The last couple of weeks I have done a lot of thinking about being gay and how hard it is to be gay. Got me to thinking about how people say being gay is a choice, etc. I don't understand how people could say that. Being gay is one of the hardest things I have ever experienced in my life. There are so many times I feel that I have to hide who I am in public due to safety issues. Living in the midwest and right smack in the middle of the Bible belt makes things difficult. You never know if someone is going to notice the pride stickers on your car and decide to show you how much they hate gays. Growing up I was always taught that someone is gay because that is what they chose to do. Now looking back on how my family and religion addressed gays it was as if the person was acting out and just trying to be different.
The last few weeks Laura and I have had several long conversations regarding this topic. Laura, who has known she was gay her entire life, has witnessed sexual orientiation discrimination first hand. The way Laura and I approach the subject of "our" gay life at times is very different. For example: I don't care who knows we are gay and I have no problem with showing affection in public. Laura on the other hand, who has suffered discrimation because she is gay is sometimes more hestitant. Laura has to remind me numerous times that we don't know who is watching us and you never know for sure if it is safe. When we were at the lake we were inside our own room. It was the middle of the day and the curtains were open. We were getting ready to walk out of the room and I went to give her a kiss. Instinct told her to pull away since the curtains were open. Ok, here is my thing: we were in our own freaking room. Again, Laura had to remind me that we don't know who is watching and we don't know if they would harm us in any way.
Last night Laura and I were having one of our discussions on this. I simply looked at her and said, "it's not fair". I don't know any other way to put it. I wish our rights were as protected as the man/woman that live across the street from us. I wish gay-haters would just leave us gays alone. We aren't doing anything to you.
If I could I would marry Laura. It's not fair that if something should happen to me she wouldn't automatically receive any of my remaining property. The fact that we have to make sure that all our legal ducks are in a row is a bunch of bullshit. We deserve the same rights as every heterosexual couple in the U.S.
That is my rant for the day. There I feel better. :)
15 comments:
You're right, it's so not fair. I hope the day comes when you can marry Laura.
Unfortunately you will never ge able to convince *those* people that being gay is not a choice. They don't get it, probably because they have not developed empathy. When I talk about my eldest son, I rarely volunteer that he is gay. Why? Because I'm embarrassed. Hell, no! I do it because I see a lot of judgment that occurs when he is outed. I hope that people will get to know him for the wonderful person that he is; then when they learn he is gay, they will already be sold on him and it won't matter. Is it fair? Not at all. It is what it is.
You are a "baby" in recognizing and accepting the real you. There was a time that I almost defiantly stated I had a gay son. It didn't do any good. People are what they have been raised to be. Except for the ones such as yourself who have had to experience a difficult and ugly (yet beautiful when I see you today) transition. Thank god you did. You are so much better now that you are you.
No it isn't just. I wish it could be so. You don't have the ability to have a fully sanctioned marriage. On the other hand, I am thinking about how many heterosexual couples are opting to bypass marriage now days. They have the same lack of rights as you. As you know, I've said I doubt that I will marry again. Maybe, but I doubt it.
All this makes me wonder ... just what is marriage, anyway? The divorce rate is horrendous. and the legal dispersing of collective belongings is heartbreaking, often taking months or years and leaving both people really messed up. Know what? If everyone had pre-nups, that might be less devastating. And what is the legal establishment of your rights and Laura's rights, but basically the same thing ... establishing your rights to the physical things in your life.
You and Laura have one of the most committed relationships I've seen. And THAT IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PIECE OF ALL. That is why marriage fail. I'd simply go ahead and take the legal steps to protect both of you in the event of a tragedy. Campaign for recognition and equality, but accept it for what it is and protect yourselves.
I'm afraid I won't live to see this resolved. I hope, for your passion, you do. Meanwhile, take care of each other in every way you can.
A note to cristin - I love your partner's response to invading questions!! That is the greatest line I've heard!
