the street, but instead looks out on the woods. I think I will just picture myself in a small cabin in the woods to forget that I will be living in just 486 square feet. I am also right next to the pool which will be absolutely wonderful during the summer. I only made it to the pool once this past summer, so I am looking forward to relaxing in the pool this summer.
Last night on the way home I stopped at a convenience store close to my work and another guy tried to pick me up. I am not sure what it is with all these guys suddenly asking me out. Where are all the women that should be asking me out??? :) I will say the guy last night has a very cleaver pick up line. Here was our brief conversation:
Guy: Happy New Year Beautiful.
Me: Thank you
Guy: Did you make any New Years Resolutions?
Me: No, I really don't do that sort of thing.
Guy: Do you want to know what my resolution was this year?
Me: Sure
Guy: To find a beautiful woman just like you.
Me: (Just kind of looking at him)
Guy: Can I call you sometime?
Maybe I am sending out the wrong vibes. Whatever the case, it still feels good to have been told twice in a one week that I am beautiful.
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Where Everyone Knows Your Name
So here it is my 1000th post. One thing I learned today: I don’t write well when I feel pressured to write. I have spent most of today trying to figure out what I wanted to say. Then out of nowhere this song came into my mind. I love this song and it is exactly how I am feeling. 2 ½ years ago I found my corner of the world and it happen to be on this blog. Each time I have changed the name and/or address of the blog; my loyal readers have followed me. Some of you have known me most of the 2 ½ years, while others have just recently pulled up a chair to hear my story. Whenever our however you found me, I am glad you are here.
This blog would not exist if it weren’t for each of you. Each of you has given me the courage to share my story and more importantly to keep hanging on. The love and support I get from each of you is priceless. And for those of you that don’t always comment, just knowing that you read means a lot to me.
My world is a very crazy place right now, but this blog has given me some calmness and feeling like I finally belong somewhere. We all want to have a place where everyone knows our name. That place for me is right here.
So now it’s time to hear from each of you. Please leave a comment and say HI or to introduce yourself if you have never commented.
And here’s to another 1000…………………
Monday, January 07, 2008
Random Stuff
It was a typical Monday at work today. The minute I walked in I had several "issues" brought to my attention. I really don't like Monday mornings. Here are some other random things that have gone on in the last few days:
~I got asked out on a date. A very sweet guy from work asked me out last week. When he first asked me I thought he was just wanting to hang out some time after work. The more he talked the more I realized that it wasn't just as friends. The next day I went to his office to talk to him. It was very obvious that he did not get the memo that I was gay. But he took it very well and said that he would still love to take me to dinner one night. He said he just really likes being around me and wants to sit down sometime and just talk with me. I was so relieved that he took it well and is still willing to be my friend. He really is a sweet guy and I would have been sad if things had become uncomfortable between us.
~I really want to move North. The more I think about it the more I really want to get out of Kansas City. I am going to sit down in the next few weeks and come up with a 3 year plan. I think if I write out a plan it will be harder for me to ignore.
~I need to remember that Sunday afternoon naps really mess up my sleep. Last night I laid awake until 1:15am trying to fall asleep. Usually if I put Ben under the covers and just pet him I will be out in a few seconds, but not last night. I woke up around 2:30am and couldn't tell if I had been asleep or not, but then I remembered part of my dream and was relieved that I had fallen asleep. Sophie got me up at 6:30 to go outside. As I waited for her to finish her business I tried to come up an excuse to not go to work. I hate lying, so I decided I would feel guilty all day if I did call in, so I just got up and went to work.
~I always forget that when I get my period I get horrible headaches. So once a month I walk around with a bad headache and wonder why I have it. Then I realize what's going on. You would think I would learn.
~I have learned this week that by paying cash for everything, I really watch what I spend. I used to always just use my debit card, but it really didn't feel like I was spending money. Actually seeing the money pass through my hands makes a huge difference in what I buy.
~This is my 999 post.
~I got asked out on a date. A very sweet guy from work asked me out last week. When he first asked me I thought he was just wanting to hang out some time after work. The more he talked the more I realized that it wasn't just as friends. The next day I went to his office to talk to him. It was very obvious that he did not get the memo that I was gay. But he took it very well and said that he would still love to take me to dinner one night. He said he just really likes being around me and wants to sit down sometime and just talk with me. I was so relieved that he took it well and is still willing to be my friend. He really is a sweet guy and I would have been sad if things had become uncomfortable between us.
~I really want to move North. The more I think about it the more I really want to get out of Kansas City. I am going to sit down in the next few weeks and come up with a 3 year plan. I think if I write out a plan it will be harder for me to ignore.
