I have so much I want to write about, but I am having a hard time clearing out all these thoughts.
On Friday I had another counseling session. Something did happen during the session that kind of surprised me. He was asking what I was going to do for Thanksgiving and I told him about going to a co-workers house. I had mentioned that a total of 3 co-workers had invited me over and he said, "why would they do that? do they feel sorry for you?", and then he kind of laughed. I was kind of offended. To me it was like he was saying they would only invite me over because they felt sorry for me. What do you think about his question?
I have always been sensitive. It seems that any kind of sadness in the world I feel at a very deep level. One of the things that I have been working on is not being so sensitive. I think it's good to be sensitive, but if you are overly sensitive it can end up hurting you. I think there are many times in my life that I am overly sensitive and I want to change that. When thinking about what happened during my counseling session on Friday my first thought is, "Am I just being overly sensitive?" I have no idea if I am.
My parents used to always say that I was too sensitive. But then again my Mom used to say that I had a cold heart as well. Those two things contradict themselves, so who knows.
A cold heart....When I think back to that comment from my Mom I wonder if she ever really knew who I was. If anything I would think I have a heart that is too soft at times, but not cold.
I also think back to the first boyfriend that broke up with me. I was only 15 and he was also a Jehovah's Witness. I remember his Mom and my Mom talking about the breakup. At some point his Mom said about me, "She just wants to be loved". I have always remembered what she said.
I don't think I have a cold heart and I don't know if I am being overly sensitive about things, but I do know one thing:
I just want to be loved.
24 comments:
Umm..you know what? I think that was totally unprofessional for your therapist to say. Heck - for that matter it was really mean.
I don't think many people invite people to holiday meals because they pity them - more that they like someone and want to include them in the festivities. It woul dbe easy to *not* invite someone you knew was alone - it takes big hearts to extend an invitation and they have big hearts because they have, in some way, connected with you.
Enjoy the invitations and if it were me, I'd be looking for a new therapist. This isn't the first comment you have shared that I thought "Seriously? How was that helpful to someone who is hurting."
Being sensitive is good - as long as you have balance between being overly-sensitive and insensitive. Your therapist seems a bit on the insensitive side.
I completely agree with what Casey has said. That seemed like a rather un-helpful thing to say, and I don't think it's true. Holiday dinners are fairly big deals, so if you are invited to one, I think it's because they want to share their day with you. I think in a way it's a pretty cool compliment.
Dylan and I were invited to dinner with one of her law professors. I don't think we'll go- but wow! I feel flattered when I am invited to something like that!
I suspect that the REAL motive for your therapist in saying that was to get you to self-praise a little. "Because they enjoy my company" etc. But sounds like he botched it. I don't think you were being overly sensitive, I think he blew it. You could even ask him about it next time. It would be valuable feedback in case he ever decides to do that with another client.
Hi, you just commented on my blog so I HAD to come visit you :-). Thank you SO much for stopping by and especially, for leaving a comment.
Lyn is a wonderful person. You've been blessed to have befriended her...and now,so have I.
I couldn't help but read your most recent post. I can't believe that someone would say those types of things to you. I don't even know you and I take offense to those comments. Why can't your co-workers invite you over just because they like you, enjoy your company and are your friends? Why do they have to feel sorry for you? That's mean. And the comment that your mother made is also hurtful. I too had a mother with an "unthoughtful" tongue.
I wish you the best and I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving...regardless of who you spend it with. Thanks again for stopping by my blog and I hope you visit again. Take care.
I think your therapist said that to make you think about why they invited you and he shot back with that to remove your ability to tear yourself down. He did it so you would realize why they did: because YOU'RE WORTH IT.
Caroline, we all just want to be loved, and there's nothing wrong with that, IMO.
I think your therapist was being an ass at the moment he made that crack. In his defense he may have been trying to bring it to the forefront that people invite you because you're a lovely person. However, if that was his motivation and he didn't elaborate after making that crack, it's wrong, IMO. You're not being overly sensitive from where I sit. I'm pretty sensitive too, and if that was said to me it would have thrown me into a tailspin. I'd be thinking that WAS why I was invited, even if the thoughts hadn't crossed my mind previously.
casey--thanks for your comment. i am so looking forward to dinner at this co-workers house. even though i know her life isn't perfect, from where i am sitting she has a wonderful partner, a beautiful daughter and a supportive family. to me that is pretty close to pefection.
audra--i did think that it was neat that 3 of my co-workers invited me to their family dinners. it did make me feel good
sphincter--you are probably right to some degree about why my therapist said that, but at the moment it caught me off guard. i was feeling good and for a few minutes his comment made me feel sad that i don't have a family of my own this Thanksgiving
dawn--thanks for coming by and visiting my blog. i am so glad you had a good visit with lyn. she is so wonderful.
kelly--i think the reason his comment caught me off guard was i was in a good mood and pretty excited about the inviations.
sassy--one way i could tell that i am dealing with things better was the fact that my tailspin was kind of controlled. for a few minutes i went into that self pity mode, but then quickly came out of it.
Therapists can be total asses along with the rest of the population - I'd tell him it offended you in your next session. I dont really think you are any more sensitive than everyone else around the holidays.
