I really am trying to have a positive attitude.
The holidays have always been kind of hard for me. Since 2004 I have been celebrating the holidays and they were always hard because I wished I could share my joy with my family. Now that the holidays are HERE, I am trying really hard to be happy and smile even when all I want to do is cry.
About a month ago Laura said I could have the Christmas tree we bought in 2004. When I asked her if I could go pick it up at her parents house she suddenly changed her mind. When I told her that it really wasn't in the budget for me to go pick out a new tree her response was "you can get a cheap one at Walmart or Big Lots or you can just use the 2ft tree." Why is it that I am the one that has had to do all the sacrificing this year? I am the one that has had to completely change my lifestyle because of her choice. I am the one that has been left dealing with the house and all the worry of selling it. All the improvements that have been done to this house have been done by me and my friends. She has done nothing. N.O.T.H.I.N.G. Let me repeat that...nothing.
Tonight I am tired. I am tired of having to be the responsible one. I want to for once just run off and do what I want. I hate that she is able to do that with no worry or anything.
Tonight I just want a break. Even though this is not possible, I just want someone to come into my life that will say, "It's time for you to have a break Caroline." This year started out with me being laid off my job. Laura and I had planned on me taking 4-5 months off to just rest. Even that got (and excuse my language here) fucked up. Half way through my "break" she decided to go off and have an affair and leave me hanging there.
If you want to know how I really feel tonight, then listen to this song.
9 comments:
I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, Caroline. I wish I could help more than just a simple comment. Although I do know how much it helps me to receive them.
((((Caroline))))
Annie
xxx
Oh, girl, the holidays are upon us. You're gonna feel some ups and downs. Try to be prepared and shake the downs as much as you can. I know it stinks to be in your shoes right now, but don't let it rule you. You're too wonderful for that! Sending you lots of positive energy and many hugs now. BTW, TL said thanks for the hug you sent, and she wishes she could do more! :)
Getting over our past is not always an easy thing. They say that it takes a year and a day to be able to move on from a long term relationship. You have to go through the special days like thanksgiving and Christmas with a new perspective. And each time you can release a little bit more until eventually you have gotten to the loving place that you are now at with your ex-husband.
Know that there are many people all around your in real life and blogland who care for you and will always have kind ears to listen as you work your way through your healing journey. And you are working your way through!
Much love,
Annie
xxx
I don't know who the hell 'anonymous' is but they need to get a fucking life and stop harrassing you. Pardon my french Caroline.
It is difficult enough to deal with change when it's a good change that we wanted. To deal with a change that we didn't want and had no say in the making of is especially hard.
I hope you remember all the ups and downs you've had this year so that when you feel particularly down, you'll know that the up is on it's way.
Peace.
Holidays are hard for everyone, but harder on some of us not close to families...hang in there and take care of yourself. And I'm guessing at some point Laura will grow up but you dont have to worry about that, just yourself.
And hey, look! You have a troll! Albeit kind of a dumb one who actually keeps reading a blog they hate, but still...impressive!-:)
I'm sorry you are feeling so down and will keep you in my thoughts over the holidays. I know how hard they can be.
Happy Thanksgiving! And you do have a lot to be thankful for. Even though it's hard, try to remember what you have, not what you've lost.
It just isn't fair!
Come on up North a bit and hang out with us! It is a short and easy drive. You are more than welcome in our home. Beware though... it gets kinda crazy at times.
Holidays are a rough rough time for even the most stable people. You have been through so much upheaval so of course it's going to be rougher than most for you. Hang in there honey, God and your friends and most importantly YOU will get you through. If possible I would just show up at Laura's parents and get the f'ing tree. Grrrr she really pisses me off.
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