~I need to remember that Sunday afternoon naps really mess up my sleep. Last night I laid awake until 1:15am trying to fall asleep. Usually if I put Ben under the covers and just pet him I will be out in a few seconds, but not last night. I woke up around 2:30am and couldn't tell if I had been asleep or not, but then I remembered part of my dream and was relieved that I had fallen asleep. Sophie got me up at 6:30 to go outside. As I waited for her to finish her business I tried to come up an excuse to not go to work. I hate lying, so I decided I would feel guilty all day if I did call in, so I just got up and went to work.
~I always forget that when I get my period I get horrible headaches. So once a month I walk around with a bad headache and wonder why I have it. Then I realize what's going on. You would think I would learn.
~I have learned this week that by paying cash for everything, I really watch what I spend. I used to always just use my debit card, but it really didn't feel like I was spending money. Actually seeing the money pass through my hands makes a huge difference in what I buy.
~This is my 999 post.
Sunday, January 06, 2008
Me
I have been going through my old pictures and adding them to my Flickr account. These are some of my favorite. I have about 50o to scan and add to Flickr, so it's going to take a while to get them all uploaded. I do find it amazing that my Mother let me take so many of these pictures when I moved out. I am thankful to have so many pictures from my childhood.
I love this shot. You can see that I have already lost one front tooth and I guess I am trying to get the other one out as well.
I am sitting on a fire truck in this picture. I used to hate this picture, but now it's one of my favorites. I love how my hair is in braids. And don't you just love my outfit? So 70's.
My parents had a cabin at a lake. Our cabin had no heat, no a/c and it was literally on the water. They would go out a couple times during the winter to check on things and I used to always love to go and ice skate. The lake always seemed so small when it was frozen.
Snow, cold and winter= Happy Caroline
As you would have guessed, I loved visiting my Grandma (who lived in Northern MN) during the winter. I remember when this picture was taken. My Dad and I were using our snowshoes and were just walking all over. See how happy I am?
Here's a picture of my brother and I. Here I am checking out my belly.
And here is proof that I also love the beach and sun. (just not year round).
After looking at these pictures it's so obvious that I am happiest when I am around snow. Yea, I think it's time to start looking at moving again.
I love this shot. You can see that I have already lost one front tooth and I guess I am trying to get the other one out as well.
I am sitting on a fire truck in this picture. I used to hate this picture, but now it's one of my favorites. I love how my hair is in braids. And don't you just love my outfit? So 70's.
My parents had a cabin at a lake. Our cabin had no heat, no a/c and it was literally on the water. They would go out a couple times during the winter to check on things and I used to always love to go and ice skate. The lake always seemed so small when it was frozen.
Snow, cold and winter= Happy Caroline
As you would have guessed, I loved visiting my Grandma (who lived in Northern MN) during the winter. I remember when this picture was taken. My Dad and I were using our snowshoes and were just walking all over. See how happy I am?
Here's a picture of my brother and I. Here I am checking out my belly.
And here is proof that I also love the beach and sun. (just not year round).After looking at these pictures it's so obvious that I am happiest when I am around snow. Yea, I think it's time to start looking at moving again.
Frozen Dreams
It seems that winter has taken a vacation, at least from Kansas City. Yesterday it was close to 60 and today it will be in the high 50s. All day long it seemed like spring and I just didn't like it. I want winter to return!!! The snow that has been on the ground since the beginning of December is all but gone. I am not ready for spring. I read a blog from a couple that had a dream of moving to Dawson (not sure where it is, but I think it's somewhere in Canada????) and build a small house. I stole this picture from their blog of their oh so cute house:
Yes, this would be my dream house as well. I would move here in a heartbeat. I love how there are no cars in front of the house just a bike and a snowmobile. Yes I may be a little crazy, but this would indeed be my dream house. I've already decided that since moving North is one of my dreams that I've had for most of my life, I am going to work hard at making that dream come true. It will mean taking care of things here in KC and then start the process of moving. Maybe when I am ready to move I will have found someone I can share my life with that also loves snow/winter as much as I do.
So last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. It was such a real dream and I loved the feeling of being pregnant. I have always wanted kids, but I think in the last 4 years I felt like I had to give up that dream. This dream really has me thinking about what I want. All I know is I was so excited in this dream and I felt really good.
So, I guess what I need to do is find someone that I am totally in love with (who is also in love with me) who would love to move up to a frozen tundra and possibly raise a family with me.
