I am in a really good mood tonight. I wish I could bottle this good feeling for those days when I can't seem to find one good thing.
I hate to see people upset or when something bad happens to them, but for some reason today when Laura told me what happened over Thanksgiving I was kind of relieved. For so long I have been sitting here thinking that her life is perfect and she has no worries. I am sorry that her things were ruined (to find out see my earlier post from today), but damn it's about time something bad happen to someone else other then me. I am very sad that the Christmas tree was ruined. It was my first tree and I was hoping to have it for years to come. I think somehow that the next tree I get will be more meaningful.
As Laura was talking about all her challenges I reminded her of one thing. I told her that yes she has had some challenges in the last few days, but she had Sharon and her family to help her through all of it. I told her that she has no idea what it's like to truly be alone. I know I have many great friends out there that will support me no matter what, but right now the big decisions I am making are all on my own. And it's really hard to only depend on yourself. There are several women whose blogs I read that I really admire their strength to be on their own. They are so confident in themselves and I hope one day to have that same confidence. I think if I had as much confidence in myself as others do in me then I would be unstoppable. When I think about my job I sometimes wonder what they see in me. When I went in for my interview I was at the lowest point in my life, but somehow they saw something. I believe that was the beginning of me gaining some confidence. I remember telling my best friend after the interview that I walked in there like I was the best person for that job. Apparently that confidence worked because they hired me to supervise 23 unruly people when I had no supervision experience. I had Laura take my picture the morning of the interview and I sometimes go back and look at that picture to try to see the confidence. At times I can see it, but other times I see someone that looks like a deer standing in the headlights.
Often times when I read the comments from my readers about how strong I am I sometimes think you guys must be talking about someone else. How can I be strong and confident when there is rarely a day that goes by where I do not cry. But I guess I just need to have faith in what others are saying about me. And I hope you will be understanding when I have a day when my faith is less visible.
5 comments:
You ARE strong. All that you've been through and you aren't giving up. It is kind of easy to be "strong" when life sort of just rolls along, and sometimes it's just like that for people. I still maintain that you will look back on this period and be proud of yourself for hanging in there-:)
Honey I wish you could bottle that feeling for the not-so-good days also. What blessing that would be! I am sorry but I am damn glad something bad happened to Laura. Karma baby. I often wonder if I would be strong enough to be on my own. I think I am but it is scary to think about being on my own and responsible for Madison. Anyway I am SO VERY GLAD you are having a good day. Hip Hip Hooray!
Ditto what Julie said. Remember when you read other blogs that the writers may not be reflecting all their own insecurities. I know that most days I do well, but I hit days ... or weeks .. when it is tough to keep myself moving ahead. It happens to us all.
I understand loud and clear about making decisions all by yourself. That is the biggest, scariest part of being alone, I believe. But looking back, I realize that I'm doing OK. My head is still above water!!!
Oh, yes, enjoy the good feelings when they come around! You're going to be fine, Caroline. And yes, you are a strong woman. I especially notice it because I knew you "when." :)
Yay for good days!
A lot of it is smoke and mirrors. At least for me. We've talked about how I only put so little of myself out on the blog. If people really had a clue I think they may be a little shocked.
Being strong on your own and taking care of yourself can become a bit of an addiction in it's own way. Everytime you do something for yourself that you've never done before, you feel stronger, you gain confidence. And as you grow stronger, another perk is that you actually become more attractive. It's a fact, I'm pretty sure.
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