I have been working hard at not letting fear run my life. I strongly believe that my attitude has a lot to do with what happens in my life. By putting out all this fear and doubt I feel that sometimes I am just setting myself up to fail. I think overall I have done pretty well with things, but tonight I am afraid. I am really afraid.
My biggest fear is that I will end up on the streets. I know that this fear is something that would probably never happen, but when you are facing losing your home a lot of things go through your mind. And what I think would be worse then being on the streets would be not being able to keep Sophie, Ben or Bonk. There are so many times I sit here and look at them and I feel like I have let them down.
My life used to be so stable. I was able to pay all my bills and money was not an issue. Now I am sitting here with a job that I am making more then I ever have and I can't seem to make ends meet. It doesn't make sense.
This afternoon I called a Bankruptcy lawyer and I have an appointment on the 18th. I want to see what my options even though I pretty much know what I need to do. Admitting that you are in over your head is a very hard thing to do. I am hoping to do a Chapter 13 because I really do want to pay these debts off instead of just wiping them away.
Each morning when I get up I have to tell myself that it will be all be OK. It's weird how some days I feel like I can conquer anything and then there are nights like this where I feel like I am in such a mess I will never find my way out.
When you add the stress from my financial problems and my work stress I end up feeling like I have failed so many people; most importantly myself.
I am fairly close with one of the nurses at our facility. She is very religious and I am just fascinated by some of the things she says. When I first started she kind of freaked me out and I avoided her. But slowly she has grown on me and I often times find myself going to her office for just a break from the other chaos. Today I shared with her about my house and asked her to just say a prayer for me. She then immediately started praying out loud for me (see, I told you she was religious). It was a very sincere prayer for things to work out and for me to be OK and to know that I am loved.
So I am going to ask all of you a favor. Whomever you pray to, please take a second and say a prayer for me. Pray that I will be OK and that I will not be so afraid in this whole process. Pray that I will have some guidance in all of this and make the right decisions and choices. I have a long and emotional process to go through and I know some extra prayers will help.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.