It's hot here and it's only going to get hotter. I sit here in my office wishing I was at the lake. God, I love the lake. I spent almost every single weekend when I was little at the lake. My parents had a cabin at a local lake and we went out every single weekend during the summer. There's just something about lake water that I love. I prefer it to ocean water.
As I was standing outside just a few minutes ago having a cigarette I saw my Dad drive by the place I work. He was in my Mom's 1968 Mustang. This mustang is a very unique green color, so I know it was him. Makes me sad that he doesn't even know where I work. My Dad's Birthday was on Sunday. I sent him a b-day card. I debated about sending him a card, but in the end decided that just because my parents are acting like fools doesn't mean I have to as well. My family is like a car wreck. You can't help but look when you drive by. I hear from several people the crazy and very unhealthy things they are doing and it just makes me want to vomit. Some of the things they are doing is horrible. When I hear what other people are saying about them it makes me ashamed they are my family. But they are my family and to some degree it hurts to hear what others are saying about them.
I always think about my family a lot around this time. It was two years ago on July 4th that my Mom asked what was going on with me and Laura. Deep down she knew, but was in denial. Not only is July 4th Independence Day for America, it's my own Independence Day. Two years ago I was so tired of living my life for my parents. I had told friends and Laura that when I "officially" come out to my parents (especially my Mom) most likely they will disown me. No one believed me. Everyone said, "give them time, they will come around". Well, here it is two years later and we are no where close to making amends. Some days are harder then others. That is to be expected. I think I miss feeling a part of a family the most when I am around Laura's family. Yes, they do consider me part of the family, but there are many times I still feel like a third wheel. Her family has done everything to make me feel a part of the family and I greatly appreciate that. But in the end they are still her family.
I need to remember one important thing: Laura and I are creating our own family. I forget this sometimes. Our little routines that we have and the traditions we are starting is for US..our family. It may be small, but it's ours.
7 comments:
All you need is one another. Love your blog..I have been "lurking" daily for motnhs. I am not a big commentor, but I am trying. Have a great weekend!
I'm glad, Caroline, that you sent you dad a card. You're right . . . you don't have to be as petty as they are. I think you should also respect your mom's beliefs,also, even though they represent something you don't believe, because it is important to her. You could send her a "thinking of you" card away from any holiday or event.
I'm glad, also, that you have Laura. You 2 are, indeed, family. Don't doubt her family. In a sense you are right. But remember what we learned during our stints in college . . . family is defined as by family. Family is who is important to you, who supports you, who you can count on, and who accepts you for you. Honey, that is Laura and her family. And me. And probably a few others out there that you can name. Think of the group of people who would stand with you in a crisis. That is your family.
I'm proud of you and I love you. So do a whole bunch of others. Count on us, and be at peace with Laura as your family.
As I have said before, never give up hope. I am very glad you sent your Dad a birthday card. It's true, just because they are acting like fools doesn't mean you have to follow suit. You have your head and heart in the right place honey.
It's good you sent them a card. Hopefully, they will come around.
marriedlesbian--i like what you said.."all you need is one another" that is so true..thanks for the reminder
lynilu--i am working on being at peace..thanks to you too for the reminders
patticake--thanks for the kind words
isabel--maybe one day they will..you just never know
Oh Caroline I feel for you. It will be two years in October since I have spoke with Bryan's mother, He has made ammends with his baby sister, and does now speak with his mother but we still dont visit them as a family like we used to. I still do not speak to the woman and until I recv an apology never will. I have never felt like this towards anyone, but she hurt me so deeply, just typing this I could cry. She was like a second mother to me, so I can only imagine slightly what you are feeling. I would die if my mother disowned me. I do still send the woman greeting cards at all the appropriate holidays, I do this for my husband not me or her. My birthday card from her this year was UNSIGNED! And all be damned if Bryan didn't recv his a few days later and it was unsigned also. No telling what has crawled back up her ass again. Maybe it was because I seen her at the doctors office and turned my head refusing to speak. Fuck her! Well I have babbled long enough....you have won my heart because you make my sister happy. I have never known her to be so happy for so long. Her family is your family, I know we don't replace your family, we don't want to replace, but be, if the other half of your family wants to not be right now, try not to dwell on it. Keep your chin up and live your life for YOU! Maybe you can meet your dad for coffee sometime? Just like Lyle comes here but Glenda doesn't.
big sis--thank you so much for your comment. you don't know how much it meant to me. laura and her family are my family and they are what make me so happy. thanks again lisa..
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