I got kind of a shock this weekend. Yesterday Laura and I made our usual trip to Wal-Mart. As we were leaving I saw my 12 year old nephew. I walked up to him, gave him a big hug and wished him Happy Birthday. I was so happy to see him ON his b-day. We hugged and I looked back and my Mom was standing at the check out counter. My heart started beating faster. It has been almost two years since I have seen my Mother. And there she was standing. What do I do? Do I say something only to be rejected? As my nephew and I were standing there talking my Mom looked up. It was almost as if she did a double take. Once she realized it was me, she stopped smiling and looked away from me. I felt so sorry for my nephew because he acted like he wasn't supppose to be talking to me. I quickly said goodbye to him and again wished him a Happy Birthday. I didn't want him to feel like he was doing something wrong. As Laura and I were walking out she asked me, "are you ok?" I noticed that I was kind of shaking. I said I was fine, but was I really?
Yes, it was a shock to see my Mother after this much time. And yes, it was a shock after so much time she continues to reject and turn away from me. When Laura and I first started seeing each other she asked why I hadn't come out to my parents yet. I explained that my Mother would have nothing to do with me after that. I told her I just had this gut feeling. (I would have never realized my Father would also want nothing to do with me) Even after my Mom stopped talking to me two years ago Laura said, "just give her some time. she will come around." Most people told me to give her some time. I knew in the bottom of my gut she would never come around. That's a hard reality to swallow.
So, it's two years later and my Mom still wants nothing to do with me. The past 24 hours I have had a lot of thoughts running through my mind. My birthday is a week from tomorrow. From as far back as I can remember I have always struggled with my birthday. Having been adopted when I was just 3 days old I have always struggled with feelings of rejetion and feeling unwanted. In a sense, to feel disposable. My Mom always reassured me that I was indeed wanted, and very much so. Two years ago, that reassureance, which was shakey to begin with was gone.
Most days I have to remind myself not to think about my parents rejecting and disowning me. The pain is too intense and if I were to let myself feel it I would collapse and not be able to function. In order to function in society, I have to pull myself together each morning and not think about my parents "disposing" of me. But when my Mom is standing there right in front of me, it's hard to push those feelings out of the way. It was as if two years of feelings came flooding forward. How the hell do I deal with this now?
Only times knows if my parents will ever accept me. There are days when it is more overwhelming then others. Yesterday after seeing my Mom, I had a familiar feeling of just kind of hanging out there with no family in my corner. Yes, Laura's family is my family, but my "original" family unit is no longer there. The two people that have known me since I was 3 days old want nothing to do with me 31 years later. How can they turn their backs on the child they once loved and adored?
I often wonder if their hearts hurt as much as mine do.
13 comments:
Hang in there, hun...this is a very deep hurt and I am sure your parents feel it, too...hopefully one day all the anger and hurt can be worked through and the relationship can be mended....BUT if it doesn't, it is still something you will have to come to terms with....
You're a good person...and I think your parents are good people, too...continue to love them and work on getting past the feelings of hurt...even if they continue to reject you...just love them, regardless...also, focus on the good memories as much as you can and be thankful for that...many people did not even have that...
I know that this is a tall order and easy for someone else to say, or to say, period...but you CAN do it...
Chin up and Hugs... :)
*hugs* I am so sorry.
I do not understand how parents can turn their backs on their children. I will never get that.
Oh hon - I'm so sorry. :( I have to say, as a parent, I don't think I could ever turn my back on my children....no matter what. I just don't understand how some parents are capable of doing that. :(
francesca--coming to terms with it is the hard thing. something that i work on every day
courtney--thanks for the support
napqueen--i will never get it either
casey--i don't understand it either. my brother has stolen from them, done drugs and just in general been a huge disappointment. but caroline is gay..no we can't deal with that. just dont' get it
Oh gosh, I'm so, so sorry you're having to deal with this. It's just not right. It's beyond that, it's very wrong, on their part, IMO. We don't love our children conditionally, we love them unconditionally. I can only echo what Francesca said, you're a GOOD person.
Also, from one adoptee to another, remember, we weren't given up because we weren't loved, we were given up because we were loved so much that our birth mothers wanted us to have a better life than they could give us.
Caroline, I've said this to you before, but it won't hurt for you to hear it again . . . and again. I want to repeat what sassyfemme said . . . YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. And I know this from personal experience, from knowing you for all these years, during your childhood through those terrible tough years of finding yourself and learning to be who you are with no qualifiers. You are one of the most accepting and forgiving people I've had the pleasure to know. You have one of the kindest and most loving souls in the world. Of course this encounter and what it stands for hurts you deeply. You have something special that unfortunately your parents seem not to have . . . that unconditional love that sassyfemme mentions. I told Laura one time that you have one of the most pure souls that I've ever met. You trust people . . . sometimes too easily . . . and that is good. Hold onto to your dreams. And say prayers for your relationship with your parents. Only God can make that be different. Lastly, let go of any vestige of self-blame. It isn't you. You are still the sweet baby who was adopted, loved by your birth mother and by your adoptive parents. You're OK.
Sorry to hear that you are going through this! I must say my mother disowned me too for about 2 years before she started talking to me again.(because I am gay) Now she loves Nathalie as much as I do! Hopefully your mom will come around with time. You are a great person and it is a shame she is missing out to see how wonderful you are!
sassyfemme--thank you for your encouraging words. i do know that my birth mom gave me up because she did love me. but sometimes when I am feeling sorry for myself i forget that. thanks for the reminder
lyn--as always you know exactly what to say. thank you.
onecrazylady--it's been two years. most would have thought if she was going to come around she would have already done so. i am happy that your mom has accepted nathalie.
As a mother I can't understand any parent with the capacity to turn their back on their own child. I'm sorry for your hurt.
Honey having a daughter myself I cannot IMAGINE rejecting her as your mother has done. I bet their hearts are hurting as much as yours. I am so sorry for you. Cling to Laura and your pets. You deserve to be loved unconditionally. and Never.Give.Up
tropopause--i can't imagine doing what my parents have done either. i don't know if i will ever understand their actions
patticake--thank you for your encouraging words. i needed to hear those words, "never give up"
Caroline,
Sorry for the hurt your family has caused you. Crazy what people do in the name of God or religion, isn't it? I have some of that going on in my life, too. Hang in there and hold on tight to Laura.
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