I may regret this post, but for right now I feel like sharing.
Well, this is certainly harder then I thought it was going to be. I have literally sat here for 20 minutes trying to figure out how to say what I need to say.
I go through my day trying to have a positive attitude about how things are. I tell myself that things will be OK and that it will all work out, but then I look down at my left arm and see the scars and I wonder if I will ever be OK. I wonder if I will ever not see the scars?
This past spring I took out my sadness, anger and fear out on my own body and in the end myself. Instead of comforting myself and reassuring myself that none of what happened was my fault, I treated my body like it was the reason all of this was happening. I get so sad when I think of how I treated myself then; and even today.
Not too many people understand why people would cut themselves. As a social worker with a masters degree, I don't think I completely understand either. I think part of it for me is; the emotional pain is just too great for me to handle that I need an outlet somewhere. The weird thing for me is the fact that this did not start when it starts for most people. Most people will start cutting when they are a teenager, but for me it started when I was an adult.
When I started my job I was worried what I would say if someone asked me what the scars were from. During the summer I would notice people looking at them, but no one asked me. I am thankful that no one has asked me because I really don't know what I would say. I could lie about it, but I am horrible at lying and I am sure they would see right through it.
The last time I cut was in October when MG told me after one week to get out of her house and life.
Damaged goods: yea that is how I feel most of the time. Sometimes I feel so disposable to other people. It seems so easy for people to just let me go and not think anything about it. I wonder if my past will be too much for someone to handle. And why in the hell is it so easy for people to just turn away from me? It doesn't seem fair; not at all.
So why share all of this tonight? Well, for the first time since October I was really upset and wanted to cut. I decided to write tonight instead of doing something that would not help at all. I have not been a good friend to so many people in the last year and I am really upset at myself for letting so many people down. I have been horrible at returning emails, phone calls, etc. I know that I have hurt others along the way and all I can say is I am sorry. I hope one day those that I have hurt (or let down) will find it in their hearts to forgive me.
I grew up in a family where we were not taught to be honest, so I have no idea where my honesty comes from. It's almost like I have enough honesty for my entire family. Even when I try to lie, I never get away with it. I usually end up telling on myself because I feel so guilty.
I don't think I have ever lied on this blog and have been very honest. But I think I am very cautious when I do share because I am afraid of what others will think of me, etc.
I have found that asking for help is extremely hard for me. Really hard. I feel that others will look at me as a failure if I do ask for help. But I think it's time for me to be honest about the fact that I can not do this by myself. I just hope that I have not lost too many readers/friends by sharing what I have tonight. But I think that is a risk I need to take because honestly...I can't handle all these secrets and shame on my own anymore.
.....to be continued