Yes, this would be my dream house as well. I would move here in a heartbeat. I love how there are no cars in front of the house just a bike and a snowmobile. Yes I may be a little crazy, but this would indeed be my dream house. I've already decided that since moving North is one of my dreams that I've had for most of my life, I am going to work hard at making that dream come true. It will mean taking care of things here in KC and then start the process of moving. Maybe when I am ready to move I will have found someone I can share my life with that also loves snow/winter as much as I do.So last night I had a dream that I was pregnant. It was such a real dream and I loved the feeling of being pregnant. I have always wanted kids, but I think in the last 4 years I felt like I had to give up that dream. This dream really has me thinking about what I want. All I know is I was so excited in this dream and I felt really good.
So, I guess what I need to do is find someone that I am totally in love with (who is also in love with me) who would love to move up to a frozen tundra and possibly raise a family with me.
Saturday, January 05, 2008
Sophie Talking
I know from the pictures I share of Sophie, she seems like a very sweet and calm dog. 90% of the time she is, but here is a gimpse of how she is the other 10% of the time. And just an FYI....she is like this every time something moved in the backyard; even if it is just a leaf.
P.S. Not sure what's up with my voice. It sounds really deep in the video.
Small Space
This morning I went and turned in my application for the studio apartment I want to move into. It was the first time I had seen the inside of the apartment and boy is it small. I will have to sell my couch since it won't fit in there. And the bedroom area will probably be cramped as well since I have a Queen size bed. In March I should look like this picture below:
But you know what, it's OK. I have a lot of work to do between now and March because I need to really downsize all the "stuff" I have. And it's probably good that I didn't go out and spend a lot of money on a Christmas tree because there just wouldn't be room. My little 2ft tree will be perfect for next year. I know Sophie is going to love it since she will be able to lay on the bed all day and still be near me. This apartment complex also has a workout room that is open 24 hours a day. It will be great to start exercising again. The complex is filled with huge trees and it will be a great place to walk Sophie.
So now I just wait until Wednesday to see if I am approved. I am pretty sure they will approve me and I promised myself I am not going to worry about it.
But you know what, it's OK. I have a lot of work to do between now and March because I need to really downsize all the "stuff" I have. And it's probably good that I didn't go out and spend a lot of money on a Christmas tree because there just wouldn't be room. My little 2ft tree will be perfect for next year. I know Sophie is going to love it since she will be able to lay on the bed all day and still be near me. This apartment complex also has a workout room that is open 24 hours a day. It will be great to start exercising again. The complex is filled with huge trees and it will be a great place to walk Sophie.So now I just wait until Wednesday to see if I am approved. I am pretty sure they will approve me and I promised myself I am not going to worry about it.
Friday, January 04, 2008
Talking Dogs
I don't know about people that have pets, but I always understand everything Sophie and the cats are saying to me. :)
P.S. The last dog really reminds me of Lynilu's Ali.
$5 Changes A Lot
On my way home tonight I stopped at McDonalds to get something to eat and something interesting happened.
I normally just go through the drive-thru, but for some reason decided to go inside. As I was waiting for my order a woman walked up and placed her order. As she went to pay she was digging through her purse to try to come up with the $1.96. She then stepped over next to me and we made eye contact. She kind of smiled at me and then started asking me if I knew how much the cookies were. I told her that I thought they were 3 for a dollar. She then asked me if I knew how much just one would be. I had decided to give her a dollar so she could get the cookies. As I got the dollar out of my wallet she smiled and said she has just fallen on hard times. The way she said it I knew it was true and that it was hard for her to ask a stranger for money. I then put the dollar back and pulled out a $5. As I handed it to her it was like she didn't know what to say. She took it and thanked me and again said how she had just fallen on hard times.
There was a reason I ran into this woman tonight.
I have a lot to be grateful for in my life. Things are bad (well, really bad), but things could always be worse. Seeing this woman struggle to come up with enough money for a couple cheeseburgers put everything in perspective for me.
I would also like to thank each of you for the many emails and very touching comments. It's a wonderful feeling to know that there are so many out there that are on my side and care so much about me. I heart each of you.
I normally just go through the drive-thru, but for some reason decided to go inside. As I was waiting for my order a woman walked up and placed her order. As she went to pay she was digging through her purse to try to come up with the $1.96. She then stepped over next to me and we made eye contact. She kind of smiled at me and then started asking me if I knew how much the cookies were. I told her that I thought they were 3 for a dollar. She then asked me if I knew how much just one would be. I had decided to give her a dollar so she could get the cookies. As I got the dollar out of my wallet she smiled and said she has just fallen on hard times. The way she said it I knew it was true and that it was hard for her to ask a stranger for money. I then put the dollar back and pulled out a $5. As I handed it to her it was like she didn't know what to say. She took it and thanked me and again said how she had just fallen on hard times.
There was a reason I ran into this woman tonight.
