About a week ago I emailed my parents to let them know I was moving and that I would like to get together with them before I move. I knew that I wouldn't hear from my Mom and the only reason I included her email address was because I didn't want her to come back at some point and say, "well you never included me in your emails." I didn't tell them where I was moving to, just that I was moving 2.5 hours away. I received an email from my Dad yesterday. He said that he would like to get together with me to see what has been going on with me. He then asked me if I was buying a ranch. I was kind of excited by the email, but then I got to thinking and maybe I should have never emailed them.
My family has always had very poor boundaries. They believe in keeping everything private from the outside world, but in our own family there is no privacy. Does that make sense? I remember the first email I received from my Mom after I came out to them and she was asking about how lesbians have safe sex. Seriously, I was 31 years old and my sex life is none of her concern. About 4 months after I was kicked out of the church and my family disowned me, Laura and I ran into my Dad while we were having lunch. He was there eating by himself and we invited him over to our table. He did come over and it was a very awkward lunch. One of the first things he asked me was, "where are you working and how much are you making now?" It's almost as if my parents refuse to see that I am an adult and will always view me as the young Caroline who should be telling her parents everything.
I am not sure what I was expecting when I emailed them. Sometimes I wonder why I can't just let things rest. Maybe it's because deep down the little Caroline is still wanting to be loved by her parents and to have their approval. I think I am realizing that I will probably never meet their very high expectations.
It's hard when your parents disown you and I don't think you know how you would handle it unless you were in the same situation. It's really hard to accept something that you simply can not understand.
The positive in all of this, I don't think I am as emotional about the whole situation as I was even just a year ago. I guess it's true that sometimes in life you need to take one step back in order to take two forward.
As far as meeting my Dad, I don't think I am going to meet him. I know it sounds crazy since I was the one that emailed him, but I really don't think I want to open the can of worms that this could open. Because really, if we did meet it's not like we would have a normal relationship. He would just find out more things about me that he has no right to know. At least no right since he disowned me almost 5 years ago.
Some things are best left in the past. And I need to remember that 5 years ago my family made this decision.