Sunday, January 13, 2008

The Truth....Part I

I may regret this post, but for right now I feel like sharing.

Well, this is certainly harder then I thought it was going to be. I have literally sat here for 20 minutes trying to figure out how to say what I need to say.

I go through my day trying to have a positive attitude about how things are. I tell myself that things will be OK and that it will all work out, but then I look down at my left arm and see the scars and I wonder if I will ever be OK. I wonder if I will ever not see the scars?

This past spring I took out my sadness, anger and fear out on my own body and in the end myself. Instead of comforting myself and reassuring myself that none of what happened was my fault, I treated my body like it was the reason all of this was happening. I get so sad when I think of how I treated myself then; and even today.

Not too many people understand why people would cut themselves. As a social worker with a masters degree, I don't think I completely understand either. I think part of it for me is; the emotional pain is just too great for me to handle that I need an outlet somewhere. The weird thing for me is the fact that this did not start when it starts for most people. Most people will start cutting when they are a teenager, but for me it started when I was an adult.

When I started my job I was worried what I would say if someone asked me what the scars were from. During the summer I would notice people looking at them, but no one asked me. I am thankful that no one has asked me because I really don't know what I would say. I could lie about it, but I am horrible at lying and I am sure they would see right through it.

The last time I cut was in October when MG told me after one week to get out of her house and life.

Damaged goods: yea that is how I feel most of the time. Sometimes I feel so disposable to other people. It seems so easy for people to just let me go and not think anything about it. I wonder if my past will be too much for someone to handle. And why in the hell is it so easy for people to just turn away from me? It doesn't seem fair; not at all.

So why share all of this tonight? Well, for the first time since October I was really upset and wanted to cut. I decided to write tonight instead of doing something that would not help at all. I have not been a good friend to so many people in the last year and I am really upset at myself for letting so many people down. I have been horrible at returning emails, phone calls, etc. I know that I have hurt others along the way and all I can say is I am sorry. I hope one day those that I have hurt (or let down) will find it in their hearts to forgive me.

I grew up in a family where we were not taught to be honest, so I have no idea where my honesty comes from. It's almost like I have enough honesty for my entire family. Even when I try to lie, I never get away with it. I usually end up telling on myself because I feel so guilty.

I don't think I have ever lied on this blog and have been very honest. But I think I am very cautious when I do share because I am afraid of what others will think of me, etc.

I have found that asking for help is extremely hard for me. Really hard. I feel that others will look at me as a failure if I do ask for help. But I think it's time for me to be honest about the fact that I can not do this by myself. I just hope that I have not lost too many readers/friends by sharing what I have tonight. But I think that is a risk I need to take because honestly...I can't handle all these secrets and shame on my own anymore.

.....to be continued

13 comments:

Fern said...

I am so tired so I won't be able to form a response properly, but I think anyone who cannot accept you for who YOU are -- which is to say, your past is not who you are -- is not worth your time.

Your past is where you've been. It should be interesting to the right person/people, because they care about you and what makes you tick. But that's separate from who you really are.

And I barely know you but you show yourself through your writing to be exceptional. Really. Your parents are nuts and they are probably hurting so much because their fear of going against the church forces them to be apart from you. I have to think that your relationship will be repaired, if not in this life, than in the next when the veil is lifted from their eyes, you know?

You are normal. You are exceptional in the way you've handled some astounding things. You're not a failure, and you haven't let anyone down -- if people can't understand you being distracted this year, what kind of friends are they?

wickster44 said...

We all need outlets, and my hope for you is that you continue to choose writing over cutting. My niece in Germany was cutting herself last summer and I had the chance to learn more about it - you defined the reason perfectly. The thing is, now that you know the reasons, it is up to you to find healthier ways to get through the sucky parts.
Hang in there. Thinking about you.

yankeegirl said...

(((hugs)))

traci said...

Oh honey, it doesn't matter how many 'degrees' you have. You are still a human being with all the feelings that go along with being human.

I used to cut myself too. It's been years since I put that behind me and yet, last fall, after terminating my relationship with my long time therapist, I felt such a strong urge to cut. It was almost impossible not to do it.

I made it through by doing exactly what you did tonight. I wrote it out and sent it to someone I know cares about me.

You did good work tonight Caroline. I'm so proud of you. I'm not sure that will make a difference to you...I wanted you to know anyway.

Peace.

KelleBelle said...

Caroline, as someone who struggled with this too, I felt this was the secret you spoke of so many times. I just knew your pain too well. I haven't cut since July 2002. It's hard sometimes, but please continue to use your writing as an outlet. Sometimes just releasing the secret is enough to keep the urges at bay. Best of luck and big hugs!!

Patti said...

Honey you don't have to hide in shame, everyone who comes here loves you and cares about your well being. I just hope you get the help you need so that you won't ever want to hurt yourself again.

Jaded Mama said...

Caroline;

I think you are a brave and amazing woman. Life has certainly hit you ahrd so it is only natural for you to find an outlet for that pain.

Hang in there and please write instead of cut!

Chelle said...

The thing that comes through most clearly to me in this post is that tonight you chose to reach out rather than turn on yourself. Keep reaching out. None of us can get through life on our own.

When the right person comes along she will accept your past for what it is - the past, and will love you for the person you are today.

Anonymous said...

Caroline..please please continue to replace the cutting with your writing. You are stong, you will get through this part of your life, and something good is bound to happen soon. From the comments, you are not alone, and your friends will always be there for support.

Ruth in Canada

Sonya said...

Please don't be ashamed of who you are. I know nothing about cutting, but I'd imagine you are not alone.

Continue to reach out. Your support network is here and will catch you when you are down. Please reach out instead of cutting.

Kerry said...

Don't stop writing. You are not a bad person, it doesn't matter what you do for a living you are hurting inside. You are a strong woman.You will get through this.I didn't cut but I used to pinch myself. I would dig my fingernails in so deep I would leave marks. I understand now I was in so much emotional pain it was the only way to deal with it. You are alone there are many people out here who are routing for you.

Audra said...

I know from personal experience what a huge step you just took in sharing that with us, your beloved readers. I was abused as a child, and instead of saying anything to anyone, I blamed myself and retreated inward and began to abuse myself. I remember it taking a lot of courage to tell anyone about it, and a lot more courage until I could actually get help for it.

((superhugs))

amy h said...

Caroline, I know you aren't alone in reacting this way to depression, and it certainly isn't something to be ashamed of. If writing and sharing is a helpful substitute, by all means keep it up! I know I'm not judging you for it, and anyone who would is the one with the problem.