So, last night I wrote out a post and even published it. It was only up for a few minutes, but in the time I had second thoughts on what I wrote and decided to delete it. In the maybe 10 minutes that it was up I got a comment. Once I read that comment I was very happy I deleted that post.
This blog was started for me to get out in the open my feelings of growing up a Jehovah's Witness and then coming to terms with the fact that I am gay. Realizing I am gay has it own issues, but the main reason for this blog was for me to get out all those "ugly" feelings I have about my family turning their back on me and pretending that I don't exist anymore. My last post I talked about anger. There were a few anonymous comments from people asking where my anger comes from. I think if you read my blog you will see why I am angry. But I am want to go into more detail of why I am angry. I need to get this shit out of me. And I have found that this blog has been one of the healthiest ways for me to get it out. The more it stays inside, the uglier it gets and the more it eats at me.
My parents knew I was gay. When I was disfellowshipped the first time (2000) for smoking my Dad came and had lunch with me one day. Now, my Dad was still talking to me because my Dad has never been a Jehovah's Witness and he was so happy that I had broken free from their mind contolling shit. I mean, he was really happy. It was at this point that my Dad and I were our closest. I told him that day when we were at lunch that I was "seeing" a woman. He appeared to pretty much indifferent to it. I think at that point he was just more concerned that I was happy.
My brother was also told around this same time. My brother didn't care at all. It was never an issue with him.
In March 2002 I was reinstated back into the church. About seven months prior to this I had decided that I wanted to go back into the church. It took seven long months to get back into the church. In August 2002 I was realizing that coming back into the church was not filling this void I had in my life. I knew what that void was. I was gay and I wanted the companionship of a woman. So, everyone in my family knew except my Mom. (how my Dad and brother had not accicently told her is besides me) I told my Mom that I had dated women in the past and that I was gay. She freaked out. I mean, really freaked out. She started crying and then next thing I know she has locked herself in her bedroom and won't talk to me. As I was leaving my Dad said to me, "thanks for stirring up all this shit". That pissed me off. It was as if he wanted me to be unhappy for the sack of their happiness. Three days later I retracted what I told my Mom. I told her that it happended in the past and I no longer felt that I was gay.
So, why am I angry? My parents have taken me being gay as a reflection of who they are as parents. I wish they would see past that and realize I am an adult and this isn't all about them. I am angry that my Mother has chosen her religion over her own daughter. I will never understand how a parent can do that. I am angry at my Father for allowing my Mother to treat me like this and then he follow her just to make things easier for him at their house.
My family will always be my family. My Mother has said for two years (to herself, others and me) that I have chosen Laura over them. I am 33 yaers old and I shouldn't have to chose them over anyone. They need to realize that children grow up and move on. Just because my brother hasn't and is so dependant upon them for everything, doesn't mean that's normal. They should be proud of me for what I have accomplished in life. Here I am living in my OWN house, providing for myself without the help of anyone and best of all, I am HAPPY. I have never been so happy with my life. Yes, I am angry, but not because of the choices I have made. I am angry for the CHOICES my parents have made. There is a big difference.
Being rejected by your parents is one of the hardest things ever. I come across many ex-JW blogs whose parents are still talkign to them. I wonder why my parents won't talk to me. They have their reasons and they have told me several times, but those reasons are no excuse for cutting a child out of their life.
Look at me Mom and Dad. I am happy. I am living the life that any parent would wish for their child. I just hope that they will realize this before it's too late.
11 comments:
I saw the entry you pulled down through my bloglines, and went to comment, but it was already gone.
I hate that you're going through what you're going through with your family, it's not right. You're a good person, living a wonderful life, and doing good to help others. Most parents would be tickled pink to have a daughter like you. You're someone that any parent should be proud of!
I'm not sure if you've posted that you've tried it before or not, but have you gone to any Pflag meetings, or sent your family anything from Pflag?
Hugs...
elf--thanks
sasyfemme--i thought it was better that i delete that post. thank you for your support. i am not sure my parents would read anything i send them. but that is an excellent idea. thanks.
Sorry, I had a misspelled word that threw the whole message off. Here is the corrected text:
I think the saddest thing in life is to learn that someone you love isn't what you want them to be. It seems that you and your parents are on opposite sides of that statement, both wishing the other would change. Sadly, none of us can change anyone else unless they are agreeable. You tried really hard to be what they wanted you to be. I was here with you through that, and I saw how hard you tried. The internal conflict that it caused in you to live a lie caused serious health problems for you, for goodness sake!!
Caroline, you have made decisions about your life according to your own needs, not out of malice. I don’t know the reason they have chosen to remove themselves from you. It makes no sense to me, based on facts you stated in your post and my own experience in this situation, (1) other JWs don’t sever all contact with disfellowshiped family members, as evidenced by (a) JWs that Glenn and I talked with at our door who bore witness about the difference between family issues and religious issues, (b) your information from ex-JWs you’ve talked to, and (c) conversations I had with your grandmother years ago when she explained about the religion (again as it relates to “worldly” people and events) ; (2) the fact that your brother and his wife accepted you and Laura in their home for several visits while knowing you were a couple, and your father knowing you smoked and had gay relationships and was OK with it (or at least he didn’t stop talking to you until your mother knew and apparently put a stop to it.) You'll never make them change. I hope that some time one or all of them will realize that they are missing out on a lot of really wonderful times with you . Perhaps then they will be ready to learn and develop some tolerance.
I wish I didn’t have to keep saying this, but it seems I do: I am so sorry that you must go through this. I have found you to be a good person since I’ve known you. That hasn’t changed, EXCEPT for the better. You are even better since accepting yourself for who you are and living honestly. I’m proud to know you, and I’m really glad that you have found out just how happy you really can be when you quit living lies created by someone else’s standards. Never stop loving them, but don’t agonize over the losses, because the loss aren’t yours. It is theirs.
lynilu--thank you for your continued support. you have always been there for me and i greatly appreciate it. both you and glenn were always such a great support for me when i was trying to figure out who i was. one of the best memories i have of glenn were all those longs talks we would have on the deck. we would sit out there for hours just talking about life. i do know what other jw's have said about their children that are disfellowshipped and it just doesn't make sense to me about my parents. this may be something i never understand. slowly (someday more slowly) i am coming to terms of it.
Sorry that is is so hard for you. I can't imagine what that is like.
I always find it interesting that very religious people that claim to promote "family" are always the first to dump family member for not living life on their terms. I have never understood that.
Turning your back on your kid doesn't make them less your kid...just makes a person a heartless parent IMO.
Take care,
Shelly
Honey I hope they come to their senses also.
I have a daughter and there is NOTHING she could do that would make me turn my back on her. I don't care if she turns out to be gay,straight,bi,transgendered, I just want to her to be loving person and find someone who loves her and is good to her.
Oh and the little boy in the pic you asked about is my nephew Chandler. He's very special to us!
Hugs honey, you are right and your family is SO WRONG.
Nice to see ELF back and making some sense now.
Ex JW applauds you!
packof2--thanks for the encouraging words
patticake--your daughter is very lucky. thanks for answering my question about your nephew..
danny--thank you. having this blog feels like i am taking back some of the power i lost while a jw
Members of my family chose religion over people too. Just remember it's not about you, or who you are or anything you've done...it's them. Their thought processes, their choices. You're living a healthy happy life, and have much to be proud of!!
sandra--thanks for the reminder.
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