I have a lot to be grateful for in my life. Things are bad (well, really bad), but things could always be worse. Seeing this woman struggle to come up with enough money for a couple cheeseburgers put everything in perspective for me.
I would also like to thank each of you for the many emails and very touching comments. It's a wonderful feeling to know that there are so many out there that are on my side and care so much about me. I heart each of you.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Prayer Request
I have been working hard at not letting fear run my life. I strongly believe that my attitude has a lot to do with what happens in my life. By putting out all this fear and doubt I feel that sometimes I am just setting myself up to fail. I think overall I have done pretty well with things, but tonight I am afraid. I am really afraid.
My biggest fear is that I will end up on the streets. I know that this fear is something that would probably never happen, but when you are facing losing your home a lot of things go through your mind. And what I think would be worse then being on the streets would be not being able to keep Sophie, Ben or Bonk. There are so many times I sit here and look at them and I feel like I have let them down.
My life used to be so stable. I was able to pay all my bills and money was not an issue. Now I am sitting here with a job that I am making more then I ever have and I can't seem to make ends meet. It doesn't make sense.
This afternoon I called a Bankruptcy lawyer and I have an appointment on the 18th. I want to see what my options even though I pretty much know what I need to do. Admitting that you are in over your head is a very hard thing to do. I am hoping to do a Chapter 13 because I really do want to pay these debts off instead of just wiping them away.
Each morning when I get up I have to tell myself that it will be all be OK. It's weird how some days I feel like I can conquer anything and then there are nights like this where I feel like I am in such a mess I will never find my way out.
When you add the stress from my financial problems and my work stress I end up feeling like I have failed so many people; most importantly myself.
I am fairly close with one of the nurses at our facility. She is very religious and I am just fascinated by some of the things she says. When I first started she kind of freaked me out and I avoided her. But slowly she has grown on me and I often times find myself going to her office for just a break from the other chaos. Today I shared with her about my house and asked her to just say a prayer for me. She then immediately started praying out loud for me (see, I told you she was religious). It was a very sincere prayer for things to work out and for me to be OK and to know that I am loved.
So I am going to ask all of you a favor. Whomever you pray to, please take a second and say a prayer for me. Pray that I will be OK and that I will not be so afraid in this whole process. Pray that I will have some guidance in all of this and make the right decisions and choices. I have a long and emotional process to go through and I know some extra prayers will help.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
My biggest fear is that I will end up on the streets. I know that this fear is something that would probably never happen, but when you are facing losing your home a lot of things go through your mind. And what I think would be worse then being on the streets would be not being able to keep Sophie, Ben or Bonk. There are so many times I sit here and look at them and I feel like I have let them down.
My life used to be so stable. I was able to pay all my bills and money was not an issue. Now I am sitting here with a job that I am making more then I ever have and I can't seem to make ends meet. It doesn't make sense.
This afternoon I called a Bankruptcy lawyer and I have an appointment on the 18th. I want to see what my options even though I pretty much know what I need to do. Admitting that you are in over your head is a very hard thing to do. I am hoping to do a Chapter 13 because I really do want to pay these debts off instead of just wiping them away.
Each morning when I get up I have to tell myself that it will be all be OK. It's weird how some days I feel like I can conquer anything and then there are nights like this where I feel like I am in such a mess I will never find my way out.
When you add the stress from my financial problems and my work stress I end up feeling like I have failed so many people; most importantly myself.
I am fairly close with one of the nurses at our facility. She is very religious and I am just fascinated by some of the things she says. When I first started she kind of freaked me out and I avoided her. But slowly she has grown on me and I often times find myself going to her office for just a break from the other chaos. Today I shared with her about my house and asked her to just say a prayer for me. She then immediately started praying out loud for me (see, I told you she was religious). It was a very sincere prayer for things to work out and for me to be OK and to know that I am loved.
So I am going to ask all of you a favor. Whomever you pray to, please take a second and say a prayer for me. Pray that I will be OK and that I will not be so afraid in this whole process. Pray that I will have some guidance in all of this and make the right decisions and choices. I have a long and emotional process to go through and I know some extra prayers will help.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
Ten Years
Brrrrrrr!! It sure is cold here in Kansas City. I know I have said that I love the cold weather and I really do, but it's even cold for me. This morning as I was driving to work it was only 6 degrees. And I think the high was only 23.
So, let me share with you what's been going on since New Years Eve...
I realized on Monday that I will be losing my house in about three months.
I think I am angry at this fact. I have lived in this house for ten years. When I was just 24 I was able to purchase a house. Not too many 24 year old can say that. Even when I went through a nasty divorce, I was able to hold onto the house. But it seems that I will indeed lose this house.
