Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Taking March Back

The last couple of days I have been thinking a lot about a certain incident between me and Laura. I think part of me is thinking about it because I am shocked that I allowed someone to treat me like she did.

In the fall of 2006 we decided to get bikes. We had some really great bike trails right by our house and we thought it would be a great way for us to exercise together. The first time we decided to go to the trail we loaded up the bikes into her car and drove to the trail. When the bikes were in the car my gears must have shifted because the minute I put my feet on the pedals the chain came off. Laura was pissed. She was yelling that she couldn't believe I did that and now we would have load the bikes back up and go home because she didn't have the tools to fix the chain. As we drove home I apologized to her and she just sat there and didn't say anything to me. I remember feeling so stupid and like I had done something really bad. She didn't talk to me all the way home.

Looking back on my relationship with Laura there were many other times where she would get angry with me for stupid little things. And if I ever expressed any anger about something she did she would snap at me like I had no right to be angry or upset.

I don't know why I have been thinking about the incident with the bike lately. Maybe it's because I am in a wonderful relationship and I know S would never ever treat me like that. When I was sharing this story with S last night she was shocked that Laura would act like she did for something that was an accident.

It's funny because when I was with Laura I knew our relationship was not perfect, but I still felt like I was pretty lucky to have her. Next month will mark 2 years since we broke up and now that I have put some distance between her and the relationship we had I am seeing that it was very unhealthy. It makes me sad that my self-esteem was so low that I felt like she was the best I could do.

Thankfully I didn't give up on myself and realized that I deserved so much more (and better) then Laura.

March has always been a rough month for me because that was the month my ex-husband and I decided to divorce and that was the month where Laura and I broke up. I think it's great that I will be moving during the month of March. I feel like I am taking back the month of March and I know this March will be one that I will never forget.

8 comments:

amy h said...

Wow, I can't believe it has been two years. Things sound so much better now though.

Do take March back -- it's the start of spring. There's too much life in that month to be sad. :)

Lynilu said...

How cool that you are taking back March, and taking control of your life IN March! A great way to bring balance back to your calendar and your heart, too.

I've heard the story about Laura and the bike, but as I read it today something occurred to me for the first time. She blamed you, yet it was SHE who left the tools at home. You should always take at least basic tools with you!! As a supposedly experienced rider, she should have done so. Ergo, the fact that you couldn't ride was actually her fault! Talk about projected anger and blame!!

Sonya said...

Congrats! I can't believe it has been 2 years already!

Caroline said...

amy--things are a lot better. right now is even better then the best part of being with laura.

lynilu--i always thought it was funny that laura thought she was a lance armstrong jr. give me a f'ing break. and you are right...she is the one that loaded the bikes and she is the one that left the tools behind.

sonya--it does seem strange that it's already been two years, but also feels really good. i am so glad there is no more attachment to her. the car wreck actually helped make there be no more attachments.

Monogram Queen said...

I think you have finally shaken the Ides of March from your shoes!

Bobbie said...

I am glad you are taking march back I always love that month with the flowers and what not I am also glad your self esteem is so improved and you have found s

Manblogger641 said...

Laura sounds EXACTLY like my girlfriends Ex husband. Heck the first two letters are the same.

Jen said...

DUDE. That is EXACTLY how my ex-husband was. I would make a little mistake, or even do something wrong on accident, and he would make me feel like I was the biggest jerk, really stupid, a horrible person, etc. And because my mom is sort of the same way, I have really struggled with dealing with mistakes in a healthy way. It seems like you and I are a lot alike.

Anyway, hooray for taking back March!!!