August 8, 2005-August 8, 2007

August 8, 2005

"I am gay. I am proud. And I once was a Jehovah's Witness. I realized I was gay when I was married. It was about 6 years ago now. That is when the show Queer as Folk first went on the air. I wished my mind had been more open then because I think watching that show during my struggle would have helped me. I just started watching QAF last year. Last night as I was watching the finale it was as if I was saying goodbye to a new friend. I had just gotten to know the characters and now they are gone into history. I used to be ashamed that I was gay. I was raised that way. If you think differently or look differently, then there is something wrong with YOU. I fought my feelings for women for so long until it was literally killing me. The first time I kissed a woman I knew this was how it was suppose to feel. I never felt that when I would kiss a man. I felt like "yes, this is who I am." And who I am is someone that loves women. That does not go well when you belong to a religion that forbids homosexual relationships. I was told either you chose God or you chose your sinful life. Two things here..first of all, I should never have to chose between something and God. God is always with you. Second, my lifestyle is not sinful. Many JW's marry before it is legally alright for them to marry. Is that a sin? My gay home is filled with love, respect and honor. I don't see that very often in heterosexual homes today. I created this blog for all those people struggling with their faith and their sexuality. You need to know that you are perfect the way you are. And always remember God made you gay. And God loves you. I look forward to this self-discovery and I pray that my previous struggles will help others when it seems the whole world has turned on them. "

That was the first entry of my blog two years ago. It's interesting to go back and read the reason I started this blog. Two years ago seems so long ago. I think of all that has happened in the last two years and literally sit here with my mouth wide open.

The first time I heard the word blog it was in reference to Rosie and her blog. Two years ago I was bored at work and decided I would create a blog. I had no idea that it would take on a life of itself and become something so important to me and so much of who I am at this moment. Little did I know that a moment of boredom would turn into a moment that would literally change my life.

When I first started this blog it was all about me being an Ex-Jehovah's Witness and being gay. About a year after writing I realized that I no longer wanted to be labeled as a EXJW, but I wanted to be known just as Caroline. There was so much more to me then just being an EXJW. So, a year after starting the blog I changed the URL address and the name of my blog. It was a healing change.

I am very thankful for this blog and the wonderful people that have come into my life through the blog. I am thankful that I am able to keep in touch with my wonderful friend and know what she is having for dinner even though she is 900 miles away. I am thankful for the the support that I have received from people literally all over the world. I had no idea that I would become so attached to people that I have never met, but have allowed me to be part of their life through their blogs.

When I started the blog I didn't think anyone would read what I wrote. I felt my life was boring and ordinary. The more I wrote the more people started checking out my blog and to my surprise, you kept coming back. One important lesson I have learned the last two years is how incredibly strong I am as a person. When I think of all that I have had to overcome the last two years I sometimes for a second think it's someone else and not me. I sometimes have to pinch myself to remind myself that it is indeed me and not someone else.

This awareness has come from all your wonderful comments. I have received enough comments from people that comment on my strength and at some point I finally believed it. In the addictions field we have a saying, "Fake it till you make it". I faked it and I am happy to say that I have finally made it.

You have seen me in the good times. You have seen how excited I get about the holidays. You have gone through each and every root canal I had. You were with me when I lost Ben for a week. And the most important: you were there for me when Laura walked out the door and I thought my life was over.

For all of you that have stood by me and gave me strength until I could find it for myself; I thank you. My life has changed for the better because of each and every one of you. You made me laugh when I was unable to find anything to laugh about, you allowed me to vent when I needed to and most importantly you genuinely cared about me. From the bottom of my heart: thank you.

In 365 days I will celebrating 3 years of blogging. I am excited for the future and where I will be a year from now. It can only get better.

I would like to end this post with a quote that Lynilu uses at the end of each of her posts. I doubted this quote the last five months, but I am happy to say again that Life really is Beautiful.