Thursday, November 06, 2008

Picture of History

I took this picture as I was leaving work on Tuesday and loved the way it turned out. I am glad that I got a picture of the sun going down on a day that history was made.

Last night I watched Then She Found Me. It was a good movie, but probably not one of my favorites. I think it may be where I am in regards to my feelings towards my Mom. In the movie Helen Hunt's character is adopted and desperately wants to have a baby and she refuses to adopt. I can relate to that feeling. When I think about having children (if I ever do) I do not see myself adopting. I want to know what it's like to be pregnant and to have a blood connection to someone else. I want to be able to feel a baby move inside me and I want to know what it's like to give birth. I think the other thing that always made me not want to adopt was my brother. Both my brother and I are adopted and I am pretty sure that his Mother used drugs while she was pregnant. My brother has had a disastrous life and has caused many problems for our entire family. I guess I worry that I would end up with someone like my brother. That may sound harsh, but seeing what my brother did to my family (and me) really makes me dislike him...a lot. I always thought it was weird that I was adopted yet I do not see myself adopting a child.

As I was watching the movie last night I became really angry with my parents on behalf of my birth Mother. My birth Mother made the ultimate sacrifice in giving me up for adoption. I have no idea how she had the strength to do that because I don't know if I could have done what she did. I know she had hopes that my family would love me as their own daughter forever. So it makes me angry that because I am gay my family would disown me. It's almost as if they received this great gift and after 30 years decided they didn't like the way it made their family look and they just let it go and said, "You are no longer part of the family". To me that is very selfish and part of me hopes that I will never meet my birth mom because I would hate for her to know what my parents did.

This morning I went to the Dr. to get the adjustment on my Celexsa. I was happy that the Dr. did adjust my meds and also gave me something for anxiety. I didn't get what I wanted to anxiety, but I got something very similar that lasts a little longer. My blood pressure was perfect and I even lost a few pounds; which I was really surprised by. I thought for sure I had gained some weight since I had quit smoking. I was very happy with my visit today.


MJ said...

Your parents do not know what they are missing and it's unfortunate that your birth mom trusted them and they had limitations and couldn't fulfill thier role.

Lynilu said...

That is an interesting picture, a keeper.

I'm glad that the dr. appt. went well. Maybe it will be helpful in your continued cessation of smoking to know that a weight gain is not an automatic component. :)