Monday, May 05, 2008

Focus

I took this picture last week and I have no idea what I was trying to take a picture of, but this very cool picture is the result. I used to delete all pictures that were not perfect, but I have found that usually it's the ones I hadn't planned on that are the best. And I am not sure why I love this picture, but it really reminds me of my life this past year.

It seems that for the last year my life has been out of focus. I was knocked to the ground and for months and months I struggled to just get to my feet again. And even once I was back on my feet it seemed like I could not find what my focus was. And because of that lack of focus a lot of things have been put to the side and forgotten about.

On New Years Eve I went to the dentist and was told I had a lot of work that still needed to be done, but I never went back. If you have been reading my blog for more then the past year you know all the problems I had with my teeth in 2005 and 2006. Even though the dentist told me my problems were due to my smoking I refused to believe him. Now that I have quit I know he was right. I think I always felt bad going to the dentist and getting work done because I was still smoking and still doing damage to my mouth. I made myself watch a video of a woman that had oral cancer and it was so hard to watch, but something I need to. I pray that I will never smoke again. Anyway, New Years Eve was a horrible day for me and everything I was trying to avoid with Laura was right in front of me and there was no avoiding it. And it didn't help that what went down with Laura on that day happened while I was at the dentist. Note to self: NEVER schedule a dentist appointment for New Years Eve. What was I thinking? So, I put the fact that I needed dental work to the side and just tried to get out of bed every day.

So now that my life has calmed way down I have started to take care of some things that I have neglected in the last few months.

I have an appointment next Tuesday with my dentist. After talking with them I feel a lot calmer about everything and can see the light. And they were not concerned that I had not gone and got that root canal and said since I have no pain that probably means I don't need a root canal. That would be the best news ever. Seriously, it would be better then winning the lottery. Well, maybe not that good. I can't wait until all of this is done and since I have quit smoking (26 days, Yay) I know I am not continuing to do damage.

In January I wrote Laura a letter telling her how I felt about everything. Because I was so afraid of her reaction I never sent it. Well, today I got out that letter, added a few things and mailed it to her. You have no idea how good that felt. It feels good standing up for myself.

I was asked last week if I was planning on getting my Clinical license and I really couldn't come up with a good answer as to why I had not except I was afraid of failing. I thought about it over the weekend and I feel more confident then ever and know that I can do it. Since I got my masters degree I have wanted to get my clinical license, but I never felt smart enough to. It feels good at least making a plan to get my license.

Awww...today has been a good day. I feel like I have got a lot done and I am headed in the right direction and my focus is becoming more clear.

10 comments:

kat said...

in the spirit of de-lurking today, i wanted to drop by and thank you for posts like these and inviting so many of us along with you on your journey. you have such a beautiful amazing spirit, and i always leave better for having shared in just a tiny window of your day.

MJ said...

Good for you on everything...a clear sign of moving on, moving forward and moving in a better direction!

R said...

GOOD JOB!! I hate the dentist. BLah.
Okay okay, so I have my clinical license and I'm here to tell you I KNOW LOTS OF people who have failed that stupid test and retaken it and they have passed. That's the beauty, you can take it again. No worries. You can't succeed without trying :) YOu can do it. I have faith!
I wish you lived closer too!!

traci said...

YAY Caroline! You are doing such a good job!!! One thing at a time honey. One thing at a time.

Caroline said...

kat--thank you for your wonderful comment. sometimes i still find it hard that people are inspired by what i write. this ride i am on would not be the same without my readers.

mj--as i was driving home from work today the song "moving on" came on and i thought it went perfect with this post. i could have written that song

r--i am going to need to talk to you about your suggestions on what to study for the test. it really helps to get encouragement from people that have taken the test

traci--one thing about me is when i decide to do something i just do it. today happen to be one of those days where i decided to do a few things...you have no idea how good that felt

Jane said...

So many things have knocked me down to the ground over the years as well. Lately though, I find the strength,despite the crap, to get up and trust that everything good is waiting for me.

I'm glad to hear you are feeling that strength to get up, take charge of things and keep moving forward!

Patti said...

Glad you wrote AND mailed that letter. Cathartic i'm sure.

I have a dental appointment June 2nd. Not looking forward to it. Ugh.

Life goes in and out of focus all the time, we just have to sometimes adjust the way we look at things!

Caroline said...

jane--your comment reminds me of a quote i received from a friend. i will have to put that in my next post

patti--i really wish i could be a fly on the wall when L reads her letter. i think she is going to be shocked at the new and impoved caroline that has a back bone.

Sandra said...

What's involved in getting the license, I'm just curious? Is it like the bar exam of social work?

I broke up with someone in February and finally in late April I finally sent my "this is how I feel" letter to him. I was afraid I'd regret sending it, and how vulnerable and hurt it showed him I was. But you know, I have not regretting sending it! I want him to know those things! It did spur him to call me and we had a painful talk but it gave me a ton more closure. Just don't expect her to take every word to heart they way you wrote it straight from your heart - that won't happen. That part was tough for me to accept, but it also told me that in the end it's for the best to keep searching for someone who is capable of loving someone besides THEMSELVES. Right? I'm glad you sent the letter though, it gets it off your chest.

Caroline said...

sandra--yes there is a huge test involved, but you have to be supervised for 4000 hours which equals about 2 years. this is my first job since getting my masters where I have a supervisor that can supervise me. i am not worried about the supervision, i am worried about the test. i really just don't test well..