July 10, 2003.
Let me back up about a month. I was working a job that I absolutely hated, but I felt like there was no way out. I was not living, I was just existing. I got up in the morning, went to work, came home and started the whole process over each day. I was miserable.
On the 4th of July I went with my parents and 8 year old nephew to the local pool and we hung out all day. It was a really good day and one of the last good memories I have of my parents. I had such a good day that I decided 3 days later to call in sick and go back to the pool. My boss was a real ass and when I called in he seemed very upset. I told him that I needed to go to the dentist because I was having problems with one of my crowns. When I got to work the next day he came into my office and asked what dentist I had seen. I asked him "Why" and he wanted to call and verify that I was there. Knowing he wouldn't have been able to get any information I should have given the name of my dentist, but instead I told him the truth. I told him I had lied about going to the dentist and I just needed a day off. He looked at me and said, "So you lied to me?" He said he needed to think about this and he would let me know what his decision was. He was gone for about ten minutes and then he came back and said, "You're fired, so please leave as soon as possible." I was in shock. But for the first time I was also happy.
It only took me about 5 minutes to pack up my office. I remember walking up to the front door with my box of stuff and feeling so much lighter. I felt so free. I had no idea what I was going to do or how I was going to make it financially, but at that moment none of those things mattered. I walked out the door and never looked back. Little did I know, but getting fired was what saved me.
On the drive home I was nervous about telling my parents. I had no idea how they were going to take the fact that I got fired. Much to my surprise my parents really didn't have a reaction. They weren't happy, but they weren't upset either. Somehow their lack of response told me it was OK that I was happy with being fired.
I didn't realize it at the time, but the five months that I was off was my healing time. I did a lot of thinking during this time. I think it was during this time I finally gained the courage to come out. For the first time I was admitting to myself that I was gay and this was not going to change. For the first time it was crystal clear how I wanted my life to look.
When I think back to that time, it really was a time for me to prepare for what would be the fight of my life.
........to be continued
4 comments:
(((hugs))). Hope you're feeling better. I know just letting your story out has to be liberating.
I just wanted to stop in and say hello and let you know that I am reading your truth with much care and respect for you, Caroline.
I know it has to be cathartic to get it all out! I have an interview in 14 mins. Yikes! Have I mentioned how nervous interviews make me?
I remember that job and that day when you walked out. It took you only five minutes to pack up because you never really unpacked there! You didn't belong there and you knew it from the get-go!
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