Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Love Lessons

I have always known that Lilly of the Valley was the flower for the month of May, but today was the first time I saw real Lilly of the Valley flowers. I had someone give me a small bouquet of Lilly of the Valley flowers and it was so touching. I feel very blessed because I have so many wonderful people in my life who truly care for me. This is the second time I have received flowers in the last month and really, who doesn't love getting flowers. I think I am becoming a little spoiled.

I have been asked some real hard questions in the past few days. I love that I have the kind of friends that care enough about me that they will be honest and really make me evaluate myself. It was explained to me today that I am still living with the same cult like thinking I had when I was a Jehovah's Witness. As Witnesses we were taught that we were in the last days and at any moment the world was going to end. I remember being at summer camp and I would pray to God to not let the world end yet because I was having such a good time. I have spent my entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop. And when that other shoe did drop then it was literally the end of the world. You have no idea how draining it is to live with the fear that if something bad happens to me, then my life is over.

My entire life I never felt like I could ask for help. I never wanted to rock the boat or make any waves. When I was 11 I was walking in the yard with no shoes and I stubbed my big toe on a rock. I had a huge gash in my toe and probably could have used a few stitches, but I was so afraid of asking for help. I never told my parents about it. The next weekend we were at the lake and my Mom saw my toe and asked what happened and she asked why I didn't say anything to them. It's simple....I didn't feel like I was worth it.

I need your help in learning to love myself because I have no idea where to begin. My friend gave me an assignment and I am to put together a positive board. Anything positive in my life or about me is suppose to go up on this board. As I sit here looking at a blank piece of poster board, I have no idea how I am going to fill it up. But I am willing to try.

This is going to be really hard.

8 comments:

Sandra said...

I saw this quote recently and thought it was cute:

"Don't frown, you never know who's falling in love with your smile."

I was raised with that "the world will end before you grow up" crap too. If you do still hold on to any of that, please do work on letting it go, it was just a way of controlling kids, nothing more. Nothing good. DEFINITELY nothing true.

MJ said...

Fighter, resilient, strong...start with those

traci said...

Caroline, since I grew up one of Jehovah's Witnesses, I understand exactly what you're talking about. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop too. With all the weird weather and tornadoes and volcanoes erupting and and and...you know what I'm saying...I keep waiting for the world to end any day. It's programming, plain and simple and if I had a clue what to do I'd tell you. For now, I think we may be in somewhat of the same boat. Peace.

Julie said...

I didn't grow up with it but sometimes have the same feeling. I blame CNN.
It's hard to change our outlook, but not impossible.

Kelly said...

I read an article this morning and came over here to post a comment to share it with you when I read your post. It seems even more fitting now.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/personal/05/07/blog.therapy/index.html

R said...

You have lots of strengths and things that are positive. You are a great listener, a fighter for sure and a surviver!

Caroline said...

sandra--i love that quote. thanks for sharing it

mj--thank you for helping me

traci--i wish i could get rid of this thinking that the witnesses tainted my brain with. i am so lucky to have friends that are willing to help me in this process

julie--i don't think i realized how much work i still had left to do...

kelly--i tried to follow the link, but it didn't work...

r--thank you for those kind words..sometimes it's so hard finding my strengths when i have never been taught to see them

Patti said...

Listen to Sandra- she's such a wise woman~