I am just having one of those days where I feel my faith is no where to be found. I read many blogs from people that have tremendous faith and never seem to be low on it. I wish I had an unlimited amount of faith, not only in myself but God. Right now I am running low and I wish I could find the place that I could fill up on my faith.
I don't want to blame all of this on my upbringing because for the last 3+ years I have been on my own with no influence from the Watchtower or Jehovah's Witnesses. But I think my faith or lack of faith sometimes goes back to when I was a small child and what I was taught then. Those early years when I was being taught about faith still effect me to this day. Sometimes I get so angry with myself that I can't just let go of those teachings and/or guilt.
If you go to GNC or any health store there are many herbal teas that allow you to cleanse your body. I wish there was one for faith. I would love to drink something that would completely cleanse my mind of all the teachings I had been taught. I want to be able to start over with God. I want to find that magic cleansing that will make everything ok with my mind and God.
Growing up as a Jehovah's Witness we were taught that having a cross was sac-religious. You were not to worship any item. Our faith was led by blind men and we were to just believe what they were teaching us. I always questioned what I was being taught. When I would ask a question I would quickly be told not to ask so many questions. Finally at one point I stopped asking questions. I was being force fed so much crap that finally my mind and heart started rejecting it.
I keep searching and I hope one day that I will find peace with God. The little faith that I do have says that one day I will.
*The above picture is the little collection Laura and I have of crosses. We try to pick up a new cross each time we go on vacation.
14 comments:
Couldn't help but make a comment on your thoughts for today. Faith and Religion are 2 different things. What "teachings" are for the most part are Religion. You are taught(sometimes brainwashed)what they the elders believe is the way..they only way to believe. And anything different is wrong. I realized a few years ago Faith is what's in your heart not what people tell you it is. Why do you need a middleman to tell you how you should believe? Religious elders-people tend to pick and choose things on their own opinions and interpret it as THEY wish. Listen to your own heart..your own inner voice...your own faith.
I agree with the previous poster. And I also think faith just "is". There is no where you can go to find it or get more. You just have to decide to have it and then you will. But you have to decide you have it in every situation that comes up..over and over and over. How many time have you heard "YOu just have to have faith."? I think that's exactly the point - you just have to have it. No one can give it to you. It's all you.
And you have it even if you have a hard time seeing it. My guess is, you have faith that dinner time is coming soon. You have faith that the sun will rise again tomorrow. You had faith the you would find the right job at the right time. You have faith that by going to the gym you are helping yourself get healthy. You have faith that your car will start when you turn the key. The list goes on and on.
Here's hoping you recognize the fact that you really DO have faith. Tons of it.
The fact that this is troubling you really proves that you DO have faith. For me, after a childhood of religious brainwashing, it was the happiest day when I realized I didn't 'need' faith in someone else anymore because I had enough strength within myself to live well and be happy, and it doesn't bother me one bit that I don't need or miss faith or religion...but if you strongly feel that you need it, then I'd say you already have it. I don't know if that makes sense.
just a little coffee--thank you for the reminder about faith and religion. sometimes i forget since i was brought up in a religion that taught they were both the same. thanks for stopping by and commenting
casey--i am such a visual person that sometimes it's hard to believe something is there when i can't see it. but it is something i am working on everyday
sandra--that made total sense to me. i loved the way you put it, "if you feel you need it then you already have it". thanks
Caroline, I can't possibly say anything more than what the others have so eloquently articulated.
I can tell you that I grew up in a very conservative christian household with a father who was a minister and I was literally born in church (mom's water broke while at Sunday evening services). My denomination says I'm an abomination and I had a really difficult time reconciling myself with my faith...or religion, I guess.
I can't say that I'm totally there yet, but I have to believe that the God who created me loves me for who I am. So what says my faith? I don't know....I know that I have faith in something bigger than myself. I know that I have faith that I am here for a purpose. Religion...I gave up on that years ago.
Guilt...I know about guilt. I should be catholic!
I think it's good that you're talking about your thoughts and feelings. You're okay. You will find yourself again. I know it.
Caroline- Don't give up-God doesn't fail us, even when people and religions do.
sharon--i think it's amazing the religion we are raised with and our parents thinking that it will only do us good when we are all grown up. knowing what i know now, i would never force a religion on my child. thanks for your friendship my brown eyed girl
yankeegirl--what you wrote was so beautiful. i will never forget those words you wrote. thank you.
Have you ever considered going on a retreat? You can be alone with yourself in silence. Find a monastery near you, or a Jesuit catholic church. There are also non-denominational retreat centers; even East Jesus has one.
In a twisted way, you were taught that you need "religion," and when "faith" came into it, you were then denounced as wrong. When you thought (had faith) you were going against the teaching (religion).
Most of us have or have had doubts, many of us have parted from organized religion, and I believe that the root of it for us is that organized religion forces us to fit into a box. God didn't intend for us to force ourselves into square shapes; the Creator wants us to find him in our hearts, being joyous that we each have a unique relationship with Him. It will take time for you to shake off the remnants of the past, but in time, I believe you will find peace with your God. I say "your God" because it will be that unique relationship, not what I have or what Laura has or what anyone else has. It is yours alone, and you will find it because you are looking, thinking, and believing that it is possible. Keep questioning, but do so with assurance that it is OK to ask.
Those crosses are just beautiful.
I think everyone has a "low on faith" moment at one time or another. Some of these "happy all the time people" are just damned good actors IMHO!
trop--that is a good idea. i will have to look into that for one in our area. although, i always come to peace with God when i am near the ocean. next month will be very good for my soul
lynilu--i loved what you said about "my God". i had never thought about it that way. thanks for the insight
patti--you know you are probably right about the people that are always happy. that made me smile..thanks
Caroline, I struggle with the same issues, feelings, guilt, whatever. I wish I had an answer for you as then I would have an answer for me. Sometimes all I can do is one moment at a time. Sometimes that has to be enough. Reading this brought tears. I understand sweet lady. I understand.
I echo all the thoughtful wise comments. May I add:
“Though our feelings come and go, God’s love for us does not.”
CS Lewis
I'm sorry it is hard.
For me, I don't always know how far I’ve come until I return to where I was. I don't like attending Church of the denomination I grew up with, but there are times where I need to... for family events/reasons. It is then that I really realize how far I've come away from those beliefs. But somehow those verses/passages are engrained in me and in those settings it seems that I cannot forget.
I don't know anything really about JW. But know that you have come a long way. Know that you are in a new place with new hope and faith.
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