I think I am beginning to melt. It is so hot outside and it's only suppose to get worse by this weekend. They are talking temps in the 100's. We haven't seen it get this hot since the summer of 2004. Hey, that was right after Laura and I met. I wonder if we had something to do with the "sizzling" temps that summer. (she's going to kill me for writing that)
Many of you know that I was married before realizing I was gay. My ex and I met over the internet. Now, this was in 1994. So think of the internet back then. Very antique compared to now. And when we told people how we met they about died, including both our parents. I was first introduced to the internet by my friend from high school. She had moved to Indiana to go to school and she told me about this email thing she had. She told me what I needed to do and she would be able to send me an email. I remember the first email I sent her I just typed in her name in the "send to" box. So, I got Prodigy and went to their Bulletion boards and that's how I met my ex. We got along so well over emails and the first time we got together. Oh, he was from California so getting together was not that easy. I thought my parents were going to kill me when I told them that this guy I met over the internet was going to be coming to town. Did I mention that I told them like two weeks before he was due to come to town. They said he couldn't stay in the house, so the poor guy got a hotel room for the entire two weeks that he was here. I was so confident that this was love. Who else would shell out $450 for a hotel for two weeks?
We did get married a year and a half later. Within a month I knew I had made the worst mistake of my life. I thought for sure that if James and I got married I would suddendly be happy. It didn't work out that way. Suddenly I had all this anger. I had no idea where it was coming from. The smallest things would send me off into a world I had never been. There were times I would be so angry that I thought I was going to have a heart attack. I should have gotten the clue when I put on like 40 pounds in the first 8 months of our marriage. It was horrible.
Four years later James and I realized that maybe we couldn't make this work. I didn't feel like trying and neither did he. I had already started feeling like "maybe men weren't right for me". The first time I kissed a woman I knew I was gay. There was no hiding the fact. When James left, I was happy for the first time in almost six years.
Then the real work started. Ok, I was gay, but where do I go from here. I was able to explore these feelings because as James was on the way out of town (he moved back to California) he informed the elders at our congregation that I was smoking. They called me in and told to quit smoking. Like a little kid I said, "no". They said ok and disfellowshipped me. This was the first time I actually stood up for what I wanted to do. It actually felt kind of powerful.
I knew after James left I needed to work on myself. I worked real hard on finding where this anger was coming from and how to deal with this anger in a more healthy way. For five years I did so well with dealing with my anger and dealing with it in a healthy way.
So, here I am today and I feel some of the old feelings of anger coming up. It is actually really starting to make me worry. I find myself flying off the handle easier. I am not too sure what to do. I know Laura has noticed a difference in how I handle things. It's almost as if I can't handle things anymore. As a social worker you are trained to deal with a crisis. It seems so much harder in my own life. Why is it so hard to get a hold of this anger?
It is something I am aware of and something that I work on each and every day.
16 comments:
They got married and lived happily ever after!! I'm laughing my ass off here.. What a riot!
anonymous--what do you mean by that? can't people live happily ever after
Anger. Hmmm....I know I struggle with that and I'm willing to bet almost everyone does. (And honestly, I don't trust people who say they "never" get angry.) Finding healthy outlets is vital though - working out, talking with someone, etc. Keeping it bottled up harms everyone around you including yourself. So start talking. Talk with laura, talk with friends, vent on your blog, talk with a therapist. Just talk and talk and talk...somewhere in all the talking, the real reason for your anger will come up and out.
Be good to yourself and, since you are aware of your anger issues, be sure you are being good to Laura, too. :)
PS...Is there a happily ever after? I'm not sure - I think it all is hard work and you have to do the work to reach the happy part. I have found that in 12 years my relationship runs from down *here* to up *here and back again. I don't think the idealistic "happily ever after" is real. I think you have to work *hard* for the happily ever after....but I do believe relationships can survive and thrive and make it.
casey--thank you so much for your comment. i think one big difference between my ex and laura is i am aware of my anger. when i have a really bad day i know it's better to ask for a hug then to use her to take out my anger. i agree that a good relationship is a lot of work. but in the end..all the work is well worth it.
Caroline, I'm not sure if you knew, but like you, I was also married before realizing I was gay, and so was Fran. She and I met through Prodigy, btw.