And you know what? As a person who hasn't lived near family for years, I think people want you to come because they want that feeling of feeding large groups of friends and family...it is way more fun that way. I have to eat with friends (and I really don't want to, I'd rather stay home and putter) but I owe them because if I were cooking, I'd need THEM there. Make sense?
julie--i have already planned on saying something to him when i meet with him again on the 30th. and your comment about the needing people there makes complete sense.
My first thought about your therapist's comment is that he was perhaps trying to make you see that you have people in your corner...why would they invite you over for Thanksgiving? Because they feel sorry for you? No! Because they like you and want to spend time with you. You're are worth it. You are valuable. You are likeable. Maybe it was just intended to get you thinking.
traci--you are probably right. my therapist does an excellent job at getting me to think. he asked me a question on friday that i had never thought about. i am still trying to figure out what my answer would be. i think overall he is very good, but i was just wondering if i was being over sensitive with what happened. like i said, i tend to be over sensitive a lot.
I agree with sphincter and traci about what your therapist meant. However, I don't think your reaction means you are too sensitive! Your comment about feeling pain in the world so deeply made me think of some things I went thru a few years back -- it was so hard not to absorb others' pain, to where it became difficult to carry on with my life. I had to turn off the empathy and shut down to some degree. I wonder if you've had the same all-or-nothing response sometimes, and maybe that is where your mother came up with the "too sensitive"/"cold-hearted" thing. Clearly she was wrong, though.
Have a wonderful Thanksgiving with your coworker -- maybe you should consider changing the term from coworker to "friend?" Take care!
fern--thanks for stopping by and commenting. i do agree that at times i can be very co-dependant and i want to take on others problems. i am learning that in order for me to be a better friend and partner then i need to take care of myself first. and i totally agree with you about changing the words...i will be having thanksgiving with my friend and her family. thanks for pointing that out.
I think the therapist was the one that was wrong- completely insensitive. I agreee w/Casey- it doesn't sound like this guy is very understanding/helpful
I agree with some others that he was probably trying to show you that of course these people wouldn't just extend an invitation because they feel sorry for you, but he just didn't do it right. I'm glad you're going to talk to him about it so he knows that it was an insensitive way to phrase the idea. And I don't think you're oversensitive for feeling that way.
Thanksgiving invites aren't pity invites -- I can't even imagine that. Of course you are genuinely wanted!
I think his remark was tasteless, ill planned. I suspect, however, that he was saying what several others said here ... that you do have friends and supporters. Yes, talk to him. In fact print out your post tonight and give it to him, it may help him to see how his remark played into the old family tapes. Yes, darling, you have lots of friends and people who believe in you, but getting past the history will still take time. And the help of a therapist who understands the junk you're dealing with.
In regards to your mum's comment - people usually see themselves in others. Perhaps you Mum was just seeing her own reflection.
I can also be quite sensitive. I'm not sure what to think of your counsellor's comment, but I would just ignore it anyway. It's not important. I think it is wonderful that you got invited over. They wouldn't do that if they didn't want to spend time with you. Sounds great to me!
Annie
xxx
I am a lurker, but wanted to offer my perspective. I think that people who tell others they are too sensitive are afraid of emotion. For whatever reason, it makes them feel out of control. But you know, it's not normal to be in control ALL of the time.
I find tears to be very therapeutic! Additionally, it is wrong to invalidate the feelings of someone else. It's a very manipulative behavior.
Good luck at your next therapy session and have fun over Thanksgiving!
I think you should find a new therapist. Period.
Hi Caroline. I've been thinking about this since last night. I thought I'd stop by and tell you what another therapist friend told me once. In regards to your mother's comments to you about being overly sensitive etc. This friend of mine told me that we are often mirrors (just hit me how appropo that is given your blog name)to others behaviors. So, if your mother said you were over sensitive, perhaps she was really talking about what she is and it was mirrored onto you. Does that make sense? Not like she realized it but still...it certainly gave me something to think about anyway.
I have often wondered if I was too sensitive as well. I totally 'get' your thoughts about taking on the pain of the world, others etc. I am far too empathic in my view. I have to literally shut that part of me down alot of the time or it becomes too painful to be out and about in the world. There are times I can literally FEEL the pain of others. It is astounding and hard and it does become difficult to function.
I have no idea if you are too sensitive (although I doubt it)however I see in you a compassion for others, animals included, a strength of character and a kindness that encompasses so many.
Sounds like an amazing person to me!
I agree with Casey it was unprofessional and mean of your therapist. Very much so.
No you are definitely not cold hearted. That I know.
Can one be too sensitive? I don't know. I'd rather be too sensitive than coldhearted!
Couldn't agree more with what Julie said. Wow, I'm surprise a therapist would say that, he should know that holidays can be extra difficult even for people in the best of life situations, and that crack was just totally uncalled for.
I too am extremely sensitive. I cry at a person winning a tv show to yes Little House on the Praire. My parents always told me I was to emotional.
Through counseling I learned I am the way I am. It's just me. If I turn it off I become a cold harded bitch. There is no gray for me.
Wow. That seems like a really stupid thing for a therapist to say. My parents always say I'm too sensitive too, so I know what you mean about wondering whether you should feel hurt, or whether you're just over-reacting because you're too sensitive. I don't find it at all strange that co-workers would invite you over. I'm good friends with my co-workers, and at my old job, my boss said we were "part of her family" and invited us to lots of things.
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