I know I am young and I have a lot of time to recover from this mess. There are a lot of success people that have been in similar situations and they came out of them even stronger. I feel like I have already learned so much from this situation and I know there is a lot more to learn.
So, sixty days from today I should be moving out of the house for good. I am beyond excited to move out, but also kind of afraid of all that needs to happen in the next two months. I used to get depressed when I would think of moving from a house to an apartment, but it actually seems like a relief now. I will be going from 1300 square feet to just under 500. I plan on getting just a studio apartment, so it will be close quarters for me and the pets. I picture a very warm and cozy apartment.
My best friend sent me an email today that simply said:
REMEMBER: Love doesn't try to see through others, but to see others through!
So, let me share with you what's been going on since New Years Eve...
I realized on Monday that I will be losing my house in about three months.
I think I am angry at this fact. I have lived in this house for ten years. When I was just 24 I was able to purchase a house. Not too many 24 year old can say that. Even when I went through a nasty divorce, I was able to hold onto the house. But it seems that I will indeed lose this house.
I know I am young and I have a lot of time to recover from this mess. There are a lot of success people that have been in similar situations and they came out of them even stronger. I feel like I have already learned so much from this situation and I know there is a lot more to learn.
So, sixty days from today I should be moving out of the house for good. I am beyond excited to move out, but also kind of afraid of all that needs to happen in the next two months. I used to get depressed when I would think of moving from a house to an apartment, but it actually seems like a relief now. I will be going from 1300 square feet to just under 500. I plan on getting just a studio apartment, so it will be close quarters for me and the pets. I picture a very warm and cozy apartment.
My best friend sent me an email today that simply said:
REMEMBER: Love doesn't try to see through others, but to see others through!
I have lots of love in my life. With all this love, I can overcome anything.
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Through My Eyes
Happy New Year!!
It's amazing what 8 hours of sleep can do to your attitude. I am feeling a little better this morning and I think I even feel a little optimistic.
The situation with Laura is something I was expecting for a while. I thought I was prepared, but when it actually happened I realized I was not ready. And for all of this to happen while at the dentist office; it just really seemed like a bad nightmare. I am so thankful that Lynilu was there when I called. She always seems to know what to say to calm me down and make me see that somehow it will all work out. Thank you for being my friend Lynilu.
One of resolutions for 2008 is to not talk about Laura anymore, to my friends or on my blog. I told her yesterday that I never wanted to talk to her and I feel that I just need to let her go completely. And I feel that by talking about her I am not allowing me to let her go. The only choice I have with the financial situation she has left me in is to just keep on keeping on. So with that I must say, goodbye Laura.
I took more pictures this past year then I have my entire life. When I go back and look my pictures from this past year, some make me sad while others make me very proud. When I think back to everything I have overcome, I am often amazed at my own strength.
So, if you want to see how 2007 looked through my eyes Click here
It's amazing what 8 hours of sleep can do to your attitude. I am feeling a little better this morning and I think I even feel a little optimistic.
The situation with Laura is something I was expecting for a while. I thought I was prepared, but when it actually happened I realized I was not ready. And for all of this to happen while at the dentist office; it just really seemed like a bad nightmare. I am so thankful that Lynilu was there when I called. She always seems to know what to say to calm me down and make me see that somehow it will all work out. Thank you for being my friend Lynilu.
One of resolutions for 2008 is to not talk about Laura anymore, to my friends or on my blog. I told her yesterday that I never wanted to talk to her and I feel that I just need to let her go completely. And I feel that by talking about her I am not allowing me to let her go. The only choice I have with the financial situation she has left me in is to just keep on keeping on. So with that I must say, goodbye Laura.
I took more pictures this past year then I have my entire life. When I go back and look my pictures from this past year, some make me sad while others make me very proud. When I think back to everything I have overcome, I am often amazed at my own strength.
So, if you want to see how 2007 looked through my eyes Click here
Monday, December 31, 2007
New Year Same Stuff
Well, today was not the way I thought 2007 would end. And I thought things couldn't get any worse? I was wrong.
I spent 4 hours at the dentist today and still have a bunch of work that needs to be done, including a root canal. My mouth is so sore tonight and I think it's because it took 7 shots to get my mouth numb enough for them to work on it.
While at the dentist office my phone rang probably 10 times. There were calls from my boss, my techs and Laura. My boss was calling because one of our vans was stolen over the weekend and we are trying to figure out who drove it last. Some of my techs were calling because they weren't sure what tomorrow's schedule is.
Then there were the calls from Laura. I am still trying to process what she said to me in her 4 voice mails, but let's just say they were not the most pleasant. In fact, I think only my parents have said things that were as hateful and cruel as what Laura said to me. Before Laura left those messages I told her that I never wanted to speak to her again. She has screwed me again and this time it will cost me almost everything I have. I won't put all the blame on her, but a good portion is her fault. I don't know how she sleeps at night.
