Monday, February 05, 2007

Just One Day

There are so many days when I wish I lived in a different town. Kansas City is not a small city, but it's not so big that you can disappear and not be seen from certain people. I wish I could just disappear so that I didn't have to see certain people and they couldn't see me.

Laura and I shop at a Walmart that is in the same neighborhood as my parents house, my aunt/uncles house, my old congregation as well as numerous members of that congregation. We like that Walmart because it's always clean and we know where everything is. Just driving to that Walmart the chances of running into someone I know from my past is very high. Once in that Walmart or any of the other stores in that area the chances that we will see someone that I know is again very high.

Saturday we went to Walmart to do our shopping and as we were driving home we were right behind my aunt. I didn't honk or do anything to be pointed out and I just minded my own business. She turned onto her street and I don't even know if she realized I was right behind her for about two miles.

What I hate is all the feelings that suddenly push to the front when I see someone that hates me because I am gay. I get angry at them. I get angry at the entire Jehovah's Witness religion. Then I start thinking about my parents and how crappy they are treating me.

I think I have done pretty well at moving on with my life without my family. Considering that 3 years ago I will still do dependant upon my parents that I could barely make any decisions on my own, I think I am doing very well. I thought about my parents last week when I bought my camera. To them that would have been a silly purchase and they probably would have told me what I should have done with that money. It feels wonderful making decisions and not having anyone question my reasons for buying this or that.

Laura and I have talked often about moving. It would be nice to have a fresh start somewhere. It would be nice going to the store and not worrying about who we are going to run into. I just want one day where I can go to the store and not worry about who will be there and what they will be thinking or saying about me. Just one day.

15 comments:

Casey said...

Move here. I need more friends and I think you might like it. Mildish winters and pretty darn warm summers (between 80-100 degrees). So here's my vote for moving and starting over! :)

Sonya said...

I can understand how this has to be hard.

First the thoughts and feelings that you experience by being in/near your "old" stomping grounds. Not sure if you've moved or not... but that territory is related to your past and there are many emotional connections/triggers.

Second... you've got to be on high alert just in case you run into anyone familiar... just so you aren't surprised or taken off guard.

Moving out of KC may be the answer, only you and Laura know this. But in the meantime I'd seriously seek out other shopping places. I know these current places feel comfy and familiar... but soon the new places will too, I promise. It feels like you are torturing yourself by taking the chance that you'll run into someone that will trigger all these raw emotions.

Caroline said...

casey--i would love to move to the northwest, but laura does not like rain. she always spoils the fun doesn't she?? :)

sonya--we've thought about that and will probably do that. hopefully we won't be in this house too much longer and will move south of here so we will be out of the "zone".

Lynilu said...

It is hard, I know. My situation is much different, but when I run into something that reminds me of Glenn, I have those "why doesn't it go away" feelings. As long as there are many reminders such as you have in KC, it will continue to be difficult. It is a lot better for me here since I don't run into people, things, or places that relate to him. I'm impressed at how well you are doing, all things considered. You're a lot stronger than you realize. And even more than THEY think you are.

SassyFemme said...

Having to be "on guard" sounds like a horribly stressful situation. I know I've said this so many times, but I just don't get what kind of loving fmaily can do that to their child. It does sound like getting out might be a good option for you guys. Where is Laura's family? Are they in KC, too? Do you guys have a support system elsewhere, that's in an area that you like? Now I'm sure Laura will say it's too cold, but perhaps the CT area might interest you? LOL

Pregnant In Texas said...

Houston! Houston! HoustonHoustonHoustonHouston!!!

Ok, I really don't like it that much here, but it is sunny 10 months out of the year. Even when it rains, it's still 50-60 degrees.

You'll see. Texas is just too unique to fully describe in words.

Caroline said...

lynilu--as you always did you put it so well. it was a good reminder that i am stronger then what they think i am. thank you

sassy--i would love the east coast as well, but laura said "no" becuase of the snow and cold.

pregnantintx--the weather in houston would be perfect for laura since she loves warmth and not cold, but i still kind of like the 4 seasons. although at this moment i don't like winter.

Casey said...

"but laura does not like rain"

What on earth are you talking about? it doesn't rain here. No way - not a drop. Never. Ever. Ever. It's like drought city around these parts.

*trying to look as innocent as possible*

Nope- I have nooooo idea what you are talking about.

NOW will she come live her? Tell me I'M here...and I have cute glasses now. :) :)

Caroline said...

casey--laura said you are a liar, but a cute one at that.

amy h said...

I'm surprised you still run into so many people. I never run into anyone, and I've lived here most of my life and have family here, too. Maybe I'm just oblivious to my surroundings. :) I'd definitely look for another shopping area though -- it doesn't sound like it is worth the pain to continue going to the same places.

It's hard to find a place that suits two different climate preferences. I like North Carolina -- warmer, but it still has seasons. Or, I'd move to Portland, Oregon if it weren't for that rain thing.

Patti_Cake said...

I am so sorry you are going through those negative moments. I know you have spoken before of moving but hesitate because of Laura's family.
Cheer up, today is Lynilu Day! :)

Unknown said...

I can't imagine how difficult that must be for you....sorry you have to go through that. If moving is not an option at the moment then....you be sure to keep a purpose in your walk and your chin held high....you have nothing to be ashamed of!!!

Trop said...

Moving isn't the easiest thing. It takes a while to get acclimated, make friends, find your way. But I like the blank slate it offers. It's a chance to start fresh.

Caroline said...

amy--right after i wrote this post i had to run to walmart and qt and i ran into someone while i was getting gas. it was someone from the church. they are everywhere. :) because of laura's family i think we are going to stay put for a while, but think about moving down closer to them.

patti--yea for lynilu day

boo7--thank you so much for the kind words. when i do run into someone i always hold my head up high and i usually say "hello" to them even if they won't say anything to me

trop--i think that is what we are looking for..that blank slate.

Rose of Sharon said...

I can't imagine going through what you are with everything that has happened with your family and your old church life. It does surprise me that even though you live in such a large city, that you still run into people, but it's probably more that they live and shop where you do.

My first thought would be to shop somewhere else, but then my second thought would be, "why do I have to the one to change where I shop?"

You and Laura know that you are always welcome to move south to where we are. Not the most gay friendly town, but it at least has two people who love you! :)

The only thing you would have to change is shopping at Wal-Mart. We are not allowed to utter that word in our house...it's not that bad...just that here, it's Walgreens and otherwise it's grocery stores!! But I have to confess that I shop at Wal-Mart if I REALLY have to! :)