STL

Right after Laura and I broke up I dated a few women. Within a couple weeks of the break-up Laura was pushing me to date. I think she was hoping that would get my focus on to something other then the fact that she was a bitch. I think it was only 3 weeks after the break-up that I went on my first date. It was a disaster. I cried all the way there and only talked about Laura during the date. I am sure I was just a barrel of laughs that night. The lady was very nice and even said she wanted to see me again. I thought she was crazy for wanting to go out with me again and I eventually stopped answering her emails. I know...what a bitch. The second person that I dated was a woman in Oklahoma City. The first time I meet her was when I was on my home from Lynilu's. The next weekend I went down to see her. It was not the best weekend for me to be on a date and trying to impress someone. It was the weekend that Laura and I were suppose to be in Florida for our commitment ceremony. Oy, what I mess I was. Again, this woman was very nice and wanted me to come back down and visit the next weekend. I thought of a reason why I couldn't go and again eventually stopped answering her emails and phone calls. Again, what a bitch I was.

It was after that weekend that I decided to take a break because it was very obvious that I was not ready. That was probably one of my best decisions during that time. I knew that if I continued dating then I was going to end up hurting someone.

Memorial Day weekend I started dating STL. From the very beginning STL and I clicked. We had so much to talk about. In fact, there were many nights that we would talk 4-5 hours on the phone. A week after we started talking I went to St.Louis to meet her. It was one of the best weekends of my life. We had so much fun and decided that it was no coincidence that we met. We spent the next couple of weeks driving back and forth between KC and St. Louis.

Then I freaked out. I was so afraid to let myself love someone else. I knew how badly my heart had been broken and I was terrified that it was going to be hurt again. STL is one of the most loving women I know. She has a heart of gold and really just a good person.

I hurt STL. I hurt her a lot. Here she was thinking that we were planning our future and I was planning the nearest exit. It's not that I didn't want to be with STL, I was just really afraid. It was not fair to her and to this day I feel bad about it all. Even after we stopped officially seeing each other we still talked. It was STL that sent me Penelope (iPod). Penelope is one of the best gifts I have ever received. I use it every single day. STL was with me when I got my tattoo. She was the one that encouraged me and was the one that found the design. I think of her every time I look in the mirror and see my dragonfly. She has been nothing but supportive during the last 4 months.

About a month after STL and I stopped seeing each other I realized I had made a mistake. It was too late. STL was seeing someone and seemed very happy. I knew I had blown it. Here I had this great woman trying everything to get me back and to just make me happy and I couldn't let go of my fear and let her in.

When thinking back to those two women that I dated right after Laura and I broke-up I don't have any regrets. When I think back to MG and the fact that we are no longer together, I don't have any regrets. But when I think back to STL I have a lot of regrets. I would love another chance, and I hope one day I do get that chance. She would not regret it.