So in less then 7 hours a new year will be here. I wish I could say I was excited about it, but right now it just looks like a new year with the same old stuff. Maybe a miracle will happen and I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be OK.
I spent 4 hours at the dentist today and still have a bunch of work that needs to be done, including a root canal. My mouth is so sore tonight and I think it's because it took 7 shots to get my mouth numb enough for them to work on it.
While at the dentist office my phone rang probably 10 times. There were calls from my boss, my techs and Laura. My boss was calling because one of our vans was stolen over the weekend and we are trying to figure out who drove it last. Some of my techs were calling because they weren't sure what tomorrow's schedule is.
Then there were the calls from Laura. I am still trying to process what she said to me in her 4 voice mails, but let's just say they were not the most pleasant. In fact, I think only my parents have said things that were as hateful and cruel as what Laura said to me. Before Laura left those messages I told her that I never wanted to speak to her again. She has screwed me again and this time it will cost me almost everything I have. I won't put all the blame on her, but a good portion is her fault. I don't know how she sleeps at night.
So in less then 7 hours a new year will be here. I wish I could say I was excited about it, but right now it just looks like a new year with the same old stuff. Maybe a miracle will happen and I will wake up tomorrow and everything will be OK.
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Your Wish
Before I go into my wishes for the New Year, I want to hear from you guys.If you could see one thing happen to me in 2008 , it would be ____________________.
Rusty
Well, I have had Rusty for 5 days now and it looks like he may be staying here for a couple more days. Turns out Rusty's Dad (who I work with) got sick the first night Rusty was here and they ended up not leaving town until Friday. I really don't mind Rusty staying longer. He is doing so much better this time. He knows that when he comes in from outside that he needs to wait until I get the leash on. I tried letting him be in the house with no leash, but he is still chasing the cats. The first few nights Rusty did really good in the kennel. Then Friday night he cried for most of the night. Turns out Sophie was laying with her nose right next to the kennel door. Rusty has some chew toys that Sophie really wanted. I am sure Sophie just staring at him was making him really uncomfortable. Here are some pics from this week.
As you can see Rusty loves to jump and boy can he jump high.
As you can see Rusty loves to jump and boy can he jump high. Saturday, December 29, 2007
Progress Made
Well, so much for my vacation. My new weekend supervisor was admitted to the hospital for pneumonia and I have to go in for a couple hours tonight. I hate that she is so sick, but I also hate the fact that I have to go in tonight. **Update** I called one of my overnight techs and she is going to work this evening instead of overnight. Whew...my vacation has been saved.
About an hour ago R sent me a txt message wishing me a merry Christmas. She then asked if she could call me. I really didn't want to talk to her, but I was curious as to what she wanted to say to me. It was the same crap as before saying she was sorry...blah, blah, blah. Then in the middle of the conversation she asked if she could call me back. I am so proud of myself because I told her no she could not call me again. I told her that I deserved to be treated better and that I was not going to put up with anymore of her drama. She was upset and hung up on me.
Just this morning I was wondering what kind of progress I have made this year in regards to how I feel about myself. For ten months I have been needing to realize that it's better to be single then to be with someone that treats me badly. For the first time in ten months I am single and not at all lonely.
OK, I gotta go take a shower so I can go into work.
About an hour ago R sent me a txt message wishing me a merry Christmas. She then asked if she could call me. I really didn't want to talk to her, but I was curious as to what she wanted to say to me. It was the same crap as before saying she was sorry...blah, blah, blah. Then in the middle of the conversation she asked if she could call me back. I am so proud of myself because I told her no she could not call me again. I told her that I deserved to be treated better and that I was not going to put up with anymore of her drama. She was upset and hung up on me.
Just this morning I was wondering what kind of progress I have made this year in regards to how I feel about myself. For ten months I have been needing to realize that it's better to be single then to be with someone that treats me badly. For the first time in ten months I am single and not at all lonely.
OK, I gotta go take a shower so I can go into work.
Friday, December 28, 2007
Ahhhhh
I have never known a time when I have needed a vacation like I do right now. I have had days off here and there, but it was usually because I was moving. So, this is my first true vacation all year. And the great thing is, I don't have anything planned. I have a gift certificate to my favorite Mexican restaurant and I think that will be the perfect New Years Eve dinner.
This morning I met with my weekend tech supervisor. She has worked a couple weekends now and I was just following up with how things are going. She gave me a whole list of complaints the techs had. My favorite complaint was that they didn't get a Christmas card from me. It doesn't matter that I spent 3 hours last weekend making homemade sugar cookies with frosting and sprinkles, they just really wanted a card from me. So, since my boss did not give me a Christmas card maybe I should go to the President of our agency and say something. Yea, I bet that would go over well.