It's okay to be angry and not know why. I don't put this on my blog, but Fran has some anger issues deep inside, and sometimes it just comes up more than others, and in talking we've decided it's okay to be angry. Sometimes she can't or won't tell me what's going on, she's just bitchy/angry, and I don't know why, often times she doesn't know why. When she gets really angry she plays what I call "shoot 'em up" games on the computer, something to get her aggression out. I tend to know to leave her alone when she does that, and have been known to suggest she go play shoot 'em up. If not we end up being really snippy and bitchy to each other.
I know I'm rambling here, bear with me, I might have a point, or I might really just be rambling. [grin]
I guess part of what I'm trying to say is all because you're a social worker and you're trained to work with other people on things, don't be so hard on yourself, expecting to be able to do the same thing. You're coming at this from the inside, not the outside. You're not detached, you're as involved as you could every possibly be.
The other part of what I'm trying to say is to try to find an outlet for when you get angry, whether it's writing, shoot 'em up games, or something creative that you do. For me, reading novels or watching TV is my way to destress. Oh, and over the years Fran and I have agreed that sometimes we just say we're pissy and don't want to talk about it right now, and the other agrees to give some space.
I noticed you made a comment about how hot it is. Don't know if there's any correlation or not, but Fran's an absolute bear to live with when she's hot. (Oh am I thankful she'll never see any of what I wrote here! LOL)
Yes, it is always hard to maintain a relationship. It takes work, and unfortunately, most of us want it to be easy, "happily ever after." Sorry, that doesn't happen. Besides, something we work for is always more precious than that which is handed to us.
As to the anger issue . . . remember something we are taught in our field. You become ineffective with a client if you become too involved. You become part of the problem. I was taught that we can practice lots of good SW skills in our families, and we should; however, because we are part of the family, we can't separate ourselves emotionally as we do in our work. Therefore, it is highly important to remember that if we are carrying anger, it is very essential that we share with our family members this information and avoid misunderstandings that can be devastating. Just don't beat yourself up; that will just escalate your anger/anxiety.
As casey and sassy indicated, anger is normal and common. Being aware of it and knowing how to handle it is important for the balance of the relationship. Knowing you're edgy and making sure that L understands whether it relates to something about her or not is the first big step.
And YES, sassy, there is a correlation between heat and anger. Ever notice how the violent crime rates escalate during the heat of summer? It is absolutely related to heat.
Caroline, find a safe outlet. Use it. NOW!! Talk to me if you want to. You know how to find me!!;-)
There has been a full moon lately too. There is a connection between wacky behavior and the full moon. I'm sure you've noticed it in your job.
At least you realize the anger and that's a big part of the battle right there. Be good to yourself sweetie. Do something for Caroline this week-end. Something cool and relaxing .... to bad you & Laura don't have a pool and a big privacy fence to skinny dip *wicked grin*
sassyfemme--thank you so much for your comment. i do need to find that "thing" that will calm me down when i find i am angry. i do have a hard time figuring out why i am so angry. i think i have some ideas, but not completly sure. laura has gotten good about backing away when she realizes i am angry. sometimes i just need space and she is so understanding about that
lynilu--sometimes i feel that just because i am a sw i should be able to handle this, but there are times it's just too hard. i may take you up on that offer to "talk". it will be like the good ol' days.
anonymous--that's a good point. never thought about that.
patticake--i plan on doing that thsi weekend. i am going to go do something fun just for me.
comfortandjoy--thanks for the comment. yes, the heat does make everything worse. luckily today it isn't as humid, but still warm. hey, the batting cages are a great idea. thanks
You might want to try and explore your feelings in order to track down the reason for your anger.
I don't think that anger without cause is normal. All anger has a source, you may just need to confront the source of your anger so you can move beyond it.
I believe that fear is the real source of all anger. And heat does make one cranky.
Is there anything your deeply feeling afraid of? Perhaps you should explore some of those feelings and try to get to the root of your anger.
anonymous--oh, i think i know the reason behind my anger. have you read my blog? there are a few hints in some of my posts
rsg--it's something i am working on and will continue to work on. it seems to be a never ending process.
Sorry, no I don't read your blog. I just happened across it by hitting "next" in blogger.
Not my normal kind of reading.
anonymous--for a blog that "isn't your type of reading" you sure come back often to read.
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