I have always known that Lilly of the Valley was the flower for the month of May, but today was the first time I saw real Lilly of the Valley flowers. I had someone give me a small bouquet of Lilly of the Valley flowers and it was so touching. I feel very blessed because I have so many wonderful people in my life who truly care for me. This is the second time I have received flowers in the last month and really, who doesn't love getting flowers. I think I am becoming a little spoiled.
I have been asked some real hard questions in the past few days. I love that I have the kind of friends that care enough about me that they will be honest and really make me evaluate myself. It was explained to me today that I am still living with the same cult like thinking I had when I was a Jehovah's Witness. As Witnesses we were taught that we were in the last days and at any moment the world was going to end. I remember being at summer camp and I would pray to God to not let the world end yet because I was having such a good time. I have spent my entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop. And when that other shoe did drop then it was literally the end of the world. You have no idea how draining it is to live with the fear that if something bad happens to me, then my life is over.
My entire life I never felt like I could ask for help. I never wanted to rock the boat or make any waves. When I was 11 I was walking in the yard with no shoes and I stubbed my big toe on a rock. I had a huge gash in my toe and probably could have used a few stitches, but I was so afraid of asking for help. I never told my parents about it. The next weekend we were at the lake and my Mom saw my toe and asked what happened and she asked why I didn't say anything to them. It's simple....I didn't feel like I was worth it.
I need your help in learning to love myself because I have no idea where to begin. My friend gave me an assignment and I am to put together a positive board. Anything positive in my life or about me is suppose to go up on this board. As I sit here looking at a blank piece of poster board, I have no idea how I am going to fill it up. But I am willing to try.
This is going to be really hard.