I then had my managers meeting. I used to hate meetings (well, some I still hate), but I love my managers meeting every Friday. Today we spent 45 minutes taking care of business and then the last hour we talked about all the crazy fads we have survived. Next week our project for the meeting is finding the most embarrassing picture from when we were teenagers. I think the one that I am going to use is the one where I am wearing my stirrup pants, long sweater and Converse shoes. Oh, and really puffy hair.
I hope each of you have a great weekend.
This morning I met with my weekend tech supervisor. She has worked a couple weekends now and I was just following up with how things are going. She gave me a whole list of complaints the techs had. My favorite complaint was that they didn't get a Christmas card from me. It doesn't matter that I spent 3 hours last weekend making homemade sugar cookies with frosting and sprinkles, they just really wanted a card from me. So, since my boss did not give me a Christmas card maybe I should go to the President of our agency and say something. Yea, I bet that would go over well.
I then had my managers meeting. I used to hate meetings (well, some I still hate), but I love my managers meeting every Friday. Today we spent 45 minutes taking care of business and then the last hour we talked about all the crazy fads we have survived. Next week our project for the meeting is finding the most embarrassing picture from when we were teenagers. I think the one that I am going to use is the one where I am wearing my stirrup pants, long sweater and Converse shoes. Oh, and really puffy hair.
I hope each of you have a great weekend.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
Getting My Snow
I tried really hard last night to get out of my funk and I think it worked. This morning when I woke up I was hoping that it would be quiet and calm at work. Several of my techs helped it to be a crazy day. Sometimes I feel like it's a constant battle and some days it's hard to see that it will get any better. I have a four day weekend coming up and I think I might just turn my phone off completely. My plan for these 4 days is very simple: n.o.t.h.i.n.g. I can't wait.
Thank you for the kind words from my previous post. I have several people in my life that are having a hard time letting go of people that are not good for them. I just wish I could find my magic wand to help take away their pain. As much as I would love to take away their pain, I know there is very little I can do. So, I will continue to be their friend and be there when they need to talk.
God certainly heard my prayers when I wished for a snowy winter. It pretty much has been snowing off and on for a week now. I love every minute of it. We are suppose to get about 5 inches tonight and tomorrow. My co-workers are mad at me since I have been wishing for snow since August. Hey, if God only answers my prayer of snow then I will be very happy.
A year ago this month I wrote my 500th post. It took me over a year to write those 500 posts. Well, I am 16 posts away from my 1,000th. I can't believe that in a year I have written 500 posts. I guess a really bad break-up, financial ruin, another kind of nasty break-up (MG and the whole police thing), getting a new job, having to find a new home for one pet, putting another beloved pet to sleep, making my blog private, then public, then changing my blogging identity all together and the craziness of dating is great for blogging. So, be sure to check back in the next week or so for that special post.
Thank you for the kind words from my previous post. I have several people in my life that are having a hard time letting go of people that are not good for them. I just wish I could find my magic wand to help take away their pain. As much as I would love to take away their pain, I know there is very little I can do. So, I will continue to be their friend and be there when they need to talk.
God certainly heard my prayers when I wished for a snowy winter. It pretty much has been snowing off and on for a week now. I love every minute of it. We are suppose to get about 5 inches tonight and tomorrow. My co-workers are mad at me since I have been wishing for snow since August. Hey, if God only answers my prayer of snow then I will be very happy.
A year ago this month I wrote my 500th post. It took me over a year to write those 500 posts. Well, I am 16 posts away from my 1,000th. I can't believe that in a year I have written 500 posts. I guess a really bad break-up, financial ruin, another kind of nasty break-up (MG and the whole police thing), getting a new job, having to find a new home for one pet, putting another beloved pet to sleep, making my blog private, then public, then changing my blogging identity all together and the craziness of dating is great for blogging. So, be sure to check back in the next week or so for that special post.
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
Ugh...
I am in a horrible mood today. I am tired and I have a headache.While I try to get over my bad mood, I have a question for you guys. Why do so many wonderful people allow others to treat them like shit??? I just don't get it sometimes.
*The above picture is one of my favorites of Brady and Sophie. They used to argue like an old married couple.
Tuesday, December 25, 2007
I Am Loved
It has been a Christmas that I will never forget.
