If my ex-husband and I were still married, we would have celebrated 12 years of marriage yesterday. I can't believe it's been 12 years and even more I can't believe that we have been divorced for 7 years. I was only 22 when James and I got married and was so immature. When I think about why I got married it wasn't because I was in love with James. Part of me really wanted out of my parents house and the other part felt like that was what I was suppose to do. I actually got married later then most kids my age.I knew before James and I got married that I was making a mistake. But my Mom was so into planning the wedding and I felt like I couldn't tell them I had made a mistake. The money my parents spent on the wedding could have easily bought us a house. I still believe it was a beautiful wedding, I just wish I had had more courage to be myself back them. But then everything happens for a reason.
James is a good person and I did love him, but I was not in love with him. At the time he was very safe for me. I was not always nice to James and I can see that now. It's not that I hated him, I just hated myself.
I did think of James yesterday and I sincerely hope that he is doing good, wherever he is. The last time we spoke was our last court date in early 2001. As I sit here trying to recover from my breakup with Laura, I look forward to the day when I can look back at the time I had with her and only wish her the best. I still struggle with my anger with Laura, but seeing how I can say I wish James the best gives me hope that one day I can have those same thoughts about Laura.
If I knew then what I know now, I would have never married James. It took me 5 years to undue a 30 minute ceremony. The 5 years that James and I were married I was so unhappy. I knew I had made a mistake and I felt trapped. I am thankful that in 1999 I was finally OK with who I was and had the courage to change where my life was going.
7 comments:
At least you can finally see that there can be a future without anger and conflict. Some people never get past that, and those are the ones that usually repeat the mistake.
James was actually a really nice guy, but so quirky!! It was good of you to last 5 years, 'cause I would have probably been ready to smack him silly over those goofy habits.
Happy Freedom Day!
You are so right, everything happens for a reason. Some of it I'm still trying to figure out, and maybe never will.
Everything does happen for a reason.
You sure look fabulous in that wedding dress though :)
Oh my goodness, switch the names and I could have written this post. Wanted out of my parents' house, thought it was the thing to do, had no idea how to live independently, knew it was a mistake but was too scared to tell my parents... Ugh.
You do look really lovely in your dress!
Last night and tonight I read thru a bunch of your archives and I cannot believe what you have been through. You are strong and you will be even stronger from all of the growth that will come out of the last year.
What a lovely photo! Whenever the anniversary of my 1st marriage comes around I think "OhMyGod...was it that long ago?" I got married for alot of the wrong reasons too. I did end up with my 3 beautiful daughters however so I try to look at it in a positive light.
Yes everything does happen for a reason but sometimes damned if I can figure it out to save my life. You were a beautiful, beautiful bride Caroline!
When I look at my wedding pics (I was the same age as you) I think, "oh, so thin, so pretty, so STUPID!" I looked like a lamb going to slaughter. But we survived, eh? I still like my ex too - he wasn't a bad guy, just the wrong guy at the wrong time.
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