You're right, IT'S NOT FAIR! Like Laura, I tend to be very cautious, based on my job and having lived in TX for so long. When we lived there I would never kiss Fran goodbye at the front door if it was open. If we were outside or in the car, it wouldn't happen. Hell, I wouldn't even hold her hand unless we were driving, and not stopped at a light where someone might look in and see it. I do have to say that it's completely different living in CT. It's totally okay to be us here. Heck, it's even in the non-discrimination policies in the school districts. I can't be fired for being gay here. I always lived with that over my head in TX. On top of that, I have yet to meet one person here who doesn't support equality for gays and lesbians, and when I talk about what it was like in TX they find it next to impossible to believe/understand. It's very, very liberating. I'm even going to put a pride sticker on my car, something I've never done before! I do get what you go through, though, having "been there, done that."
sandra--it isn't fair is it. (pouts)
elf--easier said then done. and i shouldn't have to move to have the same rights
cristin--it's good to know that there are other gay couples with some of the same issues. thanks for commenting
lynilu--as always thank you for your kind words. my hopes one day is that my mother will have the same attitude as you. you are a wonderful friend.
sassyfemme--my hopes one day is that our lovely state of missouri (and all other states as well) will be as gay friendly as CT. you two are very lucky.
OK, now I'm riled.
e l frederick - - or should I say e l ferederiecke, the state you refer to is K.A.N.S.A.S. Look at a map, for god's sake! or an encyclopedia. or a dictionary.
Secondly, caroline lives in M.I.S.S.O.U.R.I.
Both states are tough to live in as a gay person, as a moderately liberal, as a woman, as a non'fundamentalist.'
I agree with her. NO ONE SHOULD HAVE TO MOVE ACROSS TOWN, LET ALONE TO ANOTHER STATE TO BE EQUAL TO THE PERSON NEXT DOOR!!
Just for curiosity, what are you hiding from? You seem to have experience since you are giving advice.
elf--if you don't like what you read here..then scatter. PLEASE. One question for you: what are you going to do when the grand state of Alabama bans Rednecks? Guess you'll have to move.
lynilu--thank you for coming to my (and all gays) defense. i think it's funny someone that thinks he is so smart when infact he can't even spell the word kansas, a state that i don't even live in.
Carry on people..the gnat will hopefully move along.
I noticed that we have scared off ELF due to his lack of being able to spell Kansas correctly. HA.
Here is what ELF wrote, but deleted. Just an FYI for those of you that have no idea what's going on:
1)
So move to Mass, or some other state/place where it's legal... and do it...
Surely there must be fewer people to hide from in those locations as well.
2)
"and i shouldn't have to move"
I'm not going to start another arguement with the rights thing. Our opinions are polar opposites.
The fact of the matter is, "at the moment" you do have to move.
You can either sit around Kanasas and hate where you live and that you can't get married, or you can do something about it. Either by changing Kanasas law, or by moving to someplace where your more "welcome".
I wouldn't hold my breath until Kanasas law changes.
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Posted by E L Frederick to After The Fact at 7/06/2006 06:32:37 PM
There is always one bad apple in every crowd, isnt there? Anyways, enough about that bad apple, I had to deal with "IT'S NOT FAIR" just last week. Nathalie had surgery done and when I couldn't get her to answer the phone in her room I called and talked to the nurses but because I wasnt FAMILY, I couldnt get any information about her. That was a real slap in the face for me. I agree it's just not fair! :) But noone can tell us who we can contuine to love, so piss on them all :)
Caroline,
you hit it right on the head. My sister is treating me exactly that way, like i'm so spoiled kid acting out. Just came out to her in Jan. and haven't talked in months(she calls my stbx regularly though) Not JW, conservative Christian, not sure there is much difference. I don't think either one leaves too much room for independent thought.
Honey I wouldn't pay e l frederick ANY attention? and who's he calling a swine? Does he even OWN a mirror? Tee Hee! I think NOT!
I agree it's not fair and I hope that one day this country can be more "live and let live". It's sad. Really sad.
elf--please get lost. can't you tell you are not welcome around here.
onecrazylady--i can't imagine what you were going through when nathalie was sick. that just really scares me if something would happen to me or laura. i know laura's family would never keep me from laura if she was sick..but who knows with my family
yankeegirl--sorry you are going through this. jsut do what everyone keeps telling me to do: live life for yourself
patticake--hopefully elf will get the hint and scatter. he's just an unhappy redneck trying to stir shit up. :)
Caroline-
Unforunately E L has some of the same views as many people in the US. That is why so many state governments are passing laws that define marriage as a union between a man and a woman.
I hope you and Laura can still enjoy your life together with what you have and not stress about what you don't.
Thank you for your kind comments on my blog.
df mcmunn--i think there's a huge difference between having an opinion and being downright rude and mean. that is how elf, your brother, choose to react. i feel sorry for him. even if i can never marry laura, i will never regret one day with her.
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