Last night I had my best friend come over to the house and we exchanged gifts. She made me this spinach casserole that my Mom used to always make. I was so touched that she would make this for me, but she has no idea how much the gift really means to me. Even though my family never really celebrated Christmas, we always got together on this day. So, having my Mom's spinach casserole to enjoy today helps me remember all the good times I had with my family. We spent rest of the evening just laughing and enjoying each others company. It was so nice not spending Christmas Eve by myself; although I really think if I was by myself it would have been OK too.
When I woke up this morning I was feeling sorry for myself. Here it was Christmas morning and I had no tree, no one here with me and no presents to open. I know Christmas it not about the gifts we receive, but they are nice when you have them. I tried to pull myself out of my funk while I was getting ready to join L and her family for brunch. It was about a 30 minute drive and I cried most of the way. When I got close to the house I told myself that it was all OK and I worked hard at changing my attitude.
As I pulled up to L's parents house she was standing in the drive-way waving to me. As we walked in the house her entire family came to the door to welcome me. I got more hugs then I have received in the last month combined. The best hug? Yea, that would be L's one year old nephew. What a cutie he is. I could have easily taken him home with me. I never walked into a home where I didn't know most of the people and feel so welcomed and loved. As I mentioned before, L's Dad was my history teacher in high school. I think at first he wasn't too sure what to say to me, but once he had his second Mimosa (orange juice & Vodka) he was more relaxed. Brunch was delicious and I loved how they included me in all the conversations. Usually it's hard to make conversation with people I don't know, but it seemed very easy today.
After brunch we moved to the living room for them to open presents. I debated about leaving, but they insisted that I stay. As they handed out the presents I was surprised to see a present in front of me. Yes, they even included me in the gift giving. I feel bad because I was not expecting this and I did not bring anything.
The kindness I felt today was exactly what I needed. Christmas is not about the material things we receive, but it's about the people we spend that day with.
When I got home I received a call from my best friend who just wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas and to remind me that I am so loved. That phone call was the perfect way to end this day.
Now Sophie and I are hosting Rusty for a couple days. I picked him up on the way home and when I brought him in the house, I think Sophie thought she had got a puppy for Christmas. It really was cute.
I hope each of you had a wonderful day and in case you haven't been told today:
You are loved.
Last night I had my best friend come over to the house and we exchanged gifts. She made me this spinach casserole that my Mom used to always make. I was so touched that she would make this for me, but she has no idea how much the gift really means to me. Even though my family never really celebrated Christmas, we always got together on this day. So, having my Mom's spinach casserole to enjoy today helps me remember all the good times I had with my family. We spent rest of the evening just laughing and enjoying each others company. It was so nice not spending Christmas Eve by myself; although I really think if I was by myself it would have been OK too.
When I woke up this morning I was feeling sorry for myself. Here it was Christmas morning and I had no tree, no one here with me and no presents to open. I know Christmas it not about the gifts we receive, but they are nice when you have them. I tried to pull myself out of my funk while I was getting ready to join L and her family for brunch. It was about a 30 minute drive and I cried most of the way. When I got close to the house I told myself that it was all OK and I worked hard at changing my attitude.
As I pulled up to L's parents house she was standing in the drive-way waving to me. As we walked in the house her entire family came to the door to welcome me. I got more hugs then I have received in the last month combined. The best hug? Yea, that would be L's one year old nephew. What a cutie he is. I could have easily taken him home with me. I never walked into a home where I didn't know most of the people and feel so welcomed and loved. As I mentioned before, L's Dad was my history teacher in high school. I think at first he wasn't too sure what to say to me, but once he had his second Mimosa (orange juice & Vodka) he was more relaxed. Brunch was delicious and I loved how they included me in all the conversations. Usually it's hard to make conversation with people I don't know, but it seemed very easy today.
After brunch we moved to the living room for them to open presents. I debated about leaving, but they insisted that I stay. As they handed out the presents I was surprised to see a present in front of me. Yes, they even included me in the gift giving. I feel bad because I was not expecting this and I did not bring anything.
The kindness I felt today was exactly what I needed. Christmas is not about the material things we receive, but it's about the people we spend that day with.
When I got home I received a call from my best friend who just wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas and to remind me that I am so loved. That phone call was the perfect way to end this day.
Now Sophie and I are hosting Rusty for a couple days. I picked him up on the way home and when I brought him in the house, I think Sophie thought she had got a puppy for Christmas. It really was cute.
I hope each of you had a wonderful day and in case you haven't been told today:
You are loved.
Monday, December 24, 2007
Merry Christmas!!!
Here is a song for those that are ready for Christmas to be over. I personally am kind of sad that when I go back to work on Wednesday there will be no more Christmas songs on the radio. The world doesn't seem so scary when there is x-mas music in the background.
I hope each of you have a very Merry Christmas and I hope Santa brings you exactly what you have been wanting.
Peace.
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