Sometimes when I get very sad about my parents I stop and think what I am really sad about. Am I sad that my family won't talk to me for the simple fact that I am gay, or am I sad because I actually feel a sense of relief being away from my family? I think I go back and forth as to where my sadness is coming from. At times when I am really down and need support am I sad because I don't have family to always count on, or am I sad because my family was never that safe place to go?
I am not sure why my parents decided to have children. Maybe they felt that it was they were suppose to. As I am sitting here trying to heal I am wishing my parents had thought about their decision to have children a little more. I wish they had realized how important that job is. Did they realize the affect they would have on their children? Did they realize each word they spoke to me would be repeated in my head for years?
I never felt important to my family. When I was a child I was told many times that I was the good one. When you say that to a child they think that means they always have to be good and perfect. No child should feel that they always have to be good and never make any mistakes. When I was 10 and my brother started abusing me I didn't feel important enough to say something. At that time I would rather take on all the shame and guilt then have my brother (and family) deal with it. Four years later when I finally had the courage to say something to my Mom her reaction was; how could that have happened? you didn't have anything to feel up? I was not important enough to believe and to be protected. My parents didn't believe it at first. When they finally did accept it the damage had been done. Even to this day I doubt if they actually believe me or just said that to shut me up. It worked because after that day I didn't tell them anything. I felt that if they had truly believed me they would have taken me for therapy, taken my brother to therapy or asked him to leave. Nothing happened. We went on like a perfect family.
Yes to my family I was the good one. I never complained about anything. I never let them know I was unhappy. Little did they know that I was slowly dying inside. But somehow I would hang on for another 15 years.
So when I am sad about my family it's not because I miss my family. I am sad that I never really had a chance with my family. I am sad that they are not what they think they are. I am sad that I can't say to others with pride, this is my family.
They will never get it: I just wanted to be loved and made to feel important.
10 comments:
Caroline, unfortunately any of us who become parents don't know what we are doing. Even if we are well-read and take every possible class for it, we have no idea what we are getting into. I'm not defending them; I just want you to know that it was an unfortunate accident that you were adopted where you were, and that it wasn't because of you that they failed, but because they made a lot of mistakes.
I know it isn't the same, but I want you to know from someone who is nearly as close as "family" that you are most certainly important (to me and to a lot of other people, too) and that you are loved. I think you know that I will love you no matter what.
My heart is breaking for you.
I have to agree with Lynilu - parents don't have a clue what they are doing. I struggle with that each and every day and I just hope and pray that I am doing right by my children. I thought I knew what it would be like to have kids and I thought I would know the perfect things to do at all times. How to keep my temper in check at every turn and have never ending patience for these children I waited my whole life for. But it's not like that at all. The truth is, you can't do anything to prepare for the reality of raising children. It can be a very scary things at time - I wonder how each and every word spoken to them will affect them. I wonder how in the world I can keep them safe in a very unsafe world. I worry that I will make mistakes that will forever change the people they are meant to be.
I worry that they will grow up hating me for all my shortcomings when each and every day I do the best I can do for them and by them.
Now I'm not saying that is or isn't the case for your parents. But maybe, just maybe, when you were a child they did the best they could do. That doesn't excuse the way they are currently behaving by any stretch but maybe they really did love you the best they could do. Maybe it isn't what you needed or wanted but maybe it was the best they could do.
I don't know - I don't know them and I only know you through blogs, emails and phone calls so I probably have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm just so sorry that you are sad and I'm sorry your parents aren't there for you because I know that you want them to be.
I'm just sorry you have to go through all you are.
I SO get what you are feeling I didnt have a relationship with my mom till i had my first born.And at best i tolerate her.I watch her enable my brother and give him what ever he needs even when its not in his best interest.Then i get so angry when she wont help me out when i am trying to make a better life for us.All we can do is not make the mistakes that they have.Hugs hun
Caroline, I am so sorry to hear of your childhood. No-one should have to go through that.
I really do believe that we choose our lives because of the lessons that we need to learn. That belief doesn't make things any easier but it does help to give me some focus and some understanding and to try and really look at how I can develop and evolve. It also helps me to forgive and let go of past issues.
I wish you peace and healing with these issues.
Annie
xxx
I thought of my mom when I read this, she was much like yours, I think. She would say to us when we were little "I wish you had never been born."
Fortunately she and my dad divorced and we were separated from her, but I still went through years of feeling like it was somehow my fault. What I hope for you is that you come out the other side (like I did, but it took awhile) independant and strong and loved by a family of your making.
I like what Annie said. As you know, I, too, believe we choose the challenges we experience in life. Sometimes it makes me wonder if I was insane when I plotted my course and chose some of these events and experiences! But with each one I grow.
Yesterday I was talking with Kylee about life challenges as she was struggling with the directives from a teacher that is rigid and doesn't always make sense. I talked about how these things just serve to make us stronger and gave her a couple examples of how having it too easy can mess us up later on in life because we miss the growth of challenge.
I know you're tired of "growth inducing challenges" in your life, but remember, too, that your life could have gone completely sour after what you went through (and continue to). But you ARE strong. You ARE resilient! You ARE better than you might have been. You could still be there, stuck in the muck, but you chose to pull yourself out and to survive. You are light years ahead of the curve where your family and up-bringing is concerned. Hallelujah!!
Caroline,
I hear what you're saying here and I feel for the pain. For years, I was very emotionally tied to my parents. Since my divorce, I am going through many struggles with the concept of being alone. I have even found myself choosing to distance myself from my family where everyone is happily married with a partner. For the first time in 43 years, I'm embracing the fact that my life is about ME. I no longer care if my family or anyone else judges me or the company I may decide to keep. The bottom line is this: are my family members going to bed and waking up every morning by themselves? Of course not and I feel they would have no right to judge me. They should want me to be happy. Unfortunately, life hands me some crap but I still stand strong in myself.
As for parenting, I truly know that I will accept any lifestyle my children end up choosing. My love for them will remain unconditional.
They are the ones who are losing the most because they seem to be an empty shell of people rather than living breathing human beings.
Lynilu is right you do matter to alot of people who love you unconditionally.
I don't really believe that being gay is the reason they don't speak to you. No matter what your lifestyle they wouldn't approve unless you were doing EVERYTHING their way, to the letter, day in and day out. If it weren't being gay, it'd be something else. The best revenge is for you to heal and grow and blossom into the beautiful happy person you were meant to be, and even they couldn't stop you from being!
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