Monday, June 18, 2007

The Right Kind of Love


I've done a lot of thinking the last 24-48 hours. And I realized I was really wrong about something. It's hard to admit that I was wrong, but since admitting I was wrong I have felt so much better about myself.

As many of you may have guessed the decision I had to make in the last couple of days was to really slow things down with STL. I still think she is a wonderful, caring and kind person. But here is where I realized I was wrong about something; I am not ready to be in a serious relationship. I realized this sometime last week when STL and I were discussing what we were going to do about the 250 miles between our homes. We talked seriously about me moving to St. Louis and I started looking at jobs in St. Louis. We looked at apartments for me and even had one picked out. At the time my only concern was telling my current work. I love the job I have now and I love the people I work with. I knew they were really happy with the work I was/am doing and I knew they would be very disappointed. As the days went on I kept thinking that something was not feeling right about all of this. I told myself it was just fear of moving to a new city and finding a new job. Even with more reassurance from STL I was still not feeling right about everything.

Finally yesterday morning I realized that I could not move to St. Louis at this time. I told STL and she was understandably very upset with me and the decision I had made. I think she felt like I had made a decision without talking to her first. Part of the reason I did not discuss it with her first was because I knew what I needed to do and I did not want to be talked out of it. STL is still upset and I may have ruined something that could have been very good, but I just feel like I need a little more time to be on my own, heal my old wounds and learn to live on my own for the very first time. I just keep telling myself that if it's meant to work out then it will all work out the way it's suppose to.

I was upset last night because I had hurt STL. As I went up to bed Sophie was on the bed. I laid down next to her and I told her that maybe I will just be in love with her for a while. After all, she always has given me the right kind of love.

You know when you do something wrong and someone says "I told you so"? I never liked it when people would say that to me and I would appreciate not hearing that in regards to this. I know many of you tried to tell me that maybe it was a little soon, but I think the only way for me to really know this was to get my feet wet. I now know and I regret anyone that has been hurt from this. I sincerely ask for your forgiveness.

14 comments:

yankeegirl said...

Caroline-
You are so courageous! You are doing the right thing for you and that's all you need to worry about right now. ((hugs))

Anonymous said...

Oh honey. I'm sorry. You are a strong, courageous, wonderful woman. That's obvious from this post. Taking care of yourself is sometimes the hardest thing isn't it? {{{{{Caroline}}}}}

Casey said...

I echo Yankeegirl and Traci; this is a VERY courageous thing for you to do and you should be so incredibly proud of your inner strength! You heard yourself and you are paying attention. That is HUGE! And you are absolutely right; if things are meant to be, they will be and no matter what, you have you and you are going to be better than great.
Hugs.

One Messed Up Chick said...

Sophie will always love you, so will all your friends :) Sorry we keep missing each other. We'll catch up soon. :)

Holly said...

It is a courageous thing for you to do. I hope you realize that you don't need to apologize. You were previously in a relationship that you might not have always been able to take time for YOU.
Follow your instincts. As hard as this may be, I am hoping you find peace in the decision.
Sending you hugs!

Jamie said...

You have to do what is the best for you, or the relationship would have no future anyway, not if you didn't feel right about it. Things will fall into place, I am certain of it!

Caroline said...

yankeegirl--so many people think i am courageous...but there are many times (like right now) that i don't feel like that. thank you for reminding me

traci--taking care of myself really is the hardest thing. why is it so much easier to take care of someone else???

casey--thank you for your kind words casey. i am trying to be proud of myself, but i am having a hard time since i have hurt someone in the process

eye--yes sophie and my friends (you) will always love me. it's nice to hear that every once in a while since sophie does not talk to me. :)

holly--my entire life i have always apologized, even when i knew i didn't need to. i need to get over that feeling of feeling bad for taking care of myself

simonsays--that is what i keep telling myself (as well as STL), but it's still hard when someone is hurt by your actions.

Lynilu said...

The important thing is ... you did the right thing for YOU. I'm sorry, too, that STL is hurt, but you need some time so you make the right decision. If you're not being straight-up-honest with yourself, you won't be able to fully give in a relationship.

Let's hope she can remember that old saying ... if you love something (someone), turn it loose. If it comes back to you, it was meant to be, and if not, it would have been doomed, regardless of the timing.

I agree that you are courageous. And I know that you are honest to the core. You were so right in your previous comments that you've been put into positions where you apologized for things you didn't need to; essentially you were taught to lie to preserve other's feelings. Don't forget what I said earlier; *you* are not responsible for other's feelings. Period.

I'm very proud of you and how you made your decision through reason rather than emotion. Let's hope STL comes to see that, too, when she processed it. Be yourself, care for yourself, and then you can love fully. When it is right, it will be accepted by the right person.

I'm glad you've waited, too, dear friend. smiles and hugs c oming your way. {} :) {} :) {} :) {} :) {} :) {}

Caroline said...

lynilu--i know i say this a lot, but you always know exactly what to say. it does feel different (and good) to make decisions based on reason rather then emotions. thanks for the hugs

Monogram Queen said...

Honey I am in awe of you because it had to be hard to say that to her. I think after all of the bad feelings regarding your break-up with Laura that you just got swept up into something good. I hope you two can remain friends and build from there.

Luna said...

You have to make sure you take the time you need. I think you are wise to not rush into another serious realtionship.

What Laura did hurt you- I really hope that you will continue to put yourself first. Hopefully STL will understand that- with some time and you can continue to grow closer.

amy h said...

It sounds like you made a tough decision, but the right one -- particularly if it feels right. And, as much as it may hurt STL, it would hurt a lot less now in the beginning than it would later, and these kinds of issues don't often just go away and resolve themselves. It is so important to take care of yourself, and so hard, too. You can do it though!

SassyFemme said...

Nothing I can say that hasn't already been said by some very wise women here! {{{{ }}}}

Minnesota Nice said...

I'm not actually understanding what you think you did wrong, it sounds like you did the right thing after being pressured to do potentially the wrong thing. If the care between you two is genuine, this shouldn't affect a darn thing - you chose the practical and correct choice because you're mature and intelligent! Oh yeah and Sophie-dog is looking adorable as ever.